Week 1: Clockwerk vs. WZA \\ Clockwerk wins 10-3

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"Blindness"


Good luck, Clockwerk and WZA.


NOTE: Me being an idiot, I carelessly deleted this original thread but saved both verses.

[Certain]

WZA's verse


I used the topic 'blindness' to basically make people more aware of the truth. (in my fucked up opinion) Hope it's okay, haha.

blindness,why is it such a virus inside us?,
the sheep silenced,we live in a time-when senses need to be heightened,
countless wars for oil,
funded by Earl's and Royals bounded for more civil turmoil,
from the Turks to the persian soil,what's forgotten is Earth's destroyable,
propaganda;
so less is seen,
we're led to believe false truth endlessly,
history's a bluff,they intervened to cover up,
follow along,or be erased,humans are a being chained,we're being slaves,
our freedom vague,the universal weakest race,
we've ceased to seek and trace,yet there's evidence in the deepest caves,
billions are worker bee's,for fortune's (500) greed,
total control,they own the gold,
even the blood diamonds,
yet we turn an eye when it comes to buying,
everything you thought you knew,a by-product construed,to have the human mind caught in deluge,
there's evidence aplenty,yet our heads are empty,
feel free to correct me.., but that's all in the strategy,
it's known the human mind is only operating at 10 percent capacity,
knowledge is power,yet we only scratch the surface,
it's fact that man is a servant for galactic serpents,
though,we will never know our planet's exact purpose,
we are being watched,just ant's in a scope,
curiously tried and studied with trial-use antidotes,
what-you-perceive is just on the surface,think about under the sleeve,
perception is a dying breed,why else are the Mayan extinct?,
they got to smart,so reptilians had to re-start,
you know.. trial and error,it takes more than awhile to compare,
so,they re-wrote history and gave it another-shot,infused undercover-plots and tossed us into the melting pot,
scientific data,a pin in infinite matter,the simplest of stature,limited,because we are living in capture...

Think about it. What you see is not always the truth..

[Certain]

Clockwerk's verse



Patient Number 097 Name: Unknown

An aroma of burnt flesh, sticky bandages, an unknown victim
Wicked symptoms born as a result of a growing inner sickness
Left with no eyesight, his broken retinas concealing the light
Extinguishing life, now tormented in an artificial night
In hindsight, he saw the path he took, a vision of turns
While helplessly clutching the bible, now a prison of words
He sat up straight; he could still picture her face
Ashamed & disgraced at his blistering rage
Treading memory lane, for hours each day, reminiscing
Back to the beginning, before the harsh reality of life’s misgivings
His only interest in women, Fiona, the butcher’s daughter
With skin so soft, it was like she was cleansed in the purest of waters
He became obsessed, too shy to taste the forbidden fruit
Becoming bitter & recluse, the notion of love becoming taboo
Blinded by madness as time passed he became ruled by malice
At the need to seat next to his queen in his make believe palace
He hatched his plan to become a white knight in her hour of need
& torched her home, alone, while she lay upstairs asleep
Soon the silence shattered, violent screams, this was his moment
As he charged forth, time for this quiet boy to become the showman
The quickness of the smoke, choked, through the rubble he shifted
As he could feel the heat of the flames turning his flesh to liquid
Darkness engulfed, preceded by a blinding light, a screaming song
Piercing agony, the heart of the devil or the essence of god
It was over, existing in darkness, wrapped in a blanket of blisters
Here lay the butchers son, murderer of Fiona, his only sister
Trapped with the truth in blindness, deep down the confession
When out popped a voice
'Excuse me sir I’m detective jones, I’d like to ask you some questions'

[Just Write]

This was an alright battle, first thing i've read from either of you.

WZA, I really liked where you went with this, content was it was great, talking about how we're a blind society and an ignorant species which for the most part is true, flow wise this wasn't the best. Pretty choppy but i still liked the verse

Clockwerk, yours was the complete opposite, flow was buttery smooth but i didnt feel your content, i mean clutching a bible in one line and then in the next talking about queens and wgite knights and a detective at the end? Idk man, got your time frames mixed up bro. Also the whole need to seat next to his queen part was a horrible way to word it just to add an extra multi

Hopefully you both bring more next week
mvgt=WZA

[Adonis]

First verse - I didn't like the opening where you explained your use of concept, to me that cheapens the effect a bit and makes me feel a bit dumbed down for voting's sake...Moving on. "we're being slaves," Not sure if that works really wording wise in my opinion. This is a true or original topical to me. I liked the style, not loved, but it was effective. Strong message even if a bit "out there" in normal standards. Decent writing, flow wise it was sub-par to be honest. But you started slow and picked up nicely in all aspects talent.

second verse - "artificial night" I liked that considering route you chose. There were parts I enjoyed such as the the tone and pace of the actual accounts of the fire. Then parts I didn't like at all such as "it was like she was cleansed in the purest of waters".... I mean that seems cliche as well as simple as shit, which leads me to believe you wrote this up in one sitting. Maybe you played to your opponents level to a fault, but the writing talent is showcased in some bits of solid writing, then hidden behind some simple writing.

Tough vote, I wasn't particularly WOW'd by either, both had positive and negative moments. In the end I will go with the verse that I feel simply had the better writing overall

2nd verse.

[Lars]

Good battle here, short and sweet.

WZA: Your verse started off really well I thought, the flow was good and you made it a smooth read, I liked your almost left-field take on the topic and the creativity behind it. I felt the middle of your verse let up on the intense rhyming the first showed somewhat but then you picked it back up again towards the end. First I've read from you I think, but overall a solid showing on your first outing.

Clockwerk: You seemed to have the better strategy of going for a story here rather than a topical verse as WZA did, I was almost sure as soon as you mentioned the 'butcher' that he was going to kill the lead character off so I'm almost glad I was wrong and you didn't go that route in a sense haha! The story took a twist at the end with them being related, I thought the brother was going to die in his own fire as I was reading but again, I'm glad he didn't and the twist worked well. I felt you had the better formatting to your verse than WZA did, but his creativity to the topic at hand was ultimately what had me putting him over the line this week and for that reason, he gets my vote.

WZA.

[PancakeBrah]

WZA -

I really disliked the explaining of your point/message before the verse itself. Seems like putting the carriage in front of the horse. Makes the actual reading of the verse a little academic.

Opened fine enough. I didn't like the use of the semi-colon after propaganda; it didn't really make much sense to use in that spot. 'So' defeats its purpose. "We're being slaves" is a really weird way to put that thought. "We're being enslaved" or "We're slaves" makes a lot more sense. I liked the little fortune 500 wordplay. You needed an 'a' or 'the' before 'deluge'.

"there's evidence aplenty,yet our heads are empty,
feel free to correct me.., but that's all in the strategy,"

What?

Trial use antidotes was cool. A 'pin in infinite matter' sounded cool even if I'm not sure what you mean. The ending was sloppy.

Overall this left me a bit wanting. The rhymes and schemes were pretty basic throughout and you kind of shot yourself in the foot approach-wise by stating your intent plainly at the beginning.

Clockwerk -

Opening two lines were solid. Same as the next two. Sets the scene, albeit with nothing grounbreaking rhyme or description wise. The purest waters wording seemed forced just to couch a rhyme in. 'Seat' should be 'sit', probably. 'Make believe palace' is really dry wording. From there on to the end it's all about the same, critique wise.

Overall this story seemed a little rushed and uneven. I could have done without the introduction of the detective; the point of your story is this guy's torment in regards to wanting to fuck his sister so ending on that note kind of shifts away from the point at the end. I felt the 'reveal' of Fiona being his sister was a bit rushed and maybe the wrong route to go as the verse is constructed currently.


This was just okay. I think WZA bit off more than he could chew and while Clockwerk left a lot to be desired as well his verse was a bit more polished and concise through and through.

v/clockwerk

[timeless]

Wza, Im always a fan of the “truth” conspiracy theory type of stories or movies. Always enjoy thinking outside the box on life’s many unanswered questions. It shows that you rushed this, or not, either way a complete concept wasn’t drawn out and it came off as a rant, which is boring imo. The first half you killed it, loved the wordplay and overall content, then you just went into that rambling state. Not bad though, rhyme schemes could’ve been transitioned better, but not bad.

Clock, not to sure about your ending or what exactly took place. I might just be too high to tackle it, even after a couple reads. Not enough details within the characters. Not a bad read though, real smooth, decent wordplay etc. The only thing I would really pick at was your rhyme schemes, but I would only do that if the flow was off for the most part, which it wasn’t. I enjoyed this, just wish it had more character detail since they were the focal points on the storyline.

Gotta give this to Clock for a more complete approach to the topic. If wza would’ve had his thoughts gathered more, this would’ve been a lot closer to decide.

v.Clockwerk

[patrown]

wza - you got nice flow man. really, sounds great. even though i don't particularly agree with "universal weakest race," when referring to humans.. i'll just continue forward.

everything you thought you knew,a by-product construed,to have the human mind caught in deluge,
^that needed to be broken up and slightly reworded . imho.

it's known the human mind is only operating at 10 percent capacity,
^liked that line in particular but it couuld have rhymed with the following one cuz it stuck out.
although big brother is there..
we are being watched,just ant's in a scope,

no apostrophe was needed there and yes you did just get grammar checked.

kinda lost me with the mayans extinct stuff. their dna is present in modern populations.
but i like how you finished. came across real, we don't really now if his story was truthful but you got a little cliche at times. still a good read i thank you for providing.

clockwerk - carrying rhymes real fluid like. enjoying this so far early on. you're a serious competitor..like how you carried rhyme . great writing. can't really point out any places where i didn't like your story. ended good, adds a fucked up tone that meshed well with the approach you take at storytelling. great drop.

/v - clockwerk came more fluid. wza had some great concepts that if developed would have given him the victory this week. clockwerk just came too sick, real clean. nice match.

[Mike Wrecka]

wow I was really impressed by both verses. first thing I ever read from either of you but you guys have some skill most definitely.

wza - loved the first line for some odd reason, it just sounds cool. the verse was very strong. overview of how the people of the world are blind to the truth and just believe what we are force fed by governments and corporations. used a lot of cool analogies to get the point across like

knowledge is power,yet we only scratch the surface,
it's fact that man is a servant for galactic serpents,
though,we will never know our planet's exact purpose,
we are being watched,just ant's in a scope,
curiously tried and studied with trial-use antidotes

really liked that section

good shit man. good concept on the topic too


Clock - went story mode. it was well done. flow was smooth which isn't easy in story mode. it was engaging and kept me interested. one thing stands out was your end rhymes were very well chosen. you know what your doing. it was dope tbh. I like how you started with him blind, then went to flash back mode telling us how it happened. then went back to present day with the detective asking him a question. bravo bro

overall - I really enjoyed both verses. ridiculously hard to pick which one I liked more. but right now at this very moment I ever so slightly liked WZAs more. so he gets my vote here. stick around guys and welcome to the league. im looking forward to your next drops


vote - wza

[YDK]

crazy battle lol WZA I felt you had the more original approach and kinda made me feel like "great another conspiracy theory" but you had nice good content and pulled it off. I like thinking outside the box but the explanations made it feel amateurish like tellin a joke and asking if somebody gets it ya feel me?
Clock you had a more creative verse and a smooth flow and format. I felt some of the things were confusing like the queen and white knight, not bad, just could have had a more up to date metaphor with a more up to date story.
overall though I gotta vote for Clockwerk for the more polished verse.
good shit guys close call

[Ink]

WZA- Personally not a fan when people try to explain their verse prior to introducing it... Pet peeve, actually. Not factoring that into my decision though. You went with the topical approach, which is cool. Use spaces after commas, please. As much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't get over that eyesore. Given that it was made immediately apparent that you took the topical approach, I was hoping you were going to drop some knowledge.. But when followed was a statement of a lot ideas most of us were already introduced to.. Overall, I ended my read thinking the verse was OK, but nothing that blew me away.

Clockwerk- the concept of "artificial night" was dope. That incest twist at the end was, well, twisted.. Some lines were a bit questionable as far as word usage, but overall the story worked. The details were a bit lacking however. You had a lot of room to really dig in and draw us into the story, but didn't..

Vote: Clockwerk, I enjoyed his verse more overall, and thought it was more solid

[oats]

on my phone, so apologies for the brevity. WZA's verse was cool, a good take on the word blindness, if not a bit predictable. Kinda how the verse played out after, nothing terribly original, but the stuff that was there was good. Clockwerk had a more original idea to it, which I enjoyed, though the writing was pretty flimsy with the rhymes/rhythm/diction. Overall I think Clock took it with a more unique concept.

[Diode]

wza took the immortal technique approach (p.s. that 10% brain thing has been proven bunk time and time again). his flow and rhyme schemes were on point, but the message has been beaten to death so many times it seemed like little effort was involved. this is a story-telling league, though that isn't explicit in the rules, so it's hard to ding him for speaking from his heart on a subject that is important to him. it's hard to be drawn in by the same old message, though. not bad, but not great.

clockwerk fleshed out a story even if it was cliche by aowl standards. the rhyme schemes were more basic (reminded me of a much younger me), but there was at least some investment in the patchwork that tied this all together. the "oh it was his sister and he survived" twist was.. okay.. and the ending was telegraphed well in advance so it didn't draw the reader in any further than the verse allowed it. it was a hand holding exercise for the author and gave little room for the reader to come up with their own interpretation of the events that occurred.

in the end, i do have to give it to clockwerk for giving us something with more meat to it, even if the story is standard aowl fare. i'll take that over "the government is out to get you, why are you blinded by the media, you sheep" type stuff. others have done it for years and do it better. i'll take an average story over that.

v/ clockwerk

[e11even]

Wza- this was a piece on revelation while at the same time not revealing much. If this had a neater setup, language and proper use of vernacular in some places, this could have been a more damaging piece. I felt as though I've read this before or saw this somewhere in the endless conspiracy heaps on youtube. Not original or interestingly executed, but there was obviously some effort. Good try. Keep building on what you have.

Clockwerk- decent storytelling. However, it felt very detached and narrative vs enthralling. Strong structure with persistent, yet subtle rhyming. I think if there was no twist and that last line was absent it would finish as a strong piece on irony, whereas now it ends sort of 'meh'. I liked this but I think more could have been done here to draw the reader in... At least for that final piece that brought the story together. Good job.


Overall, both verses were pretty solid. WZA had an ok approach with sloppy structure and inconsistent rhyming, while CW had solid story and better structure. Thank you guys for showing and I hope you guys are still show next week. MVGT Clockwerk.

[dyedinthewool]

Wza- your content was strong and your diction was good and I am sure that with a tighter flow you could have developed a greater impact. I enjoyed your verse, and while it was not story like, like that of your opponent, you still managed to bring your point across. I believe the only aspect of your topical I wish improved is technicality.

Clock- you chose a different route than that of your opponent, you certainly have storytelling down, and I read this only to realize that the piece feels a tad bit unfinished or rushed per say? I say that because like in my battle, I could have done so much more and I didn’t (for me it was lack of time). Your flow was a lot cleaner than your opponents and you filled me with suspense towards the end. A minor let down however because I feel that after some polishing, your piece could have been excellent.

This battle is one of those battles where you choose one for what the other didn’t bring to the table but you both had hits and misses, so for enjoyment alone I’m going to vote for clockwerk