AOWL Week 9: Innovator (3-5) vs. Ink (3-2) [INNOVATOR WINS, 6-2.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/13 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/14 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/16 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC: THIS IS A SPLIT TOPIC. One will write a verse supporting an idea, and the other will write a verse supporting an opposing idea.

Innovator -Magic
Ink -science


Good luck to both participants.

[Inno]

Fantasy will lead me to reality

[Ink]

lets do this!
checkk

[Inno]

Ext. Pls?

[Ink]

sure

[Inno]

A sea of grandeur brings shores of dreams captured
A current lost in itself tangled within its legs; its rapture
The innocence in the sparkle of a child’s optics
It’s a monocle view peeking into the tunnel of logic
And seeing what fits and what needs to be discarded
The heart is never guarded, always open to the possible
A sure thing started from something illogical, it’s almost comical
And the men in white suits claim you irrational
Because you see beyond the factual transcending what is actual

“come one come all to the show that leaves you in awe
Get lost in our fantasy; find your reality within these walls.
Your imaginations is all that is needed
To find the truth if you truly seek it
i can speak it i can read it, its all around you can you feel it?
the feeling is, the world is bleeding over advances whe never needed
so come seek inspiration from entertainting lies
never forget the the world is found through magic's eyes”

here the stones talk the steps they swallow
the walls echo dreams while the ceilings soar hollow
fact subject to change, the truth hovers in the shadows
while elephants walk empty footprints on stage
logic says that’s impossible but that’s exactly the stakes
breaking the given with what you perceive as unseen
reality is illusion cemented as a truth you never conceived

[Ink]

Of Birds and Flight

A disheveled man, Rick's beard was more of a bib
NASA rocket scientist, days often spent with kids
Our teacher had us in a circle, starry eyes gazing in
As Rick took minds to heights that life seldom inhabited
Today he brought an icebox, confessing a slow fog
Expectations, excited talk, breaths held as he walked
Then stopped - plopped down on a fold up chair
That complained of his weight, they fell on deaf ears
At this point, he'd say a joke about a birds nest
Our jaws hanging open, begging for insects
Our first morsel, a balloon of a pale blue hue
It writhes in his shaking hands, we "ooh" on cue

"Okay, kids, I'm going to blow this up, so just give me a second"
Siphoned surrounding air into plastic, rosy cheeks from exertion

He tied it's umbilical chord, held it out for all to witness
And opened the icebox, the fog makes an appearance
"When this ballon goes in the box, count 'til lift off!"
We chant from ten to one in a crescendo like Jo Brahms
He pulls it out of the icebox, holds out a shriveled thing
Wonder and amazement - the world starts trembling...?

"Richard, wake up! The boss is headed our way man"
"Stop shaking me..."
The dregs of sleep get erased by the back of my hand
Welcome to Jet Propulsion Labs, we build spacecrafts
It's diagrams, extensive math, and naps that never last
I punch away at keys, the boss gets my pearly whites
Certainly a far cry from my youth's envisioned life
But it's the path I chose after Rick's illusions broke
Exposed... nothing more than just mirrors and smoke
Dry ice, the chemistry, not much more than childs play
Basic science, less to do with tapping hats and canes
Solid state of CO2, sublimates in most rooms
And contracts oxygen 'til it's misread as C2
Thus the shrinking of the balloon, was more a science show
The arcane is not so, it's academic bravado
Behind every nest...
... An unimpressed man in white robes

[Zen]

Good battle.
Innovator: Loved your piece here this week. You really brought it this week I felt. I thought the center stanza was your strongest portion of your verse. It reminded me of The Beatles Magical Mystery Tour haha. But really you nailed this piece this week with your only problems being some misspelt words of course lol. Great piece though man.
Ink: To be honest man I don't know what to think about this. Others may say differently but to me this piece was boring and I don't mean to diss you of course but that's what I thought man. The ending after he's woken up at work was the best part and the ending capped it off well but the story at the beginning just didn't bring it for me.

Overall I got Innovator.

[Xces]

Innovator - I this you really stuck out and handled the topic you were given well an I agree with Zen in that your middle stanza was the strongest one in the piece.
lol an yea the misspelled words, but w.e shit happens, your name isn't Webster.

Ink - I like the way you explored a young minds interest in science being peaked through smoke an mirrors of a science teacher trying to make learning fun for his students. Then the realization of his choices later in life and how he had been fooled to believe it was all magic like that. I think your wording this week was a bit of a hold back and it pulled away from the piece despite the beautiful take of the topic.

This one was really hard, I think Inno has this on overall flow, but Ink had a lot more creative and original view of his topic.

V/ Innovator

Ink had a good piece but it felt drawn out because of poor wording in some places, which unfortunately drew away from the piece enough to out weight his creative depth within the piece.

[TYSON]

Innovator m- actually the best I've read from u. Good wording and liked the way u brightened up the topic. Thought there could of been more imaginary flare to it. Nah mean. Still good drop.

Ink I liked the story. Great concept but poor execution. Not that it didn't keep me interested but it didn't come together well. I was more interested in the first part of your piece. More exciting and then when he woke up it got dull. Which is what u was saying about his life after going the science route.

Got to go with V/innovator. Ink had a great concept but I think the ending of how his life got boring was boring.
Good battle tho.

[Juxtaposition]

Well I had a longer breakdown initially but there was an error or whatever and sent me back to the netcees screen so..

Vote Ink

It's funny because Inn had the topic of Magic, and the poetic language of his writing, cast a spell of substance. But to me it fizzled. I needed to enchanted and you just did some slight of hand.

I felt he had good word association and language flow, good rhyme patterns in the third, but besides 2 areas which actually had depth and vividness, I really feel it didn't say much about magic, more like talked about rhetoric. I don't feel you told a story or even went too much in depth with the topic.

I was also confused in the second stanza. It seemed like you are advocating us to view the world in a state of magical wonder, because we have been wounded by the tyranny of other pursuits, but then you go back on it, by saying

"so come seek inspiration from entertainting lies"

With that shot you are dismissing magic as lies..?

"It’s a monocle view peeking into the tunnel of logic
And seeing what fits and what needs to be discarded
The heart is never guarded, always open to the possible"

I was feeling that. I have a niece that's 5, sweet wise little girl, she loves everybody. I told her about goblins once, and every since occasionally she asks me with wide eyes if I've seen any goblins about. I have to reassure her that Goblins don't live near people, that they dwell in far away mountains, and then she nods her head like yeah I knew that okay lets go play now uncle.

Now Ink had interesting rhyme patterns, had more meat to his lines, meaning, they not only rhymed but they also; advance the story, created imagery, created mood, had wordplay, had humor, had imagery.

"A disheveled man, Rick's beard was more of a bib
NASA rocket scientist, days often spent with kids"

The wordplay irony imagery humor, with Rick's beard like a bib, but he spent time with the kids.

"At this point, he'd say a joke about a birds nest
Our jaws hanging open, begging for insects"

I'm not sure what to call this yet, it's like wordplay association I guess.
birds nest - jaws hanging open - begging for insects.

It gives life to the story, but creating that hunger of the students, but using clever wordplay to get your point across too.

I also felt you actually had something more to say then "Science is robots! It makes ships fly into the air! Science is chemical compounds!"

Technically stronger, more effective imagery and entertaining, creative, rhyme patterns, Ink had this down to a science for me.

[patrown]

innovator - i was getting into this until, "it's almost comical." at that point.. i lost you for a bit. to elevate yourself above actuality? so a fact exceeded or became superior to.. gained a heavenly disposition as opposed to.. reality? i am confused at that point.
i liked these lines in particular.
Your imaginations is all that is needed
To find the truth if you truly seek it
also liked how you worded, "here the stones talk the steps they swallow." reads good at face value and is a cool twist on old sayings like, "if these walls could only talk.."
overall, i think your use of imagery was your strong point here. good topical

ink - a day in the life of a rocket scientist. the brightest of intellects doing tricks for school field trips... there's a lot of underemployed educated people due to a lack of funding, and the bored character here personifies that problem perfectly. tapping hats and canes.. as if our scientists are more for show than of good use. i think that's what you were going for and if indeed it was i agree.
But it's the path I chose after Rick's illusions broke
the use of I here made me look back at "our teacher" to realize this is a rocket scientist from a childs perspective. "ooh" indeed. . good piece.
/v ink. i enjoyed this one a bit more. i think innovator would have benefited from a few grammar adjustments and a modification to the last bar of the first stanza enough to steer my vote his way.

[Just Write]

Innovator,

This was a nice piece bro, very elegant and and almost soft feel to it if you get what I mean, anyways it read off really smooth and it was well put together. my only real complaint is that I wish it was longer and a little more "magic" filled. some of my top lines

The heart is never guarded, always open to the possible
A sure thing started from something illogical, it’s almost comical
And the men in white suits claim you irrational
Because you see beyond the factual transcending what is actual

Your imaginations is all that is needed
To find the truth if you truly seek it
i can speak it i can read it, its all around you can you feel it?
the feeling is, the world is bleeding over advances whe never needed

here the stones talk the steps they swallow
the walls echo dreams while the ceilings soar hollow
fact subject to change, the truth hovers in the shadows
while elephants walk empty footprints on stage
logic says that’s impossible but that’s exactly the stakes
breaking the given with what you perceive as unseen
reality is illusion cemented as a truth you never conceived

Ink,

so as far as storytelling ability went I think you did a great job but I feel like you forced a lot of words in this piece and I know ive read better from you in your past weeks battles. again, loved the story but i mean if if doesn't rhyme to me its like that i get that awkward feeling when reading it. some of my favorites

Today he brought an icebox, confessing a slow fog
Expectations, excited talk, breaths held as he walked
Then stopped - plopped down on a fold up chair
That complained of his weight, they fell on deaf ears
At this point, he'd say a joke about a birds nest
Our jaws hanging open, begging for insects


Richard, wake up! The boss is headed our way man"
"Stop shaking me..."
The dregs of sleep get erased by the back of my hand
Welcome to Jet Propulsion Labs, we build spacecrafts
It's diagrams, extensive math, and naps that never last
I punch away at keys, the boss gets my pearly whites
Certainly a far cry from my youth's envisioned life


Exposed... nothing more than just mirrors and smoke
Dry ice, the chemistry, not much more than childs play
Basic science, less to do with tapping hats and canes
Solid state of CO2, sublimates in most rooms
And contracts oxygen 'til it's misread as C2

damn every battle ive voted on tonight has been a really hard decision and has ultimately came down to personal preference and this is no different. My first thought was ink but after further review on both pieces im going to have to go with Inno for IMO a more polished and collected piece. good job fellaz

[Objective]

Innovator: Truly enjoyed your piece. You painted the picture of what magic is extremely well. It was beautiful and crafted well and made me smile a bit from time to time. The men in white suits etc., funny shit. I loved the approach you took, the mechanics was there and the flow was smooth. Kinda expected wizardry shit but instead you delved into the mind of human beings, well done.

Ink: It was a cool verse but kinda depressing. I loved reading about the kids in class shit and it would have been cool to read more about it. Personally I'd like the ''science is cool, I love it, and this is why and where I'm at now'' with more positivity to it. Could have kept it going but instead it was just a man in a white dress doing more or less basic shit in some expensive lab that builds spacecrafts. Personal preferences aside it's a dope verse, the storytelling ability is there, the flow is decent and overall a solid piece with minor gaps here and there in the rhymescheme that I think you're aware of as well.

Vote - Close battle and I enjoyed reading them both allthough my feed for Ink might have stated otherwise. Either way, final vote goes to Innovator.

[King Ra.]

Wow, pretty shocked here. At first glance, after reading Vator's verse I was wondering would it be able to hold up against Ink, who is a much more polished writer. Vator, great little piece of work here this week. You did a nice job of taking your side of the topic & putting together a simple, but yet interesting piece. Aside from the usual spelling mistakes you make, which I will say, you need to really fix that in the long run, I liked the way you used a good scheme & good word choice to bring some life into your story. Now, I will say that I didn't like the way in ended, because it left me wanting more- to finish it off much better. You should write a bit more especially when you may go against full blown stories. Overall, good job. Ink, I'm pretty surprised man. I'll tell you this, the beginning part down to the world trembling, was pretty cool. But what happened after definitely left me scratching my head afterwards. It's as if your story completely switched up- now it would have worked more than likely if you were able to transition to it that switch much better, but that last stanza really brought down your piece because I felt you were rolling at the beginning. Your writing was pretty on point for the most part, but what hurts you here is that sudden switch at the end of your story.

MVGT: Innovator.

[King Ra.]

INNOVATOR WINS, 6-2.