Week 1: timeless vs. dyedinthewool \\ timeless wins 5-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"On the Road"


Good luck, timeless and dyedinthewool.

[timeless]

As a whole, each piece is important to the puzzle.
Masses fold, seek deep risk endorsements through a struggle
And they fumbled, absorbing to the hustle and loathing.
Tug of war with each hope and boasting trust with a coating.
Spoken with such notion a flowing tide would leave an ocean
And preach atonement to the willing ears of each son chosen
To rope in the hopeless and father their needs and spirits.
Weakened nearest the honored dollar that feeds us fear and…
..we can’t help to be coherent.

I watched Dole get stuck inside a new pothole.
Few lodged souls but he stayed until it got cold.
On these winter nights, no human will be outside,
Our plan might sound ripe…
…yet the clouds might open and leave our town white.
My body’s shield can easily block the wind’s drift.
I wish it could withstand pressure from the thickest.
Thousand pounds of steel intercept our mission,
Daily, frailty seeks out our nerves to sink in.
Miss a blink and we’d all be gone in an instant.
Dole tried to leave the hole and was left in pigments.

We’ve been at it all day trying to find some food.
Such a struggle that wishing death’s the type of mood
That I grew accustomed to traveling these roads
Laughing at the toads jump, stuck in battling mode.
We strive to make it to the other side of the lines,
The yellow ones were easy, now the white’s sunk in time.
I wish I was closer, don’t want to end up like Dole,
Just another turtle willing to send up his soul.

Being able to provide for your family
Sneaks in labels through road signs, forged core sanity.
Type of morse code for apathy, shit’s sad to see.
I felt unease but I knew I just had to breathe.
One step forth into the dark, let the static feed.
I’d rather see peace and live life so lavishly.
Nature’s mind tactics are weak, far from war power
It’s the humans we need to spare us one more hour

[dyedinthewool]

On The Road


All I’ve known for the latter parts are bruising med locks and bags-
Filled with medications that lag, life fit for a kingdom of sad
For a spleen that goes bad, an attack on this heart that I’ve had
Tangled in blood cells that give up, at the brim of a glass
So to dream never lasts, in this morbid hospice harmonica
Organ failures block the corridors playing jazz electronica
Chemo for the warriors, that once took life as a prize,
Blood shot are the eyes of a little boy begging to die,
He got a piece of the pie and it breaks my heart from my room
As I listen to the bad news of patients accepting a tomb
They are leaving too soon, and I beg god for some hospitality-
To release me in sleep or allow me tremendous vitality
A medicated mentality or am I thinking clearer than day?
Give me a pint of suppressants and I’ll overcome a cliché
Any time any day, I just want that bohemian sunrise,
Opposite of the mountains where I can say I survived
An aplastic entity with the soul of a daisy, aesthetic and paisley,
And I wish the same god that made me
Wouldn’t take me away.

[Just Write]

Timeless, lol i was like is dude really talkin about being stuck in a pothole in the cold until the turtle line lol. Then it made a little more sense. You spoke about being "on the road" literally, which sometimes would be boring but i like the emotion you put forth. Nice effort, i do think it was a little bland and not very creative but still enough to afford a win this week.


Dyed, idk why but i was really looking forward to reading something from you (might have been the avy or just taste in music) but to be honest i was dissapointed. You talked about being on the road to death, while it had emotion and subtle hints of creativity it seemed rushed and incomplete. Hopefully next week you'll have more time to write.

This week timeless gets the vote from me

Vote=timeless

[PancakeBrah]

timeless -

This was interesting. I liked the route you took with the topic, it was different than what I think most would do. Your verse had some weird wording and punctuation/grammar in my read through, maybe I just wasn't catching what you were trying to say. But overall this was a cool little verse with some nice lines here and there. Maybe a bit too much existential stuff but that's a nitpicky qualm. Solid.

dyedinthewool -

I liked your ending three lines. The concept of your verse is probably one of the first someone would think of if they were to go a metaphorical route with the road. Not a problem, per se, but it leaves you open to losing to a better approach. I liked the style you wrote in here, very easy going. Not a lot of fuss with a focus on the content. Kind of refreshing. The brevity may hurt you in the eyes of some voters but I didn't find anything intrinsically wrong with it.

This is the first battle I've read this week that I've had a tough time deciding. I initially wanted to go with dyed but in rereading both verses I felt dyed's was a little more cliche than I initially remembered. This was a close one, fellas, and the loser shouldn't feel bad about losing. Interesting match.

v/ timeless

[Cereal_Killa]

Timeless:

Fear and…
Coherent

Massively respect that first stanza..

"Daily, frailty seeks out our nerves to sink in.
Miss a blink and we’d all be gone in an instant.
Dole tried to leave the hole and was left in pigments."

PINK MIST.. what an image :)

"wishing death’s the type of mood"

That’s sexy to me..

Im watching enders game and I am not even lying it’s matching (better then listening to the darkside of the moon n “the wizard of OZ”)
Even the Willy Wonka freeze/pink mist zone.. Direct hit..

Also as far as structure this was an amazing peace, rhythmic, solid and your style in general was sensational..

Battling Toads Mwahaha

What a line..


DYE:

WOAH!

"at the brim of a glass
So to dream never lasts,"

100% reading this at an extreme rate, with all the swirls you are throwing.. the direct tornado that you where hoping for engulf's you..

"n this morbid hospice harmonica
Organ failures block the corridors playing jazz electronic"

perfect example..
Imagery out the wazzoo..

"Give me a pint of suppressants and I’ll overcome a cliché"

I feel like this all the freaken time, hands down..

The surving of the long hard road out of turmoil, is highly impressive.. even the reach out for help still along the way – knowing its not over.. Love it..

VOTE = Timeless

Hey the story and structure Woahhh..

good luck guys..

[Objective]

Timeless: A literal piece, I thought it was pretty cool tbh. Turtles trying to cross the road I guess, at least that's how I understood it. Enjoyed the read and your approach to the topic. The rhymescheme could have been upped a little, but that's about it. Decent lil piece you got there. Don't really got anything more to add.

dyedinthewool: Liked your word choices here and there. The approach was cool but could have been built upon to paint a clearer or a more introspective image or something. I don't know, felt it was cool, but kind of lacking overall in terms of the topic at hand. There's so much you could have done with that kind of approach that left me asking why you didn't take it to the next step of a deeper message or a more complete story. It was allright for what it was, but I think with a bit more time and more building on the ideas you got it could have been a lot better overall.

Vote: Timeless for a more complete verse and a more interesting/enjoyable approach. Decent battle.

[Exoduzt]

Timeless: It was cool how you took to the topic. Actually being on the road was a cool idea and you executed your verse quite nicely. I felt you could have been a bit more creative with some of your lines but overall it was a good solid read. I really liked the morce code for apathy line. That was cool

Dyed: I really liked the approach you took to this topic. I thought it was a really cool idea. I do wish tho that you could have elaborated more in some of your lines to really bring the story to light. the flow was a boring to me in some parts. Nothing that really stood out. but overall enjoyable read and nice verse

MVGT: Timeless...I just enjoyed his verse a bit more and thought he executed the topic better...close battle tho