Week 2: sacrifice (0-1) vs. Objective (0-1) \\ sacrifice wins 6-5

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56515).


Topic


"I hope you wake up in time for the revolution." — Common


Good luck, sacrifice and Objective.

[Objective]

Spain 2022 - Adolfo takes a glance at his corona,
the tension is rising in the city of Barcelona.
The economic collapse craved for improvements,
and Adolfo finds comfort in anarchist movements.
His twelve year old son sleeps well in his bed,
yet he feels the kids future hangs on by a thread.
A gunfire echoes in the distance which fuel his visions
of a society without money following trading traditions.
A world without prisons, cold wars and college tuitions,
a world with compassion, no poor housing conditions.
Naive ambitions? Perhaps, but far from a blind bet
that the world can be peaceful with the right mindset.
As he walks past his sons room in a state of confusion,
he whispers; ''I hope you wake up in time for the revolution.''

The following day the news portray peaceful protestors yelling ''Durruti!'',
the name of a socialist that overthrowed the gov with such beauty
Adolfo considers it any humans duty to follow his lead
without fear and neglect to battle men possessed by greed.
Impressed with respect by workers insisting on being seen,
he put a sweater on his son and rushed to the scene.

When they arrived Adolfo's friend Leo saw them in the square,
approached and adviced that they should get out of there.
As police tried to seize control of what the state defined as evil,
a provocatist raised his fist and said ''POWER TO THE PEOPLE!''
Half of the thousands in the crowd attacked, not really surprised
the cops tried to handle the situation, but this was organized.
Thousands came from outside and surrounded the cops,
armed to the teeth these people had no intentions to stop.
Adolfo and his kid was trapped, his friend knew it was risky;
But he insisted; ''I didn't want you here, follow me, quickly!''

Through the chaos they hurdled through to where people were fewer,
Leo went to a manhole cover, lifted it up and told them to go down the sewer.
A couple men looked at them from the bottom with surpised faces,
Leo yelled; ''They're friends, take them somewhere safe, leave no traces!''
They got inside and was led to a man with a submachine,
in a russian accent he said; ''Thiz iz anarchist dream!
Yeeeeeet, you should haf stayed home! Come here!''
and they walked for an hour, finally safe from the square.

A secret passage led them to an underground cave,
constructed for a decade and specialized for this day.
Adolfo didn't know what to say, but they were told to stay,
and that Leo would come by later and show them the way.
A radio told how the people had invaded government buildings,
and marked it with anarchist symbols from the floors to the ceilings.
And revealed that even them hoped for a solution,
Adolfo whispered in his sons ear;
''This is how you wake up in time for the revolution.''
And he replied; ''One mans freedom is another mans fear.''

[sacrifice]

"I hope you wake up in time for the revolution." — Common

You ever felt despair? A hellish glare from the Self?
Wake up, lungs screaming from breathing the melted air.
It's time to break up the traffic on the avenue of hope,
enough money coming in, you never fathomed you'd be broke.
Choked from the stench leaking from atrophied will.
A question from the passions, asking...
When exactly you'd kill the habit? After these pills?
Another week passes and still...
The same sticky soles from the spills on the fabric of weakness.
Spinning cyclical revelation, a little magical sweetness
and you're back in traffic and speeding toward a battle with demons;
a force of madness and pretense.
Of course, you happen to need this,
'cause a quick pass and a deep hit and you're back on your feet.
No need for an added reprieve, just relax and receive this:
we've added a tweaked mix of euphoric extortion.
Our laundering technique is all the rage.
We'll keep just enough to perform the abortion and call it paid.
All in a day's tour, guided by dismay to leave you lost in the maze.
I'd talk for days about that awfully painful reward,
but we've all been blamed by somebody for somethin'
out to reclaim, with the gumption of a Russian,
territory lost due to some substance I fucked with.

They say history repeats, but that's ridiculous to me.
Every morning I wake up, and within me I repeat,
"It's time to get rid of this disease."

You ever felt the sanctity of comfort and peace?
Wake up, lungs free from the pungent extremes.
As time awaits us; hit the boulevard, to the park.
My beauty called for a rendezvous at dark,
something to eat, fine, but she's such a release...
the thought of her brings a blush to the cheeks.
Her mind, just engage her in discussion, you'll see...
Cupid's dart, through the heart, my memory serves;
I remember at first, I'd day dream, pretend to be hers.
She would tell me, "the slate's clean, no enemies here."
Then proceed to get me a beer, so empty, and clear.
Fate seems to want the companionship of freedom.
Compatible notions I reckon; this great feat,
the reins of the wagon embraced,
let this passion expose the suggestion
that the answer isn't peace because of hopeful inflection!
"I say we just do another," she spoke with an eagerness.
"I mean, we are just experiments in some cosmic Petri dish."

They say history repeats, but that's ridiculous to me.
Every morning I wake up, and within me I repeat,
"It's time to get rid of this disease."

[Just Write]

I missed this one.



Objective,
lol this was better than last weeks bro. I really liked the story and i felt you progressed it well and didn't rush it or lack amything anywhere. It was pretty predictable though and also had some flaws in the flow as well as spelling. I think you said adviced instead of advised but thats just me nit picking really and I do the same thing which kinda makes me a hypocrite huh? Hmmm. Anyways back to the piece. You have this dad who is trying to teach his kid about fighting for your freedom and wants to go to this rally to support the cause, cool. I think the first verse portrayed that well and was probably my favorite of the piece. What i didnt like is the abrupt introdyction of leo. Like i wish you would have said him, his son and friend leo went to the rally or something. It took me a second to connect "his friend" to being leo is all im saying. Lol the russian guy was awesome, really enjoyed that part. The rest way the very predictable part, and i got a whole underground slavery feel from it. I dunno




Sacrifice,
Hmmmm, deep. This was one of those joints you'd here in a poetry club on a friday night. A real soulful feel to it. Very poetic. What i got from this was someone fighting with himself and with his demons. He want to quit but he just can't kick the habit. Been there, strong verse. The second verse almost seemed like an entire different piece, like it was written seperate or at a different time, it was about a girl... idk. I don't see the connection here beaides the tie-in chorus right after. I don't know i just wish you would have either stuck with the first verse alone or made it longer on the subject change. It was just odd for me.


This battle is up in the air for me, you have a well told story with beginning, middle and ending vs. A very strong emotional piece about addiction and waking up before its to late, then the verse about a girl which leaves me confused.. idk, maybe im just not seeing it but im going to have to go with objective on the grounds of i think his related to the topic better

Mvgt=objective

[patrown]

objective - reads easy, great story, probably true. sounds true to me. believable anyway. oh holy shit you killed it. you really fucking killed it. nailed the topic head on. great story too, btw. really had my attention. i'm not sure if saying "yeeeeeet," is common in Spain, but it had an authentic feel to it. my only advice is to try and match up some sounds at end of lines in the beginnings of lines or perhaps throw in more multiples. although you were very to the point, it would just sound a little better. (i.e. vowel sounds and softer consants transition well)

sacrifice - siick. nice flow. definitely a song. real catchy, would sound very good recorded. really like how you rhymed atrophied will with after these pills. reads very smooth. you would have benefited from a little bit more coherence. weaving a kind of "revolution" theme throughout with word choices or phrase tones would have been more beneficial then chorus inclusion, as you chose.

/v objective - i think objective won this battle because he killed the topic. after that series of events, in the life of a revolutionary, i mean.. that kid will never forget his father saying that. it takes a good story teller to take it against a smooth piece like sacrifices, so this was a great match. thanks to both.

[oats]

On my phone so apologies for the brevity.

Objective you took a pretty literal angle of waking up in time to see an actual revolution. I liked the story, but there wasn't much to it for me. A little predictable, with no sticking point of insight or emotion that lingered with me.

Sac you took a more personal spin on revolution as a change of lifestyle, the revolution being kicking an addiction. I liked that angle more, and a lot of individual lines and ideas stuck out to me. On top of that, you had the better writing in terms of rhythm and rhyme schemes.

To me, sacrifice had the more interesting concept and more engaging writing, so he gets my vote.

[Zen]

Objective: I usually enjoy your writing but this to me seemed to be a little stale. The different lengths of each line also threw off the flow for me as I was reading it. Also, this verse seemed uninspired. I know you can do better than this.

Sacrifice: This was very interesting. Your writing carried along a unique idea nicely. Excellent use of multi's that allowed to be told instead of rhyming to rhyme which is what I do. Like a bawse.

V/Sacrifice

[Diode]

obj:

started off with very basic rhymes schemes. good job framing the story with the intro. you got a little more adventurous technically by the second verse, but still pretty safe. some word choice problems here and there. things are getting a little too sing-songy mechanically - try to avoid that in the future. you use "was" instead of "were" on more than one occasion. this probably related to being bilingual? tenses always screw up ESL speakers, so if that's the case, it's something to also focus on.

the story itself just kind of ended abruptly with no resolution other than to tie it up neatly into the quote you were given. i don't know if you hit the word limit or what, but i wanted more. you gave me a hero who feels it's his human duty to do anything to support this thing and he just goes and.. hangs out in a cave with his son.

alright.

--

sac:

They say history repeats, but that's ridiculous to me.
Every morning I wake up, and within me I repeat,
"It's time to get rid of this disease."

^ awesome. the tale of the victimized junkie has been told many times, but you really took the reader into the daily struggle here. throwing the love interest was a departure at first, then i quickly knew where it was going. there is nothing worse for an addict than a supporty system that feeds their addiction. knowing how that beer leads down the road to relapse made your reptition of the above verse at the closer perfect for me. not to mention this all goes back into the topic with the reader assuming the character is lost in this endless cycle and will never wake up. the reader is the one hoping he wakes up. heartstrings, man. feels!

this was one of my favorite reads in the AOWL, bar none. record this shit!

v/ sac

[zygote]

Objective began very well. Barcelona and that Catalonia region in general is known as a hotbed of anarcho-revolution throughout history, so it was very apt to set your revolutionary tale there. More could have been done in the beginning to set the scene for the revolution. These are the protagonists it would have been nice to give them some more motivation. You had a lot of ideas to draw from particularly actual history of Revolutionary Catalonia, where their motivations were mass killings, Franco, unemployment and a population full of laborers. You needed to show this kind of perfect storm, it's a big thing and you kind of just jumped into it. The protest scenes were described well and the main character was portrayed very sympathetically. I feel the story lacked a strong antagonist, perhaps a dictator-like figure would have been a good addition. In both history and in fiction (stories like 1984 etc) there is some individual, group or institution to focus the revolution against. Perhaps that is the biggest issue here. Sacrifice had a good discussion of relapse, incorporating the concept behind the word revolution to comment on the cyclical nature of substance use and relapse was great. Just like a revolution the wheel keeps on spinning but if it fails then it's back to how things were before. Perhaps even the last line with the mention of 'disease' is a nod to those kind of 12-step programs, it was all very well put together and thought out. Voting for Sacrifice.

[Ink]

Objective: I think you did the storytelling well. It seemed to slowly build up to a climax - but sadly there was none to be had. The way you ended it felt really weak, almost cheap, and the bulk of that feeling came from you basically using the topic as a line in your verse. You did a great job taking us on a journey, only to stop at a point where there was no scenic view, no monument or anything, and then say "alright this is it. lets turn around and go back." There was alot of potential that wasn't realized in this verse imo

sacrifice: This verse surprised me, in that after I just skimmed through it initially, I thought it'd be a topical without much more than some commentary on the topic.. You introduced us to your character well, drawing us into the perspective of a drugee. Your introduction to the female and how she leads him back down the path of drug abuse was smartly done. The verse read pretty slick as well..

vote: sacrifice. His take on the topic was more inventive and better constructed

[Rawn MD]

Objective - I liked your approach man, the story you told was fluid and captivating. The use of the actual topic, and how you intertwined it into the story worked out very nicely. I noticed a few grammatical errors, nothing major, and knowing that English aint ur first language im not going to discount you for them, bc truthfully they didnt hurt/help ur verse at all. As a whole the verse flowed pretty smoothly, and it seemed authentic enough to how something like this would occur. Nice verse...fuckin weird name choices though lol.

Sacrifice - Man, tbh this is my type of verse. Flow was very fluent and schemed nice af. The refrain that you used was dope too, and tied the topic in as best as it could. Your wordchoice was very well chose and bc of that you could feel the emotion. However, although I REALLY enjoyed the verse I felt that the approach to the topic may have been a little to abstract. Your refrain really did help a lot imo, but the personalizing of such a grand idea of a revolution, to that of an internal struggle just seemed to be to far of a stretch. I will say though you chose a good theme to attempt this with bc drug addiction to the addict is as consuming as a revolution to society. I really liked your verse bro, but i felt it didnt fit the topic AS WELL as objectives.

Def a unique match up though, and both verses were thoroughly enjoyable. Sacrifice i truly appreciate the risk attempted here too with the approach, but I genuinely feel objectives story captivated enough to pull it off.

Vote - Objective

[King Ra.]

Objective, I hope you continue to produce pieces like this because this was one of your better ones you've put together for some time. Outside of the solid rhyming and bit of inagery you sprinkled throughout, I thought you did a pretty good job telling the story. The incorporation of the topic in there was pretty cool, and so was the bit of dialogue thrown in there. While you could have expanded on the story deeper, what you managed to put together did the job. Very impressed. Sacrifice, it's been such a long time since I've read something from you, so it's great you're back at it in this league. You always have one of the better flows when you write and I'm certain it's because you do these in audio form as well. Topic wise, you had some very good lines which set the tone for your piece. The concept was very cool and the sort of hook repeating set a nice pace. I was really drawn in the beginning.

You both did a great job here. While Sacrifice did a very good in what he put together, I felt Objective really impressed me more with a very well written story which reeled me in from the jump. This isn't a knock on Fice, this came down to preference for me.

MVGT: Objective.

[Vulgar]

Objective - A strong showing from you, Objective. The beginning set the tone: father reiterates the quote to his son and the story sets off from there in cinematic fashion. Nice transitions from scene to scene. My two biggest qualms: meager characterization. I didn't feel like I knew anything about the father and his son, other than that they are caught up in this debacle. I know it's hard to fit a lot into the confines of a verse with a line limit. The beauty of it is that it can be done with strategic placement, which I believe you are capable of. My second qualm is your use of anarchy in a stereotypical way - I didn't really gain any new insights into anarchy, and a story like this is a great opportunity to impart some new or personal conceptual view to the reader. Either you held back your true opinion or you consciously chose to go with a blank canvas. Overall, you are getting better.

Sacrifice - Cool take on drug addiction. It was introspective, written with longing. The reasoning behind the body and mind's rebellion against invasive substances responsible for ransacking sacred territory. I can't tell if the woman at the end is represented by something or it's an actual female entity. The feminine presence could stand for the sweetness of peer pressure's results. The rhyme schemes were impressive.

Gotta go with Sacrifice.

[Frank]

Voting from phone. Please pardon the brevity of this last minute vote.

Battle came down to cohesion for me. A linear idea/theme/vibe running through the piece in correlation to the topic. Sacrifice had the better ideas but the structure did not sit right. The ideas although more articulate/ interesting, the formatting took the back seat to Objectives solid consistency.

Tortoise vs the hare type of battle

Vote to Objective

[e11even]

This would have been my third.