Too Manic

[Ink]

Wrote this originally for the RSTL.. Then revised it a little bit... I want to revisit this piece and revise it again, so was curious to see some more feedback before I begin

Too Manic

I’m not kept together, I’m just neatly packaged
These eyes have bled tears that smiles blanket
And no one knows, and no one hears
‘cause I won’t tell… the end is near…

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain
My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut
And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not – be
So…
Slide down… from the wall to the ground…
Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown…
And now?... it’s the ending of this…
One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss…

Shut these eyes into slits like sliced wrists, I’m going home
Embrace the ice kiss of steel tips, to ticks of a metronome
I’m standing on the tip of a matchstick - with a sandpaper soul
That I wear under my feet, got a habit of dragging my soles
I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fire
My life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighter
So I press these needles into veins that look like streets on a map
They pinpoint me along a road trip, I’m just following the path
I’m on my way… ETA? End of today – go
Transit is convenient when I’m my own scapegoat
Blood trickles down in beads, forming rivers - thin
Puncture wounds sting from perspiration that coats my skin
I muster up - half a grin - at the irony of the predicament
They say life isn’t for us to take, so I guess that this is petty theft
Cause I’m not worth half a cent, my networth is fraudulent
They gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless
The mood has gotten ominous, I’m at that point where I am optionless
And even if I had choices, I’d have nothing to weigh them with
I’m a broken instrument... staining this house, a broken pen
This will be a slow death......

Daybreak... the sun creeped in through the blinds
And shed a tear as it kissed my cheek for the first time...
Goodbye

[Flow]

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain
My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut
And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not – be
So…
Slide down… from the wall to the ground…
Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown…
And now?... it’s the ending of this…
One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss…

Some serious flow/syllable issues for me in this..

The first two lines for example...

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain

I would of gone more

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
The wind blew away parts of me that i didn't believe remained

But I suppose thats just me, for me that just rolls of the tounge alot better...

The rest of it was pretty solid but that whole first bit needs some more complexity to the rhyme scheme and more multis. Was way too simple in approach for me...and just didnt read well.

BUt that last half was a nice read, some fire in there, keep writing.

[IamBenT]

Man this is hotness. The only thing I would look to change is some of the verbs to improve flow and give it more
action.

This is something I am playing with/improving as well and its a process, to make your writing more muscular.

for example -

"I'm just following the path", to just Follow the Path

"staining this house"... to just Stain that shit.

not all verbs would need this just a few could make a marked difference.

This is a really dope piece.

[Just Write]

this was pretty ill. you have a good grasp on putting a picture in someones head, i didnt like the force of packaged/blanket line in the beggining but it happens.

I can’t tread the slightest distance without suffering a fireMy life’s been a wick dipped in kerosene, unraveling for a lighterSo I press these needles into veins that look like streets on a mapThey pinpoint me along a road trip, I’m just following the path

i thought this was fire..

I muster up - half a grin - at the irony of the predicamentThey say life isn’t for us to take, so I guess that this is petty theftCause I’m not worth half a cent, my networth is fraudulentThey gawk at my accomplishments, but that shit is all meaningless


felt this right here man..


the rest was nicely written, definitely got skill. thanks for the read, ill peep more if i see you drop it. stay up

[Sharon Peters]

you can tell that you aren't an American, by that I mean you are gay.