Week 1: Objective vs. Just Write \\ Just Write wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"Freedom in Chains"


Good luck, Objective and Just Write.

[Just Write]

I grew up in what most people would label the ghetto
No cable or a/c, mom paid the bills on main in stiletto's
use to bang with my dude franky. Bumpin everything from jay-z to tiesto
We'd slang a key then buy some jays. Me & franky stayed in retro's.
We knew each other for years, though only peers from 1st-6th grade
Til the day Ms. Kincade gave us detention & said "it appears you both can't behave"
The look on her face was priceless when franky told her she was a bitch
And the look on his was legit when she turned around and pulled out a switch
He said, "ha you're full of shit, laughing as he walked out the door"
And i had a decision to make, stay.. or leave and see if I could be more.
From then on we were inseperable, whether, robbing a store or sippin a brew
(It's funny how a crime doesn't seem that bad when the one commiting it, is you.)
Survival instincts. You'd never understand if you grew up with a silver spoon
But me an franky didn't, we grew up stealing them from you.
Started off with little crimes, house robberies and such
Never expected in less than ten years we'd be drug dealing & running guns.



We had nothing but fun.. well, for awhile at least
But i should of known from day one, even the mighty are weak
The truth is, we should have got out a long time ago
But its hard to resist a crib, the whips, and designer clothes.
I don't know, I guess I just lost my guidance,
ever since mom died i've seen my life turn violent.
I mean she wasn't the best, but at least she tried
Something about her kisses that gave me peace inside.
As for franky and I , we felt invincible. On top of the world
I Proposed to my girl. Bought her a diamond, a locket, and pearls
A house in the suburbs, a black range in the garage,
nothin could stop me. everywhere i went, embraced as a god
Steak and lobster, garlic bread, and a plate of cod
Most people get sick of cereal, i got sick of filet mignon
But when everything's great, you know that something is wrong
And me and franky didnt realize we were too late to escape from the storm



I still remember it well. it was a tuesday, we had a big shipment coming in
Of high grade peruvian white, uncut. and some black tar heroin
I'd get nervous everytime, hand in my pocket on a cocked nine
Franky didn't give a fuck, he'd just keep whistling and smile
This time was no different, franky whistled in a mellowly tone
I just wanted to finish in a hurry. I had a wife and a newborn kid at home.
The rest is kind of blurry, though in dreams it's clear as day
I can still hear the piercing sound of rounds flying by. But now its just a haze
The DEA swept in, but I knew franky wasn't gunna go out like that
When the shoot out began, I knew neither of us wer getting our lives back
So much went through my mind, like a past full of regret
Back to Detention hall....
I knew i should never have walked out the door & down those steps
Thought about my wife and kid. We named him sammy, after her dad
The Worst part is i wanted to give him a daddy, cause that's what i never had
If i did, you never know. Maybe things would have been different,
I would have graduated. And wouldn't have been put in this shitty position
But the truth is we all have to pay for the sins we've commited
And it was in prison i discoved religion and about becoming a christian



Death row.That's a scary thought if you sit and think about it
Most people say they arn't afraid to die, but seriously, I doubt it.
To know your lifes about to end is different then just being ready to go
Franky had the easy way out, with a bullet straight through his throat.
I'd never prayed before, to be honest I didn't even know how
But one day I walked in that prison chapel and found a seat in the crowd
The reverend came around and said your father still loves you no matter what
I just sat there puzzled, while he muttered about sins being covered in blood
I tried to be hard, but i could feel my eyes starting to swell
He went on about forgiveness and cleansing of sins and me departing to hell
I hung my head and cried, full of despair, my life was almost over. fully aware
That in less than 24 hours i was scheduled for death by an electric chair...
I'd never felt in a more peaceful place, some even said My demeanor had changed
And finally i was ready to go, as the lights flickered...
.... I closed my eyes and found freedom within my chains.

[Objective]

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
having a reason to write,
the system of torture's the evil of AOWL picking your FIGHTS.
I'm not feeling it right.
The tunnel's not revealing the light,
as darkness peeling through layered dreams of a broken past the previous night...

In sight; These WØRDS are my chains, concepts distorted in vain,
I guess I've resorted to pain, just look at this lame! Is he shook, is it boredom contained, or just the core of a brain
that's sort of insane?
Public humiliation; what's the rules to this game?
The duels mostly the same... Trust me, I can tell, so fuck the hype; I'm tempted to challenge you
med intellektuell skrivekunst på ett språk du ikke forstår på writers avenue,
trenger jeg tolk for å overgå barrierer der djevelen rår? Jeg går resolutt...
With a bottle of absolute Ich liebe der übermench, fuck french, habla español? Perhaps I'm just out of control...
And you'll label me a troll because I avenge syllables with murder and straddle it too;
Let's take it to further cues;
Look at these scarred expired stretched lines lacking them hard desired fresh rhymes simply breaking through your comfort zone like forced rapes with a barb wired flesh light.

Truth is;
I'm a rhythmic neanderthal
putting Brobranda on a pedestal.
Fuck it, I'll just end it all, I'm Certain as I'm mocking it,
personalities shocked for shit, just look how bad I'm robbing it;
My mind contains ideas but I'm constrained by limitation,
the universes powers combined can't control the situation.
Revelation comes forth by realizing that life welcome's the pain,
you have options, but it's just adaptations to Freedom in Chains.

http://www.treybailey.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/chains-300x215.jpg

[patrown]

/v just write - great piece! favorite lines ..

From then on we were inseperable, whether, robbing a store or sippin a brew
(It's funny how a crime doesn't seem that bad when the one commiting it, is you.)
Survival instincts. You'd never understand if you grew up with a silver spoon
But me an franky didn't, we grew up stealing them from you.

haaah! nice intro stanza... entire thing was great. smooth transition into plots crux. great storytelling. this line was real rough..

The Worst part is i wanted to give him a daddy, cause that's what i never had

daamn. crazy piece though. real complete piece of work. coming hard this season, i see. ty.

objective - i feel like your first line is incomplete. perhaps the thought could have been continued further. i'm not sure i agree with your assertion our mods match making choices are equal to that of a "system of torture," but i did think it was kind of funny you said so.
not a fan of font colors. or claims of being accused of troll like activity. barbed wire flesh light was creative imo. rhymes in the first two stanzas are minimal.
i did like your last stanza though.. favorite lines..

My mind contains ideas but I'm constrained by limitation,
the universes powers combined can't control the situation.
Revelation comes forth by realizing that life welcome's the pain,
you have options, but it's just adaptations to Freedom in Chains.

i think those were really strong. i would've enjoyed an entire piece in the style of those last four. my advice to you is do not read your opponents verse before you start writing. i'm willing to go out on a limb and say you did.

[PancakeBrah]

Just Write -

The first section was awesome aside from a couple of nitpicky things. Not capitalizing Franky's name, misplacing the quotation marks in Franky's line, and the last line being a little weak rhyme wise were the quibbles I had. Aside from that this was expert work. It set the scene, established a bond, and had some clever little tricks (committing the crime is you/taking silver spoons being the highlights).

The second section was just as good. Had less miscues but maybe not as many highlights (although the filet mignon line was nice and saved the line before it which I thought might have been weak if not for the connecting thought). What I'm noticing in this piece is nothing's forced; even if a rhyme is stale or cliche you have this writer's voice going in the first person that just begs interest. It goes a long way.

Third section the same although I'm not a huge fan of where this piece may be going with the religious cliffhanger. You've done a great job of developing two characters without going overboard. With just a few well placed lines here and there you've crafted some nuance to both characters. Although the dichotomy of the reticent outlaw and the gung-ho outlaw isn't groundbreaking, what is? The devil's in the details and you're executing on them.

Last section tied everything up nicely. From the plot to the theme to the personal journey of the character.

This is the type of verse I'd love to break down line by line if I wasn't feeling lazy. The strength, far and away, was your voice in this. You went first person which can be very difficult but I honestly felt you channeled a different person and wrote from his perspective here. This wasn't Just Write in a different shade telling a fairy tale. It was the narrator, you just wrote it. Probably the best verse of the five I've read so far this week (the other two matches I've voted on with Obj's up next) and the best verse I've read from you, although I'm not as familiar with your work as this pieces tells me I should be. Well done, thanks for the read, sincerely.

Objective -

I really liked the last line and the opening technicolor dream coat. The middle section had some highlights but the foreign language shtick, while original, seemed a bit overwrought for me. The idea of writing about writer's block (or something close to it) is a bit tired. This piece did have some real personality and zeal to it, though. It just seemed a bit...lackadaisical and spur of the moment, adorned with fancy little tricks to distract. You're a skilled writer but I think you missed the mark this week.

Thanks for the read, fellas.

v/ Just Write

[timeless]

Just Write, This was a cool read. The story had questions, a big one pertaining to why the MC got sentenced to death row in the first place. To go from selling heroin to death row is a big step, and it seems you left out some in-betweens. Flow could’ve been more in depth, but it wasn’t too bad. As to how you pertained to the topic, it was cool, just wish it wasn’t incorporated in the ending, as a lot of writers tend to do. Not bad though man I enjoyed it.

Objective, “ Look at these scarred expired stretched lines lacking them hard desired fresh rhymes simply breaking through your comfort zone like forced rapes with a barb wired flesh light.” LOL, this was dope. I wish you came more complete here, cuz I probably would’ve voted for you on that line alone. Seems you rushed it, and took a halfassed writers block take on the topic. Rhymes weren’t bad but nothing really stood out.

Giving this to JW for a more satisfying read, creativity and effort are big keys to use while in the voting process, and JW took this hands down imo. Objective shouldn’t have rushed.

V. JW

[Vulgar]

Just Write - Pretty good verse, it's rare that someone has the brevity to go for a full story like this with a beginning, middle and end. You didn't sacrifice anything to shorten it. I thought it was written alright, you had a traditional style introduction with two boys who would soon grow up to be in business together in the drug trade. Nothing in this happened that was unexpected or 'wowed' me but it was a satisfactory take with good closure at the end.

Objective - lol, you ambitious bastard. I can tell you might have had a problem coming up with ideas for how to approach this topic so you went with something that was meant to be left field and cutthroat. I honestly don't think it succeeded but it was a fun read nonetheless. The native language rhymes were a cool personal touch and the picture at the end with the man flinging away the chains made me grin.

Vote - Just Write

[Cereal_Killa]

Just Write:

Look.. i really, really needed this right now.. a jump from vulgar’s interstellar verse n King Ra’s cludeo chapters..

“No cable or a/c, mom paid the bills on main in stiletto's”

Something down to earth and straight forward as far as the movement of your story..
And real!

"i got sick of filet mignon
But when everything's great, you know that something is wrong"

Being aware of the warning bells of consumption’s is true..
And the fact you dropped it straight away, in one and a half line.. Was perfect.. You didn’t build up the hype, in a glamorous over powering way.. It was a traditional movement of life, the white picket fence story.. And very suited with the one n a half line – how quickly it turns.. Beautiful

"it was a tuesday, we had a big shipment coming in
Of high grade peruvian white, uncut. and some black tar heroin
I'd get nervous everytime, hand in my pocket on a cocked nine"

If read/roll this all the way through without the line breaks, its sensational.. Description cha ching..

"Back to Detention hall...."

They’re still kids, wtf :)

"And it was in prison i discoved religion and about becoming a Christian
Death Row."

NICE..

"I just sat there puzzled, while he muttered about sins being covered in blood
I closed my eyes and found freedom within my chains."

Wow, dude you captured a true story.. a person being setting free through emptying his rage, hate and anguish through someone else’s stories.. very nice indeed, very nice

Objective:

I love that jazz..

"I'm a rhythmic neanderthal"

As far as a random splurt of absolute insanity, cleansing your mind.. flipping through styles, of writing on a dime.. i do so like.. Chaotic, sporadic.. Complimenting JUST WRITES verse..

Clarifying the whole thing in the last stanza, pulling yourself together through the chains of judgement..

Respect..


VOTE = Just write

For his realism whilst telling a layered story, plus his deep description is what i friggen loved..

Good luck guys.. Thanks

[zygote]

Just Write, some grasp of deeper themes and a good display of fundamentals. Enjoyed it but it felt a little uninspired, kind of going through the motions of the the plot progression rather than being a driving force, perhaps the 'reliving memories' style of writing past-tense contributed to that.

Objective, enjoyed it a lot, laughed at this med intellektuell part, didn't want to translate it, but the visual appearance of the Nordic languages with all the crossed O's and circles on top is funny. Actually, enjoyed the whole first two parts direction but you lost it by directly referencing the users on this website at the end, too self-referential came across a little bit corny. Voting for Just Write.

[Frank]

just write

branching out with your material. i commend you for trying on hats you may not entirely be comfortable rocking. this tale is a deviation from your usual suspect approach. imo, your the huckleberry fyn of netcees. this is your lane, minus the ghetto trivial subject matter. your a gradual, simple story teller who does not put much emphasis on mechanics (though you have shown you can hang in that department.) This tale was typical in a traditional sense. I've lived that type of lifestyle (somewhat) forreal, so this was kind of tame. here you have a skeleton of a story, but it's lacking the arms, legs, etc to make it come alive. a manican, void of the attributes necessary to make it move. as I dwell on the rhyme, as I write this, I am left with that impression. a body of work, a rough draft, or outline, though 'complete' - missing some factors. where this works is in it's structure. i felt like i have read a lot of lines and have come away with the feeling that you just wrote without much regard for me as the reader. you are skilled, so display it, especially if you're capable. if you are strapped for time just no-show. don't waste our time. in other words, you now have a foundation you can build upon. solid showing.

objective

wtf was this shit? lol you wrote in your native albanian language? you water colored? lol. did you use pastel colors to highlight the fact you were completely lost this week? i know first hand that you are capable of epic trilogy-like sagas. you have grand spectrum ideas, you may need to dedicate yourself and apply yourself a little more to your craft. you either go full throttle or you fumble. you should definitely put time aside for next week and really hammer a way your chisel for a showing worth critiquing. i truly believe this will be your best season yet, only if, you write like how you did in the winter tournament, you will be a threat.

as it stands, I got Just Write cruising to a easy victory here.