Week 2: Cereal_Killa (1-0) vs. patrown (1-0) \\ patrown wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"Who needs peace when you can profit from being right?" — Eyedea


Good luck, Cereal_Killa and patrown.

[patrown]

always speak the truth and find meaning inside,
since reason's the reason we perceive with our mind,
leave behind an allegiance to pride first.
when the times worsen, our shine blurs ends and beginnings,
life flies off blind curves into dead endings at high speed,
in time, greed's your only enemy, or the reason you succeed,
beware the lonely life of men with vision who've never seen,
ones who change their own truth to fill missing pieces of a scheme,
where life's a void, devoid of meaning, teeming with serpents,
slithering to polish the sheen of evil purpose across platinum thrones,
swarming and adorning every corner of land like fossilized stone,
they absorb all it gives, then waste away to die with no home,
while the tide of the known reaches its limits safely,
our eroding shores of finite proportion are wasting away,
like grey coral absorbing tones of stray floral pollen,
wash clean again in the storm, this is our life cycle's autumn,
as our last days increase, years of the lifespan climb to the sky,
leaving us swallowed inside our manifested infectious destiny,
warn down and digested, in season, we play a part in our recipe.
Stan was thirty two, obeyed dirty rules,
fueled with dirty jewels, his aura's crystalline kryptonite,
a human formed in a missile pointed at society's feet,
trying to outlast the man crashed, born to meet peace, a moment of grief.
he fomented release in a spiritual fashion, Randy's passion was yoga,
smart like a six two yoda, three hundred pounds and shaped like a brick,
he braved burning buildings and saved children in melted kicks,
leaped through fire and embraced life like it was forged by his will,
and of course he was killed by a man who force fed him a pill,
another heart attack and a new will, ample warning given uphill.
we still seek truth in a land of the free range manatees stranded,
in a bucket of french fries, comatose in an ocean of madness,
our overgrown asses pay taxes and graze in the fields,
look amazed by the feels, kick at the flies, neigh at weapons concealed.
we'll stay and we'll build, time supplies our truth with a shield,
some tell it and some don't, some are felons with no homes,
they took our jobs and education, wages held away by bloody cages,
it's just the world we live in, not news from the top's view,
we're mounted above Hell's hearth wearing God's shoes.

[Cereal_Killa]

Topic: Who needs peace when you can profit from being right?


Consume Me

..

Formed from a chariot that charitable Friar Tuck wouldn’t trust me
Trust me amongst mice and men, Disney’s brush couldn’t touch me
Fuck me, if I cut-cut the axis of the polar balance it would adjust me
Just me standing adjacent before a lobotomy like stasis - THRUSTING
If you couldn’t profit from pretty and human combustion
It’d be some then

Come on now
No one hates UGLY

..


In a castle made of sand and stone; bone now paths the road
For monogamy and a metallic taste of polygamy are on show
It’s simple, as a dominant king if your structure is embossed with
An optical illusion so polished your colleagues become hostage
Other gold leaf Apostles pay homage from just a mere promise
Nostalgia through phallic fossils, fuelled off the basis of “what if’s”
My two wives and I smoke Paythia Gases from the Ottomon War
Combining chemical compounds of French camphor with cats claw
Stock standard opium, sodium and Nazi Black henbane for taste
All other miscellaneous grains just reflect the past of our imperfect escape
..
I am in a cocoon
Split between a third and forth gender on a binary test
My pelvis is ample as if I was trampled n’ quietly set
Sizeably spread, yet with a desirable abdomen strength
Divine, divine like I defined divinity itself in my steps
From dusk to dawn I have wept with my two wives
As the population of puppets scurry in whirlwinds of white
Dancing to death in these Egyptian streets of surprise
Violently rioting for what lies beneath these sheets I supply
Clean air, renewable fuel and pollution in one critical serge
I merge n’ I sift through a constant drizzle of spit n’ burns
Daily!
But today it does not faze me as I’ve been earth by a noble thirst
One real turn of worth, my first wife is having our miracle birth
She pushes and heaves, nursed by decree
Her breath; A hearse of purpose hauling black outs of grief
She breathes
{Uaahhh}
1,2
{A Baby’s scream}
Amongst the waiting halls, I move as the day breaks free
Pacing with a defective urethra which still passed seeds
I believe I have now found GOD
Catching my last tear on my finger tip fading through my skin
Glazed from an after tone of darkness by a sedated physician
“You’re child died” rattles like a marble shattered in an auditorium
From poor medical policies and a rorted auditing system
Pausing, with a human colony of fire flies swan-diving around me
I fall to the floor lacerated by these rioters whom flood my boundaries

Cowards! You pounded this fucken globe with no relevant rapport
Well I will force feed you enema’s ‘til you feel a real declaration of war

I stand tall;
Clutch the closest neck, n’ splash skull into liquid air
Wipe the blood from my nose and off of my diamond mohair
I merge as a true dictator, set with a heretic’s residue in my beard
If starvation and euthanasia is their big concern
It just got prepared
..


To Be Continued..

[Just Write]

Patrown,
we both talked about yoda! Lol. This was great, more like a two parter. The first half was very visual and poetic and the second half starting with "stan was 32" felt a little less abstract and more personal. I love comparison references, for example the "like a 6'2 yoda.. built like a brick" it just always puts the image in my head and seems to get me (as an individual) involed more. the greed's your only enemy and also the reason you succeed was also another stand out line. My only problem is i fell off with the flow a few times but i do that a lot because every writer, writes at their own pace.


Cereal killa,
sup my dude! Man that section after the baby died was fire, really chilling man. Ill be honest up front with you. I read patrown piece once, i read yours like 3-4 times and just couldn't get into it. I meam i didnt really see where this fit together with the topic and i had to google a few parts to try to fully understand some parts. While maybe it was just my dumb ass not understanding, i dont ever want to work hard to read a verse. It makes me low key not want to judge it because i dont want to belittle a piece by me not getting it, ya know? As for the story though it was solid. I didnt like the first section though, well i liked the nobody loves ugly part lol. Reminded me of atmosphere. The second section is the part i didnt quite get. From the baby on i loved it.


Well this week im going to have to go with patrown

[timeless]

Pat, not a bad read here. Was pretty abstract for the most part, wish you would’ve blended Stand and Randy’s personas more throughout the verse instead of bringing it in for a little bit in the middle, was too random imo. Flow was awkward at times. Concept wise it was decent, you fell into a prose/rant trap it seems but you more than made up for it with plenty of quotable lines and vivid, yet good imagery. Overall not a bad read, not bad at all I enjoyed it.

CK, I don’t even know what to say, tbh. Like, I read this 3 times, couldn’t get into it. The writing was so crisp though, the flow, wordplay, etc. It’s like I had no choice but to get into it because of how many well written lines there are. But for the story, It’s not coming complete to me. It might to others who vote, but it just leaves too many questions to be answered. Not digging that. There’s probably a minimal of 5 or 6 bars that were dope as fuck. Just need to dig out more details next time.

This is fairly close imo, but I have to give this to Patrown for having more of an impact. I wish cereal was more descriptive instead of getting caught up in the rhyme. This could go either way for sure. Sorry if it’s over my head CK, that can be both a good and bad thing. Dope read either way.

V.Patrown

[cyph her]

Patrown - This was a bit of an awkward read for me overall. While there were some dope lines.. I felt like you changed direction midway through, as if you had taken a break and come back with a different idea. You started to gain momentum with the characters, but then just fell off all of a sudden.

CK - I enjoyed reading this. I really dug the opening stanza and I feel like there's a topic for it where you could have dominated, but this wasn't it. I really can't figure out what your angle was.



v-Patrown

[Adonis]

Pat - So the first third of this verse packed so much knowledge into each individual, I loved that portion most. It had decent flow, but with the amount of meaning in each line the flow was secondary to actually understanding what you were doing, because it was complex, yet executed superbly. The middle portion was decent, it was merely you setting up for the ending I feel. The two characters, there lives in a nut shell. The bottom portion again was back on track and dope. Again, flow in this was decent at best, it had it's moments for sure, but also had lines where the flow was not that great, but the meaning in those lines off set that fact. In a nut shell, flow and rhyme were secondary to getting the point across which I commend and appreciate, good shit. All in all, to me the verse was about Earth in general, and the hell we've made it. Good use of metaphors, solid verse. Keep up the incline to superiority pimp.


CK - So to be continued pieces are largely not effective because each part or verse truly must stand alone against a completed work of body. I think you did decent here, but not great. The ending of this verse had that "ending feel", but not quite there. The verse as a whole was also a bit confusing. There was a lot inside the lines. Miracle births, scientific experiments of offspring, polygamy. The entire time I read this, and each time I read this, I kept thinking it was about Earth and the Father of the dead child was a god of some sorts. But the ending ruined that for me as he is a king, not a god who created this earth. IDK bro, not one of your better works conceptually I'd say, but the writing from the individual concepts to flow was nice.


V/ PAt

[King Ra.]

You both wrote pretty well here. patrown, you really impressed me with this verse. You wrote it very well. The only problem I had with your piece was when you introduced the two characters near the middle of the verse, but then got back on track. This would have been a perfect piece. I loved your schemes & descriptions. All in all, solid job. CK, as always, you write very intricately, and just like patrown, very descriptive. My niche with your piece is it didn't really start kicking until the baby part. I found myself like others trying to understand your story. There were some indications, but I'd have to say I wasn't able to piece it together. Like your opponent, solid writing though the story left much to be desired.

Through my first initial read, I was leaning towards CK, but after going through each piece thoroughly, I have to say patrown managed to put together a more well rounded piece, whereas CK's though well written, seemed a bit off.

MVGT: patrown.

[Pinot Grij]

Patrown, I think you hit the nail on the head here for the week as far as writing a strict TOPICAL... the diction was done in a way where you didn't get completely lost in conceptualizing things too much. I also thought it was seamless how you carried the scheme into the opener of the next line, then switch it up.. it read smoothly and I didn't feel like you were being led along by your own rhymes, which can be difficult to pull off while trying to show off your technical prowess.

Cereal, as far as your story went, I think it was a little off from the picture you were trying to paint. A lot of your opening sequence was difficult to follow.. I was trying to get a picture of the character you were portraying but it eluded me by the way the description seemed to jump around... by the end of it, I'm assuming we're looking at an Aboriginal chieftain who is trying to carry on his bloodline... in which case, I would want to see more nervousness or effort early on... and then he decides to take out his anger on his people, then I would've preferred to read about his disdain for his people or his frustration with not being able to impregnate his wife. I guess I just wish it was more focused and straightforward so I could follow along. Despite these troubles, I think you were pretty nice technically.. the pace of the verse moved along quite nicely.

My vote goes to Patrown on this one.