Week 2: timeless (1-0) vs. TYSON (0-1) \\ timeless wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"Rain comes out the sky every time somebody dies." — Nas


Good luck, timeless and TYSON.

[timeless]

An alliance of storms, into one they aligned and warned
to remember what’s left, yet we all denied to mourn.
Tears weighed by ocean’s depth,
Rain came with a motion of death, choking our breath.
Clouds in power now, and to the sky they spoke and said…
…”Fade away moon, you must have your light shine elsewhere”.
Spoonful of monotony in between our lifeline’s healthcare,
the spite type of welfare created for those inclined less.
Except we rewind…unraveling such a designed death.
Left us blind and spineless, standing in the rain
that only pours silence, disbanding, stranded in vein.
Mutual type of recluse, such excitement we choose,
to enlighten moods when our strength’s divided by two.
In line with a few souls who stay stuck delighted by news
of the fallen struggle, we soon invited the truth.
Every step we take throws gravity off balance.
Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx.
Such malice, breathe in tune with drums of passion,
mashing thoughts into one sum of lust/love clashing.
They didn’t buy it, instead they bought cups and baskets
just to put a lid on to preserve the trust we’re lacking.
All’s I ask for…is some fucking peace and quiet.
Calories weighed in silence is how I breached my diet.
The undertow of imagery, the void of what we see…
…annoys much it seems, coy spirit of trust to seek.
We’re dying inside, not much more of a point to make.
Weather the storm of death and join your fate.
Enjoy what you create because it will be gone soon,
our day’s directions are limited similar to a pawn’s move.
Such the taunt too…with no light at the end of the tunnel.
If life had a point…it’s only message was subtle.

[TYSON]

THE MONSTER OF SHOWER FALLS


The cheerful ambience feels ominous in the town of shower falls
The oddity of death giving joy as blood leaks thru the gauze
A women races thru the applauds and fell straight to her knees
Cause what she sees diminishes the excitement clause for her son to never breath
As she grieves, moments of flashbacks makes the children quake
Random hash tags flood the network to depict the demons face
Her baby gone, with no tears to join her time of grievance
As we take a moment to reenact the crime that dawned this bereavement


Timmy loved middle school especially his homeroom class
Mrs. Jordan was his teacher who he helped without her having to ask
If he had a choice to pass or flunk out, there would be no graduation
Frequent visits of male companions to mothers gave him a whiff of infatuation
It was attraction waiting ...with a due date attached
Her scent of lavender was enough to ravish her and he had experience to match
The witness of rape as his mother laid screaming, he watched
His mother eyes locked to his, tearful but afraid of the repercussions if she made him stop
That act of mercy however heartfelt, cropped a invasive weed
Sun to a latent seed, that would set a blaze to shower fall middle's, April peace
dreading his last week of happiness his moves where to be precise
Display his affection to his Mrs. and show that his love would suffice
As quick as he released emotions is as quickly it was shoot down
Luckily he came prepared, hands clinched to a .22 he found
Struggling for dominance they fumble with the gun to catch a grip
Surprisingly strong, a stray caught the hip of a fellow student on a exit trip
No guilt overwhelmed him just madness, lustful sadness
The teacher crying in a corner, eyes touched with panic
He ended her life, to free her from torture, the feeling was mutual
A young mind distorted, bleak of a future forming, tired of the usual
He emptied the clip on bystanders and then took his own
A child lost in puberty seeing himself, a monster before he was even grown

This is that sigh of relief that filled the city streets of onlookers
future pedo. gone and others holding sons and daughters with hate of the one who took her
Till that tear driven women came screaming, begging for comfort
Then reality hit shower falls for an adolescent who was seen as monster

[Just Write]

Every step we take throws gravity off balance.
Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx.

This line was crucial.

imeless,
a very poetic feel dude. I really enjoyed this piece. Are you an alias or? Because i don't recall your name but the writing seems vaguely familiar. Anyways i enjoyed the story you told, pretty abstract but technically it was sound and the fliw was perfect. My only thing is I don't know if it was maybe too abstract. I felt lost in some parts and had trouble connecting your piece to the topic despite reading it a few times. Besides you just talking about the rain of death i couldn't relate it to the topic very well. Still a great piece


Tyson, you impressed me with this one. I havent read anything from you in a while but this was good. There were a few stretched lines making it seem choppy in a few areas but your storytelling made up for it. I just don't for the love of me know why you would write about rape with a topic like this. Wierd, cool story though.

I didnt relate either piece to the topic as well as i would have liked to but im going to have to go with timeless because i think he had a little more polished piece of work. Enjoyed the reads guys

Mvgt=timeless

[Pinot Grij]

Timeless, you went straight topical style with your verse which can be tricky... for me, each couplet really needs to have an impact line or really stellar rhyming mechanics to stand out... otherwise, it can sort of seem like meandering thoughts patched together. I think your verse suffered from this a bit, but there were still several lines that had a decent impact for me...

to enlighten moods when our strength’s divided by two.
our day’s directions are limited similar to a pawn’s move.
These lines are simply put, and give the reader something to connect to... with topicals, there's so much emphasis put on atmosphere and conceptual diction that sometimes the simplest of expressions stand out because they pack meaning.

Tyson, I felt where you were going storywise, and it actually was a decent take on the topic... but my issue would be that the verse just needed more polish. There were a lot of run-on lines, so-so diction choices.. the mechanics stood in the way for me of really telling the story. It's a shame, because I think if there was some editing or proofreading, this could have been a nice verse... but it just felt a little rushed and thrown together for me.

Vote goes to Timeless

[cyph her]

Timeless - I really enjoyed this. I typically read aloud what I'm voting on and not only did it sound beautiful but it flowed very well and didn't seem at all forced. I think you captured the topic in a very imaginative way with some pretty vivid visuals.

"Except we rewind…unraveling such a designed death.
Left us blind and spineless, standing in the rain"

I could imagine someone spinning around being "unraveled" in the rain until they were left with nothing. Pretty dope.

Tyson - I really like story telling and this was a good story. However, I found myself tripping over words to trying to follow the storyline and transition into bars. The run-ons were too much. I didn't feel like the topic was fully captured throughout. More like revisited at the end.

v-Timeless

[patrown]

/v timeless - first i've read of you. clean piece. you're pretty good... looking forward to a story. strong writing. especially enjoyed these lines..

In line with a few souls who stay stuck delighted by news
of the fallen struggle, we soon invited the truth.
Every step we take throws gravity off balance.
Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx.

i like multiples in groups like this. especially when it makes perfect sense. overall i'm not sure i was compleetely satisfied with your ending. probably because you rhymed so strong throughout, i expected a little more out of your last four. but this was a solid piece that would be hard to beat.

tyson- i was enjoying the piece until the fourth line of the second stanza. anyway, i'm going to assume you may take my advice into consideration and give you a bunch of it.

The cheerful ambience feels ominous in the town of shower falls
The oddity of death giving joy as blood leaks thru the gauze

(the introduction of blood so early without telling us what happened really takes away from any impact the situation may have had. now we're waiting to see what happened, and even though sometimes that is an effective strategy.. you used a lot of unnecessary words. bolded a couple.)

THE MONSTER OF SHOWER FALLS


The cheerful ambience feels ominous in the town of shower falls
(too many modifiers that do not rhyme)
The oddity of death giving joy as blood leaks thru the gauze
A women races thru the applauds and fell straight to her knees
(who is applauding? why?)
Cause what she sees diminishes the excitement clause for her son to never breath
(excitement clause definitely needed to be reworded or i do not get it.)
As she grieves, moments of flashbacks makes the children quake
Random hash tags flood the network to depict the demons face

(quake and face don't rhyme, if children would have matched demons with its vowels or perhaps a very strong consonant .. it may have worked)

Her baby gone, with no tears to join her time of grievance
As we take a moment to reenact the crime that dawned this bereavement

(reenact felt off. rest was sound)

Timmy loved middle school especially his homeroom class
Mrs. Jordan was his teacher who he helped without her having to ask
If he had a choice to pass or flunk out, there would be no graduation
Frequent visits of male companions to mothers gave him a whiff of infatuation

(^ sounding muuuch better mechanically. frequent was a little rough to not rhyme and could have been left out completely)

It was attraction waiting ...with a due date attached
Her scent of lavender was enough to ravish her and he had experience to match

(mechanics are doing much better here. but that's nasty.)

The witness of rape as his mother laid screaming, he watched
His mother eyes locked to his, tearful but afraid of the repercussions if she made him stop
That act of mercy however heartfelt, cropped a invasive weed
Sun to a latent seed, that would set a blaze to shower fall middle's, April peace

(you're starting to do really good here mechanic wise at a disturbing place.....no comment)

dreading his last week of happiness his moves where to be precise
Display his affection to his Mrs. and show that his love would suffice
As quick as he released emotions is as quickly it was shoot down
Luckily he came prepared, hands clinched to a .22 he found
Struggling for dominance they fumble with the gun to catch a grip
Surprisingly strong, a stray caught the hip of a fellow student on a exit trip
No guilt overwhelmed him just madness, lustful sadness
The teacher crying in a corner, eyes touched with panic

(touched felt a little bland. frozen would have been more effective.)

He ended her life, to free her from torture, the feeling was mutual
A young mind distorted, bleak of a future forming, tired of the usual

(torture and forming shared a similar O sound which really helped those lines rhyme)

He emptied the clip on bystanders and then took his own
A child lost in puberty seeing himself, a monster before he was even grown
This is that sigh of relief that filled the city streets of onlookers
future pedo. gone and others holding sons and daughters with hate of the one who took her
Till that tear driven women came screaming, begging for comfort
Then reality hit shower falls for an adolescent who was seen as monster

(i'm not sure how i feel about the end, but.. you flipped the tone, and i felt that needed to be pointed out.)

[Witty]

Fucckkkkking phone deleted my shit.

My original was pretty short, this is gonna be a little shorter, sorry guys.


Timeless - I liked this, it flowed very well for the most part and there were a few lines that ahowed your poetic ability as well as an interesting thought process, I like when people think in ways which I don't, there were also a few lines I didn't really understand, which is a danger with a puece lile this, you didn't alienate the reader, but a few parts kept him at arms length.

Tyson - as a story this was cool, i was drawn in but the story was too often interrupted by awkward wording, it doesn't change the value of the content but it does take away from the overall enjoyment of the read, for me personally, nothing is better than reading a perfect flow, it gives me butterflies, maybe I'm weird. But yeah, this was a piece that showed you clearly have ability to tell a well worked story, but it was lacking mechanically.

Vote timeless.

[Diode]

timeless

opening couplet ended with an odd wording. i don't know why "denied to mourn" didn't work for me, but it just seemed off.

"Left us blind and spineless, standing in the rain
that only pours silence, disbanding, stranded in vein."

liked that. it's similar to a rhyme scheme i commonly used, so might be biased.

the rest of this seems like there's some etheral subject that you can't grasp so you're just saying stuff that sounds cool and topical-like. you also didn't really do anything with the topic at hand.

examples:

"Sanity’s lost talent, like calamity taught phalanx"

this made no sense. rhyming for rhyming's sake. i saw just write call this crucial.. how is an ancient military formation taught by tragedy, and further how does that relate to sanity's lost talent? and what is the lost talent? the fact that every step we take throws grabity off balance? what?

"All’s I ask for…is some fucking peace and quiet.
Calories weighed in silence is how I breached my diet."

you were trying to come up with a clever metaphor here and almost did, except breached makes no sense in this context.

i'd like to see something less generic from you in the future. you obviously have the rhyming ability (and this piece makes me think you reference a rhyming dictionary).. do more with the subject in the future, please. pontificating is nice but also looks like an ego stroke sometimes, especially when it doesn't realte to the topic.

--

TYSON

Shower Falls should have been captialized. Pet peeve. Actually, there are a lot of grammatical/spelling/word choice errors here. Try to work on those in the future as they can be very distracting from the story you're telling.

As for the story you told.. it was okay. The swerve was an unnecessary choice, in my opinion. Depicting rape/violence/etc has become a bit of a safety net for a lot of writers in the AOWL so I'd like to see you expand beyond that next week. You connected more with the topic than your opponent, but the structural problems and convoluted story hurt you here.

v/ timeless on the grounds of mechanics