Week 4 contender match: Just Write (3-0) vs. oats (3-0) \\ oats wins 7-1

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=59559).


Topic


http://i.imgur.com/lHe7NlA.jpg


Good luck, Just Write and oats.

[oats]

Suburban Timebomb
OR
The True Story of the Erosion of the Middle Class 4 Kidz!

Once upon a time there was a family of suburban achievers
the Collars. they liked their urban adjacency and their rural demeanor
eldest son, two younger sisters, a mural of peaceful
until late that fateful day that it occurred they were equal.
for the longest time, they behaved like courteous people
transparent with each other, nothing blurred or deceitful
the middle sister, Blue, remained purposely see-through
while the brother - let’s call him White - grew nervous and fearful.

(the youngest sister? didn’t notice that she never was mentioned -
an awful shame, she never got a name or any attention)

back to Blue. the saddest truth was she was earnest and diligent
she worked for a living to earn her perch as a citizen
although she also judged her sister as worthless and indigent,
she always recognized it was better to show mercy than militance.

White was the surrogate, fit to bring the bacon home
paid in full - he also had more work, training and education though.
but his disposable income led to horrible symptoms -
excess meant investments with the singular aim of growth.
hard to blame him, no? what else is money there to do?
assist his sisters? ha! a thought he wouldn’t dare amuse
"the lower they are, the higher I get" - a scary truth
so to grow to the mountaintops, he knew he had to bury Blue.

“Blue,” he entreated, “I think we can help one another -
I’ve found a way to make money that no one’s discovered!
And it’s perfectly legal, nothing undercover,
just trying to help Middle Sis and be a good older - I mean, Upper Brother."
the bluff was smothered in too-good-to-be-true-isms
“Afford a home? No more rent?!” what could she refuse of him?
“All I have to do is sign, then,” BAM - approved! “It’s mine!"
"Congrats to Blue!” said White from the hood of a ruthless grin.

(but money influences, even when proof is ignored
so when Citizens United, White bought out the community board)

White ran Blue through the numbers only moments later
“You make 700 a week, so 1500 monthly should be no big favor -
until that mortgage is sorted, I’ll go ahead and hold the papers.
I only own parts of construction companies, at least you own your labor!"

"and oh, we won’t be neighbors. I’d prefer you down the street.
(plus that view of the underpass is really hard to beat!)
Now pardon me, I’m late and I should truly keep it moving
I have to run a board meeting for community improvement.”

Studiously, Blue went through the fine print of her contract
homeowner fees, insurance, shit, even a lawn tax.
had White gone mad?
he never mentioned these expenses, but he said he would help
altogether this only left her 300 monthly for EVERYTHING else.

Meanwhile White adjourned the meeting, few residents ever knew
they pledged subsidies for his companies by extending their revenue
from the people by the freeway, it’s their fault their homes are in disrepair
after all, taxing the mansions for that shit just isn’t fair.

Without a minute spared, White was confronted about the mortgage
“Don’t blame me, my job was done once you said you could afford it
I did my part. the real problem is our sister in the street begging for help
She’s the one causing higher taxes - why can’t she fend for herself?!"

Blue eventually fell for it, once foreclosure notices formed stacks
she needed someone to blame, someone to serve as a doormat
stuck in a poor trap, her sister was the ideal drone
her lot in life MUST be her fault…plus she’s too weak to speak on her own

Blue lost the keys to her home, lived on the street with no one to help her up
stuck to learn her new role: stay put and look cute till you self-destruct

[Just Write]

Hi, my name Is Bobby, I used to live in apartment ten
Everyones said i was remarkable with a marker or pen.
I'd never been to art school, but that changed starting in June,
I was a college student now, Supported by an artistic new group.
At this school they specialised in selecting types who were naturally gifted
And housed a faculty shifted to maximize our passions tradition.
So whether a rendition of a masterpiece, or drawing an actual image
They'd teach us techniques to help advance our natural precision.
I was getting pretty good too , I learned how to master contrast & light,
And if your shading is right, you can almost capture it's life.
I'd been practicing nights, though often i wasn't even awake
The mornings were strange, In the corner sat a portrait in paint.
At first I thought someone was playing a game, either Jordan or James
Those were my roomates and to be truthful they were sort of insane!
Anyways i gave it no thought. Just tossed it in a box to lay with the others
And put it in the back of the closet underneath some papers and covers.


But this particular day was different, I discover something crazy about me
It happened in class while I was chatting with a kid named Ralphie.
He started talking about this accident that happened last week,
A school bus went over a cliff and killed a couple of teens.
For some reason it seemed familiar, i just didnt know why,
Then it hit me, the box! I had seen it inside,
I rushed home & opened it up, found the picture & looked at the back of it
I couldn't believe it, it was dated a week before the accident.
Could this really be happening? I flipped through the rest of the paintings
And discovered I predicted the future on numerous occasions.
There was one with a horses. A big "V", roses and a 1st place ribbon
weeks later a thoroughbred won the golden cup, her name was "Vixen"
A picture of a child, cold abandoned, freezing in pain..
...The same boy on the news they found diseased in the lake.
Such a shame, If only I'd known before about my secret skill
I could have stopped so many incidents, & people from being killed.


Over the next few weeks it grew stronger, & I couldnt control it at all
I'd wake to drawings that covered my ceilings and everyone of my walls
Whatever the cause. I hated it, felt anger, and was losing my patience
I mean what good is it to know the future if you can't even change it.
I tried throwing away my art supplies. Figured THAT would solve my problem
the next morning I woke to find food coloring and a candle in a pot dissoving
Seemed there was no resolving the fact that I was cursed with this "gift"
All I could think is "there has to be a purpose." I was certain of it
I was so determined to quit, I isolated myself & didnt see the news
Appears Since my walls were full I had ventured onto the streets too.
A reporter had said how it must had taken a genius to draw it so quick
And raved how it was so realistic, especially the bombs and the wick
If I had seen the news, mom would have never called me crying later that week
Or told me about my 8 year old sister playing with fire crackers out in the street
What she thought was a pickle-o pete, turned out to a block of dynomite
And I sealed her fate just past my sidewalk with chalk that night...

[zygote]

Firstly, I love that title, it is reminiscent of that classic satire Dr. Strangelove. The title was a great foreshadowing for the upcoming style of the humor. It wasn't exactly a satire it was more like a caricature with a little bit of political commentary at the end. There were some quirky things (E.g., the 'Upper Brother' phrase, and the Citizens United part). The 'higher taxes' section was a good attack on conservatism and anti-welfare economics. It was a good device to not give the main sympathetic character a voice piece. It created like a feeling of hopelessness and pity, and you did this deliberately too (E.g., "she never was mentioned - an awful shame, she never got a name or any attention" - never got a name in the story either, which was a nice touch.) Overall this was extremely refined in its underlying content, those themes really stood out because of the big contrast with the '4 kidz' slapstick nature of the language. Just Write also made use of a unique language. Firstly, good effort for commitment to the difficult narrative voice, writing from a different point of view can backfire, but here it was good, I feel like you toned down your normal vocabulary to match this character. Choosing a name such as 'Bobby' instantly gave the character a kind of naive quality, reinforced by the use of simplified language. As for the story itself, the progression is good but a little uninspired. Ending with a death can either be powerful or cliched, not exactly sure how to feel about it, which probably means that it was good and I could have misread somewhere. Voting for Oats.

[Vulgar]

oats - This was sick. Class warfare in the United States was summarized here in an organized fashion, the rhyme schemes all stellar. I can't imagine but thinking if this were a Zygote verse, there would be tons of references toward other forms of government and the alternative directions the story would go (i.e. serfdom, feudalism, communism) but yeah, I don't have any complaints about this verse. It was hard hitting and painted to a tee.

Just Write - Dope take on the topic. The 'pictures/art becoming a reality' concept isn't the most new idea on the block but you made it your own. The wording and technical aspect of your writing was okay. What shined here was your ability to craft an interesting situation for the narrator to try and solve or get himself out of. At the end, it continues to backfire to the fullest as he seals his sister's fate, or at least he illustrates it without being in control at all. I thought it was good.

My vote goes to oats.

[Mike Wrecka]

dope battle fellas. really two in depth stories here. it was a story battle more than topical almost. you guys both kind of neglected the razzle dazzle technical rhyming in favor of amazing and engaging narratives.

oats - I liked it. it flowed pretty well in most spots. the blue collar and white collar siblings was a cool idea. you pulled it together with the picture in the end. metaphorically. which was cool. It was good. you did great with the character development aspect. really fleshed them out.


jw - this didn't flow nearly as well as your usual stuff. your verses would always sound great on a beat, maybe this would, but I didn't get that tbh. but you did create a really dope story line with a interesting ending. two weeks in a row you really wowed me at the finish of the verse. I really enjoyed the verse. the character you created was interesting.


two pretty much equal verses technically and flow wise. oats gets the slight edge in those departments. but while I did find his verse very well written and thought out, I also found it a tad boring. jw's verse was more a movie id like to watch tbh. I also think he worked in the topic in a much better way. not that oats didn't tie in the topic well, he did, its just that JW did it better.


vote - JustinWrite

[Pinot Grij]

Oats, I like your microcosmic take on the class struggle.. it really unraveled through the piece thanks to great writing... nice diction and rhyme choices. I was left unsatisfied by White's motivations to denigrate his sisters... as well as Blue's acquiescence to be the scapegoat at the end. There wasn't enough psychology behind those plot points to make the believable... but I guess if you follow the allegory, then you can basically fill in those blanks yourself.

Just, I really liked how your interpretation of the topic, probably the strongest correlation I've seen so far. Your storytelling begin rather slow.. the whole first stanza was a bit long for my taste... in the final stanza, the lines whipped a bit more as you built the suspense to the finale. It wasn't eyepopping stuff, but it was still solid.

This comes down to what I think was missing in either verse. For Oats, it was a little more of the interiority of the characters to build plausible motivation for their actions. With Just, I thought the same... I wanted to understand more about how this gift haunted and distressed him - you spend way more time on the intro portion when the verse would've been better suited to get into the action. This, and I think that Oats was far more sound with his construction, leaves me leaning in his direction.

Vote -- Oats

[Frank]

Damn good battle.

Not surprisingly. It is very close. That is both a compliment, and an insult to both Oats and Just Write. Inspiration aside, time might not of been of the essence for either writer.
Striking while the iron is hot, Both writers managed to conquer their topic. With that out of the way; I can move onto the technicalities.
Oats was technically better rhyme for rhyme. Admittedly a step back in the flow department. If that makes sense? I felt more connected with the laid back progression of Just Writes journalistic writing, even if simpler it allowed for an uninterrupted read where as Oats toned it down though that isnt his strong suit.
Sensed some strategy to that knowing who your opponent was. Conceptually, Oats had the more original intelligent flip on the topic, but not necessarily the more enjoyable, or better idea.
There is much to be said about taking a topic for face value.
And there is also much to be said about thinking outside the box.
The tone of the pieces are drastically different.
One tackling a serious adult like issue while the other a kid like and care free light hearted subject.


My lasting impression is Oats concept being more advanced with the execution being sound enough for the victory.

Good fight.

[Adonis]

Two dope verses. The story in JDUBs was captivating past the end, no real hiccups or missteps that I recall. You often take topic on at face value, especially the picture ones, which I wish you'd think out side the Nixa bit more. Oats, your concept is nuts, yet again. Flow decent, but writing an entire verse in a story format wrapped inside of well thought out conceptual verse about humanity, income and banking is dope. Banksy art of words is fitting. I thought you drew no connection to this specific topic, but rather used colors and art in general, but the final line did drawn connection.

Vote oats, better conceptually, deeper yet on par or just below flow and connection to topic. His good points out weighed just's

[YDK]

damn this was dope as fuck and a lot closer than I expected tbh.
Oats you had a hell of a story along with good metaphors imagery and story development. I do have to say that your flow and wording wasn't quite as crisp as I've become accustomed to reading from you over the years. That alone was the only drawback I saw from the verse because the rest was awesome and you ended it well. good shit.
Just write, you had a awesome story as well man, I've only seen the concept one other time but you had quite a bit of originality with it as well as a solid flow. I do gotta say though that some of the wording seemed off, I cant really put my finger on it but some lines just felt too simple to make the flow work. still a hell of a verse and an awesome way to word it with the nice play on the concept.
this was an extremely tough decision but I gotta vote for OATS strictly because the content went just a bit deeper into the story development.
dope fuckin battle fellas keep it up

[e11even]

Good Job Guys.


Oats- This came off initially as unassuming then spun into a nicely told piece about economic/social issues. Nice metaphors. My only complaint was that there wasn't more said about the neglected (poor) sibling. Great job with mechanics and overall story.

JW- I think if this was a movie it'd be a little overused, but as a piece, this was pretty cool. Your rhyming was overly basic, but I think your angle was what outshined that. Great Job.

I'm kinda torn about this one. Oats had an intelligent, well rhymed piece, and JW had a better story. MVGT Oats for more of what is looked for in a verse. Great job to you both.