Week 2: Pinot Grij (0-0) vs. fresh (0-0) \\ Pinot Grij wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"All we know is the beginning. Nobody controls the way that it ends." — Royce da 5'9"


Good luck, Pinot Grij and fresh.

[fresh]

Mesmerized by severed ties that never die
A fear as thick as ya femoral leaves you petrified
Shedding light on present time, barely recognized
Testify wretched lies after yesterday pedals by
Layered in harshness like glaciers, flared catharsis
Foresight impaired, verily ensnared in darkness
Bear the weight of prayer if you dare to harvest
The glare that blinds barren minds, narrative carcass
Star at the vortex from within, imperative fortress
pejorative chorus implores decadence, heritage forfeits
Unknown forests meet explored pastures, relative portraits
This is the story of the hare and the tortoise
Guidance is non existent like speed bumps at intervals
FUCK the mindless people who need somethin biblical

Looking forward isn't the future that I see
I do what I must to suture parting sea's
Don't let it come undone or life will grimly reap any flexability
like a debt collector that'll shoot you in the knees
My empowered fate is scoured into sour fate
I devour plates of powder for hours straight
This isn't what I envisioned it's like sitting in a prison
The confines of ones mind can be a wicked cataclysm
I want to be remembered for generous tasks
But control is hindered, dismembered from grasp
I'm not winning, I'm spiraling, I'm spinning
If I could do it over I'd never do this again
All we know is the beginning
Nobody controls the way that it ends

[Pinot Grij]

Pam suspected Eric was different, but the changes were subtle
Amid the day to day struggle of remaining a couple
Their relationship crumbled...
underneath the weight of their troubles
See, love is a battlefield, and he wore her name on his knuckles
He was raised in a tumult, born to two unbearable parents
That rooted within him the discordance of their terrible marriage
They'd always argue over dinner, and never cared about Eric
Who, scared and embarrassed, just sat and stared in his carrots
He’d bear the awareness of the effects of their fights
And decided to see their anger as a test of his might
He swore when he was grown, he’d protect what was right...
He'd have respect for his wife for the rest of his life
And when he met Pam… it was plain he was bitten
Shamelessly stricken by how she playfully kissed him
Eric came to be smitten, in a way that was different
Than any other woman he had dated or been with
But they became distant... as he feared they’d begin to
And feared they'd fallen into a cycle he'd already been through
It was simple, he'd simply grown sick of the monotony
Unsure if it was his doing or a symptom of monogamy
He drifted through awfully, hardly paying attention
Felt faced with a sentence... there was no mistaking the tension
Thus came his confession, he sat for a talk with Pam
So he set out to plot the span from when his thoughts began
He was such a cautious man, but this had been building for months
He set to spilling his guts... the pain... the guilt and mistrust
She was filled with disgust, crying, she sobbed “Not this way...
Eric, you’re making a mistake if you let me walk away.”
But he would not be swayed, that's why she left him in tears
And he desperately feared that he’d come to regret this for years
He was bereft it was clear, but he was in search of something stable
Always reminded of that young boy sitting at the supper table
For him, love was painful, and that was all he had known
So even in relationships, he was always alone.

[PancakeBrah]

fresh -

The first section needed a lot of work. It was a lot of vocab for the sake of vocab. A lot of it was almost non sense. Or more accurately, the lines were trying to say something but the language you used and the density and sheer amount of wording you threw at it made it a chore to parse out. I knew what every word meant but they served no real purpose and only added unnecessary and convoluted "complexity". The second section was a little more straight forward but still had some wording issues. The relation to the topic was pretty simple, this was very much a 'topical' piece. You wrote about the topic in a conceptual sense. The metaphors you used, though, were either basic or cliche. Your verse against Diode was much better than this.

Pinot -

Nice verse here. Pam wasn't that fleshed out as a character (you sexist, I'm sure she had some feels too) which made this a little onesided but that's not a huge deal. This was good, it read easily and your wording was solid throughout. Your approach to the topic was one I would expect someone to do but you executed well. Instead of spelling it or putting the phrase in the verse you let it sink in slowly, allowing the reader to make the subtle connection. Good to see you writing again, this wasn't your best verse but it was good and showed why, even with a less showy verse, you're one of the best here.

Thanks for the read.

v/Pinot

[Just Write]

fresh, not gunna lie bro, you do have potential. i just think you try to hard sometimes. i feel like it's better to get you point across than try to cram so many inners into your piece almost to the point where it's hard to follow, first section being an example. however i really enjoyed your second section.


Looking forward isn't the future that I see
I do what I must to suture parting sea's

for some reason i love that second line


i thought it was written well minus a couple things that i believe have to do with your annunciation. overall not bad although i do agree with cake man that your piece against diode was better.

pinot,
nice seeing a piece from you brotha. this was really written superbly. the flow was exceptional but never lacked in content. it was a little predictable in a way (basic love story type setting where everything is all gravy but eventually crumble because he's insecure in himself) I do think you pulled it off well though and it favors you that this is very relatable to a lot of people. ive seen you put out masterpieces and expect more next week.. unless you battle me lol jk


good battle guys

mvgt=pinot

[neutral]

1) This was not a very good verse. Use a side dish of dictionary with that main course of thesaurus, although maybe avoid either until you're more comfortable with your writing, and language generally. It did get better in the second part; focusing less on unnatural words and forced rhymes. The similes were not clever. The metaphoric language was about the same. Focus more on expressing yourself instead of trying to affect a greater importance with language you cannot use yet. Sorry.

2) This was an impressive verse. I wasn't exactly pulled into or enthralled by it, but the narrative was concise, and the rhyming was very good, even stellar in places. You did that without forcing very much, if at all, and that might be the most impressive aspect. You communicated the emotion of your character with solid nuance. I liked this verse. It would have taken some effort to topple. Very good writer.

Pinot Grij

[Lars]

Fresh - You have this great ability for pulling off multi-strings while still keeping your bars short enough in length that the flow doesn't faulter, that's a major plus of yours, so don't change it. Play to your strengths. I wrote a lot similarly at one point so from a technical standpoint, I can appreciate what you're doing, and I actually thought you ended this on a strong note it was just that you made this thing so brief it almost sold yourself a little short. I think given more time to develop this into something longer and fleshed it out, it could have served you better, but as it is you almost seemed to be in a rush or ran out of time or clipped the ending short to wrap it up. Your rhyming and scheming is top notch though, not many here can keep it as rigid as you do yet still maintain that buttery flow from one line to the next.

Pinot Grij - I've always loved your style, it suits topical writing to a tee, it's technical enough to give the readers what they want, yet you still keep the schemes etc loose enough so that you've plenty of wriggle-room to navigate us through the story without it seeming overbearing and it comes off effortlessly. I was with you from the jump on this verse, completely drawn into the story of these two as young lovers, then it reached crisis point which is somewhere we've all been at some point and can relate too. That's a great asset in writing I always feel, finding that universal thing that we can all relate to on some emotional level and then building around it. This verse showcased just how dangerous you can be when you're fired up. I expect big things from you this season. I'm going with Pinot Grij here also, I just felt he was better in more areas overall and delivered a more full-rounded drop this week than Fresh who's joint seemed a little short if I'm honest. Nice battle guys.

Keep those pens moving!

[Vulgar]

fresh - You can be really good. I've already skimmed some feedback people have given you for this battle and I agree to some degree. The overall progression of this piece felt very constipated, like you were forcing out content that wasn't bringing harmony to the reader's palate. It was too jam-packed - with a theme like this you need to be more patient and let the writing come to you. Keep your five senses on the edge to receive the best possible instances you can describe to the reader in detail.

Pinot Grij - Solid verse. I'm not too keen personally on storytelling verses like this because there is so little personality to reap from it since it's a traditional narrative. I'm more about the vibrant concepts inside of that narrative... you chose to keep it general, which was strategic. I'd have to critique this as unfulfilling, but still effective. The rhyme scheme was very on point throughout, being the highlight.

My vote goes to Pinot Grij.

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle

fresh - I actually really enjoyed reading the first section of this piece. because it flowed well. and I appreciate that more than most here. but tbh if you ask me what this verse was actually about I couldn't tell you. maybe if I read it again. but I rarely read verses twice, you get one shot to leave an impression on me. your writing is good. you have ability that is apparent. I like the way you structure your rhymes. just in this league, tell a story or a moral of some sort. the voters tend to gravitate towards that here.

pinot - sup. good verse. good flow on a narrative driven story is not easy and you pulled it off well. really liked it. your multis are inventive. they are not straight forward. you come up with some real interesting rhyme combinations. thanks for that. no one else here really writes like that. your less formulaic than most. story wise it was good.


vote - pinot noir