Heaven on Earth

[Mike Wrecka]

when were apart, life is dark, just a black abyss,
from the start, had my heart, feelin fabulous/
the catalyst, cupids dart, sharp and accurate,
as we embrace, face to face, a fantastic bliss/
when were together, life is better, heres the astounding proof,
our love will last forever, its the fountain of youth/
reach new heights, set our sights, on a mountain of truth,
life has ups, downs, all arounds and a thousand loops/
we can make it, more than basic, no profound excuse,
so im thankful things are tranquil, like the sound of flutes/
now were winning, the beginning, can be found in roots,
the seeds that we planted, have grown into a surrounding group/
this is the fam, take my hand, that's the magnetism of lovers,
our eyes meet, feel complete, as my vision discovers/
an excellent testament within a prism of colors,
aura like an angel in a fable, my heart instantly flutters/
lets make a leap of faith, and escape any commotion,
and dive into, not a book, but a tropical ocean/
while everyone else is focused, on being hopeless, hopin,
that the pearly gates await, and will someday open/
were livin life to the fullest, fulfilling our dreams,
heaven is on a place called earth, that's what happiness brings/
theres no equal, to seeing an eagle, flapping its wings,
as we back pack and continue, mapping these themes/
so the hell with a church, we don't need to search,
got a stream of consciousness that quenches our thirst/

[Zen]

Mike Wrecka: I gotta be honest with you I really enjoyed your verse this week Mike. Terrific story of love between a husband of wife finding heaven here on earth. Your rhyming was impeccable as it is every week but the only bad thing I see about this is the piece is too short imo. I think with a longer piece you could have had a better chance of beating zy this week, as what you wrote was beautiful but wasn't enough.
I stand by that lol.
The emotion behind this piece is really what made it stand out to be honest. The rhyme scheme was simple but the words felt truthful which in turn made this piece powerful. One of my favorite drops from you man.

[Just Write]

i loved this in the awol and i love it here, your very good at telling conversational stories that make a.reader not feel as if he/she is reading a 1,2,3..1,2,3 piece. you have a very natural flow to it. i respect the love you have for your wife man. this isnt the first love piece ive seen you write and mention her. im a sucker for love poetry which i know most people hate but ive had a few bad experiences in that area so i gravitate more towards that depressive emo type love poems lol. cant help it, thats just what comes out. anyways man ill try to come back to this sometime when im not on my phone and break down some faves and quotables. stay up bro. peace

[God Of War]

this was cool nike, it had the content and the flow of course, but the best thing bout it i think is it had a good feel vibe to it. its always great when a piece has a good feel vibe cuz there is so much depressing stuff and serious stuff getting wrote which is dope but it just leaves the lack of what this piece does


really nice man, props

[Rawn M.D.]

This was nice, yeah some of it rhymed a bit simple, but it was schemed real well and addressed complex feelings. Also it was uplifting, and felt like a breath of fresh air, which was dope. Your word choice also conveyed real emotion, and held the same type of tone too. Flow was on point throughout, and this was a nice read. Very enjoyable.

Fav Lines - "now were winning, the beginning, can be found in roots,
the seeds that we planted, have grown into a surrounding group/"

keep at it man.

[Certain]

This was OK. The rhymes were plentiful, but they felt formulaic. The commas got in the way of smoothness. Commas are not meant to indicate pauses; they are used to break up thoughts and lists and phrases. The glut of them in this verse made it more difficult to read. Trust your readers to pick up rhymes on their own. Most of us aren't idiots, and fuck the ones who are.

The content was really vague. You had a few interesting visual concepts but never actually bothered discussing the woman herself, instead focusing on clichés and metaphors. That made the entire piece feel generic.

Others are right that it's a nice change of pace to read a happy verse. But the reason most art is more dissonant is because it's more interesting. You have to work hard to make a happy story seem as interesting as a sad or angry one, focusing on the original and unique aspects of the story.