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Illume
02-24-2014, 09:29 AM
The sky drops into the tallest metropolis,
Consciousness evaporates, molecules ominous,
Nostradamus prophesied miraculous topplings,
A prophet's prophecies given by the hand of Mephistopheles.
The Earth reverts to ashes and life is reversed,
Was rife with perverse wishes, the purposefully vicious conversed,
Hurt was indigenous, malicious conformity,
Spun around til real humanity's the silent minority.
A preposterous prose is this life that we know,
It's a blight in the code, sitting right under our nose.
A celestial mistake that's righted by gold,
The plight that we know is fueled by the fight to behold.
It's a typo in bold, highlighted by rights that we hold,
We ruin this Earth by lightin' this fire that we blow.
It's night and we're all but erased from the light and our throne,
Gawping at gaping holes in the space where we might have been old.
There's a place where we roamed once, simplistic as 'home',
Our dominion dethroned us, there's no click and reload.
Thousands of years, suffering, void of recess,
To own something that was never ours to possess.
Cathartic effects are now only remarking at best,
We're in the dark with Kevlar on, strapping bombs to our chests.
Catholics confess, rhetorics express, too much to digest,
We command STOP! .. while our guts have regressed.
We gulp for a breath, laboured breathing is tiring,
Begging the skies while mother nature is dying,
God spits in our eyes, floods the Earth till we're dead,
There's no Noah this time. No, it's over. The end.

Vulgar
02-24-2014, 11:21 AM
I'm going to offer a few thoughts. You are a solid writer with visible skill, but I think you struggle with small intri***ies that could be improved upon. All of the ingredients are there for you to be a powerhouse, though.

A sky falls in the tallest metropolis,
^A sky falls "in"? I would imagine it could fall "above" a metropolis, but "in" would insinuate that it falls inside of the building, like...down a rogue elevator shaft.Consciousness evaporates, molecules ominous,
Nostradamus predicted miraculous topplings,
A prophet's prophecies inflicted by Mephistopheles.
^"inflicted" isn't the right word. I don't think you should try to rhyme with 'predicted' because you're stepping away from the previous rhyme scheme as it is. You can pretty much use any word you want to make it sound as smooth and natural as possible. I would use 'prophetize' since you used variations of the word prior. It might make for engaging wordplay.
A rumbling Earth reverts to ashes and life is reversed,
Rife with perverse wishes, curses, purposefully vicious,
^'curses, purposefully vicious' has a nice ring to it but lacks relevance.
Hurt is indigenous, malicious conformity,
Spun around til real humanity's the silent minority.
^Dope.
A preposterous prose is the life that we know,
It's a blight in the code, sitting right under our nose.
A cosmological mistake, righted by gold,
^Did you use the word 'cosmological' in a piece recently? Choose more variety. There are tons of words you can use.
The plight that we know is fueled by the fight to behold.
It's a typo in bold, righted by rights that we hold,
^lol @ typo in bold.
We ruin this Earth by growing this fire that we blow.
^This part fell off for me. 'by growing this fire that we blow' - you can do better than this.
It's night and we're all but erased from the light and our throne,
Gaping at holes in the space where we might have been old.
^Fantastic bar.
There's a place where we roamed, simplistic as 'home',
Our dominion dethroned us, there's no click and reload.
Thousands of years, tears, rapes, killings, none of it rest,
^'none of it rest' is ehh
To own something that was always none of ours to possess.
^last line was okay, you could've ended stronger.

Illume
02-24-2014, 11:29 AM
Edited brah. 'Prophesied' sits sweet. I like it. Wrote some new lines that came to me too (the last 6). Thanks for the feed.

NYCSPITZ
02-24-2014, 11:38 AM
this was pretty dope gawd.

Vulgar
02-24-2014, 12:13 PM
But when we covet the blight, the only price is the death.
^whaaat

You fell off with this last line. Vague...

Illume
02-24-2014, 12:14 PM
But when we covet the blight, the only price is the death.
^whaaat

You fell off with this last line. Vague...

Egghh ... Maybe I'm rushing it. Could probably flesh out the tension for a few more bars and create something a bit more BOOM. Gimme a bit.

Vulgar
02-24-2014, 12:17 PM
Word.

Just try not to rush it.