who wants to hear about anothers problems when we have our own to deal with

[Just Write]

this was a verse for the aowl i unfortunately didnt get to finish in time..


You're only wasting your time writing speeches like that. Why worry about the people and their problems? Think of your own."*The Devil & Daniel Webster, 1941.



when i sit down to jot thoughts i get lost in the fiction,
caught up in diction to convey a proper description.
but why try when translation gets botched in a sentence?
this is suppose to be an outlet to talk about our problems; afflictions
ive opted for missions, night vision goggles that glisten
red dots in iraq where i displayed such awesome precision
pray to god every day that i'd just be offered forgiveness
(little did i know he didnt even offer existence)
i got a daughter thats physically incapable of laughing or talking
it saddens my heart every single day that i walk in
and see her face in her bed, my little autistic princess
i pause for a minute.. n wonder if she pays for the sins ive commited
these intimate conversations never get given their dilligent wages
we just turn the pages to look for more vivid itricate placement
like if i describe the eyes of the eldest sheltered faces
it holds more interest then the hell im dealt and faced with
see personal problems dont mean shit if their not your own
you dont wanna hear about my kids and how much they've grown
you wanna hear about the wig splitting and the bitches i bone
i just wanna talk about the hard mission of sittin at home
wishing my daughter wouldnt get sick and start spittin up foam
or pick up the phone n hear how my kid brother is sick in the dome
there's those minutes i wish that i didnt have this life
and this path of mine wasnt riddled with these tasks i fight
but then i laugh inside and think, damn this cant be right
there better be a big pay-off in my after life...
im the boss of all the these problems.. so i manage them
the reason they happened to me is cuz Im strong enough to handle em..

[Zen]

You finished it. Awesome. I loved this all the way up until the end. This verse had a ton of heart but the ending just kinda left me...well idk I just didn't like it. I understand the idea of "of its here so I deal with it" but maybe make an original way of saying that you know. But besides that I'd say this is a good verse and good luck in the league.

[Just Write]

thanks zen! and if you need anything fed leave a link (that goes for whoever) to be honest i think i rush my endings because i want to hurry and post lol. i will try to make a thurough piece. any advice for me? im still brand new to this writing thing.

[Zen]

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5768-ZenLand-Part-II
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5597-Obnoxious-Dave
My two OM pieces you can feed.
And I rush my endings as well so I know the feeling. And after reading that the only advice I could give you is to just practice you seem to have a good grasp on the fundamentals. All you need to do now is hone that skill.

[dead man]

inspiring and honest. at least it had that feeling. provided any of this was non-fiction, kudos for putting it out there. i think we've all felt like this at some point. while on the other hand, we have the need to hear about other's problems to compare and mediate our own reactions to problems in our personal spheres..

i got a daughter thats physically incapable of laughing or talking
it saddens my heart every single day that i walk in
and see her face in her bed, my little autistic princess
i pause for a minute.. n wonder if she pays for the sins ive commited


see personal problems dont mean shit if their not your own

sort of calls it's personal nature into question..


the positive closer brought everything to a nice finale and created something almost motivating. it had power.


thanks for the read.



1

[Just Write]

thanks dead man.. and its all true, was a soldier of the 1st Battalion 22nd Infantry in 2000-2004.. my daughter is severely autistic and idk man.. sometimes i think karma plays its part. as far as the ending i know its not picture perfect but its still true.. i think a lot of people couldnt handle things others face. i know a few people that if i was going through what they are i couldnt do it and vise versa.. i will feed one of your drops along withs zens after work. and again thank yoy for even reading. any advice, i noticed you're a great writer. any tips will be appreciated

[Zen]

thanks dead man.. and its all true, was a soldier of the 1st Battalion 22nd Infantry in 2000-2004.. my daughter is severely autistic and idk man.. sometimes i think karma plays its part. as far as the ending i know its not picture perfect but its still true.. i think a lot of people couldnt handle things others face. i know a few people that if i was going through what they are i couldnt do it and vise versa.. i will feed one of your drops along withs zens after work. and again thank yoy for even reading. any advice, i noticed you're a great writer. any tips will be appreciated
After reading this it makes this piece hit much harder since it's true. Respect man. Hope all is well.

[CopyPat]

nicely done man. piece was on some realness/emotional but it wasn't super sob story or boring or lacking skill. u certainly made up for that whole woe is me, emo kinda vibe (which will normally throw people off, myself included) by showing really good rhyming and flowing and complexity with the scheming and vocab. just really solid solid piece of work man. well done. keep writin, i'll check for ur shit

[Just Write]

thanks CopyPat, and respect back. i checked out one of your pieces man.. good stuff. i like your style

[Flow]

Ok so i liked this drop, but more for the content then for the rhyme scheme... So i suppose its a double edged sword fam.

I think the scheme you had was good enough to read, but I think this peice needs polishing. Multis would keep that flow rolling tight and I feel you missed out on that. Also you had to simple a scheme fam, it was very much a one word rhyme pattern, you had a few lines which this isnt applicable to but I dont think that was intentional. If you could add that element then it would do wonders for how it reads aloud.

Finally on the critque Id suggest you watch the syllable counts, one some lines it felt it wasnt read aloud...Some lines felt a little off beat with the rest but then thats down to how you go at it I suppose.

On the positives as i mentioned, the content was dope, gripping and is certainly half the battle of a good drop. Keeping someone engaged while rhyming is the skill, an you have that.

Hoping the story wasnt too truthal but props if it is.

Thanks for the feedback on my drop fam, keep rhyming, an anythin I said you disagree with, want to question, dont understand etc just holla.

Flo

[Split]

when i sit down to jot thoughts i get lost in the fiction,
caught up in diction to convey a proper description.

my feels. lol this is me everytime i write.


pray to god every day that i'd just be offered forgiveness
(little did i know he didnt even offer existence)
i got a daughter thats physically incapable of laughing or talking
it saddens my heart every single day that i walk in
and see her face in her bed, my little autistic princess
i pause for a minute.. n wonder if she pays for the sins ive commited

that's real as fuck dude.

you're definitely on the right track dude... i've seen you improving mechanically in other pieces, this is the one that stuck out in my mind. i won't give advice, seeing as i think you're still finding your style... you know what influences you wanna take and which you don't wanna, its up to you. but i look forward to seeing you grow as a writer. keep keyin.