Week 3: Just Write (2-0) vs. patrown (2-0) \\ Just Write wins 9-1

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=58003).

Topics this week are available for your choosing here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=58004).

Good luck, Just Write and patrown.

[Just Write]

So I just moved to this area, and I find Im Often alone
I have a New life, a new job, and an apartment home
Three locks on the door, (because you can never be too safe)
In fact im thinking about adding a padlock and industrial chain
Or get a dog, i hear they're great security, & comfort you in times of stress.
Lately i've been out of my groove, and my mood's been less than the best
Maybe it's the fact that my family is more than two thousand miles away
And these long distance bills are a bitch & becoming harder to pay.
At any rate im ready to get out there, find some ladies and mingle
It's been four hundred and twenty one days since i could last say I was single
Tina was such a bitch. that's my ex, she was fucking depressing,
Every ten minutes she was either calling or texting.
She wanted to know where i was, what I did, even what i was eating
couldn't jack off in my own bathroom. I feared she'd hear my heavy breathing
So one day I left while she was gone for the weekend, and never returned
But i Left her a note. Im not an asshole! I didnt want her becoming concerned.


It read, "Im sorry Tina, but this just isnt working out. It's really for the best
You're overbearing with your relationship routes, & you suck at sex
And even though what we had was special, it would have never worked
But I hope one day you find that person, that you truly deserve." - Sincerely yours
I kept staring over my shoulder as I wrote, hoping she wouldn't come home & find me.
Even though im a man, a woman with spite, could be quite frightening.
Her temper was terrifying, for a woman she packed a hell of a punch
And I couldn't hit her, so when she yelled I'd take a step back & run.
im so grateful to be out of that relationship. starting a brand new life & future
dad's been great too, he lent me a few grand for furniture & to buy a computer.
So now my living room is picture perfect, IKEA's most modern decore
From the paper machete light covers to the eco-friendly rug on the floor
But I feel something is missing, and fear im the type that needs a companion
Sometimes it's trippy, I think I miss all the bitching and excessive nagging
So i've decided to sign up to a few Social networking sites to try my luck
But I'm not desperate, so if I dont find a connection, i might find someone to fuck



First site I tried was Christiansmingle.com, what an outrageous experience
Those women aren't normal... they border insane and delirious
Im serious, this one girl said we could date through facetime or skype!
And she didnt want to meet me in person until our engagement night.
I know crazy right? Im not even one of those religious types
I just heard how faithful christians are, and the women make terrific wives.
But I got over that quick, I heard about some site called "plenty of fish"
Filled out they profile then posted up a couple of pics.
In less than five minutes my inbox said "1 new message", I was so excited
But it was just some spam mail about a function they had, and I was invited.
I decided to not go. I mean I dont know if I was ready for that
So instead I filled out the rest of my profile, I wrote my heading in caps
It said "NO EXPECTATIONS, I'M JUST LOOKING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME"
Logged off and set my phone ringers notifications to high
They have this cool little feature that will text your phone if you get a reply
And I send out a ton of messages.. yea, im a copy and paste kinda guy.



Later that night I noticed I recieved a few messages and was eager to check
But this IS online dating, i've learned you never get what you expect.
I had messages from three fat chicks, some spam and two transexual men
So right there I logged off of that site and never checked it again.
I moved onto the next site, zoosk, it measures compatability ratings
So I filled out a profile, and signed up for a section titled "instant dating"
It shows a list of patrons who already signed up, with their interests stated
No pics, but in the basics they insisted you try to make dinner arrangements.
I met this girl, username was angeleyes. Almost scary, her page was just like mine
Down to favorite movie being The Cable Guy, & listening to the legend Barry White
It showed our dating level in the mid 90's, which was very promising
And our lifestyle was at 100 percent, which I also found rather astonishing
I mean its really an oddity, to find someone who's basically meant for you
I looked through her bio, we even have the same taste for eccentric foods
Her profile said she just moved here as well, and was in need of friends
So I quickly typed up a greeting then immediately pressed send



It said "angel eyes, I like your profile and wondered if you would like to chat
From what I read we have a lot in common, & our compatibility's match."
She responded back with a "Hi, its nice to meet you, haha imagine that!"
Follwed by a winky face which instantly made me smile and laugh
I typed back, " I like your sense of humor, what made you move to these parts?"
She said, "needed a change, my last relationship was hard & left me with scars"
She said he left her one weekend without notice, just a "note of concern" on the shelf.
Then she told me how she hoped that loser would burn in the lake of hell
I sat back with a blank face...in disbelief, thinking this couldn't be real
Its gotta be a coincidence, i mean this is just waaaayyy too surreal
I was nervous yet giddy and didn't know exactly what to do
So I just typed it up simply..... "Tina is that you?"

[patrown]

i started posting on zoosk looking for a connection ,
and soon she posted back looking at my midsection,
its hectic, how wide i got,
but goddamn, she likes that alot,
into big dudes. yeah, i gotta improve..
so i went down to the coffee shop, starbucks,
met my love there, she was star struck,
not far from the pad, could french dip if i needed to,
she couldn't believe the truth,
so i lied and moved away INCH by INCH,
while she persistently clenched my arm,
telling me, "you're my good luck charm, don't leave me tonight.."
put her cell phone in a fat fold and proceeded to sigh,
lucky rabbits feet started retreating from sight,
and i started to repeat everything inside..
said.. "i wanna mount you on my wall like a buck,"
she said thats enough.. starting to roughly clench my neck,
fingers between the folds.. the love between us unfolded,
molding into every thing i hoped to dreamt to behold from a skinny wife,
she massaged my belly.. and i liked it inside,
exhaled from my button,
she inhaled the gassy wax like it was nothin..
left me huffin and puffin.. staring at a box of muffins..
sprinkles and chocolate, my eyes wrinkled , then softened..
just when i was gettin off..it.. turned into a vision of oprah,
munchin on okrah.. in the lands of jehovah,
my land rova got stuck in her crevice..
woke up disggruntled, cookin eggs and bacon for breakfast,
topped with some slim jims ,then its sent to the next of kin,
i try..to be large when nobody loves cellulite,
but she keeps callin my cell and i cant hang up despite..
an enlarged heart and discouraging farts after dinner,
she knows ima win her heart, backed up arteries departin seem,
like my sheer mass veers past her hearts dreams,
but i know i'm the one for her..
succumb to nerves.. on the highway of love, i start to swerve..
crash in doughnuts, blow nuts on her chin, shells of pistachios,
stashin droves of garlic cloves under my arm pits,
its not far its.. where i like to reside,
between my true love and a few dove bars,
is love hard? no.. can i shove hard? wont..
fuckin leaves me gaspin and thrashin in sweaty sheets..
mario andretti leaves.. like checkered flags for fat kids,
i flow and grab tits, get atlantic tuna,
spastic ruin my past thats fluid enlarges and every chance at nice bodies,
is my life bodied? no. can i thrive hardly prone?
know.. i wiggle against the pavement grazin my nipples off..
my fat wrinkles solve all my problems while the worlds revolvin

[timeless]

JW, 76 lines? Fml yo lol. Lets get started... First verse was cool, feel the jacking off line was insignificant. Christian mingle part had me dying, "i just heard how faithful christians were, and that they make terrific wives." I was half expecting that tina would make a comeback to the story in the end, and sure enough. Didnt really have much of an impact in the end for how long this was you know? Overall not bad, theres a few spots where some of the wording seems forced but thats hard not to do when in that storytelling mode. im sure someone will mention a vocab issue so ill leave it to them, personally, I could give a fuck less most of the time. Keep firing off these stories though, been good every week.

P, "i wanna mount you on my wall like a buck" looool. Flow was all over the place in the first 10lines or so. Ok, your whole approach to the topic was dope, makes me wanna put on that song cage put out "fat kids need an anthem." If this was concept vs. concept you wouldve taken this easily. However, judging by your rocky flow and weird wording, this was probably a quick thought penned down. Could tell you didnt know where you were going with the story you had. As funny as this could have been, and I appreciate some of the lines for sure, it just didnt read smoothly, and didnt leave me feeling satisfied.

Pretty easy vote, jw came with a lengthy and imo, an overly-detailed verse here, winding down to a predicted ending. I hate knowing whats going to happen..but it was really enjoyable. Lots of lines worth quoting, etc. patrown had too little detail to an outstanding approach he just didnt pull it off in the end.

V. Just write

[Mike Wrecka]

quick vote here guys sorry I burnt all my time reading


JW - sick verse man. it was a marathon but you needed every line. it flowed pretty well. just really sucked me in to the story I wanted to see what happened next. the ending was brilliant. best verse ive read so far this week by far

patrown - you had a solid showing. but you did everything that JW did just not as well. but overall good verse


once again sorry guys just pressed for time. props


vote - JW

[Zen]

JW: Why you gotta write so damn long lol. Don't get me wrong this was very good, but allot of these parts seemed very unnecessary. Then there's the ending, if Tina loved everything you did then why'd you leave nawmsayin? Or was she a crazy stalker bitch looking for him on dating sites? Probably the latter. Still this was a very good piece of writing. Nice.

Pat: Lol this shit was hilarious. The problem with it is that the writing was just sloppy throughout. I had to go back and reread some lines a couple of times to catch the flow. Had you tightened up on the writing mechanics you would have made this a much closer match.

V/JW

[Pinot Grij]

I like that these were the same topic and both went the comedic route. Dope showing from both.

Just Write, nice stuff, but goddaaaaaaamn that was long... even for me! I think you could've taken it down by at least 12 lines and still said everything you wanted to say. LMAO@ "You're overbearing with your relationship routes, & you suck at sex" ... there were some funny lines, the ChristianMingle section was the funniest. I felt a little burned by the ending, but there's nowhere it could really go given the topic. Nice stuff.

Patrown, you took the funnier angle with your piece, but I don't think you pulled it off as well. The writing was a little less crisp, I feel like you could fleshed (get it?) it out a bit more with a few details. Also, it went a little overboard with some of the shit... fuckin Atlantic tuna... man, that shit was out there. Pretty entertaining and funny, but I think JW just hit it better.

Vote for Just Write

[oats]

Just Write: lots to like about your verse. the foray through different dating sites was comical, and there were many individual instances of humor that were enjoyable. My main gripe was that the ending seemed a bit predictable, probably because that was the only route a story like this could have taken without being really lame. It did seem a bit long-winded on the whole, though the story needed us to get lost in the present action in order for the resurgence of the ex gf to be a surprise, so it wasn't unwarranted. Overall, this was a solid showing, nothing to get as excited about as last week's, but still a strong verse.

Patrown: I thought your idea was funnier off the bat - what guy can't relate to nights spent hogging for plump women out of desperation? My issue was really the writing itself. There were spots that I had a hard time attributing meaning to, and times when I had to really dig to find a rhyme or flow. There were also spots where the writing was good, with fun rhymes and distinct rhythm. Just inconsistent.


Vote: Just Write had a better verse overall, just a more polished effort.

[King Ra.]

Just Write, you wrote a very long drawn out piece and while it was written fairly well, it has its bumps. The negative about your story, much of it was highly unnecessary. Particularly the mid sections. Your descriptions are precise but it just was unneeded information. You honestly could use the opening stanza and I believe the last two and would have a great piece, but the length hurt you here than helped. Past that your writing was great, great detail and the story was rounded off well, interesting ending. patrown, you took the same route as JW but I think you didn't do as great a job as he did. There were parts that were good, and your piece is pretty funny, comedic, but there were a lot of times it reads bumpy, the rhyming wasn't too fluent. Storywise it was a tad too out of place. Your direction I would say was better than JW, and you probably could have taken this with a more better written piece.

patrown had a better concept here, but he lacked in many areas. Despite JWs extremely long piece, he takes this one with the more well rounded story, and great use of detail/descriptions.

MVGT: Just Write.

[sacrifice]

Just Write: Well, I'll start by saying, this was a lot longer than it had to be. It's a product of spending too much time setting up a scenario, only to have the scenario end, and a whole verse used to describe what are essentially transitions leading toward a predictable twist in the end. But there were many places where the piece made me smile... a lot of humor built in which made it a pretty fun read. No emphasis here on rhyming beyond the minimum required to make the story easy to follow. I haven't read much else from you, but there is a shallowness to your diction/word-choices that might make it difficult for you against more poetic/complex writers/rhymers. That being said, I still enjoyed your approach... I liked the scenario-driven approach, despite my criticisms above, because they each had their own charm. Ha. Good showing, fairly well developed and an OK written piece. Could use a lot of polish.

patrown: I have to say, I wasn't really feeling this one at all. You seemed to just find a convenient rhyme, then let that dictate where the piece went. Though, it is a comic-tragedy nonetheless; the lamentations of a fat man in various weird situations -- it rather felt like everything he sees is transformed into something to consume. The piece came across as very rushed in places; lots of poor grammar and spelling riddled throughout made it seem less and less like a legitimate story and more and more like a canvas for your to just blurb out random stuff, using the love-travails of a food addicted fat man as your thematic vessel. I can't say I enjoyed it very much; grotesque in some cases, random in others.

vote: Just Write - Overall, a much better approach to the topic, better executed, coherent, a twist at the end.

[Ink]

Just Write: The start of this verse was cool, and in general there was a laid-back demeanor to the piece. "They have this cool little feature that will text your phone if you get a reply
And I send out a ton of messages.. yea, im a copy and paste kinda guy." was hilarious.. The read was smooth, but the lasts stanza was notably weaker than the others imo.

Patrown: The verse was hilarious, but it seemed like you weren't able to spend much time on the verse this week.. The writing was inconsistent and generally not at the level that I've come to expect from you.. But - getting a land rover stuck in Oprah's crevice? what the fuck. rofl... The idea behind the verse was nice, but the execution just wasn't there this week.

Vote: Just Write for a better verse overall

[dyedinthewool]

I can’t with you both LOL. This battle was funny to say the least.

JW do those sites exist? LOL I think you tackled your topic head on and your concept was clever in the beginning and in the end. While you managed to get your point across, I do not think this many lines was necessary. I got bored in the middle. Your mechanics are okay here and seem to be a bit more polished than that of your opponents. Tina pulled a fast one.


Patrown- youre a crazy mother fucker lol. I couldn’t believe half the shit you had me reading lol. Your piece has humor, fantasy and fetish I suppose LOL, however I feel that your introduction could have been a bit more centered about your topic with details to follow. You kind of dove right into the plot of your piece without dwelling too much on the scaffolding of it so to speak? I also feel your flow is not that polished like your opponents.

For enjoyment, patrown did good but my vote ultimately goes to

Just write for an overall more grounded piece.

[e11even]

JW- this was great. It was fucking long (like my old shit) but it was great. I think in a few places the lines were too long to make the rhymes work seamlessly, but the overall piece was pretty entertaining. I dug how specific and descriptive it was. Just a normal guy telling his story the normal way. Not the insane rap phenom that overly rhymes and schemes every line and stanza. Good work and I liked how it ended. Good work bro. You are a very solid topic dropper lol. Srs.

Patrown- i don't know what I just read. I just know it was fucking hilarious. The first half was clunky, but the whole piece was really. The story missed a few descriptive and transitional devices and the rhyming was very jumpy til after about half way through. As a whole though, the imagery w as s golden and the internal fight with love and superficial satisfaction was awesome. I felt this on a deeper note than the display suggested. I think if everyone had a shallow hal moment in life they'd appreciate this as much as I did. You kind of abandoned conformity in structure and rhyme style for a good portion of this, but I can appreciate the cantor and humor you brought to this. Good job.

MVGT pat for an overall more enjoyable piece despite its sloppiness.