AOWL Week 10: Adonis (4-2) VS. ZeeDee (3-2) [ZEEDEE WINS, 7-0.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/23 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/24 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC:

"No man has ever yet been hanged for breaking the spirit of a law."
Grover Cleveland

Good luck to both participants.

[ZeeDee]

Okk...

[Adonis]

Condolences

Ext requested ;)

[ZeeDee]

ok.. ext granted...

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=5820

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=5813

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=5811

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=5808

[Adonis]

Topic: "No man has ever been hung for breaking the spirit of a law."
Grover Cleveland
Title: Ode for US


“I, Flesh of a nation, do solemnly swear, to uphold the law, whether just or unfair; Wrong or right, I vow to protect and fight, fore MY sovereign land IS MY heart... MY soul... MY hand!!!


We all have loved ones who we'd kill or die for,
Watch them suffer and assuredly we'd cry for,
Fore I'm more, a man, sure,
Only absolved of emotions,
Taught and not raised,
A slave with no chains,
A social experiment meant to bring forth change,
A ghost in the night, a blanket of death,
A light bringer, only flames egress breath,
Inhale oxygen – Exhale competence,
A leader I am, yet I follow a plan,
A man. A myth; a legend exists,
A protector whose praised for his devilish gifts.

You see;
I was born the same as most of you,
Hand smacked a cheek and screams ensued,
Only difference is, you were soothed by perky breasts,
While I was prepped for the diagnostics test,
Poked, probed and primed for provisions,
I'm not the first of my kind, just perfected precision.

As infants we're trained to run before crawl,
Educated in “arts and crafts” - Fisticuffs and sprawls,
Posses constructed gall, or die frail and young,
Develop lungs or succumb – Asphyxiated in the plunge,
Taught muscle tissue could wipe away all tears,
From the feeble people wrongfully considered our peers,
We sharpen wit with fists, equipped stainless,
The steel – Extension of the arm; the palm – Brainless,
No qualm with ending life because our lives, blameless,
We were molded until we only say, “Yes sir”!
Say jump, we leap. Protect the States for peace,
Ironic, the only piece we know sings a hymn, deceased,
They point, we shoot. That's the programming purpose,
Just following orders, and without them we're worthless,

You see;
I was brought into this world, much like most of you,
Only I'm never wrong, I do what I'm supposed to do,
The government's my heart, and I'll prevent clogs,
When anarchy occurs; well, we've all got jobs,
It just so happens you're mine,
My teacher holds chalk, and I outline,
I was raised and taught to protect,
But that fine line, isn't always...
Politically Correct.

[ZeeDee]

The Village People

Surrounded by smoke: blinded, confused with black clouds in my throat
Drowning, I choke: coughing, phlegm turns to ash that comes out like wet coal
Grounds have been soaked with several elements around all our homes
Fountains that glow wet fires through the air is what these cowards have thrown

Our towers and coves are bathing in flames over the sacred terrain
They're claiming their hate is done to cleanse our land of native mistakes
By erasing our fate and beating our women who are traded and raped
Only way to escape is through a trail of blood that's made to their graves
Weapons of axes, shotguns, some hatchets and several arrows and spears
Shadow the air before, raining death until the threshold is clear
Hundreds of soldiers running right over the dead ones laid on the surface
Like they had rehearsed this and even their dead bodies created a purpose
They raided and burned us while simultaneously making us worthless
We won't be slaves or their servants so instead they turn our space to a furnace

They say that we're lawless for disobeying their causes and righteous prospectives
I say they're frauds with pale faces, small lips and they're lying eyes are deceptive
When they first arrived to our section, peace was the lie they selected
Trying to hide their bad presence by giving answers before we supplied any questions
They tried to arrest us and put all of our strongest warriors in chains
Which forced us to take more action attacking and bring this war to their face
We built walls of field logs around our houses and farms
Said they aren't welcomed in, but wanted to do this without any harm
This compounded their charge; saying we're heathens for debating their reasons
And for us making this treason, they were forced to take reign of our regions
That's back talking nonsense with all their concepts twisted in webs of deceit
So at their treacherous meet, we met with axes that placed their heads at their feet
Their deaths are a treat for the planet to make good on bad things created
With red trails from their brains and hearts are streaming paths of their hatred
This maddened their patience in stealing our homes
to act with haste in killing our hopes
Including family, friends, pigs and our goats burned to be crisp examples
In their wicked panel of sickened vandals using excuses to take it
Infusing their wages with law and religion while they choose to be pagans
Whose declaration of independence is a written cruel imitation
Of rules we created to abide by for peace treaties used in our nations
Now red pools filled with faces in the mud is shoved in ditches deep
While children are kidnapped and brainwashed to fall in love with enemies
And this is all done within some peace, so called attempts to restructure the Earth
The spirit of their laws that comes from their church are only to punish and purge
Nothing unburned is done as a curse so there's no growth in its place
And this is shown and displayed to local young braves; massacred bones in big graves
At the entrance of our raptured village lies a tall oak tree that has sunk....
Deep into the ground from branches holding pounds of all our leaders they've hung
While teaching their young that we're the savages and beasts they don't want
And these lies become history, which only means that they won

Topic: "No man has ever been hung for breaking the spirit of a law."
Grover Cleveland

[Zen]

Adonis: Each piece I read of yours gives a great poetic vibe to it. Reading it makes it seem like you write this effortlessly. Amazing really. Anyway to this piece in particular pretty great story here. Children brainwashed into nationalism where the love of your country is even more important than your own family. Powerful stuff there. The ending was quite fitting as well as a way of saying "the job is you" basically saying that your friend could be your enemy in the next moment. Least that's how I took it. Great writing here I enjoyed this.
ZeeDee: Wow. Excellent. This seems like a Native American villager watching the Europeans come in and commit genocide because of their refusal to worship the church. Great storytelling here but more importantly I was impressed with your scheming in the second portion of this. You kinda sneak in rhymes on the readers that makes you have to go back and reread it lol. Talented stuff here and I really enjoyed this piece. Props.

I think this is the closest battle I've read so far and I think this one's gonna come down to the wire, but I gotta go with ZeeDee. This one can go either way though.

[IamBenT]

Close battle.

Adonis - My man, such poetic vibe and feel. I liked how you began this, it was a solid piece all the way, really liked the attention to details from the birth to the growing up and its a really chilling picture of what we can become with big Brother watching over our shoulders. Dope all around, only some parts did the wording seem awkward.

We sharpen wit with fists, equipped stainless,
The steel – Extension of the arm; the palm – Brainless,
No qualm with ending life because our lives, blameless,
We were molded until we only say, “Yes sir”!

Dope, loved all of this here, the tension, the word choice, and the smooth flawless rhyming.

ZeeDee - Holy shit you did not disappoint at all. Killer flow, only a few wording places where I feel if you cut out a word or two it would have made the shit work even tighter, but its just so ambitious in places and really becomes hot fire throughout. So much fun to read and you do such a great job in setting up image after image in an impactful way. So far this Zy's and RG's verses are in contention for my VOTW. Fantastic.

Our towers and coves are bathing in flames over the sacred terrain
They're claiming their hate is done to cleanse our land of native mistakes
By erasing our fate and beating our women who are traded and raped
Only way to escape is through a trail of blood that's made to their graves

Just wow lyricism right here

At the entrance of our raptured village lies a tall oak tree that has sunk....
Deep into the ground from branches holding pounds of all our leaders they've hung

Chillingly dope

Great battle, gonna be close.

Vote -ZeeDee came with that fire and powerful execution against a solid Adonis verse.

[Just Write]

adonis

We all have loved ones who we'd kill or die for,
Watch them suffer and assuredly we'd cry for,
Fore I'm more, a man, sure,
Only absolved of emotions,
Taught and not raised,
A slave with no chains,
A social experiment meant to bring forth change,
A ghost in the night, a blanket of death,
A light bringer, only flames egress breath,
Inhale oxygen – Exhale competence,
A leader I am, yet I follow a plan,
A man. A myth; a legend exists,
A protector whose praised for his devilish gifts.


kinda hiccuped through this a little but i definitely enjoyed it


You see;
I was born the same as most of you,
Hand smacked a cheek and screams ensued,
Only difference is, you were soothed by perky breasts,
While I was prepped for the diagnostics test,
Poked, probed and primed for provisions,
I'm not the first of my kind, just perfected precision.

As infants we're trained to run before crawl,
Educated in “arts and crafts” - Fisticuffs and sprawls,

now think might have been just for rhyme but who teaches a kid to run before crawling? just doesnt make sense, enjoyed the lines previous to that one


Posses constructed gall, or die frail and young,
Develop lungs or succumb – Asphyxiated in the plunge,
Taught muscle tissue could wipe away all tears,
From the feeble people wrongfully considered our peers,
We sharpen wit with fists, equipped stainless,
The steel – Extension of the arm; the palm – Brainless,

didnt like this part

No qualm with ending life because our lives, blameless,
We were molded until we only say, “Yes sir”!
Say jump, we leap. Protect the States for peace,
Ironic, the only piece we know sings a hymn, deceased,
They point, we shoot. That's the programming purpose,
Just following orders, and without them we're worthless,

true shit


You see;
I was brought into this world, much like most of you,
Only I'm never wrong, I do what I'm supposed to do,
The government's my heart, and I'll prevent clogs,
When anarchy occurs; well, we've all got jobs,
It just so happens you're mine,
My teacher holds chalk, and I outline,
I was raised and taught to protect,
But that fine line, isn't always...
Politically Correct.


enjoyed this closer


overall this was decennt, i personally didnt connect with it but different strokes for different folks right?




zeedee

Surrounded by smoke: blinded, confused with black clouds in my throat
Drowning, I choke: coughing, phlegm turns to ash that comes out like wet coal
Grounds have been soaked with several elements around all our homes
Fountains that glow wet fires through the air is what these cowards have thrown

dope visuals my dude, almost hocked a lugy across my room lol

Our towers and coves are bathing in flames over the sacred terrain
They're claiming their hate is done to cleanse our land of native mistakes
By erasing our fate and beating our women who are traded and raped
Only way to escape is through a trail of blood that's made to their graves
Weapons of axes, shotguns, some hatchets and several arrows and spears
Shadow the air before, raining death until the threshold is clear
Hundreds of soldiers running right over the dead ones laid on the surface
Like they had rehearsed this and even their dead bodies created a purpose
They raided and burned us while simultaneously making us worthless
We won't be slaves or their servants so instead they turn our space to a furnace

yea man this was pretty powerful, the trail of blood line was fire and the soldiers running over dead ones, i can relate.. it's a weird feeling when you step over the dead body of someone you were eating breakfast with that morning


They say that we're lawless for disobeying their causes and righteous prospectives
I say they're frauds with pale faces, small lips and they're lying eyes are deceptive
When they first arrived to our section, peace was the lie they selected
Trying to hide their bad presence by giving answers before we supplied any questions


ok im really not trying to stop every few lines and say something but this section above was on point, so powerful and still flowed beautifully


They tried to arrest us and put all of our strongest warriors in chains
Which forced us to take more action attacking and bring this war to their face
We built walls of field logs around our houses and farms
Said they aren't welcomed in, but wanted to do this without any harm
This compounded their charge; saying we're heathens for debating their reasons
And for us making this treason, they were forced to take reign of our regions
That's back talking nonsense with all their concepts twisted in webs of deceit
So at their treacherous meet, we met with axes that placed their heads at their feet
Their deaths are a treat for the planet to make good on bad things created
With red trails from their brains and hearts are streaming paths of their hatred

these last few lines seemed a little cluttered, had a hard time saying this out loaud, could be me.. still

This maddened their patience in stealing our homes
to act with haste in killing our hopes
Including family, friends, pigs and our goats burned to be crisp examples
In their wicked panel of sickened vandals using excuses to take it
Infusing their wages with law and religion while they choose to be pagans
Whose declaration of independence is a written cruel imitation
Of rules we created to abide by for peace treaties used in our nations
Now red pools filled with faces in the mud is shoved in ditches deep
While children are kidnapped and brainwashed to fall in love with enemies

this last line hit me, all those bullshit kidnap stories of where someone raises their kidnapee is fucking ridiculous to me

And this is all done within some peace, so called attempts to restructure the Earth
The spirit of their laws that comes from their church are only to punish and purge
Nothing unburned is done as a curse so there's no growth in its place
And this is shown and displayed to local young braves; massacred bones in big graves
At the entrance of our raptured village lies a tall oak tree that has sunk....
Deep into the ground from branches holding pounds of all our leaders they've hung
While teaching their young that we're the savages and beasts they don't want
And these lies become history, which only means that they won

Nice way to end this bro


all in all i was very impressed with this, i think this is the first thing ive read from you, i enjoyed it very much man. stories are great and everything but i really enjoy when someone takes an alternate route and talks about something thats relevant and speaks on real life issues. kudos
mvgtZeeDee
what a weird fucking name though

[Mike Wrecka]

yes very cool battle here.

Adonis - I hated the beginning sequence tbh. but I know what you were going for. it was very poetic but just didn't flow well enough for my taste. after that first stanza it really picked up. I enjoyed it thoroughly. was a good over view of a soldier and how they are brain washed, which really happens. that's what I took from it and you did a very good job with this piece.

zee dee - it was a very in depth story about the native americans fighting for their land and survival. you took your time with the story telling. which is something I have trouble doing sometimes, I cant drag shit out to this length and keep it entertaining. but u did. good work. flow and structure wasn't outstanding, but it was adequate, the word selection was top notch.

ya very close battle. hard to decide but I gotta go with the more entertaining verse and that was

vote- zee dee


I really liked both verses. good job guys. thanks for the reads

[Just Write]

I, Flesh of a nation, do solemnly swear, to uphold the law, whether just or unfair; Wrong or right, I vow to protect and fight, fore MY sovereign land IS MY heart... MY soul... MY hand!!!

that right there nucca.... fire!

[Cereal_Killa]

Adon:

this was cool man.. I’ve been thinking on covering a verse somewhat like this and truthfully I enjoyed what you did with it.. good use of the topic.. ok so to me your wordplay though comical, was dry, sarcastic almost sickening as if the writer knew whole heartedly what he was doing was wrong.. but makes this convoluted joint of limericks about it to get by.. to me he is a solider within war lying at night in his bunk trying to laugh off his own regrets.. Man vocab was cool, structure – rhythm all cool.. dope piece dude :)

Zee:

You got imagery out the arse my friend.. that ish is insane.. wow holy shit, your structure as far as syllable counts and what not.. you didn’t miss a beat, shit you flowed this like a monster.. vocab was hot too.. most lines hit for me, then there were some that done punched me square in the face lol.. closing bar was amazing.. nice drop..

Vote = zeedee

To me it wasn’t zee’s flawless structure that won this, its kinda like putting the film direction of “citizen kane” against “full metal jacket” one has to be sketchy and raw whilst the other seamlessly smooth.. due to characters and the voice of those characters.. which you both unbelievably suited your character..
What swayed me on this was simply zeedee final bar, it was a direct hit that no reader could duck or run from.. Its just BAM.. and I loved that.. dope match guys, you boys killed it..

[Vulgar]

Adonis - Something about the way this developed as a piece with a message was needlessly dull, like I knew there was life to the words but it came out pale and uninspired to me. That is, until the ending sequence which I felt was well played and saved the piece. It could just be how I read it, or the fact that I read two military themed verses this week and this is the third... either way, it was written in sly fashion with good instincts. You find a way to say average things in original ways, not to mention giving it a hip hop element. I'd like to see a bit more imagery from you - this is again just my taste preference. I'm seeing a lot of general overviews when there's tons of room for rejuvinating examples pertinent to the topic at hand.

Zeedee - I feel as though you should consider taking a more ambitious direction with your diction, like bring more diverse word usage into the equation, because your verse already has the essential ingredients to aid the reader in their quest. I also think that you can enhance that by taking a few more risks, like adding more of a personal touch, naming these places and locations, giving us a flashback, or an overarching theme floating in the foreground waiting to be tapped into. The first two stanzas were fire and I was confident I was going to vote for you. The pacing was fluent, no real issues there with the flow, which was solid 90% of the time. A few bars had forced flow for the sake of maintaining a multi but didn't do anything to hurt the verse's progression. Overall I liked it, but the ending line didn't leave me with a strong impression IMO:

"And these lies become history, which only means that they won"

'which only means that they won' was ehh to me. Wasn't up to the standard of the beginning.

Vote - Zeedee

[Objective]

Adonis: Kinda straight to the point, no if's or but's. Keeps it on topic throughout. Decent peace but nothing that really led me to the ''wow''-factor, kinda heard most of what you said before just with different words. The last stanza was the best tho', wrapped it all up and left me with a good impression. Solid piece, but nothing mindblowing other than ''nods'' and ''yeah, I agree''. That's totally fine but it would be cool to see you go all-out on something rather than writing something ''safe''.

ZeeDee: Great storytelling and imagery. The flow was fluent and I managed to read through it all without any pauses etc., I liked the structure and the transitions from one line to another were smooth. The conclusion of your verse was pretty cool as well. I think one of the main reasons I liked your verse is because I've spent whatever free time I got the past days to watch Hell on Wheels so it helped me getting drawn into the atmosphere you were trying to make. The conclusion/last lines left an even sour taste of ''humans fucking suck sometimes..''. Very well written throughout and the topic was on point as well.

Vote: Adonis had a pretty good verse but I think ZeeDee got this without doubt when it comes to consistency, flow, conclusion and execution of the topic at hand. Cool battle.

[King Ra.]

ZEEDEE WINS, 7-0.