Week 2: Mike Wrecka (1-0) vs. Vividlyvague (1-0) \\ Vividlyvague wins 6-5

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"You're born into this life paying for the sins of somebody else's past." — Bruce Springsteen


Good luck, Mike Wrecka and Vividlyvague.

[e11even]

There was an ominous tension here.
Pacing, his expressions were pensive,
The suspense tipping the tension's gears.
"I just found out, papi." Not a mention.
Not even an extended ear;
His mood a loose screw when the workbench is clear.
Nothing to do... so he stewed,
Just then, resentment reared.
"You hateful bitch!" He roared with intense grit,
Lips pinched in a vengeful sneer.
"Read it." I slid him the review.
He was pissed, "I'm gonna rip this shit!" He spews
With clenched fists and tears.
We wanted this since... shit...since!
THIS was our year.

"Who's is it, Angie?" His emotional threshold was exposed,
Breaking... shedding his composure's hold.
His emotes then molted to a molten moat surrounding his unfolding mold.
"It's ours, Baby!" He was getting to me, or thats what I hoped had shown.
Moping, he grabbed the results notice, with a gulping throat.

"Miguel Gomez...99.9... results positive. Results positive? So!"
"Baby... read the heading..." I motioned at the hospital's note.

"Ay Dios Mio..." The pregnancy fostered all of his hopes...
Ones of a daughter and son of prosperous growth.
Now, with his daughter lost, his job on the ropes,
The resentful ex-con was at a loss. "I need a bottle..."

"To cope?! You take one swallow and I'll go!!
Let's deal with our problems..."

"No. I'm hitting the bar."

"Carajo!!! Our lives are a joke!"
He struck me with one fist, readying the second to throw.
"I love you, Miguel! But you know full well we're barely afloat!!"

Relaxing his fingers, "She left me for Joe.
That puta with the Lexus, Rolexes and gold.
You are all I have Anjela... without you I'm alone."

"She was a bitch, papi." And just as I massaged him into a bone,
He erupted.

"I want my wife back!! My life's sapped! Our house isn't a home!
And that thing in you isn't mine!
It has Down's Syndrome in its bones!"

"Please stop, Miguel! This hurts!" My heart in knots and tangles,
He tried making my stomach take the brunt of his blows.
I tried to rock off his lobbing angles while blocking. He slows...

"Tell me why you stay. Tell me why you give me all that you have..."

My face swollen, stomach aching... "It's because no matter what...

You are forever my dad."

[Certain]

in a fortress of solitude having delusional thoughts,
effectively imprisoned by an immovable force,
this vessel isn't special its a crucible lost ,
in time and space searching for a suitable torch,
to light the way off of this unusual course,
the pain of every day is a renewable source,
still hopeful, keeping all my cuticles crossed,
that no one needs to worry about my funerals cost,
counting down the days until my freedom arrives,
but how long can the spirit of a human being survive?,
trapped in a box, incapable of seeing the sky,
fighting hard to suppress all these demons inside,
and ive tried to go to sleep, but i just lay awake,
the loneliness is unbearable, there is no escape,
ive lost weight, literally wasting away,
I wish the good lord would just take me today,
the gravity of this situation is making me pray,
but I remain stuck, forever, in this casing betrayed,
my time is up but im still waiting, delayed,
im starting to get worried, shaking, afraid ,
i have pictures of my last family vacation displayed,
preventing me from falling apart when my patience is frayed,
but essentially I am still breaking, decayed ,
as I dwell in darkness forever facing the shade,
who did I piss off, where did I go wrong,
it feels like i have been in this confinement for so long,
haven't I suffered enough, I want out of this cell,
the torment im enduring is a repetitive hell,
punished for someone else's sins in this desolate shell,
as I linger, accompanied by a most prevalent smell,
so I begin to wonder, how long must this last,
the person that made these mistakes, only lives in the past,
why am I forced to pay, for that collision and crash,
yes he was drunk driving but im the one sitting, abashed,
want to be reborn , want to leave it all behind,
but me and my former self are still intertwined,
see this isn't my life story, this is my after life story,
cause my jail is a coffin and im laying in perpetual purgatory,
just wish I could cut ties, wish I could sever,
but this is where i will stay, always and forever ,

[Just Write]

Lol fuckin vivid,
i always enjoy reading your pieces bro. They're either very intricate or very comical, or like this one both. You are probably one of the best story tellers here (concept wise) and it shows here. It was really just a great progressive piece that had just an overall natural feel to it. As i told diode last week i think it hurts you adding a foreign language to a piece that most people can't read, but I believed you pulled it off here.. well at least kept it to a minimun and used spanish words that most people know. I really despise rape or incest pieces though, im just going to be upfront with that. Still a great piece though.



Mike Wrecka!
sup bro? I gotta be honest man I think you pulled off a really great piece here. I mean technical wise and flow wise your pieces are always on point but this was a great emotional story as well. I felt you captured the emotions of someone who did something in their past and is now in utter turmoil over it very very well. The last half to ending was juat stellar. Definitely my favorite piece ive read from you since the T-rex piece, well that i can recollect. Anyways yea man good job


I love this league because it combines all these great writers with different styles and for the most part any writer can beat any writer on any given day. This battle could easily go either way but for me I think mike's piece was just too solid this week. Thanks guys

Mvgt=Mike wrecka

[timeless]

VV, didn’t enjoy this piece too much. Dialogue is for the most part, rather difficult to construct in verses, and I feel as though you fell off with it here like most do. You went from 1st person narrative to 3rd and left me confused quite a bit as to who was actually talking to who. Flow was way off, even after a couple of reads I still couldn’t connect to it aside from a bar or two. In relations to the topic, you came strong, and I dug the idea that you had, but it just didn’t appeal to me on a technical note.

MW, Just like VV’s verse, I didn’t really feel this one either man. The concept you chose to take on with the topic was dope, but I don’t think you gave it your full potential. The writing seemed rushed, which is odd for its length. Maybe not so much the writing but just how your story panned out.

I feel like if I explained anymore of MW’s verse, I would just be duplicating what I said about VV, so I’m not going to waste anymore time. Both pieces were equally enjoyable(imo, they were not.) Both verses as well had a dope concept but failed to execute a gripping story with it. The only one who I could say had an upper hand was Mike Wrecka with the flow/rhyme schemes/overall wordplay but still I’m going to vote on this based on the lines I felt were written the best, quotables if you must…

VividlyVague
” His mood a loose screw when the workbench is clear.”
” Moping, he grabbed the results notice, with a gulping throat.”

Mike Wrecka
” the pain of every day is a renewable source,”
” as I dwell in darkness forever facing the shade”

Ah fuck it, giving this to mike for having more of a sound verse.

V. Mike Wrecka

[Adonis]

Vivi - I liked the begining rhyme scheme of ABAB but that quickly ended, not sure why. Different rhyme schemes are often over looked and rarely done, so that was a change I would have enjoyed. I thought the flow was decent, story a bit hard to follow and most importantly; after I read it a few times, the only thing this left me feeling was you wrote for shock value and rhyme. A Husband left by Angie, who in the begining she was the prego becuase he said "whose baby is it Angie?" Then he beats her. Story changes to a back rub and the unamed (now pregnant daughter) also being beat by Miguel, oh, and the girls father (Miguel) is the father of the baby with Down Syndrome. Pretty sure thats the story in a nut shell. As for the rhyme... "His emotes then molted to a molten moat surrounding his unfolding mold." The bold was for rhyme scheme's sake, although unfolding mold is a strange way to put?? What, exploding or angry or bubling emotions I guess. All in all, not a huge fan of verse overall.


MW - the pain of every day is a renewable source,

Dope in context. I wish there was a reason for purgatory listed, or even tucked away hidden inside this verse. But nothing, just a man trapped in the darkness. You began eluding to the reason of why by speaking of a drunk man. So The only connection I can draw is that the man was the drunk driver, but he now sits for someone else's sins thing sort of tosses that out of the window. Solid rhyming, mostly. Didn't like the transitioning for a couple bars around the "arrive/survive" and a few others below and or above. But either way, emotional verse with nice imagery, nice gruesome imagery which I enjoyed

V/MIke

[patrown]

vividlyvague - why? .. ok. i liked a lot of your rhymes. you really carried the rhyme well here.
"Miguel Gomez...99.9... results positive. Results positive? So!"
"Baby... read the heading..." I motioned at the hospital's note.

"Ay Dios Mio..." The pregnancy fostered all of his hopes...
Ones of a daughter and son of prosperous growth.
Now, with his daughter lost, his job on the ropes,

was very strong at fostered all of his hopes/son of prosperous growth. i just liked how that rhyme in particular sounded in that set.read smoothly, sounded catchy. but your twist, if you will.. was a bit disturbing. the last line felt a liiittle off tone with the rest of the piece. as if shit got real serious BOOM twist drop WHAT?.. i mean, it worked.. but.. what did you just trick me into enjoying? idk.

mike wrecka - carried his rhymes very well here. as if to spite his opponent and secure a victory, which i feel he did. strong piece though. i respect the approach. definitely needed to be done. there were times when i feel like bouncing around on syllable counts could have helped.. on a second read through, you threw a lot of stuff in there to make the twist more unique. it worked both ways very well, and that's hard to do without feeling off. pulled it off well.

/v mike wrecka - more solid piece. matched his opponent with rhyme volume. there were some catchier phrases in vivids piece but.. it felt off at times when mike kept it together.

[Diode]

vag:

His emotes then molted to a molten moat surrounding his unfolding mold.

^ loved this

"I want my wife back!! My life's sapped! Our house isn't a home!
And that thing in you isn't mine!
It has Down's Syndrome in its bones!"

3rd line was forced after fantastic flow up to this point. I know it was important to show just how horrible Miguel is, but it messed with me for a bit since your mechanics were god tier until that point.

.. and then the closer. Vag, I have asked this before, and I'll ask again: "why u do dis?

these shock and awe swerves you drop in from time to time usually ruin your captivating story telling more than anything. it's like watching a shitty comedian perform the role of his life as an actor and then at the very end of the movie, he does prop comedy because lol fooled you!

i hated that closer. if you had stayed the course on the domestic abuse angle, especially from the female perspective, this would have been up there for me in all time pieces. it needed a little more meat before the end, but it would have been a contender.

instead you shit on the coats.

why must you shit on the coats?!?!

--

michael:

flow was smooth, but not very challenging either since you kept a single rhyme scheme for so long multiple times throughout. not used to seeing you this basic with it. i felt like you could've done more from a technical standpoint.

the story was alright, if a bit generic. the surprise at the end was meh since all we got was a single couplet explaining how our protagonist ended up in this state.. and then it was over. i wish you'd expanded on that more. tying the topic to the drunk driving victim bit was interesting.

--

this is hard. i felt vag was far superior in technique and story telling. mike had a smoother read, but that was due to simplicity more than anything. i really cannot state enough how much i hated vag's ending.. but it must be noted that he is becoming much better with dialog and character building.

v/ vag.

his ending may have been a poor choice, but i enjoyed reading everything up to it much more than mike's piece. there just wasn't enough story for me to give it to mike.

[Ink]

vividlyvague: Honestly I wanted to like this verse a lot more than I did. It started off well enough, but it quickly became harder to read. The rhyme scheme wasn't consistent, which is fine if done in a way that's easy to follow, but it wasn't in this case.. I found myself having to search for the connecting rhyme at certain points. You introduce alot of different facets of your characters lives, but with the way the information was delivered, it only muddied the waters for me.. Pregnancy, financial troubles, a wife that left, kid with down syndrome... It all just seemed like things tossed into a pot..

Mike Wrecka: This was smoothh.. I did have to give this two three more reads to try and draw a connection to the topic. Are you speaking from the perspective of the drunk drivers soul, that's trapped with the body for some reason and unable to move on? That was my best guess anyways... Overall it was a nice smooth read. Nothing blew my mind, but it was a very solid verse that was consistent from beginning to end

vote: Mike Wrecka, better executed verse overall imo

[neutral]

I liked what VV tried and in ways, he tried to do more. It lacked polish but it was as interesting as it was ambitious. I think that Mike Wrecka was fundamentally sound this week, though sometimes uninspired. It was a peculiar battle - each writer's ability suggesting they can do more with there verse but struggling to fully show that in their pieces. Could blame the topic. I don't know. This was pretty close. One piece interested me a tiny bit more.

VividlyVague

[King Ra.]

Vivid, you took a very interesting approach here going with a full blown story with a lot of dialogue and I must say, each read I came away impressed. You've always been one of the better storytellers in this league and this piece proves that. Your schemes were nice, the first part really drew me in. The dialogue was done very well too. There isn't much I can say negatively. The breaking up of your verse would be my only knack, but even then, I believe it made sense in your presentation. Mike Wrecka, it's been awhile since I've read something from you that displayed some top tier potential, and this here woyld have to be a step up (I had been gone awhile so idk about any of your work during that time). The direction you took was deep, dark and personal. You wrote this with that same tone from start to finsh. Your piece flowed very well and that helped as well.

This is a classic story vs conceptual match up. You both did a great job in your own unique way. This was a close match. Both of you didn't really have any major issues imo. One difficult thing about this sort of match between two different approaches, is usually a story has a bit of leverage especially when it's executed well. I got to tip ky hat to Mike for sprinkling some life into his piece especially on a personal level. Vivid had great dialogue and told a comical but very well rounded story. The intrigue and direction in Vivids story draws the line for me here.

MVGT: Vividlyvague.

[Vulgar]

VV - Interesting verse, entrenching for how much I took from it. I was a little lost after the first read, luckily Adonis' breakdown helped me out a bit after a third read. Your approach was dynamic and so was the way you came at it. I'd like for you to focus on emphasizing key parts that get lost in the menagerie. I've noticed your pieces can get chaotic - which is a good thing for the most part; at the same time, you want the reader to be right under your wings, being guided. This is at least my viewpoint.

MW - Steady flow, good content and focused subject. The issues I had with this was that there were moments of cliché, like 'fighting hard to suppress all these demons inside,' Usually in writing about confinement, mentioning an internal battle against demons is a green ticket, but everyone goes there. I felt like you have more unique lines to replace this but chose to go with something basic and accepted. Otherwise, my other complaint would be the late mention of the death by drunk driving that got the main character into all of this. If it was mentioned earlier on, I think you maybe could've elaborated on more details. This was a general, good verse. Not awakening though. I've seen better from you.

Vote - Vividlyvague

He did more with the topic.

[dyedinthewool]

vivid- this shit was crazy!!!!!! your spanish tantrums only made your piece stronger and ten times more vivid for me because i too understand the lanuage. it was a dynamic that was needed i feel. i also think your piece is refreshing because it was unlike the usual topical, it was more like reading a screen play slash novela and i enjoyed it.

wrecka- your piece is great, your mechanics are a lot sharper and more focused than that of your opponents however yet again this battle comes down to substance and the impact it had altogether. i do feel your opponent stepped a bit more outside the box with the topic at hand.

for those reasons my vote goes to vivid. this was an awesome battle!

[Certain]

Vividlyvague: God, you really write exactly like Frank sometimes. There were a lot of great aspects to this verse, though it was undermined by some of your trademark flaws. Your fluid rhyming was very easy to catch on to, and you didn't slip up very often as you've been wont to do in the past. The thing that impressed me most might be the amount of subtle foreshadowing. I wasn't crazy about the incest angle as a whole, but you did a really good job setting it up and making this verse more worthwhile on the second read. The emotion was strong, helped along by the natural rhymes and the use of dialogue. You've become a lot better a tthat since first signing in last season. You've become a lot better at everything since first signing in last season. My initial feeling was that you didn't ground the verse well enough by providing clear details, but the ending made that a little more understandable. There were some sloppy points, but it's rare that a verse with a major twist reveal at the ending still works so effectively on the lead up to the ending. And you developed the character of Miguel very well, though our narrator wasn't as clean. This was a very good verse, perhaps the best I've read from you.

Mike Wrecka: This verse is a rock-solid example of the end-of-verse twist. Your flow was perfect, and your end rhymes were strong (though a better use of internal rhymes was still to be desired). You built up quite a lot of foreshadowing without giving it away until about eight lines away from the end, but I don't think you ruined it by leaking too much information. What I do think is that these verses in general struggle with feeling concrete in their images when you're hiding so much. That became a big factor here because Vividlyvague did such a good job of both having his own end-of-verse twist and also keeping me more engaged throughout his verse. Your verse was a sturdy showcase for wordplay and metaphor and creativity, while Vividlyvague offered an emotion gamut through his detailed storytelling. Had the lyricism in your verse been a bit more complex and had you avoided a few bumpy clichés, you still might h ave pulled this out because your verse was strong. But I think Vividlyvague connected more with me and with the topic while executing his end-of-verse twist with even more of a surprise factor, for better or worse.

This was an excellent battle. I could have seen it going either way. But it has to end.

Vote: Vividlyvague