Edge of Heaven

[Soulstice]

Edge Of Heaven

Walls of shined marble reflect the perfectly elegant vista
See the ghostly image of Romanesque emerald steeples
Citizens exit in sequence - draped in crimson and gold
Each a brilliant artisan marching, neck-deep in scriptures and scrolls
They retreat to towers and shrines, some nearly scraping the skies, this
Is a city in it's powerful prime, the wall can't reflect its full face or horizon
A place with greatness inside - and the shining wall just tells half the legend
Continue the climb with your eyes, see the past the city's edges

See just above the wall's peak, above the iron spikes and sigils
Hop on the back of a carrion bird, recline and witness
Steel your mind and listen, then behold the violent image
Strident cries and whimpers - shadows slink, the guise of villains
They slyly pillage tiny adobe huts - then leave the floors slathered in guts
Roving bandits travel and crush - tiny farming settlements
The civil speckles across this desert; starving, desolate
& carcass-carpeted. Patrolled by giant lizards and angry vultures
Man murder man - the staple of stranger cultures
This raging cauldron - a dustbowl of theft and brutality
Mixes well to form the potent apex of insanity

Now the bird circles back - drops you into the foaming mouth of a rat
Which scurrys deep into the ground astoundingly fast
Squeezing itself down through the cracks - of the golden roads
Deep into the sewers where the sludge slowly flows
The rat feasts on broken bones, hanging off bony limbs
Lightly coated with rotten meat and corroding skin
They slowly shift downstream - a bastardized miserable styx
Eventually all ending up in the sewers infinite crypt
Flashback - they were once merchant's, clever with paper
Amongst kings and noblemen - they held excellent favor
But every emperor tapers - and they were ruined, betrayed
By those whose skeletons will follow in this ruthless parade
The truth is a charade, a play of silver scepters and tongues
because the game of money and power can never be won

Now plummet - down the waterfalls and past the muddy jewels
You'll flow out the discharge system and into a scummy pool
Beneath the broken sky of the desert & it's unwritten canon of war
Where each man acts on a sinister standard's accord
If words are recanted - they're supplanted with swords
No high treason convenes where there are no bannermen born..
There are no castes nor crests of the land
Take what you can take and leave the rest to the sand
The treachery's planned, soon as the hilt hits the hand
As soon as death is given the chance - he strikes and takes all of it
You could never hide behind the nightshade of politics
With just an axe, a few crops, and a hut riddled with cracks
But the clever merchants could never take what little they have..

Each nomad and priest, every merchant and thief
Looks to the wall in the South, the shield of the North
Mutter the same wish, they feel to the core
To whatever they believe in, or whatever they doubt
"Just let the wall stand strong just keep the wickedness out"

[Soulstice]

This didn't get much proper feedback because I fucked up the battle.. so have at it. links comin
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=57469

[Certain]

Walls of shined marble reflect the perfectly elegant vista
See the ghostly image of Romanesque emerald steeples
Citizens exit in sequence - draped in crimson and gold
Each a brilliant artisan marching, neck-deep in scriptures and scrolls
They retreat to towers and shrines, some nearly scraping the skies, this
Is a city in it's powerful prime, the wall can't reflect its full face or horizon
A place with greatness inside - and the shining wall just tells half the legend
Continue the climb with your eyes, see the past the city's edges

This was a boring introduction. There's a lot of verbiage here to explain a fairly simple scene, and you do little beyond imagery. The phrasing and imagery is not unique. Basically, you didn't grab my attention here, and this is a long verse, so that immediate grab is important.

See just above the wall's peak, above the iron spikes and sigils
Hop on the back of a carrion bird, recline and witness
Steel your mind and listen, then behold the violent image
Strident cries and whimpers - shadows slink, the guise of villains
They slyly pillage tiny adobe huts - then leave the floors slathered in guts
Roving bandits travel and crush - tiny farming settlements
The civil speckles across this desert; starving, desolate
& carcass-carpeted. Patrolled by giant lizards and angry vultures
Man murder man - the staple of stranger cultures
This raging cauldron - a dustbowl of theft and brutality
Mixes well to form the potent apex of insanity

This was better. I'm not sold on the second-person instructional nature of the writing. I think it distracts from the images themselves, which should be front-and-center here. "Steel your mind and listen, then behold the violent image" was a particularly clunky example of telling rather than showing.

Now the bird circles back - drops you into the foaming mouth of a rat
Which scurrys deep into the ground astoundingly fast
Squeezing itself down through the cracks - of the golden roads
Deep into the sewers where the sludge slowly flows
The rat feasts on broken bones, hanging off bony limbs
Lightly coated with rotten meat and corroding skin
They slowly shift downstream - a bastardized miserable styx
Eventually all ending up in the sewers infinite crypt
Flashback - they were once merchant's, clever with paper
Amongst kings and noblemen - they held excellent favor
But every emperor tapers - and they were ruined, betrayed
By those whose skeletons will follow in this ruthless parade
The truth is a charade, a play of silver scepters and tongues
because the game of money and power can never be won

This by far is your best stanza so far. The penultimate couplet was particularly strong, even if the "Flashback" concept seemed a bit out of place in that you're introducing us to this world that we don't have any memories of. I think the reason this stanza worked so well was that it largely abandoned that point of entry in favor of more direct imagery.

Now plummet - down the waterfalls and past the muddy jewels
You'll flow out the discharge system and into a scummy pool
Beneath the broken sky of the desert & it's unwritten canon of war
Where each man acts on a sinister standard's accord
If words are recanted - they're supplanted with swords
No high treason convenes where there are no bannermen born..
There are no castes nor crests of the land
Take what you can take and leave the rest to the sand
The treachery's planned, soon as the hilt hits the hand
As soon as death is given the chance - he strikes and takes all of it
You could never hide behind the nightshade of politics
With just an axe, a few crops, and a hut riddled with cracks
But the clever merchants could never take what little they have..

The end of this stanza was strong, but I thought you had lost some of the momentum of the previous one. I'm not solid on the purpose of this verse, though, which is a bit odd given the length. I get that we're at the edge of heaven, as the title explains, but why are we exploring this area? In particular, why am I here? Just to see it? You keep telling me I have to do things, but you've never told me why I have to do them.

Each nomad and priest, every merchant and thief
Looks to the wall in the South, the shield of the North
Mutter the same wish, they feel to the core
To whatever they believe in, or whatever they doubt
"Just let the wall stand strong just keep the wickedness out"

So I'm supposed to believe that nomads and merchants and thieves are in Heaven keeping out all these bad things. And I just don't get why. I would go so far as to call myself anti-religious, so I need more convincing here. This verse seemed rudderless, and I've seen much, much better from you.