Week 1: sacrifice vs. Frank \\ Frank wins 11-1

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"Things Fall Apart"


Good luck, sacrifice and Frank.

[sacrifice]

Post Modern Collapse

Let us depart; the wisp's glance is difficult to withstand.
Yes, rather like thick boots in quicksand. The mist too,
it's dance: a swift, effortless march across the weathered expanse.
This land: stories reported of glory and death and of darkness.
Sheathing their blades made to slay demons with a Veteran's sharpness,
those brothers set foot beyond the fettered fencing to far-fetched
dreams and this Dream was no exception.
"Why haven't we departed," they grieved.
But I would not see them off until they'd hearken my peace:
The slow procession toward a city that suffered calamitous wounds.
Remember the fallen, the children's faces when the panic ensued.
Still it amazes, and strengthens resolve.
Some brazen, embracing the chilling result:
Why resort to killing them all? Only to leave us for life.
I tried to convey with frequency, like they couldn't see the deceit,
a kind of peaceful reminder, that there's reason for evil.
"You liar," they'd say. "Reason's inadequate."
Even when entire regions contract to exact resistance
with documented allegiances and class incentives,
still those elites with their masked linguistic attacks
condition the logic to paint their vision upon it."
I listened, and honest I wished they were wrong.
"Yes, just as we'd begin to drift off, to sleep we'd be
stripped of our lost reprieve by their sickening gongs,
the beating so persistent and strong."
I remember, that Christmas, the dark was immanent.
Still families lined up for the latest editions.
The Fall had faded so hastily,
in stasis with basic tradition by way of ancient religion.
They'd pay with their chips, an implanted matrix within databases of sinful
connections through synthetic 'timeways.'
Don't you see the irony here?
Manipulating space for a quick arrangement.
A light-wave vessel for credits to buy you your beer.
This is no dystopian fiction on stage,
this is merely the state of things in decay.
They'd innovate for the sake of vacuous innovation,
plugged into systems for passionless entertainment.
It's up to us on the path paved by Eliot's Wasteland.
With nothing to guide our footsteps save intelligence,
yet "they" stand on the side of cantankerous pride.
Such rancor! Such is hell for a sane man.
We should challenge this valiant Hate.
Damned if we lose balance unless we're proud of our grays...
Stranded on this mountain spreading fallacies,
pasted on the canvas of chaos with subjective boundaries.
Hosting Modernity on a Post for emergencies; we've all embarked
on this Odyssean journey for freedom as we fall apart.

[Frank]

Things Fall Apart

The fastball brushed the batter off the plate, with a thunderous whistling:
The Farm System fields had grass cut so neat, that our cleats looked fucking forbidden.
The screwball was cutting and twisting and jumping and flipping. I swung and I'm missing.
The next pitch is right in my wheelhouse - I fight it off into the upper pavilion;
..
A lone fan runs through the stands, through the seats, tripping, and catches it with a glove of Wilson color stitching
I hear mother’s rendition from the bleacher seat disrupting the pitching.
The megaphone almost got her suspended for an entire season, but she won the decision.
All the players say I'm lucky to have such a cool mom -
they just wish she wasn't belligerent when I was up because it's become somewhat of a hindrance...
The rally cap in her hand is a windmill in a tornado - pushing the runner to second, like a third base coach - conducting and spinning.
SAFE!
Feet-first-sliding-into-the-shortstop-in-a dusty collision...
The whole crowd erupted from crickets and started a wave that had everybody's hands up - living!
It had a playoff atmosphere setting but it was just an exhibition
The pitcher shrugged off the change up and threw a cutter with precision.
The young gunner was clocked at speeds that numbed such hitters
CLUNK
The ball hit the bat, foul tipping into the rows scented in a buttered tradition.
The concession stands brewed lemon aid and spinning cotton candy the vendors lugged for commission.
HOTDOGS !
BEER HERE !
GET YOUR BEER HERE -
Overflowing cups spilling after every run getting in - drunk on television
The manager makes a mound visit.
The pitcher talks behind a glove in decryption.
The opposing teams scouts, making notes; judging - revision, judging; fiddling with pens, while the bullpen warms up another addition.
'The Yankees farm system is tough to break into, theirs some tough competition.'
The Umpire cleans off home plate: brushing the prism.
The manager calls for a double switch and the closer runs out from left field, with no name, just a number inscription.
The catcher beats his catcher-mitt and warm up throws: thud with conviction.
The knuckle ball - clumsily falls; into the glove and the thumb is inflicted
The warm up tosses are over with - I've studied the pitches...
My pine-tar grip on the alpine bat is ready to deliver in the clutch
The signal -

Shirt across
Arm up and down
Hat
Watch
Double clap

Runners in position - the runner has been sent, but he's gunned from a distance.
I hear the megaphone relentless; my mother is pumped up,
Ejected.
The pitcher winds up and I slump limber; jutting the timber -
BLUE calls strike 2 with ump vigor
I wink at the pitcher. He's thinking Home Run
He coughed up flem and spun the spitter
This pitcher had the kind of stuff that could stun a hitter
Ninth inning, make the cut, deliver
Lumber splinter
Broken bat, sacrifice bunt

- The winner

[Just Write]

This is no dystopian fiction on stage,
this is merely the state of things in decay.
They'd innovate for the sake of vacuous innovation,
plugged into systems for passionless entertainment.

Deep, i also like the lines a couple rows later about losing balance(slacking off) unless were proud of our greys (accomplished something worthy of retirement) this is the first time ive read anything of yiurs but ive heard good things in the forum as of late. I was definitely impressed, though i didnt like some of the schemes but who the fuck cares what i like right? So basically what i got out of this is things fall apart (society, government ect. Which i agree with) but it's up to us to put em back together, post apocolyse type setting. I liked this part the most

Don't you see the irony here?
Manipulating space for a quick arrangement.
A light-wave vessel for credits to buy you your beer.
This is no dystopian fiction on stage,
this is merely the state of things in decay.
They'd innovate for the sake of vacuous innovation,
plugged into systems for passionless entertainment.
It's up to us on the path paved by Eliot's Wasteland.
With nothing to guide our footsteps save intelligence,
yet "they" stand on the side of cantankerous pride.
Such rancor! Such is hell for a sane man.
We should challenge this valiant Hate.
Damned if we lose balance unless we're proud of our grays...


Nice piece bro.


Franky! I wrote about you this week bud.

I really enjoyed this piece, as a kid i had season tickets to the mariners with my grandma for year! I learned to play poker when i was 9 tailgating with her and her drinking buddies lol. My only qualm (and i know you like to do this) is it gets very boring and repetitive when you use the same end rhyme the whhhooole piece. That just immo though. I immediately felt like i was sitting in the stands when i read your piece and thats what i like. Connecting with a piece so much i feel apart of it.

After reading fice's verse i thought he had it. they are both great writers but im going to have to go with who i just enioyed more as a reader and that's frank

Vote=frank

[Adonis]

Fice: so thought this verse was pretty good although not that great. To me it was about music or rather the state of hiphop. It felt as if you kept bringing up how music today is all for the monitary and not about the message. But then the end you started taking about Grey's and humanity, which didn't follow my thought of concept so it threw me off a bit. I also wasn't the biggest fan of the rhyme scheme. Some multies were dope,but you often had stretched lines as well as a end rhyme followed by the same end rhyme in the middle of next sentences which didn't love. Solid verse though bruhv.

Frank: I enjoyed the cadence and flow and progression for most part.but in the beginning you jumped from hitting a deep homer to your mom and then bang, you're sliding at second base and safe. Wtf? Other then that the progression was true and moved at a decent rate with no other complaints other then the some what easy choice of end rhymes.good imagery too.

This was a close battle. Frank had the overall better written verse although he played it extremely safe, how ever if I read fice's verse before hand I might of done the same. The mishap on progressions I mentioned really hurt frank because progression is utmost importance in a linear story. How ever....


Vote frank for a more enjoyable read

[Objective]

Sacrifice: The rhymescheme in the first four lines was cool, but somehow lacking. I'd enjoy it more if ''mist too'' somehow had a connection to something else similar to the execution of withstand -quicksand. Beside of that the start of your piece was enjoyable.

As I come to this section:
''Still it amazes, and strengthens resolve.
Some brazen, embracing the chilling result:
Why resort to killing them all? Only to leave us for life.
I tried to convey with frequency, like they couldn't see the deceit,''

I'm left with quite a few questions. What is the war all about? I feel like I get what you're saying, but not why you say it. What's the story behind this ''Post Modern Collapse''? I'll let doubt get the best of me and I'll continue reading, hopefully I'll get some answers to this as I read on.

''Hosting Modernity on a Post for emergencies; we've all embarked
on this Odyssean journey for freedom as we fall apart.''
^ Allright. So, this is the conclusion for the war that's taking place? But I still don't fully get what started it all beside of innovation and power being the main drive to start the inevitable chaos of human natures wish to rule and be alpha or have a leader to follow. Even then, I still feel the story is kind of missing a more powerful reasoning to why things are like they are. It's as if a war-movie just jumped straight into the battles and conflicts without really telling you why they take place.

Overall: Thought it was cool, but it lacks some serious main points to truly wrap it all together in a neat package.

Frank: Dope intro. Even with my serious lack of knowledge I still get that it's baseball you're talking about, haha. Cool shit and I like your approach. Looking forward to read through this.

I got really dragged into your story and I felt you delivered everything pretty well except for the 9 lines that all started with ''the'', kinda repetitive start to a series of lines after one another, nothing too serious but I noticed it. The way you conveyed the situation made even me understand what was going on in a game I know little about, thought you did it well in other words.

As it comes to an end things seem to fall apart, but I guess it was saved in the end by the home run. Enjoyable read, well done.

Vote - Frank. I felt he had a more complete piece overall. Still enjoyed both verses, but I thought that Frank came through more complete when it comes down to it.

[Pinot Grij]

Sacrifice, I gotta be upfront with the fact that I did get lost with this verse, even after a second reading. The diction was on point as usual, when you're rhyming inside and out it's like Muhammad Ali for me - ducking and weaving and throwing jabs, toying with you. The wording is effortless and mesmerizing - but while I'm usually drawn to the way you take huge concepts and bring them down to earth and breathe life into them, this narrative take was really difficult to access. It took three reads before things started to fall into place for me... even still the turn from the general leading his men into a siege then going to the social indictment of society seemed to be too much of a thematic shift. So, everything up to "I remember that Christmas..." played well, although it was difficult to get into.. but after that, I found things fell off.

Frank, I gotta commend you for being pitch perfect with the topic choice - spring training is underway and if you're a baseball fan like me, this was really fun to get into. But it's also the reason I'm really pissed at your verse, the progression makes no sense whatsoever... let me elaborate:

I read your verse under the impression that your hitter is at-bat for the entire verse, at least that's the way it appears... in that case, there can be only one runner on base... as you say, your runner steals second (So there's no one on second)... but then gets "gunned from a distance" once he's sent (the only possibility is that he's trying to steal third), which means there can't be anyone on third in the first place - so when you say "runners in position" there's really only one guy on base since the other two bases are open to be stolen and when he gets thrown out (along with the mom), then the bases are empty. So there can be no sac bunt of any kind... right??? I don't think I'm reading too much into this, the story is inherently flawed and that's just sloppiness, imo. I appreciate that this was more about the fun and whimsy of the game, but with such an inherent error in storytelling, I can't cosign this verse.

On this basis, I have to vote for Sacrifice... although I feel that there were flaws in the storytelling, the writing was still cool and the 1st half of the verse was on point, although difficult to access without multiple readings.

Hate at will.

[dull boy]

I think these 'battles' end up coming down to which verse was easier to read, and more entertaining. Sacrifice, your verse was wonderfully written from a technical standpoint. The internal rhyming and wording was nearly brilliant. I think someone else mentioned that it became kind of muddled story wise around the middle of the verse, and I'm inclined to agree. I was intrigued by the opening, but began to lose interest and became confused with the point after that. Things fell apart... maybe your verse personified the topic perfectly. Frank, I love baseball, so I was hooked from the beginning. You did well for the most part with setting the mood, but at times you used lines and themes that didn't really progress the story or feel of your piece as a whole. I also agree that using the same rhyme the entire verse gets boring, and while technically inspiring, it hinders the entertainment value of the story, I think.

Vote = Frank, because I like baseball more than dystopian metaphors or whatever.

[Exoduzt]

Sacrifice: Damn...you came out crazy in the beginning section. That rhyme scheme is dope and the flow is on fucking point. I felt a few of your lines were stretched but im a big fan of your scheme. I just feel your verse is kind of all over the place concept wise tho. some parts were hard to follow I had to re read this a few time. but overall this was a dope verse and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Frank: WOW! I was a huge fan of this verse. I loved the way you took to the topic. You were very descriptive with your words in such a way it was like I could totally paint the picture in my head of exactly what you were saying. Altho some of your lines were stretched and could of been worded better this was a nice fucking verse. Altho I do hate the Yankees...METS ALL DAY!

MVGT: Frank...seriously a close battle I just thought the way frank described everything was a bit more clearer. Really nice battle fellas

[YDK]

sorry for a short vote guys my daughters been keepin me busy lol
Sacrifice you had a decent verse man, the flow had some complexity to it that I didn't like in the first few lines but picked up and read smooth for me the rest of the way. the take on the topic was a bit cliché because its been done before but you brought a bit of originality to it still so good job doing that on a such a bland topic. props bruh
Frank you had a cool verse too, I love baseball so I had to keep readin an towards the end I was thinkin "don't swing bitch bunt!" lol flow was good but not the best I've seen from you but the story itself was intriguing and kept me wanting to know what happened next. nice choice on Americas favorite past time lol
Vote Frank for the more entertaining drop

[Clockwerk]

Sacrifice

'This land: stories reported of glory and death and of darkness.
Sheathing their blades made to slay demons with a Veteran's sharpness'

'Still families lined up for the latest editions.
The Fall had faded so hastily,
in stasis with basic tradition by way of ancient religion'

Your style of writing here was top notch, packed with so many quotable lines
but I found myself lost at times & it often felt like I was reading random
statements all packed together, im not sure if its my lack of sleep or im
a little rushed for time but for me the entertainment value wasnt all that high.

Frank

'they just wish she wasn't belligerent when I was up because it's become somewhat of a hindrance...
The rally cap in her hand is a windmill in a tornado - pushing the runner to second, like a third base coach - conducting and spinning.'

The young gunner was clocked at speeds that numbed such hitters
CLUNK
The ball hit the bat, foul tipping into the rows scented in a buttered tradition

Ive never been to or even watched a baseball game in my life, but your verse was wrote
with such realism, I acually felt like I was there & it made for a very enjoyable read.
Quality use of descriptive writing, loved it.


Vote - Frank

[Greed]

Sacrifice you had your moments but most of it didn't make sense. Frank the baseball shit was hot verse was solid

V frank

[Diode]

sacrifice came at this from more of a prose perspective than anything.. which surprised me, given his audio talents and ability to rhyme at a far superior level than most text folks. he took the high road here, spinning a tale about an invented civilization and the irreversible decline to entropy. there were occasional internal rhymes and brief bars, but this read more like a story (and from a talented author at that) than a rhyme piece.

frank.. i've said it countless time. the guy knows how to grab a reader and build atmosphere. nobody else in the aowl can capture a scene or a character better than this guy. one small fact about a double switch being pulled in an AL farm system irked me, but that's just sports nerd rage. the mother didn't feel necessary to the story, though it needed a folly and frank delivered. the anticlimactic ending was a strength and played beautifully. neither win nor loss. dug it. as for its relevance to the topic however, i felt the connection was weak as the only thing that "fell apart" was the mother-son relationship.

still, story will always grab at my feels and sac's decision to write prose over poetry hurt his cause.

v/ frank

[dyedinthewool]

sacrafice- i enjoyed reading your verse but i felt as if i was reading a topical sometimes and a short story another. i got lost somewhere along the line just trying to figure out how to read this. despite that disconnection, it was well written. i appreciate your use of words as well.

frank- crazy imagery, i felt like i was there! i am not the greatest baseball fan but this was much too live! your energy in this piece alone stands out for me. i enjoyed reading this and i felt you brought your piece to life

mvgt frank

[e11even]

Sacrifice- Very nice piece. I fell into this read and enjoyed it thoroughly. I think the stance noted is a great argument, and with this execution it evolved into an exceptional drop. One or two rhyming slips, but this was overall a pretty solid drop. Good job.

Frank- very fucking fine writing. Your realm of descriptive ability is boundless, it seems. You write well when you need to and here you outdid yourself. This was an awesome piece. Great job.


Both you guys had great material. Frank had the perfect balance of everything though. He really brought his niche 'home'. MVGT Frank.