AOWL Week 10: nO goOd! (0-1) VS. Just Write (0-2) [JUST WRITE WINS, 6-3.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/23 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/24 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC:

"The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on."- Ulysses S. Grant.


Good luck to both participants.

[Dove Dozer]

pick up your poison pen, or grab a gat, however you bust like..
Call all your boys in, for the aftermath. This one's for Just Write..

Good luck Bro

[Just Write]

necks snapped and leave an asophagus bleeding
this is a death trap for these incestuous heathens

idk.. lol g'l bro.. for they record they did us dirty on the matchup but gave the perfect topic for us lol

[Just Write]

R.I.P. this is in memory of Johnny "blaze" Haze, Sammy "big dog" Watson, and my brother from different mother Jesse "Mc'Scoots" McCalister.


it was cold and wretched. war takes a toll on a man; makes him look old and decrepit
on your toes every second, never knowing when to depend on a soldiers defences.
many have fallen into a mode of depression with no control of their senses,
numbness consumes them till all their emotions unfold and are rendered defenseless
killing machines; autonomous confections. military brutes; no calming consensus..
this is an ode to the "unknown groups", for I will never forget them...
i owe it to these youth's to compile the truths of my fallen brethren.

HOORAH!!!!.. to our blessed saviour,... ah'men.



I was barely twenty the first time i met with my troops and leiutenent.
i remember his first 22 words, he told us " you're all fuckin useless, forget it.
i bet half of your asses wont last, you're all just too stupid; pathetic".
Started to laugh & ended up doing some pushups (been there fewer than seconds)
the men ive met were proven to be the best, extended from fort lewis to texas
reports excluded the facts that most who eluded iraq were simply rejected.
for those elected stepped into a unity, somewhat like a family connection
gratuity expressed one to another, to me it was truly beauty's reflection.


from the first day i stepped in that aluminum hanger my views became stranger
I concluded that this was due to all the confusion and unusual danger
asked myself is it delusions or is this their usual behaviour; it's incluclusive to date.
shamelessness fueled by anger & hate (imagine satanists rebuking your saviour)
caught in a rumination, it became illuminated that I'd be digging some graves here
i swear still to this day i can say i never knew a group of men any braver.
this was the same year i made my final decision to try my eyes at a sniper position
with a rifle i had stifling precision, could take out a guy within a mile of distance
but that was only in training, to be be perfectly honest i was anxious to kill a man
would i get a thrill from the act? or reveal the fact im just too human for that?
weeks later there was a sudden attack, me & two guys eating lunch in the back
unaware i left my gun in the camp, i started running, almost had a panic attack
tbh my hearts never raced in such a way where i thought it would expose it's self
felt like the valley of the shadow of death, (just with no god on the road to help)
when i stepped to the edge of the mountain top I fumbled to set up the mount & prop
never accounted for the many thoughts i would think about until the time I shot..


I let off with persistence & didnt stop for an instant. seen him drop in the distance
blood splattered the ground, like how boston did after they were crossing the finish
hopping in trenches, holding on for dear life with a gun cocked in my clenched fist,
surely a sight. emotion: intense, instilling some fright yet almost a sense of delight
reminicing is a funny thing, it brings back many potent dreams of motionless nights
writing letters to lovers as we hold in the cries, & hope that we might go home alive
condolences to the never knowing bride who buried her groom before the baby arrived
and all those grave sites, with no names to equally place all ranks alike, side by side
if we didnt fight, we'd no longer be the home of the brave, but the home of the slaves
so i never feel bad about the terrorist pain or the fact I cant remember how many ive slain
there's more to gain with protective our land than your simple ears can recieve,
i laugh at the threads in the disccusion board and chyeeaahh's conspiricy schemes
open your mind you might see more than a cloak & disguise pulled over your eyes
unrelenting raw emotions broken down, focused & potently placed in these line
in time ill break down intimate ties between our military government & political bribes,
but for now all i can say is now matter HOW MANY IT TAKES!! these states are my family...

...and i kill for mine.

[Dove Dozer]

For those who fought and died

I remember the training tapes playing em over in loops..
Then in November it rained for days, i was a soldier in boots..
no longer an individual.. and speaking my mind..
I was a piece of the green machine, away for weeks at a time..
the sarge yells "pain's only weakness leaving the body..
Tricking ya brain is the secret, no screamin for mommy..
Soldier up you dummies.. you volunteered for this..
You might be only twenty.. but you aint leavin here as kids..
I'll teach you how to survive when its damp and its wet
You'll realize that you're alive, ill make a man of you yet.."
We got off the bus. Chad and I the second and first..
Im not so tough but, had to try, expecting the worst..
Up at the crack of dawn running, i hate it the pace hurts..
so winded it wasnt funny, laying in the dirt...

face first..

-------------------

Finally finished this foul fucked up foolery,
known as basic training, so being a soldier aint new to me..
We grew together me and chad, brothers in arms..
Emotionally covered in scars, i was the youngest in charge..
I was the man of the platoon. Rest, fight, rest..
And got used the the commands.. "left, right, left..
The cadence engrained in me, sure to truely move me..
I moved and hadn't seen chad till my tour of duty..
on the ground for 3 weeks, so much catchin up to do,
Between different operations of blasting these fools..
Then one day... i could swear it was a damn hoax..
As i walked into the drama inside of the command post..
Corporal Johnson said we got hit, i lost it feelin nauseas
Then he said hey Dave, it was the EOD that bought it..
Then it started to sink in from the night before.
When chad told me he was movin out with EOD 4..
I lost my undercover brother from another mother..
I tried to sleep instead id weep, no speech i would stutter..
Years have now past and even though we lost and tried..
I'll keep a special place inside..

For those who fought and died.


Rest in peace my homie...
Corporal Chad O'Quinn
Fallen March 3rd 2009.

Never forgotten.

- the tattoo pictured below was one my homie had on his neck.
I had the same artist tat my saluting hand so every salute pays my respects
to my brother i lost in combat.

Hoorah my brother, youre finally at peace. *wipes tear*

[Inno]

read this battle earlier today...good stuff

JW

felt like you took me there. i dunno i felt like i was in the middle of the excitement of war.
the sounds and the lights flashing all around me..i felt that. i felt the pressure your character delt withcan i say i appreciate the way you madde your story relate to current events with your boston line i thought that was clever. great stuff tbh i mean it dragged just a tad towards the middle but your last part..was dope man really brought it to a cool space.


NG

this felt completely different from the last verse i read from you..this had a more poetic tone to it..felt more compact as far as the flow goes, but thats the short lines and all..great movement tho..you managed to draw a course through your words that i followed fairly easy..i mean great storyline progession, flow and transitions..ending was a bit weird but overall it fit..

overall

i think i got JW taking this..i thought his take on the subject was more impactful and becuase of the angle he chose to write his story in..it played much better in terms of who wrote to the topic better..who managed to bring something out of that qoute..and i felt like JW did that a bit better...great battle tbh.

[Zen]

Wowzer...This bes a good 'un fellas.
JW: Shit what can I say about this? You improve more with each verse no lie. Honestly I enjoyed the story and I felt like I was there when you met the lt. and I felt like I was there when you were being shot at, etc. You put the reader into the story very well and also showed how grim it was. The line that really stuck out to me was the valley of death line...Very nice. The whole piece had a serious tone but I laughed at the line about chyeahh lol. To your rhyme shceme, I think you've managed to find the style that suits you the most and have ran with it tbh. Great piece from you here.
NG: You brung out the short lines and it worked for you very well. This kind of felt like the old school hip hop songs that would tell a story you know what I mean? And as far as the story it was great. What made the story really work though was your wording and in some cases your humor. The line of layin in the dirt face first cracked me up lol. But all in all the ending was a sad one which always sucks...but thats life and you can't change it. In my opinion this may be the best writing of yours I've seen though. You two are progressing quick as hell. Props.

Overall I gotta go with JW on this one. Very good battle though.

[Red glare]

TOPIC:
"The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on."- Ulysses S. Grant.

No Good;
First verse reminds me of Forrest and Bubba talking on the recruiting bus in Forrest Gump, Except you really went through that so there is no comparison. The pace was good; you painted a vivid picture in minimal lines. The wording and the format on 'The face in the dirt' line was dope. Dope effect.
Second verse; Finally finished this foul fucked up foolery'' Tounge twister!
Rest, fight, rest/ left, right, left was fresh
The blasting these fools line was real.
And the nausious segment was well done.
The tribute at the end capped off a emotional verse. Journalistic and kept it moving. Good writing.

Just Write;
Wrote this from the same perspective making this a easy battle to judge but difficult as well. You took a more indepth approach with the same perspective, Giving a more thought to the characters thoughts. The rhyme schemes were off and on. But when they were on; it was dope. The eating lunch/panic attack part was crazy. Good attention to detail. The chea conspiracy line gave the piece a user friendly vibe. But 'I kill for mine' was blunt trauma. That is how you punctuate with an exclamation mark without having to.

Overall; This was a real battle you guys. Probably one of the realest battles you could read in a topical forum. I vote for Just Write. But it's easy to make a case for either writer. Tremendous representation. Nice work.

[ZeeDee]

Just write, excellent character development, which I find to be one of the most important elements of a story.... you built this character as a solider and built his experiences as a solider within the story.... descriptive and image filled portaits were painted with a pretty cool choice of words made this nice to read as the sniper character is developed... I was feeling this for the most part... nice writing

No good, this wqas a good concept to expqand on and this piece is just rough around the edges.... a friendship in boot camp and in the services is a concept that can have several character twists and you did that nicely as well with the combat at the end... your narration and flow didn't keep up with the story.. few more lines witth rhymes and maybe some graphics on the details since its war...... that would of been really nice to read....

Vote just write

[patrown]

I want to thank you both for serving in our country's armed forces, first and foremost. I feel like here is a most appropriate place to do so. Thank you.

JW - you're approach at the topic to me felt like, "I have done my duty and it still is with me today." one can't let the weight of past obligations take away from the fact they were met. the boston reference to me is troublesome. if foreign powers are to blame for the attack i see it's inclusion as relevant. however, at this point, i was just a little bit awestruck by your matter of fact simile. the acknowledgement that politics plays a huge role in death is of huge importance. the assertion that we belong to this country and do what it damn well takes to get our side of the job done, i respect and have no issues with. not that my opinion matters. i just want to let you know i agree with yours, which does. strong message. extremely strong message.

NG - I felt like you partially came to terms with the loss of a beloved friend here. i'm impressed that you were able to express what you did in these words. it's hard to share these things and i recognize that. I also thank you for sharing with us. extremely strong point that speaks for itself..
Tricking ya brain is the secret, no screamin for mommy..
all in all, you summed up a few things here. here, i feel like your past the war itself, or asking for help. here, you deal with the loss of someone who did both those things with you who gave their life for our country. that's real.

MVGT No Good. all mechanics and technicalities left alone, I felt more when i was finished with no goods piece so I am voting for him. good pieces from both here, they're truly polar opposite approaches and each has it's strong points. excellent battle.

[Just Write]

good shit patrown.. appreciate that as im sure no good does too

[Vulgar]

Just Write - Good verse, it felt very personal. How the narrative was spun didn't have the customary 'depressing battlefield' vibe to it, but it was more revealing on a day to day level. You talked about basic training and then transitioned to the main character's experiences in Iraq, being trained as a sniper and finally, having to use those skills in combat. I thought the rhyme scheme was satisfying the whole way through except for small spaces. The content: focused and refined based on true events I'm assuming. I can't say I agree with the political side of your perspective on the marines and the U.S. but I can understand your perspective as a soldier whose services were needed at that place and time; but for me, Iraq was an unjust, undeclared war that never should've happened.

No Good - Another heartfelt verse from a similar direction. You chose to go for shorter lines, a differing structure from your opponent who was heavy-handed throughout his verse. You came with a concise presentation, a story and a dedication to a lost member of the armed forces and a very close friend. I enjoyed reading it.

My vote goes to No Good. I just felt that he said what he had to say in a way that left me with a stronger sensation when I walked away from the battle.

[Objective]

Just Write: Well crafted verse with a rhyme structure that flowed well. Storyline was great but you went for an obvious route with the topic at hand. So with that in mind it wasn't really that creative/unique of a story to tell. However, everything else was dope and I don't got anything bad to say about the piece other than I'd like to see more out-of-the-box shit in terms of the topic given. All-in-all a solid verse that lacks a bit in the creativity department.

n0 g0od: You also went for the rather obvious route with the topical in mind. The story itself is great and speaks of a daily life a lot of us can't even fathom, the flow and structure was dope here as well. I'm going to say the same thing to you that I did to Just Write; All-in-all a solid verse that lacks a bit in the creativity department.

My Final Vote goes to Just Write. While both had great stories to tell one went more in depth than the other, and that was Just Write. n0 Go0D: Props for writing about something real that has happened to you (if it has), but I'm not sure if this is the place to post a verse like this, because when it comes to voting the authenticity of the verse or how personal it is to the writer means nothing to me and kinda takes away from the verse itself by adding notes about it on the bottom. It's most likely personal as fuck to you and I hate to base my feedback on your stuff in a battle like this as it would be completely different if I judged your piece alone. It might even sound harsh when I say that you're lacking in the creativity department, but fact of the matter is that you went for the obvious route in this battle, both of you did. Don't know if J.W.'s verse was some true shit as well, but if it was all of this applies to him as well.

[Cereal_Killa]

Mr Just’ice:

What a topic for you n “no good”.. man you killed this ish.. my your pov was amazing, direct with your vivid imagery and beautiful structure.. I loved the whole loss of weapon, I’m like shit dude that’s like admitting to sniffing strange girls panties lol.. yeh cant be caught without your weapon.. but nice nukka this was a cool piece..

No good:

Hey you guys really brought flames this week.. emotional and heart wrenching.. You simplified the vocab usage and multi structure for the fact you had to dig deep to push the right words out.. and it shows, you where clear and precise with a message of love, hope and remberance.. this was cool..

Vote = just write

How can you choice between two true stories of loss in life.. I went for Just write for the massive calamity that occurred within his story.. he set an entire scene with brutal imagery, lacing it with things soldiers generally keep secret about themselves and one another to outsiders.. so just for pushing the envelope that lil more I went with Write.. top notch tales guys..
r.i.p for all your buddies

[Mike Wrecka]

wow this was awesome. two soldiers writing about their real life experiences in the army. it felt like a documentary. would work as a collab really. almost doesn't seem right to try to pick one over the other but here I go.

just write - good work. the boot camp part really had a good flow and cadence. really the whole piece did. you had a very good use of inners in it. and the honesty was really refreshing. not sure how many soldiers would admit that they almost had a panic attack when they first saw some action. but that's what made it so real and enjoyable for me. really enjoyed reading it.

no good - ya another dope retelling of your experience. the flow wasn't as complex as just writes, but in its simplicity it almost makes it more spittable. so I think it would sound good. your piece brought out a bit more emotion within me. it was kinda depressing me at the end. which is powerful,meaning you brought out feelings in the reader. good shit.

very tough battle to vote on. very similar verses. I enjoyed reading them a lot and actually might re read them which I have never done.

vote - no good

I have no idea why, but his resonated with me a little more so he gets the slight edge here. props to both

[Dove Dozer]

For the record there is a lot of complexity in my piece here. Maybe the wording and vocab are midleading but there are whole lines that rhyme, inter bar rhymes, allieration, multi syllables through out.


Just saying.. NOT SWAYING..

[King Ra.]

JUST WRITE WINS, 6-3.