AOWL Week 9 Contendership: Red Glare (5-2) vs. Adonis (4-1) [RED GLARE WINS, 10-0.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/13 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/14 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/16 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC: THIS IS A SPLIT TOPIC. One will write a verse supporting an idea, and the other will write a verse supporting an opposing idea.


Red glare - Optimism
Adonis - Pessimism

Good luck to both participants.

[Adonis]

I'm pessimistic Glare can win?

[Split]

What up...so what idea are going off glare?

Spit balling...

Religion/fuck religion
Heaven/hell
@ work so can't think a shit. Will spit ball more or you can create on. I don't give a fuck.

Expecting BOTW regardless
lol. both of you can do whatever take you want, fyi, so long as it encompasses your side of the topic..

[Red glare]

I think I can I think I can...............

[Adonis]

Topic: Pessimism.
Title: The ultimate triumph of evil over good



I'm currently caught in conscious bullshit,
A commoner constantly optimistic.
Weaving webs in a caustic vision,
Twisting threads cautiously out of diction,
Creating chronicles of conversation,
a clear path skewed by circumscription...
A lineal verse –
Jagged, with optic schisms,
A mind imprisoned, bending light, blinding prisms,
Enshrining dark, but the bulb sparks satire...
Garments soaked in Fat Tire, a soul exuding sapphire,
I wear fatigue as attire – Camouflaged emotions,
My inside immersed; guzzling my synagogue by oceans...

A league of extraordinary wants and needs,
I'm so confused, a sober mind taunts and pleads,
But I'm so consumed, only never by a pew on knee,
My hue glows deceit, immorally bingeing with no retreat,
Submerged in the lost and found; concealed receipt,
No return from the pilgrimage, but I recede,
Ironic because... The liquor increased,
The sky dive bends. The binge plunge repeats...

I lead a happy life, no holy guidelines,
Only two prints in the sand as I struggle straight lines,
I may have black balled my wife, maybe mumbled hate crimes,
But never stumbled so low as to berate and patronize,
I'm young and recognize the pearly gate's disguise,
I despise Satan's kind, and the narrow path just ain't mine.

So I lead a happy life, no holy light to shine,
Sipping liquor til the liver quivers un-primed,
I designed MY life; I'm happy despite,
Scarred tissue being killer, but I'm fine inside,
It's funny... They say, there's no good in evil,
Yet my demons... They make me happy and peaceful.

[Red glare]

Indicate the degree to which each of the items represents your feelings according to the following code.
1=strongly agree
2=agree
3=neutral
4=disagree
5=strongly disagree

I'm always optimistic about my future.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

In uncertain times, I usually expect the best.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I always look on the bright side of things.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

If something can go wrong for me, it will.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

It's easy for me to relax.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I hardly ever expect things to go my way.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I enjoy my friends a lot.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

It's important for me to keep busy.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I rarely count on good things happening to me.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I'm a believer in the idea that "every cloud has a silver lining."
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

I don't get upset too easily.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree

Things never work out the way I want them to.
strongly agree 1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree


Your LOT score you get is:12 .

You are very pessimistic


E.M.T's rushed out of the ambulance - fearlessly helpful -
You could see adrenaline running like mascara smearingly sentimental.
The emergency bag carrying the essentials - to the scene of the accident, hair-tearingly eventful.
A flipped vehicle, spilling, gasoline like tears of the devil.
The driver behind the Kia Sorento is clearly disheveled; wearily mellow -
For having flipped over the median - getting ejected - and clearing a fence pole.
A first time father. A bad experience from the get go.
The responsibility memo sailed into his window
Sincerely, The Threshold.
His wife couldn't get pregnant; called him hysterically with Hello!?
''Estamos teniendo un muchacho del bebé!!!!''
"Oh hell no"
Who was in his home, in his lair -
'Esta muerto!'
Most of the time he wasn't there; working indispensable schedules.
Plans of becoming parents hatched like herring-deep cesspools.
Tiringly trying to swim upstream - being speared unsuccessful..
Beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beeer
Veering revengeful.
Steering suspenseful.
The rear view mirror rewinded his future;
Merely mementos.
The red moon of death looms.
Blood shot eyes in flashlights appear regretful.
The E.M.T sorts enthusiastically through gauze and sheers utensils;
Reminding you to remain calm as sirens caringly echo;
A dull glaze leeringly gentle... Looking into a sky clearly judgmental
The light at the end of the tunnel, peering at you daringly detrimental
His wife had giving birth to a conspiracy named Celestial
The hospital staff cheered; but she wondered why her husband isn't here; her Angelo.
..
The driver of the Lincoln Continental is pulled from the wreckage by his elbow
The medical team; hovers over him like angels; his halo - lumineeringly special.
Sterile scissors cut the clothes from his spirits impenetrable force field of ventricles and skeletal bones.
The barricade holds back the crowd; jeering; engrossed.
The driver of the Continental is asked by God 'What he feels in his soul;
..
He tells him;
'the driver of the Kia Sorento is in need of serious hope'

His wife is in the hospital; in tears; in console.

The baby was born 9 pounds - 3 ounces; healthy as the white-tailed deers in the grove."
...
"Angelo; we need to know if you have any sensation near your toes"
..
''So what'll it be''
God said, domineeringly so...
..
The driver of the Lincoln Continental; saw the situation - answering slow...
..
"Use my good karma as Clearance of the driver of the Kia Sorento...."
..
The phone rang in cresendo: his wife answered: expecting good news;cherished aglow
Seeing the world through her rose colored glasses; she prepared a ear for his tone.
..
"Maria your husband has been in a car accident; he is irreparably whole -
It is a miracle he's even alive - But he's hanging in there..."
..
"Angelo...
..
Angelo Count your blessings... bro you're going home to see Celestial!"
..
Optimism is a person becoming paralyzed from the waist down realizing that he still has the hands to hold his embryo.


How optimistic are you?

[Zen]

.....Wow. Good fuckin battle.
Adonis: Good verse but I've seen better from you honestly. The content of this just didn't appeal to me that's not a diss obviously but the mechanics on the other hand were vintage Adonis. The content could have been much better though imo.
Red glare: I think this could easily be VOTW forreal. The ending finished the story up and made me sit back and think. GREAT verse here. Mechanics were solid from you as always but the content of this was top notch. One of my favorite verses I've seen all year.

Ok all in all I began thinking that maybe Adonis' verse wasn't as boring as I made it seem and that it only seemed that way in comparison to Red glare's verse because RG brought an epic. Vote RG

[Just Write]

ok im just going to jump right into this,

adonis, a narrative fast paced rapid fire verse with i gotta admit some outstanding vocabulary. my only problem is that it didnt have that spark I was looking for, it was very well written don't get me wrong but i like something to bite onto. a lot of pieces have that one thing that sets them apart whether it be emotion, fluidity, content ect.. I havent seen a lot from you but I can already say ive read better, no hate man just wasnt feelin this one.


RG, this was very well thought out and executed, I was very weary about how you structured your verse when i just glanced at first but it read of very well and was actually a really good story. got chills at the end man, sorry for the lack of breaking down each verse but to me it was a more clear cut decision (this week). I did enjoy both people for the respectable reasons just one outshined the other as in every battle mvgt:RG

[Xces]

Humm...

Adonis - I feel as though you haven't come as hard here as you could have, and should have given the opponent. You have good vocabulary use through out, but it feels distant and like it wasn't written from the heart. The piece overall just doesn't feel like you were invested in it, and it shows. Lastly I'm not sure what oyu meant by "guzzling my synagogue." As the only way I know the term used is in reference to Jewish religious gathering places. Not something consumable. Unless I missed something.

RG - The piece is strong but I feel that the repetition of "Kia Sorento" and "Celestial" kill the flow as it rolls through, I understand the importance of relaying the story accurately well also maintaining the flow but repetition in quick succession can quickly kill the vibe of a piece. Luckily it didn't here. The piece tells a good story and draws a conclusion questioning the emotional value of the reader. Which is a depth your opponent lacked this week.

Over-All I must say you are both capable of more then what was presented this week, in my opinion. Red could have found different wording to relay the same message without falling back upon repetition the way he did, and Adonis could have invested himself emotionally in his writing which would have drawn a far stronger piece from his mind.

Vote/ RedGlare

Emotion is hard to relay through text, and it is shown here quiet well despite the issues I have with it.

[Cereal_Killa]

Adonis:

I love when you twist shit up.. I mean you never drop a traditional twist when you’re coming at a verse with a message, that is outside your everyday belief.. what you do, is what all great writers do.. you put your personal feelings and alter them to fit this new belief whole heartily.. And it shows, you defiantly became this character proud of their dark nature, they need to feed off it to survive.. I love that.. I think we all have this inside of us but you came at this like you've purged out "complete conviction".. it was beautiful.. Oh yeh the wording Woahuh, shit I was highlighting lines to quote in this vote but then by the end I was flooding the post :)
Fav line though:
“I may have black balled my wife, maybe mumbled hate crimes”
It was kinda cute but badarse at the same time..

Red:

Oh man this was tight.. The fallen angel still had the strength to reach the stars.. Tis was oober cool.. What your best at is your subtle references that tell the real story underneath the mask, which I love.. completely.. Your structure high tech and your vocab strong.. Umm intro ok look buddy :) so lacing each broken bar with the internal emotion of the character was insane.. I aint even gonna play on that.. and the flip on how pessmistict he is during the conflict.. and then once the conclusion hit there was 100% proof of his optimism.. COOOWWLL dude loves it..

Vote = red glare

Man this battle was fucken insane.. my mind was swaying who to vote for, so I had to really knuckle down n dig deep for your verses.. Its like Adonis has a poetic verse with a natural voice that speaks direct to you of his pain.. where red has a multi layered story of epic proportions.. And this as is every match up to opinion but got dang it is tough.. Red Glare straight up I will always sway in the end to something where the longer I look at it the more layers I peel back.. so I went the redman.. crazy arse match.. I need a smoke.. g/l guys

[Soulstice]

adonis - ok well bullshit could be substituted for a word with more substance and meaning. i recently wrote that the opener and closer are the two most important lines in a piece, as they tie everything together and open everything up (obviously) but it is a writers chance to do it in a brief, opetic, manner and truly showcase writing ability. your ending was cerebral and clever though. who doesnt like taking a drink to relax, or indulging in whatever vice it may be that gets you through the day. the portrait of the psyche and the slight narrative of the descent combined two supposedly done concepts to make it a bit more personal and original, however i dont ever think the duality of angels and demons will ever be truly "played". its simply to inherent. mechanicswise, something about your syllable count between multi rhymes seems off to me. every now and then it stutters. sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt and here it sort of tripped me up a bit. mechanical critique falls by the wayside here but in a battle it almost always give you the edge (somewhat been giving feed regarding the actual battle aspect of a battle rather than taking two pieces for what they are also seems taboo/not really done, but hey, i appreciate some tight mechanics and flow a la sacrifice/3pa/blacketh.. the list goes on). anyways, made a split decision to vote on this battle before i leave, and its a piece im glad i read before i head out.

red glare - certainly a good way to set it off. something thats brutally underutilizted is the use of non rhyme story progression and origin. it gives a whole lot of background/plot when you are writing in a limited space and may very well draw out the piece if you rhyme the whole story.this way, the pessimism was already noted in our charcter. the optimism at the end showed change in the character, nd of course discovering the value of human life in a child he helped conceived fueled him to this development, and the personification of things like optimism, god (kind of a character but more of a plot device in this), and the peering light at the end of the tunnel (well done there) were the engine to this piece. dialogue was good, but sometimes your wording is off and it requires a suspension of critique to truly enjoy it, because sometimes im left scratching my head. sheers utensils, indespensible schedules, some other slightly off bits. hey we all arent perfect but it seems to be a recurring theme in your pieces. while i think you are a fantastic writer and of course this helps your flow, if this one aspect was to be improved upon you would be launched into another echelon of topicality entirely.

v- red glare for what boiled down to story telling ability. and enjoyment

[veritas]

I got red glare. The ending of this verse was said perfect and this line was epic:
The medical team; hovers over him like angels; his halo - lumineeringly special.
Sterile scissors cut the clothes from his spirits impenetrable force field of ventricles and skeletal bones.

excellent! Adonis aint no slouch, and red glare just came on a whole nother level of descriptive and verbose epicness.

[Split]

RG. Okay, flow wise this was pretty good.. I think I'm reading pieces too critically. There are spots where this didnt quite string together and some where it really got rolling for a handful of lines. It "worked" everywhere. Not being sarcastic lol just noting that a piece doesn't have t come together on some otherworldly shit to sound right.
Some of your phrasing is painful. Not wording, like as a sentence and even coherent blocks of text your verse comes together well, but your poetic license is needlessly brandished at a lot of checkpoints here.
Ex:
Peering at you daringly detrimental
Speared unsuccessful
Domineeringly so
I feel like in these places you're poetically expressing yourself when there is a more succinct way to say it in English. As you play with your rhyme schemes and master transitions (which I think is the weakest part of your mechanics) it'll be easier for you to sort thru words and have more selectively natural diction.
Your verse is also metaphysically clunky. To use Adonis as a convenient reference point, his metaphors etc take place of a large chunk of text and make his writing sharper and more directed. It's in your best interests to word things as elegantly as possible, basically. And this piece was lacking that, while showing signs of your capacity to do so in your comfort w/ unorthodox wording.

Adonis.
Ok, your piece was a lot harder to digest than RG's. really went ham with the figurative language. The ending was supreme. A cool little exposé perhaps on your own life? While there wasn't much room for character development, you went the route of describing a feeling, a state/ set of emotions- that definitely (as a method) appeals to me. I haven't read other people's votes out of general voting principles, but I feel like typically this descriptive piece never grabs votes.. Idk, pisses me off

This was a cool clash. Both sides portrayed their half of the topic as the superior side. Red Glare's ambitious wording, deep-running plot (and subplot) and superior store presents a strong case for optimism..
The belief in extenuating circumstances, the contrast between the characters of Angelo and NamelessWife1 and their views on life, aided by effective use of secondary characters, all made a good case for the powers of optimism (and against absurdism) that was muddled by still developing style and execution

Adonis' short, poignant piece made for a cool vignette of a life where evil triumphed over good, and belief in the worst of himself made a sort of ambitious, sickeningly self-justified self-loathing that's weakened by superficial storytelling- especially compared to the grand efforts of his opponent

I think if Adonis had came full tilt he could've taken this. Red Glare gets my vote

[King Ra.]

This battle was pretty dope. Adonis, a mechanically flawless verse, you were really on point, very well written, very strong word choice & a soft poetic-like scheme- at least that's how I call it. The story was very, very good. From the start to the end, you did a great job in presenting your side of the topic in a very different way than what most would present it. And as I mentioned before, your careful selection of words to paint a picture & really drive your story is one of the best I've seen. On the other side of things, Red, what the fuck do take? Your story is probably one of the best ones of the season thus far. You had everything that a great story needs. The way you were able to tie in the topic is just as more impressive. While, your piece wasn't written as cleanly as your opponent, but the story itself held much weight. Adonis' verse would win over most of the pieces this week, but I feel that what RG put together was good enough to get my vote.

MVGT: Red glare.

[patrown]

Adonis – I relate to this, quite a bit. The malady is very familiar to me.. scarred liver,” inside im fine.”
My demons allow me to be sane... I don’t know many others who could understand that. Golden piece.Great imagery. I don’t think you could’ve made an excuse for the ever-replenished glass of beer sitting next to my double hennessee.. any better than you did today.
Red glare- kicked fucking ass. Yah so, im paralyzed from the waist down.. but HEY! My hands can still hold the child I couldn’t father myself. WOO! Right? Right. I agree. On this occasion, in this instance, perhaps.. it couldn’t hurt to be optimistic.
/v red glare- he nailed his topic a little bit more. Although honestly.. I really did like your verse Adonis. I just feel like..you couldn’t help but be optimistic here. I wanted more negativity. Cheers anyways.

[TYSON]

Vote RED GLARE..
Both pieces were phenomenal but red glare piece had more impact. Emotion, imagery, and just wow. Adonis came with it but I am a story guy and RG had an gripping story that complimented the topic perfectly.

[King Ra.]

RED GLARE WINS, 10-0.