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fenix osiris
04-14-2013, 12:10 AM
American History X
by trajik

he was president of a land considered to be heaven sent
the initial leader long before pension cheques and credit checks
newly conquered settlement in which slavery was prevalent
it was believed there was evidence to caucasian eminence
the slaves not in the cotton fields were tied and knotted together
in squatted positions, hot or cold they were caught in the weather
if they got hungry they were brought a single rotten apricot
he sought out to fill his teapot then they became an afterthought
plotting the constitution but a spill created an inkblot
his anger built up like a blood clot, whilst debating gunshots
frustrations were taken out on the negros who weren't jamaican
forsaken but thinking they're awakened shaken you're mistaken

physical - not violent, quietly guiding one he'd confide in
to an invisible room where two of them could hide in silence
she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
invading her shady regions but he treated her ladylike
never behaved in degrading ways during escapades at night
he'd include food, she chewed it up before the nude fun ensued
exuding a good attitude, she expressed her gratitude
she was easily wooed and enjoyed when their groins were enjoined in lust
devoid of noise, within her moist loins his soldiers deployed in thrusts

spring always brings life, and she'd sing to her newest offspring
from the fling with her king but knew she couldn't say anything
it would sting knowing everything must remain a mystery
because the time they spent aligned would be detained in history
he had lighter skin but no one seemed even slightly suspicious
she prayed with all her might, focusing all of her nightly wishes
hoping he'd find a better life, free of plight and the need to fight
feeling like he's destined for greatness because he was seeded right
in between the lights and shadows, she was able to escape
the fate before it could claim her baby, the fables of this great
land up north, they say slavery's hard but finding freedom's harder
and of course her son would become known as george washington carver



will return all feedback.

Zen
04-14-2013, 12:58 PM
she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
^^My favorite lines in the whole verse. The wording here especially in the debonair line was crisp. Very nice.

The first stanza tbh I didn't enjoy too much. There was nothing wrong with it in terms of mechanics but I think it was a little boring imo. But the second stanza and the third stanza were quite enjoyable. That's when the story finally began to take hold and ended with the birth of GWC. Nice touch although I thought it might end with a famous person being born after reading about the affair lol. But really this is a good verse and I enjoyed it. Keep droppin holmes.

fenix osiris
04-14-2013, 08:48 PM
she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
^^My favorite lines in the whole verse. The wording here especially in the debonair line was crisp. Very nice.

The first stanza tbh I didn't enjoy too much. There was nothing wrong with it in terms of mechanics but I think it was a little boring imo. But the second stanza and the third stanza were quite enjoyable. That's when the story finally began to take hold and ended with the birth of GWC. Nice touch although I thought it might end with a famous person being born after reading about the affair lol. But really this is a good verse and I enjoyed it. Keep droppin holmes.
thanks dude, link me to a piece and i'll feed it.

also, did you know george washington carver invented peanutbutter? i'd consider him to be famous for that... lol

Zen
04-15-2013, 11:03 AM
thanks dude, link me to a piece and i'll feed it.

also, did you know george washington carver invented peanutbutter? i'd consider him to be famous for that... lol
Haha that's the only thing I know he invented though he supposed to have invented allot more.
And here's my piece you can feed when you get the chance.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5768-ZenLand-Part-II

fenix osiris
04-15-2013, 11:52 AM
Haha that's the only thing I know he invented though he supposed to have invented allot more.
And here's my piece you can feed when you get the chance.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5768-ZenLand-Part-II

cool man i plan to get that sooner than later dude. voting in a league before i work today. possibly after work, looking forward to reading it.