ZenLand Part II

[Zen]

Part I-The Declaration
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?398-ZenLand

Part II-The Revolution

Each day is harder gettin slain by Karma wondering when I became a martyr?
Che Guevara. Things best change tomorrow or I'll leave in a flash of bullets,
Blake, relax and cool it. "Fuck that them bastards blew it,
You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,
Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,
You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,
But if you're the Master...Prove it."
I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy,
Now I'm past that, I'm on rap tracks tryin to grasp the melodies,
"HAHAHA Hashtag backtocelibacy!! You lack the relevancy
To make a success, What happened to breaking necks and taking techs
And blastin persons?" That was my last version, I'm past that person,
"Fuck that moment of doubt, foam at the mouth like a rabies bite!!"
You know what?
You may be right....
Because these people make me like.....
Grabbin nines and shootin fucks to pass the time and loosen up
A master primed and suiting up with a savage mind that refused to love
Them Garbage Kennedys, I'm starting remedies with Marxist tendencies
To rip apart the enemies that guard the industries from harm or injuries
Because it's hard to live in peace while we starve and live in streets,
God's arms in our reach, Pfft...I'd rather carve in a priest
And take his arm or limb at least when I'm charged on hennessey
Til the sun sets, but I ain't done yet then I target the ministries
With men armed with heat screaming, "Viva la Revoluccion!!"
On the eve of the conclusion....

[IamBenT]

Fantastic, the flow is on point, the images are crisp, I read part one and really liked the whole rebel tip that both pieces are on. The switch in this verse was tight, really a great dialogue going between the first attitude and a new more communal attitude where you are seeing that there's a job to do and its not just about you.

Dope verse

[Zen]

Appreciate that Bent.

[Zen]

Hey you guys remember when I fed your pieces and then you didn't return the favor? I do :)
UP

[CopyPat]

craziness man. you def swinging around some nice vocab on some crazy multies and complexity. very interesting to read, this is skillfull work. i liked the last half when the pace sped up and you kinda just got on a rant and let off some steam. dopeness. u had some good slanting too like: enemies to industires.. works well.. there were a couple parts that weren't EXACTLY perfect like missing a syllable but thats getting picky. this is really good shit man. enjoying ur pieces here so far. you ever get on aim to keystyle or anything? at the very least u should drop some in the cypher section

[Zen]

I did a keystlye drop in OM called Ghost that's Livin but idk where it is lol. And my last battle in the AOWL was a keystlye CopyPat. If you got anything that needs feed let me know

[Just Write]

my nucca..

Each day is harder gettin slain by Karma wondering when I became a martyr?Che Guevara. Things best change tomorrow or I'll leave in a flash of bullets,Blake, relax and cool it. "Fuck that them bastards blew it,You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,

that shot was tight, coulda quoted the whole thing.. just some great vocab with a rapid fire delivery.. you write with a beat or what? if so what did you use here? def gunna peep the other piece.. so far everything ive read from you ive enjoyed so kudos to that. you be interested in collabin on sumn? if so pm me.. stay up n keep droppin them fresh joints.

[Zen]

Appreciate that JW and on the collab maybe sometime. I've got a few people who say they wanna collab at the moment but if you've all ready gotta topic to collab on them PM and I'll get something written holmes Just Write

[Split]

Feed here later

[J C]

It was sick. It had a cool beat goin with it.

[Zen]

There was no beat there. And I appreciate you dropping one sentence after I gave you a paragraph of feed.

[Jah Homie]

Made me think of Immortal Technique listening to it. You could put *insert da circle member here* to that middle verse. Visually it was well constructed, loved how many syllables you incorporated into the rhyme while staying on point.

I'll admit, not a fan of this line though. HAHAHA Hashtag backtocelibacy!! You lack the relevancy
It was a little gimmicky, and # in my opinion doesn't belong in a song. While I like the squishedtogetherwords conceptually they aren't repeated to continue.

Still, that was super dope, and I loved the "mirror-effect" across the page. It felt like a poem, and after all, that is what rap is supposed to be: Poetry over music.

[J C]

There was no beat there. And I appreciate you dropping one sentence after I gave you a paragraph of feed.

Your welcome. Everythings got a beat

[Zen]

Go away.
And thanks Jah Homie

[Matriarch]

Impressive work here, Zen :)

The main difference between this and part one was the tone.

Part one had a theological vibe to it. This appeared as more a social intonation (Though the interrelation is there).

Loved the dialogue. It was natural and pretty convincing; Not an easy feat in regards to this type of writing arena. I'm not quite sure if there's internal dialogues going on but i felt it (dialogue) was appropriate well executed.

I'm horrible at feedback so i will leave it at that.

Overall great job ;)

[fathead]

HonestlyI Think That Was Really Impressive It Flowed Really Well. The Lines About Being A martyr And Che Guevara Is what Reminded Me Of Immortal Technique. I Really Liked The LineS

"I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy,
Now I'm past that, I'm on rap tracks tryin to grasp the melodies“

Because ITs Redemption And Pretty Profound, So You Had Good Content Too.

[Zen]

Appreciate the feed Matriarch and fathead

[Strikta]

I'll be back later to critique this bro.

[Flow]

Hahahaha

Beasted it son..

I literally spit that aloud so fast, the flow was boss.

The content and flow....it was totally up my street. I might even record me on that just for you!

I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy

Gave me a bit of an old shady feel in some places, that bit above specifically, not sure why but meh it isnt a bad thing.

Keep writing boss

Flo

Actually edit - it could be longer ;)

[Zen]

Hahahaha

Beasted it son..

I literally spit that aloud so fast, the flow was boss.

The content and flow....it was totally up my street. I might even record me on that just for you!
I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy

Gave me a bit of an old shady feel in some places, that bit above specifically, not sure why but meh it isnt a bad thing.

Keep writing boss

Flo

Actually edit - it could be longer ;)
No lol.
But I appreciate the kind words fella

[Flow]

No lol.
But I appreciate the kind words fella

Your loss ;) I would have done it over the "Im a barbie girl" song in the voice of a raving burning shaolin monk

[Zen]

Feed here later
...............:)
And that sounds more like a victory not letting you do it Flo Real lol

[Split]

This was good. Not a lot of quotables but at the same time, no wasted words. Wording was nicely consistent as was your scheming.. Which is dope cause its clear you're comfortable and can really go in whenever you choose. Mastery of your own style, important shit. We should collab.

Avid shootist rhymes were my favorite part. Keep keyin

[Zen]

Much obliged Splitty. A collab would be dope.

[King Ra.]

Make it a three way collab. ;)

I think I featured this in the mag, right? I thought this was dope as fuck. Your scheme, I think, is what really made this stand out. The content was ill. Like Split said, you are coming into your own style & that right there will separate you from others.

You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,
Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,
You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,
But if you're the Master...Prove it."
^holy shit at this.

The second part was cool, lacked the fire & intensity from the first part, but it was cool man. Overall, DOPE. Keep at it.

[Zen]

King Queef I ain't ever seen you step in here in the OM. It's kinda frightening tbh. But I appreciate your feed and kind words man. And I think Split would agree a 3 way collab wit cha would be dope.

[Flak]

Just sounds like more militant anti-government stuff to me with little direction. I'm not even sure who you're mad at here other than priests. I appreciate the attempt at a back and forther but the conversation just sounds unnatural. Who says hashtag aloud like that? Who would actually use the word hashtag in a rap?

What exactly needs to be revolutionized? What are you fighting against? I took next to nothing from this. You're obviously educated and can make words rhyme for lack of a better term, but this just seems like something I've heard done better before.

[YDK]

This was cool man I coulda swore I fed this on aob but I guess not lol I loved the approach you. Took wit it not a normal generic swag piece but had some strong flexin. In it. The flow was smooth an muties were good but feel the transitions from rhymes to the seperate/next rhymes could have been smoother. Overall tho it was a strong drop with a unique take, just work on the transitions an you'll have fire bruh. Good shit keep it up

[Zen]

Flak I don't like you now and I'd like a link to who did this better please :)
Creed you da man for droppin real feed.

[Cereal_Killa]

Amazing man.. Serious
Im thinking after soo many reads of you, that Tech n9ne is a massive influence.. Your more politcal times and you have more emotion.. But write so crisp as so tight that i read this as if it's suppose to b spat in twist..

Dope as hell man, great content.. awesome rhythm.. mood of its cool.. Nice piece..

[Zen]

Tech is good but I don't listen to him too much but agreed I think my style and his are pretty similar. Appreciate that feed CK

[Dove Dozer]

very ill piece on so many levels. the mechanics was retarded dude, multies and internals all the way through made this very fun to read. I didn't find anything predictable either, which is a sign of some outstanding vocab, I really enjoyed this, it was enlightening to read and it was full of quotables as well. I don't have that much time to drop all of them but here are a few lines I really felt stood out to me.

"..Che Guevara. Things best change tomorrow or I'll leave in a flash of bullets,
Blake, relax and cool it. "Fuck that them bastards blew it,
You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,
Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,
You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,
But if you're the Master...Prove it.."

I really enjoyed the swag to this.. flowed impeccable.


"..Grabbin nines and shootin fucks to pass the time and loosen up
A master primed and suiting up with a savage mind that refused to love.."

nice nice nice man.. overall one of the top OM pieces Ive read. and that is saying a lot.

strength and honor. keep writing.

[Zen]

Much appreciated man and you quoted my favorite bar from this lol. Let me know when you drop something and I'll return the feed

[Inno]

this was dope man..i mean jesus your inners and multis are crazy in this piece..i read your other piece as well but didnt reply cuz im like that tho...anyway the flow is what impressed me..you got all this dope ass vocab and complex scheme and yet your flow stayed in tack..no bumps smoother than a babies dick head yo....the story is doep as well..great character development tbh...tho i got one complaint...did you write these at separete times?
felt like it...that all really a bit more cohesion with the first part..but as its own OM..this was fire duke..like blue flames yo.

[zygote]

Perhaps it could have used more clarity towards the ideology you were supporting. You kind of just name dropped Che Guevara and Marxism, would have been interesting to see more discussion on these topics. Overall, rhymings were good and also enjoyable.

[Zen]

Appreciate the feed zygote and Innovator.

[Breh321]

sheesh, seein these pieces makes me really wanna step my shit up lyrically

honestly tho audio this type of shit up if you haven't already, even acapella this would be fire poetically

i like the shift from the first to the second, easy to relate to...fluidity of thought and all that..all around dope

[GKillaZ]

I like how you wrote this piece ... its really dope to look at. You flow pretty much perfect the whole way through , I think it starts off a bit better in the first half, but the second half way nice too. although now that I read this again.
Because it's hard to live in peace while we starve and live in streets,
God's arms in our reach, Pfft...I'd rather carve in a priest
And take his arm or limb at least when I'm charged on hennessey
Til the sun sets, but I ain't done yet then I target the ministries

thats real sick. real good piece man, keep dropping em'
8/10

[Mr. J]

I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy,
Now I'm past that, I'm on rap tracks tryin to grasp the melodies,
"HAHAHA Hashtag backtocelibacy!! You lack the relevancy
^^^^
that was my favorite section, seems like you wanted to go in hard there
and you did exactly that, I enjoyed it, the flow was on point
very nice braggadocio drop...this was solid my dude..keep writing

[namix]

a belated but much deserved breakdown, my friend:

Thoughts while reading:
- solid flow out the gate, good call-backs coupled with inners to break out potential monotony (which i sometimes allow myself to be a victim of as i get going)
- "i AM the master of my destiny, I just mask my complexities" - great concept
- "hahaha hashtag backtocelibacy!! you lack the relevancy" - this was a real smooth way to reinforce the "doubt" you established in the felony/jealousy line in a very modern context (while knowing they are somewhat separate points, it was still solid conceptual flow from my perspective), lol @ hashtag backtocelibacy,
- loved how the plot is progressing going into the "right aligned" section, a clear shift in perspective coupled with a subtle "shift" in alignment visually too (may or may not have been deliberate, interested in whether it was or not, but it 'worked' in a cool way in any event)
-"Them Garbage Kennedys, I'm starting remedies with Marxist tendencies"
--- oooh, dope rhyme and 'political polarity' so to speak
-"hard to live in peace while we starve and live in streets"
--- point blank truth, great concept

The conclusion:
--- the build up was great, though I did not necessarily anticipate what that shift in perspective was going to be, that was creative liberty on the writer's part imo, and all that was needed to "round out" the verse was exactly what you provided - a perspective shift, and a conclusion insofar as to what that shift in perspective was going to culminate to.
--- I really liked the "conclusion" in that it was the "eve of the conclusion" (coupled with your verses conclusion), that was poetic, and while not as decisive as most topicals tend to be these days, that made it more fresh to me.
--- to expound, loved the "EVE" of the conclusion - very well written, the appropriate amount of 'conclusion' coupled with the flexibility to reopen this piece with a follow-up OR simply allow the audience to imagine what that conclusion would entail via the revolution to come.


Overall:
--- technical craft: solid flow, good references/metaphor and overall intelligent writing

--- story telling: knowing you had a part 1 to this piece, I assume there was some context that may have been relevant to this one -- HOWEVER -- while I almost read that first, I thought it was worthwhile to evaluate this stand-alone, because it speaks to solid story-telling if you can make a piece BUILD off another piece while also being a meaningful read in and of itself - which it was. I enjoyed the progression throughout, though thought there was opportunity to make the 'decision point' a bit more distinct/clear --- the need for a shift in perspective was clear, the transition from 'struggling to decide who the individual was/is going to be' was clear -- but the decision would have been further empowered through more direct allusion to the ultimate conclusion, if that makes sense?

What I mean is: you were super effective at framing up the internal struggle, the doubt, allusions to pros/cons, but a bit more in terms of clearly framing up the decision point in terms of "I can do this or that" would have enhanced the ultimate decision point --- i hope I am being clear here, not much to pick at from a constructive criticism standpoint, and again, also appreciate the fact that i had not read part 1 in the process, but I think going back to the compliment i gave you about making this a 'stand alone piece' AND a secondary installment, the feedback still is applicable either way - though you did better than most in that regard, imo

--- creativity: really liked a couple of those one-off lines i called out, solid creativity. always a good 'theme' (the struggle of decision making, the choice - doubt - conclusion) - a good theme you brought to life in your own way. also appreciated the, potentially unintentional, creative use of alignment -- more, to me, than just breaking out the plot, the shift to "right" could be poetic in its own 'right'. from being "left in doubt" to "confident in the right decision", no question i could be over thinking it, but it worked.

Great read. Sorry it took me so long to return the favor on the feedback from a couple months back, but I try to stand by my word, so didnt want to leave you hanging brotha.

let me know if you have any thoughts/questions on the above - otherwise, great read pawtna.

[Zen]

Dope feed namix. You deserve an accomplishment for that feed lol. And yes I'm glad you caught that left in doubt and now he's on the "right" path. Excellent feed. I'll feed your other piece soon ain't got much time lately.

[Mr. J]

Verse was pretty slick a nice flow to it as well
you bounced your word usage around to rhyme well
which had this piece oozing with nice mixture of arrogant tendencies
while also turning it into a stronger stand towards the end
a good twist for the whole verse...nice drop my dude keep writing