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View Full Version : Week 2: Just Write (1-0) vs. El Pancake (1-0) \\ Just Write wins 9-1


Certain
03-03-2014, 03:37 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"I never said I would stay to the end." — Robert Smith


Good luck, Just Write and El Pancake.

Just Write
03-08-2014, 12:35 AM
"I never said I would stay to the end"

I've been Tommy's friend for a long time, I still remember the day we met.
I thought his imagination was amazing as I saw him playing along his steps
First, he was King Arthur, "The Dragon Slayer", wielding the Sword of Avalon
Then out of nowhere Yoda, mimicking light sabers, Darth Vader and a padawon
From that day on i knew we were destined to be the greatest of friends,
So I walked up to him and introduced myself, a simple "Hi, my name is Glenn."
He didn't know it then, but our friendship was essential to his growth,
I was going to show this timid kid how to let hit limitless potential be exposed
He seemed a little shy, awkwardly pushing his glasses up his nose
Smiling he said, "Hi, my name is Tommy, if you like, you can play with one of those"
He pointed to some G.I. Joe's that were laying off to the side
He said that was the graveyard for the Cobra Commander's who already died.
His eyes showed this look of pride as he revealed his collection of toys
(You know.. that look you can only get when you feel exceptional joy)
He had a soft spoken voice, even for an adolescent youth
Almost as if he had been through some sort of aggressive abuse.




I didn't go to his school, so during those hours he was often alone
He didn't have many friends, so everyday at 3:30 I'd walk with him home.
We'd play for hours in his driveway til his mother would call
I never went into his house, i didn't want to get too involved.
He'd talk to her endlessly, about the adventures we had
She was the only one in his life, since being abandoned by his dad.
Whenever he asked her about it, she would say, "Tommy, it was for the best"
He was three when it happened, now on the verge of being ten.
In that respect, it's probably the reason he felt neglected and worthless
A "geek" to the crowd, shunned, but honestly nobody's perfect.
he didn't deserve it, but was treated horribly; his confidence shattered.
it drove him into this state of depression, til his emotions were fractured.
I tried to help him expand his conscience and cope with these matters
Of being a nobody, to a state of dominance & prominent stature.
over the next few years i talked him into doing many things...
I had faith & knew he could handle it
Even talked him into signing up in his class as a presidential candidate




He lost by 2 votes, though you'd never know by the way his confidence rose
He shook everybody's hand in the crowd, then made a comical pose
That day he gained a friend or two, and learned a valuable lesson
Hard work and determination can lead to success & progression.
Over the next few months we didn't hang out as much, but i didn't mind
He was busy making new friends. But when he wanted, I'd always make time.
He'd tell me about how he went to the movies, or go camping in the park
And i'd joke with him, saying, "and to think you use to be afraid of the dark"
I could see that spark in his eyes beginning to shine..
Telling me that our relationship was right on time to start it's decline.
Before me stood a new Tommy, social, refined. Glowing with pride
For the first time in his life he wasn't coiled in a corner, trying to hide.
I never revealed the truth to him, still to this day i don't know why
Maybe it was the look on his face that day i met him. Such sorrow inside.
I decided a goodbye was best, told him my family was going to move
promised to "keep in touch", but we all know that line is never true
Maybe you've needed me too, I have no beginning or end
I just wander around..
...looking for the next child in need of an imaginary friend.

PancakeBrah
03-08-2014, 01:10 AM
2071 Reality TV

What’s your favorite form of alchemy?
The zeitgeist answered; Instead of rock to gold, or the erasing of plights,
they turned our base thoughts into life.
Or more ‘factually’, they mapped the DNA curve analyses
to the point that you could predict personalities
accurately. And with a large enough sample size pulled,
interacting in their model, of a randomized pool,
they could project natural patterns of behavior
once it was discovered that every action was from nature,
as opposed to nurture. So through algorithms and exhaustive methods,
they could map an entire life. From a businessman, to a nun, to a narcoleptic.
It was a troubling coin to flip, knowing the future’s path,
but curiosity kills the cat, or rather tells it how it’ll die, using math.
The company was called ‘Prescient Visions’,
and it was advertised they had close to ten percent precision.
Moore’s Law, with a splash of the Truman Show
lead to the ‘best’ reality TV. The episodes of human growth.

-

The fucking red line.

After in-processing and signing forms in triplicate,
and getting through the line (“the horde of idiots”)
David reached the counter. He was assigned Viewing Pod A
and was chauffeured to a pitch black room of parquet
with a single recliner and screen zoomed all the way.
“Enjoy the show” the chauffeur remarked, closing the door
and as David sat down the ‘film’ flickered on.

He had heard stories. Stories of people who wept at the light,
crying at the joy or the loss of suspense in the rest of their life.
Of children being born, of heartfelt good byes,
and of successes. Or being caught in a lie.
A sense of loss, replaced by a positive vibe
in acquiescing to a loss of control of their lives.
David? All David felt was his confidence die
because no one told him about that fucking red line,
tracking the time of the film.
His read thirty seconds. The shock in his eyes,
as it pictured him in the room. “Fuck this.”
He couldn’t stay to the end, watching a ‘lie’.
He ran out of the room with odds to defy
and as he stormed out the front door,
a cut-off car swerved, avoiding the one parked on the side,
striking David with enough speed to knock him down,
hitting his head on the concrete. At rest in the spot he would die.

The End.

timeless
03-08-2014, 08:38 AM
JW, this was a dope story all around that was well told, and with minimal filler. Only things Id have to get on you about would be your basic display of rhyme schemes for the most part, and just felt there could’ve been more suspense, particularly in the middle verse, that would lead up to the end. But that’s just me nitpicking shit. This was dope man I enjoyed it a lot.

EP, if this were a battle of concepts, you would have it hands down. I loved the horror type of emotion in the end, but I just wish it was all displayed better. Seems you rushed it a little. Flow was adrift at times, but overall not bad.

This is a close one for me. I originally had JW, then a second read I got Pancake. Pancake had a great mix of comedy/horror in his verse, horror might not be the right word to describe it but it’ll do. Just Write never bored me, his story was on point. Whereas, Pancake did bore me, until the last verse that is. Pancake had the creativity, but I have to give it to JW for being more of an enjoyable story to read.

v. Just Write

oats
03-09-2014, 12:39 AM
Just Write: all right, so I thought this was a super dope concept. at first read through, I had a handful of predictions of how the verse/relationship would conclude, but I must say that was not even remotely close to anything I thought. great angle, great twist, and you pulled it off with your writing, towing the line of subtlety nicely. good shit, I really enjoyed it.

I think what really made this work though is the writing itself; there’s a deli***y to your wording that allows you to pull off these characters on a real level without feeling cliche. What I mean is, this could have easily seemed really plain and generic: kid comes from broken home, gets bullied, has no friends, meets a friend, conquers insecurities, yay! But even before I knew it was an imaginary friend, I never felt like this was going to be that. In the hands of a lesser writer, it probably would have. I like that you kept the abuse at arm’s length. It was peripheral enough for me to psychoanalyze who/what the imaginary friend really was, without intruding on the tone of the piece.

If there’s anything I can critique it’s that the rhyming wasn’t terribly impressive, and that some places seemed a little clunky in terms of syllable count and wording. But both of those are pretty minor gripes in the big picture. Really strong verse.


Cake: You build an atmosphere of the future well. Your writing projects that vibe of cool machinery and quick response wit, if any of that makes sense. It puts me into the setting in an Orwellian/Bradbury kind of way, it was very well done.

I think that strong atmosphere and setting hurt you in a way though, because half of this verse was basically a background to suspend our disbelief for the ensuing scene. It made it feel a bit disjointed. Even though the first section was absolutely necessary for the success of the verse, it wasn’t immediately a part of that action, and being a substantial part of your verse it didn’t leave you much breathing room to develop a good character or a novel angle.

That was the largest hole in the verse to me - the character was flat, I didn’t have any reason to care about what happened to him, and the conclusion was a little predictable. The elements of a dope verse were all there, but they didn’t quite come together on a couple levels.


Vote: I was fully expecting Cake to take this tbh, thought both were similar writers with Cake being the more polished of the two, but Write came out all cylinders firing. Definitely VOTW contender off the bat. Just Write on his A-game.

patrown
03-09-2014, 02:13 PM
just write - you could have reworded "I had faith & knew he could handle it." and "I have no beginning or end," was an obvious tone setter that I was comfortable with. but it stuck out to me a little. that's all i can criticize. i was happy for Tommy though. freal. good for him. especially liked this passage.

He pointed to some G.I. Joe's that were laying off to the side
He said that was the graveyard for the Cobra Commander's who already died.

i used to do that when i was a kid. dead bad guy piles. cobra commander* ones. I ran for class
president too. i won, but i still related. and it had a similar effect on my self confidence. this is a little wierd. anyway, you killed the topic. great fucking piece.

el pancake - liked the offbeat flow/subject matter of this piece. very original. cool ending, was satisfied with that. especially enjoyed this

It was a troubling coin to flip, knowing the future’s path,
but curiosity kills the cat, or rather tells it how it’ll die, using math.

clever way to introduce your twist concept. although it's rather simple, it was effective. i'm left feeling a little empty handed in the end, and i'm pretty sure it's your layout. i felt a little rushed in the beginning, got used to it, and as a result.. felt empty handed in the end.

/v just write - his story's twist was more of a surprise when it hit. didn't see it coming.. also enjoyed the meat of his piece a little more. .

Pinot Grij
03-09-2014, 02:35 PM
Just Write, this verse blew me away. Heartfelt, emotional and relatable. Rhymed well, couplet format and more simplistic scheme kept the pace moving... I was enveloped by the story and the finale was outstanding... this verse showed a lot of maturity as a writer. If I can critique something, I would say that some of the word choice was a little lofty for a story about a 10 year old... maybe having the diction meet the subject matter a little better in places would've made more of an impact.. but that's just minor stuff, and the fact that it was an imaginary friend kind of negates that criticism anyways since it wasn't a child narrating as I felt it was throughout the verse.

Pancake.. this was a really cool piece.. I had to read a second time to really let it soak in.. but it was a mix of Total Recall and Clockwork Orange for me... the concept is really sophisticated, watching out the rest of your life on screen and the turn at the end is the big kicker... the suggestion of the corporation having some kind of nefarious responsibility in his death. The piece leaves you with the threat, as with most dystopian storytelling, that there is always a sinister side to allowing technology to take over our lives.

I really like the sophistication of Pancake's verse, and I think any other week its a surefire winning verse but Just Write really killed it with the emotion in his verse. It hit home a lot harder. Great battle.

Vote - Just Write

zygote
03-09-2014, 11:22 PM
Enjoyed PancakeBrah's futuristic dystopia a lot. The key to its effectiveness as a universe was keeping all the language consistent and focusing on the strange details. It was like a bit of the minority report crossed with the zany world of Total Recall. The specific use of things like Viewing Pod A (inferring rows and rows of 'Viewing Pods' mass-consumer style) and the bureaucratic culture ('forms in triplicate') was great for building the scene. Just Write had a good story with a classical character development, one of growth in both self-effi***y and self-esteem, the main protagonist (child) both learning to respect themselves through some work, and escapism from difficult life circumstances. The fantasy element did not perhaps work, didn't like contributing the success of the protagonist to the 'imaginary friend.' The last line is either literal 'imaginary friend' or its an abstract thing supposed to represent something that I missed. Voting for PB.

Objective
03-10-2014, 01:04 AM
Just Write - First verse; allright. Nothing too exceptional in terms of rhymes, but allright. Decent introduction to the characters in the story, but you there were quite a lot of sentences that started with ''he'' which got a little bit repetitive towards the end. Beside of that it was cool enough.

Second verse abit better in terms of the ''he''-thing. Some lines are little bit long but can easily be fixed with certain adjustments like this:

''He'd talk to her endlessly, about the adventures we had.
She was the only one in his life, since being left by his dad.''
^ The second line here reads more fluently flow-wise as opposed to;
''She was the only one in his life, since being abandoned by his dad.''
I'd advice counting the syllables and do minor adjustments to try to get them closer to eachother. It helps the flow tremendously.
Same thing goes for this line;
Whenever he asked her about it, she would say, "Tommy, it was for the best"
Now look at this example;
When he asked about it, she'd say; "Tommy, it was for the best"
Basicly what I'm getting at is; Try not to stretch your lines if you can help it somehow. Less is more etc.

As far as the story goes it's allright. Nothing that really engages me too much, but it's cool nonetheless. The progression is good, but I'm still looking for somewhat of a climax that really drives me into the story itself as it's rather bland to me. Something out of the norm, but we'll see how the third verse comes along.

Allright, cool, the story is decent. And the closure; NICE! Kinda what I was looking for earlier, and to be honest I didn't think it would come. But you pulled it off. Really loved that ending!

Overall; The story could have been a lot better in terms of rhymes and flow. The story is kinda ''normal'' but perhaps that was what you were going for? Either way I really enjoyed the closure, that was really dope, definitely loved the concept and you nailed the topic with that shit.

El Pancake - Nice use of Zeitgeist, haha. Interesting opener. And about the DNA stuff and personalities, I think I've read some shit like that already actually. Like how people have looked into DNA patterns and how they coincide with mental illnesses and in theory how you could fuck with that shit to minimize the risk of your kids getting them before they're even born. Kinda crazy shit tbh. I might be wrong about this as it's some time ago I read the article I'm thinking about, but I'm pretty sure I'm right when it comes to that. Either way; I like that you mention this shit anyways and I'm looking forward to see where you'll take it.

I enjoy the fluent progression and it was interesting to read on about David. The story is quite depressing but cool nonetheless. I like your creativity in this, and I kinda got a Hunger Games feel to it tbh. Overall a decent verse although I think you could have been more creative with the ending. Don't know what I think about offing the guy.

Vote - I really liked Pancakes verse, but didn't really enjoy the conclusion. Just Writes verse wasn't really jawdropping as it could have been polished quite a bit, but the twist at the end definitely made up for it and nailed the topic. Although I enjoyed Pancakes verse abit better when I read it I felt Just Writes closure to wrap up his story edges it in his favor. Had Pancake been a wee bit more interesting in terms of that he'd get it.

To make it clear; Just Write gets my vote. Predicted Pancake to get my vote so this surprised me. Interesting battle.

King Ra.
03-10-2014, 01:58 AM
Nice match up early in the season. Just Write, when first reading your story, I was thinking you were speaking from a view of a little boy, so I was thinking, how could a little boy use such terminology to describe things as intricately as you did? But then the end summed it all up..... an imaginary friend. Great job. That end line was the icing on the cake (no pun intended). You did such a great job in your detail and imagery. I was very impressed with how smoothly this read. Really there isn't nothing to complain about. Great piece of writing. Pancake, a very interesting approach. As usual, your scheming was on point and you did a good job progressing the story withvyour descriptions. I would have to say the ending was a bit weird, "the end" clearly just that. I feel you could have done something more perhaps with this.

Pancake came with an unique approach, and a very well written piece but Just Write did the same, except I feel his story was more in depth and complete, whereas Cakes sort of bottomed out in the end.

MVGT: Just Write.

Frank
03-10-2014, 02:15 AM
Just write. Tugging and toying at emotional strings/cords with this one. A real laidback delivery. A natural cadence that undermines the lack of actual technical ability. It takes a genuine writer to pull that style of writing/rhyme off. I thought the progression was pretty much pitch perfect. Probably your new signature piece, along with signature victory. You've elevated a tier with this one imo.

Pancakebrah, decent concept with some decent execution here. A guy who walks out on his life, the irony. Was not fond of this work to be completely honest.

Vote - Just Write

e11even
03-10-2014, 02:44 AM
JW- that drop was awesome, extensive, but awesome. I would say that was the neatest one I've seen over regulation length in recent time. Nice ending too. Very nice. I kinda think there should have been a little more rhyme involved, but it was already great as is.

PanPan- I loved the creativity that went into this piece. That said, I felt a little detached from the character. I don't think the character was developed enough to generate genuine concern. The backdrop was decent and I loved the language you used. But my end thoughts are that "the end" was unnecessary and the character wasn't as embedded in the story to give me that "well damn" feeling. Great drop though. I liked it otherwise.

MVGT JW for the better storytelling and cool ending. Good luck to you both.

dyedinthewool
03-10-2014, 02:47 AM
Just write- smooth throughout enough to capture the awesome moments that your piece has. Truthfully the end of your piece had me tearing. I never knew what it was like to feel that way as a child, maybe a bit more when I became older if anything, but to capture that emotion as a ten yr old, I think you did a great job. As I began reading I thought of a few different ways your piece would end and sure enough I was wrong, so that was awesome. I think you captured your topic very well.



Silver dollar- I straight up read this with such enthusiasm and animation, because to me this can be spoken word and your use of words in this piece is crazy. Well written, but I feel like this was more of a statement piece rather than a storyline. While there is nothing wrong with that, your opponents decision to take his topic the route that he did, has worked in his favor

Mvgt Just Write