Week 3: Frank (2-0) vs. Ink (2-0) \\ Frank wins 6-4

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=58003).

Topics this week are available for your choosing here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=58004).

Good luck, Frank and Ink.

[Frank]

I walked out my front door Monday morning to the sight of a mythical creature -
Reaching for the newspaper: dampened in dew: ink eligible to the typical reader.
it had a quizzical demeanor - stepping toward the grass that turned nutritionally greener
Its subliminally physical features - invisible to the neighbors, a kind of visual ether
Unequivocally discreeter: the winter season fades into spring, the hue of its unclear.
It's March, and im going to my fifth funeral of the year.
The grass brushes my black shoes into a dewy, sheer: luminous pair.
I walk towards the mythical creature, in a suit, with a sneer
Lucifer appeared and I woke up in an alley and realize I'm in London.
The last thing I remember I was in New York.
Dandelions bludgeoned.
Spontaneous human combustion. I hear the sirens coming.
I try to hide but I'm abducted. Enlightened. Shrunken. Up inside the conundrum
- liposuction.
The riot dysfunctions - The giant robot is walking down the street -
Killing people, and blowing up storefronts, like that shit is legal.
It stomps down on jeeps, crushing to smithereens, steeples,
Shouting nouns of bleeps: drilling evil sounds of speech into the crowd drowning out in beeps.
My Ms. Is in the fetal. We met online dating.
"What's your favorite movie?"
"What's YOUR favorite movie?"
'"I asked you first'" - all 6th grade and cutesy.
We bonded relating truly. Sharing similar tastes in everythang from glade to smoothies.
It was great until she became kooky, and I had to break up with her under some strange moonbeam.
Guns banging in the boonies, The drums never stop beating in your head
Everywhere you go, you hear the drums and sound of feet being mislead
The sequence of events repeats; repeating, the scene repeats at a speed that's intense.
Freeze on the fence as the mythical creature reads - reaching for his specks.
I gweet tow vonna veeeop winna finnah veeeep
Vinta whenta sivva sscheew innta bleeeeep
Wizah woka reeet ka ka kina tweeeek
I had just lost the ability to speak in utter disbelief.
I see my mother in bed with a man who is not my father.
Is this a dream? She lights incense that eases knots in Chakras.
This is serene but somber, disturbing the peace, Bombers
Obama's impeached, Monsters. Lurking beneath squalor
Earth has unleashed the martyr.
Animals leave town at an unheard of rate,
Birds, squirrels, rabbits and even insects are migrating - great herds
Hurling from space -- some kind of spaceship - blurring straight- -
For us - the curtain is draped: lights out! As the serpent awakes...
I smell burning and space out: intergalactic appointment with the planets adjoint.
You're 13 years old and hanging out with your friends when someone passes you a joint.

[Ink]

Topic: A giant robot is walking down the street, killing people and blowing up storefronts.

When Natural Habitat Was


The explosions are so loud I can feel them in my chest
I caress my child against my breast and forfeit all the rest
Our masks pressed to filter breaths, spiraling from our nest
The vertigo shadows the shrapnel that sings through the forest
I've never known fire to roar or felt asphalt mold to my feet
Dampening the stampede of burnt flesh tumbling down the street
And the screams that aren't generous enough to be deafening
Reverberate through my head and carve caves into my dreams
The smoke chokes my eyes until my vision cannot breathe
Disoriented steps scrape the ground, feeling for braille to read
And then I fall... From my hands my son is thrown...
One scream blares over the others, I realize it's my own
A mad dash against the storm, the crash of hooves is nothing
Though they pound against my body, bleeding hands keep searching
Where is my son?! I feel around, finding only gravel and twigs
The hiss of a snake fizzles out, and then the napalm hits
Burns the oxygen from the air, steaks scramble on the frying pan
Trying to escape ground zero, flesh melting off my hands
And then I found him, cuddled with a blanket of red tongues
My tears boil as they come, sharp breaths cut deflated lungs
I can't move... In a foreign place, someone pulls me away
His beautiful eyes, replaced with holes that are crescent shaped
His skin resembled a mix of oatmeal and cocoa frosted flakes
That was his favorite cereal, he loved how the milk would change
Everybody loved his smile, but now he's missing teeth
A set of cracked piano keys with the sharps and flats between
Distant squeeze of my shoulders, several sturdy shakes...
"Snap out of it man, we need to move, it's coming our way"
His limbs were bent in ways that rivaled the twists of crazy straws
Fractured bones piercing skin, an empty tent a tornado caught
"Leave him behind, we can't carry him, we did what we could"
The robot gets closer, a hulking lumberjack, metallic brute
And it gets closer... and closer... and closer to me
And once it's close enough... He will return to me

[timeless]

frank, Lol I took some time in the beginning of the week to take on the same approach you took. I wrote ten lines and scapped it. This was dope though. All of the topics certain provided were begging to be used in one storyline, and im glad someone did it. The ending was perfect for it all as well. As for the writing, nothing to pick at really besides the flow in a couple spots, but thats a given in usually any verse ill read. Good shit dude.

Ink, even after a couple of reads I couldnt get into this tbh. Nothing made me say "that was dope" or quite jumped off the page to me. Your mechanics are decent. Sorry man dont have much else to say.

V. Frank

[Just Write]

Frank, tbh honest I respect the effort of trying to cram all the topics into one but imo it just didnt make sense. Like tbh I didnt know what the fuck you were writing about. I mean it sounded good and you are a hell of a writer, no doubt about it but I mean the story was just all bbc.co over the place. Again respect on using all topics and you mechanical approach but it just didnt do it for me this week and I pretty much always vote for you


Ink, I really dug the story man, very very sldescriptive. The beginning almost felt like the end of the childhood movie bambi haha well until the character dropped the baby. I loved the cereal line with the milk changing color too. The olny part I didnt like was the ending. I thought you could have closed it better but that just nitpicking.

Both great writers but surprisingly im going to go with ink on the one for a more complete, polished piece imo

Vote=ink

[Zen]

Frank: I wanted to try and do this as well but said fuck it. Of course you did it though and made it awesome. Excellent flow in this as always and the take on the topics was brilliant I thought.

Ink: The story of this was well written, and their write no glaring mistakes as far as the mechanics of the piece, but after just reading Frank's work that was extremely fast paced, it made this a seem like a much longer read than it should have been.

V/Frank

[Pinot Grij]

Frank, I see what you were after here, but it was really just a bunch of nonsense to me. Until the payoff in the last line, I just got the impression you were cramming all the topics into one because you were bored or something. It was just waaay too all over the place to follow and I had already given up on it by the time the last line was supposed to make everything fall into place.

Ink, a decent effort... I would never write in a way to put myself on the ground during a robot attack (as you can see by my approach to the same topic). But I liked it, I thought I would be turned off by the "ohhh, my suffering" type verse that we usually see, but I was pleasantly surprised by this. There were good elements, searching for the kid even at the risk of burning your own hands off, submitting to the fact that death is inevitable. It put me in the place of someone in a disaster movie that gets offed, as opposed to the hero.

Vote - Ink

[Adonis]

Frank - Disconencted Blurb of thoughts meant to read as such, but ironically there is just too much going on here. I notice all topics, but even that just are words placed in a verse covering up what is not truly a good topic of choice. I mean you wrote about a highschool kid seeing shit smoking for the first time. Not only un-original but I also didn't think it was done with your typical skill level. I know reading your shit over the seasons I come across the rare verse that I term whack, only about once a season. Good thing you got it out the way now. Only week one was bellow par as well, get that flame back nucka. I mean bitch.


Ink - The smoke chokes my eyes until my vision cannot breathe....I see what you did, but i still don't like word choices. I felt the emotion, and loved the imagery. Vivid and twisted, fairly descriptive and very effective. Enjoyed the ending as it showed the bond clearly. Solid verse brother. Not a top ten of yours, but better a lot of topicalists.


V/Ink

[YDK]

As much as I hate to say it I got Frank taking this because of his creativity.
ink you had a verse that was dope as fuck flowed well very descriptive and a ton of emotion but I absolutely hated the ending/last line lol Frank you had a dope verse using alot of topics I was wondering how you were gonna end it cuz it felt random like you putting too much in but the last lines and closing it with the only topic that even could pull it all together was awesome.
The real difference maker wit this battle was the closing and I felt you both had superb verses but one ended it and closed it all better.
My vote goes to frank

[Vulgar]

Frank - So weed is the scapegoat for all of these occurrences. My verse this week was terrible. Yours was lightly sprinkled with humor but I think you actually took the writing process seriously, at least until the third topic popped up. You bit off more than you can chew and it wasn't cohesive. The best parts were when you worded a line really well, but even the sum of those couldn't save it in my eyes.

Ink - This was slightly boring, couldn't get into it because it read like the bare skeleton of a disaster/apocalyptic short story. The bare essentials, comprised of basic prototypes. I felt like you didn't hit the accelerator at any time. It wasn't bad as a whole, just not liberating or full of passion that I know is in you as a writer.

Going with Frank here.

[King Ra.]

Frank, I'm gonna say this now to get it out the way, this is my VOTW. The fact you managed to use all of the topics and string them together perfectly was great. Your creativity really shined here along with great writing mechanics. While others feel it was very random and nonsensical, I really liked how you put this together ending it with what I believe would be the main theme you were going for, and imo, it worked very well. Ink, you too showed great writing mechanics but compared to your opponent, which you'd really have to had put together a really good story, your piece didnt really lure me in as much. You did a great job setting an emotional tone, but there were times where you strode away from it. I loved your descriptions, the imagery you painted was nice, but your story though written well just came off more generic-like/basic.

While Ink put together a piece that could win against others, his opponent Frank was just much overwhelming, writing wise but really for me, the creativity displayed is what swings things his direction. Nearly flawless execution.

MVGT: Frank.

[patrown]

frank - tbh, i didn't really feel statisfied with the body of it.
although an all inclusive verse is admirable, they weren't cohesive enough to paint a single picture i was satisfied with as a stand alone. .. kinda out there. pretty sick though. going to be a tough call cuz it sounded fucking great. favorite set..

Guns banging in the boonies, The drums never stop beating in your head
Everywhere you go, you hear the drums and sound of feet being mislead
The sequence of events repeats; repeating, the scene repeats at a speed that's intense.
Freeze on the fence as the mythical creature reads - reaching for his specks.

ink - evil set...
Where is my son?! I feel around, finding only gravel and twigs
The hiss of a snake fizzles out, and then the napalm hits
Burns the oxygen from the air, steaks scramble on the frying pan
Trying to escape ground zero, flesh melting off my hands

just hit hard. melted fresh and cereal.. mmmmm. nasty. built up to that point well. but you ended it in the air. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. lots of great stuff building up to an apex i'm not truly satisfied with. perhaps closer and return could have been matched up.. that would have really connected the dots, if you will........

/v ink - a little more coherent. this was a very tough call for me, but overall.. i felt like ink's piece was a little more complete. if Frank had reigned in the skills for a more solid plot, he would've won much easier. but ink made more sense to me, so he gets my vote. hard decision though. good battle, thanks to both.

[sacrifice]

frank: I was looking forward to diving into one of your pieces. Perhaps unfortunately it's this particular effort, and even though I think it's dope on many levels, there are a few issues I have. First of all, you use the word eligible, and maybe you mean legible? Not sure, but it does change the meaning of the line significantly. I'm also struggling with the sentence structure... in the first couple lines, reads like the newspaper has the quizzical demeanor; obviously you mean the mythical creature, but still, the period there upsets the narrative flow for me a bit. The first few lines have some of the most stretched and forced sounding rhymes I've seen in a while - now, don't take it harshly, because as good writers do, you have a way of making awkward language passable because of your formal/mechanical polished writing style. I loved the image of the grass turning greener as the creature approaches. So far, it looks like you're using the grass as a connective-device; the thing that brings the reader back to a coherent thought; because the verse truly reads like a character is passing through various dream-scenarios. The funny thing is, it's so easy to create an interpretation here that maybe you were going for. It's convenient for me to say something like, this piece is a tapestry of random "scenarios," probably made manifest through any number of altered psychological states and/or dreaming. What I love about this interpretation, is it allows your random-seeming firings to coexist next to one another, while also maintaining a kind of existence-in-a-vacuum, serving as isolated thoughts and images. Rhyming has a way of dictating meaning in cases like this, and the reader, if he/she so chooses, can enjoy the rhyming, and perhaps allow themselves their subjective interpretation. I'll stop before I get ahead of myself, but I really did enjoy this piece a lot, despite the shit up there^ that seems more negative than it is. I like to be critical of the better writers, because I would prefer the best writers tear my stuff apart in the same way. But yeah... dope shit. I've really liked everything you've presented thus far. (I plan on dropping some feedback on your verse that demolished me week 1. I think my verse was excellent, but you did a great job).

Ink: This was pretty cool. For the most part, I appreciated how you made the narrative progress using very chaotic descriptions, while not focusing so heavily on whether or not a robot was actually attacking... I'm glad you didn't spend any time on the robot itself, or whatever it is that is causing the disaster, but rather, the disaster is revealed through the various transitions by the narrator from experience to reflection; the ending was OK, but I can't see clearly what you're trying to imply. Returning to the child in death is a common enough trope, but it works because of the way the piece cascades toward destruction. "Reverberate through my head and carve caves in my dreams" was by far the sickest line in the piece. And in a lot of ways, that line describes the piece - these forceful events shaping the reality of a person experiencing first-hand first-order chaos. It speeds up and slows down in a lot of places, and really effectively in some places... like the italics toward the end, you really get an image of the camera, zooming down on the three, one motionless, the others scrambling in desperation, and thus the realization, both by the narrator and the people interested in maybe rescuing the narrator. Cool juxtaposition and assimilation effect conceptually. This is a difficult match to vote on, because there's frank, who is an excellent rhymer with a really polished writing style. This week's verse was really a show case of his imagination and his rhyme-intuition .. it's easy to see that he probably wrote it in a flurry. Ink on the other hand, isn't focused so much on complex rhyme schemes, and focuses more heavily on the way certain descriptive techniques drive the pace of the piece.

Vote: frank in a close battle.