AOWL #1 CONTENDER MATCH: Vulgar (3-0) VS. ZeeDee (4-2) [ZEEDEE WINS, 6-2.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due FRIDAY 4/26 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SATURDAY 4/27 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/30 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: http://cs405830.vk.me/v405830514/8ccb/pmCB9EWxFQc.jpg



Good luck to both participants. Vulgar ZeeDee

[Vulgar]

Check.

[ZeeDee]

Requesting an old school line limit extension to 64 lines like it used to back in the day to develop details.... if not, ill write something else... just let me know Vulgar

[Vulgar]

ZeeDee That's fine.

[ZeeDee]

Thanks Vulgar
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6037

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6032

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6035

[ZeeDee]

Shot in the Soul


My faith as a Mormon has elevated my fortress to crazy proportions
I've made an enormous family unit with no escapes or abortions
Salt Lake City: storage for wives and Utah advocates this assortment
With low rates in divorces; they're ready for marriage and a place to enforce this

Outsiders say we're endorsing forbade cultures that are racist and foreign
Calling our women concubine slaves, but they're more of a geisha's importance
Hatred's ignored and it only pushes our family to closeness
So Tammy and Rose have been best buddies as insanity pokes them
Like they're friends on Facebook, but that's not allowed in my house
Internet's the devil's tool for cowards, some clowns and the rowdiest crowds
I'm a very conservative man and they all nurture my plans
I serve no demands, except for attending the church's sermons
That's where Rose met Julie, exposed her to me and approached her smoothly
A lonely cutie we invited for supper and a holy movie
Needless to say, Julie agreed to stay with us for life
And submits to this type of arrangement in her commitment as wife
The perimeters changed and Tammy became to be more manic, deranged
And then insane, but Rose would hold Tam til her panic's sustained
Rose as my home's manager made this transition go smooth
With an innocence expressed through Tam even when I switched their bedrooms
This was the best move with Julie's room next to mine for extra time
So we can have sex combined with tested lines that'll molest her mind
Because Tammy's barren inside and Rose has been pregnant two times
So she's been assigned to raise Gene and Mike, ensuring my legacy's pride
Plus Julie's a sexy delight; her measurement's tight yet curvaceous
Her breast are the size of elephant eyes that push out like they're inflated
But they're real and mine for the taking within God's design for love making
So thank you Lord for supplying this maiden who likes to ride me 'til days end

One night when I came in, I heard rhythmic romance in the tunes
And the slight sweet scent danced in the room of a new fancy perfume
I was dancing amused, expecting a sensual performance from my muse
"Candy Sweet Jewel," a pet name; her flavor made me demand it's consumed
Excited and more, I arrive at her door with my penis in hand
It's openly cracked so I hold my attack to see what she's planned
An unbelievable scam: I'VE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY WIVES
Seeing both of Julie's hands shoving Rose's face through her thighs
Tammy waits on the side holding a dildo about the size of my arm
And starts riding it hard,
while eating Rose, who has Julie's legs spread high and apart
A lesbian lineup of art is now my main focus in vision
It's spoke to my wisdom to clearly show Rose is controlling this mission
Which gets a firm "No" for permission although she holds my attention
Dismissing my shock as I continue to watch this wide open exhibit
I hold 'til their finish as Tammy's holding her business, enjoying the pushing
So moist as it's put in, Rose thrusts that huge black toy through her cushion
Her holes look like pudding pops being made in the cracks of her pores
And she's the test dummy to crash to the floor, like that's what practice is for
My rage can't be masked anymore, they'll feel my wrath and absorb
The actual force...... no.. hold on.... don't overreact while you're sore
I walk pass the door of Rose's room and see her luggage is packed
“'Til death do you part” is our coveted pact and now she's running from that
Stuck on her back, turning my house into a come filled love shack
While planning to go and abandon her post with all that I've done for her ass
They've fallen asleep after all of their needs have been overtly met
I walk in and creep back to Rose's room and start dry stroking her leg
They're all back in their own beds so I begin waking her up
Embracing her butt, nibbling on her ear, but too angry to fuck
Faking the interest and making her senses escalate my intensions
To break her defenses and make her existence quickly erased in my sentence
Make Rose submissive while facing the entrance of the cliff house for sexing
Ate through her kitchen and gave her some inches after I licked every section
We blissfully exit, I pull out my gun while we kiss for 6 seconds
I see her soul cry, of course I know why, as it's lifted to heaven


http://cs405830.vk.me/v405830514/8ccb/pmCB9EWxFQc.jpg

[Vulgar]

I'd hate to ask for an ext. because you already posted, but ext plz?

ZeeDee

[ZeeDee]

Glad you posted.... goodluck

[Vulgar]

I now pronounced you manhandled.


She had on moleskin drifters, Motel 6 sunshades
A stripper pole wind bringer, sifting through cum stains
Mafioso Montenegro, midget feuds, mud-faced
Caesar’s Palace, deep with talent, boarding school couldn’t keep her out of it
Kipling shoes, front-laced, kitchen brewed cunt cakes
How delicious the tongue tastes must’ve been a sensual upgrade
Got head in a Hyundai, now I’m headed for Slump Straits
In debt cause of drug raids, a fucking professional muckrake
I guess it’s what lust makes us do, find a necro, lick a corpse & dive
Organs, eyes, porch lit by an orb of imported Thais, the waters rise
A morbid vibe arises since the mortgage’s high;
Porky Porshia Porpoise Thighs parks inside with her legs perpendicular
Latex, purp and dick in her allows him to siphon the gorgeous vibes
Sexual perversion currently considered psychologically normalized
They’re spiking arteries borderline, bathtub reading Michael Connely
Ignite the tonsils, ream the novel speech with hymen sorcery
Feel the stripes of gonorrhea on your fingers like Persian hide
Though she prefers to grind, the burnin’s fine in typhus hostelry
Cabin in the woods, stabbin’ in her goods, quite the mockery
Love triangle, Bermutating the ocean waves with white isosceles
She passed the wine & dropped to knees, he got aggressive
A large erection lodged in empress, condom left in apartment seven
Contraceptives and dawn’s depression, Jetson marathons & wet skin
Adults swim in pools of drool, keep ya chin up girl
Chug the syrup girl, looking like you were a pin up girl
The sickest world takes Christian girls and turns them to sluts
German women blush because there’s sperm in their butts
Murder She Drudged, 1-800-PURCHASE-A-VIRGIN-TO-FUCK
Earth is a learning excursion where burdens of trust turn into dust
Peace is a three headed angelic beast; introducing Cerberus Doves
I think we’ve heard of enough,
The whore of Babylon was no more than a projection;
She’s over the hill - a corporate morbid insurrection
Of jack and jill, or jacking off in Jill’s direction
The snatch is dead, worn her out, the coroners slap her senseless
Watch her tumble off the bed into the pornographic section

http://cs405830.vk.me/v405830514/8ccb/pmCB9EWxFQc.jpg

[Adonis]

Zee - IDK man, the flow in beginning was tits...meaning really fucking good, but the entire verse was extremely long and winded. I think there was plenty that could have been left out and maybe you could have expanded on the ending. I mean, in the end you simply just fucked a wife, kissed her then killed her, in as many words as this. A few emotions or thoughts from either wife or husband would have made a huge difference. Then there is the matter of the orgy, IDK. I don't mind, and actually like the attention to "physical" detail, but again, it seemed unecessary to take up 1/3rd of a verse for a sex scene that didn't really have much to do with the verse other then that's a reason you saw the luggage. I just feel like you focused on the wrong thing with your verse, you went visual which is cool, just wrong time. You left a lot out because of the sex scene, and this verse could have shined with emotional details from a plethora of characters, which on a side note was a bit mind wrenching on keeping up with 4 main characters anyways. All in all, a decent verse.


Vulgar - I loved the wording in the entire verse, this made the flow in my opinion. I will say I see no huge connection with the topic, I get you went Jack and Jill on the hill but that was merely thrown in near the ending. I feel like you let your mind run free, then tied the topic in later. Which is fine, but just cheapened the chosen topic for me, like why even have them picked for us, Naddimean? Anyways, I also have a issue with the use of "gonorrhea" as well as the vixen seeming experienced in riding the Cock, since they are virgins right? Then again you are talking about a word out prostitute, which to me, is translated to some company or owner of the company, whoring out themselves for profit...IDK?


Vote - I so want to vote for ZeeDee because I don't want to lose my first place in division, but in my humble opinion, Vulgar had the better verse. but it was closer then I probably made it out to be, I just liked the concept piece over the story this week.

[Pent uP]

ZD -- Man when i got to the bottom of the second paragraph and i saw your topic i thought "that is genius." What I thought was that the ending was going to be both the girls getting shot. One shot in the soul because of rejection and one shot in the soul for cheating. I guess thats my one gripe with this verse - it didnt go the way i expected; The ending was still dope. I have to give you kudos for having all the elements from a story (which is a big problem from other verses that i read) while maintaining one of the smoothest flows. Overall the highest level of mechanics with a strong story...

Vulg -- There was a dope concept burried in this somewhere. It was a cross of love and lust...i think the phrase "cerebus pigeon" best explained the whole Idea behind the verse. Multiple levels of attractions and the things that come along with them - whether they were physical or metaphysical or what have you. I thought that was the single coolest line in the whole verse - i think it spoke on way too many layers. Beside that the whole verse was pretty strong in its descriptions of characteristics and their counter-parts. I think what held this verse back the most was the fact that there was alot of 'dialect changes' it felt like that made the writing feel devoid of attachment.

Overall - This was a dope ass battle with two mechanically sound and aggressive verses. I think in the end the more effective and layered verse was ZeeDee's while vulgar had a more of single idea'd verse that evolved awesomely (thatll be a word soon)

[zygote]

ZeeDee, that was an excellent use of the writing stimulus. Often before reading these contests it is interesting to think how the competitors will interpret the topic. To see this picture and then how you made a good story out of it while addressing the topic was great. Although, there is some lack of focus in the exposition of infidelity (second paragraph). It was good in concept to provide this information but perhaps it went on for too long. Feel like you lessened your momentum by becoming too intricate with these details. However, the conclusion was fulfilling and when coupled with original approach to the topic, it was overall good writing.

Vulgar, your rhyming is exceptional and the vocabulary to use those interesting words while keeping a strong rhyme scheme without using absurd phrases is great. Only criticism is perhaps a lack of direction, kind of like you wrote to a theme without any guiding end goal. Broad brush strokes and meta-view rather than pinpointing in for discussion on particulars. Which is not necessarily bad, but it's different from how you usually write with those identifiable messages to the writing. Didn't want to bias my vote by comparing it to prior writing of yours but can't help it. Perhaps there were subtle layers to the writing but I did not understand/perceive. The lack of underlying things lessened the overall effectiveness for me. Although, the humor in it did remind me of the song by Canibus called Dreamzzz.
Voted for ZeeDee.

[IamBenT]

GREAT BATTLE!! EASILY BOTW

oK QUOTEs first.

Zeedee

My faith as a Mormon has elevated my fortress to crazy proportions
I've made an enormous family unit with no escapes or abortions
Salt Lake City: storage for wives and Utah advocates this assortment
With low rates in divorces; they're ready for marriage and a place to enforce this

Great intro here, really sets up the story for ensuing drama and conflict,smooth

That's where Rose met Julie, exposed her to me and approached her smoothly
A lonely cutie we invited for supper and a holy movie

- expert level rhyming here, effortless and fun and great flow, this is
just one example of SeVERAL lines like this.

It's openly cracked so I hold my attack to see what she's planned
An unbelievable scam: I'VE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY WIVES

- HAHA damn my dude, great twist here mid tale! the description after this
is great too

Vulgar

How delicious the tongue tastes must’ve been a sensual upgrade
Got head in a Hyundai, now I’m headed for Slump Straits
In debt cause of drug raids, a fucking professional muckrake

- great flow here throughout, not having seen a style switch up from you and its refreshing

Feel the stripes of gonorrhea on your fingers like Persian hide

- Just.. icky lol but well written

Murder She Drudged, 1-800-PURCHASE-A-VIRGIN-TO-FUCK
Earth is a learning excursion where burdens of trust turn into dust

-another example of killer flow.

Damn just an all around great battle on a killer topic, I love Zeedee's story, it was hilarious and kind of troubling at the same time, and you could see how his zealot narrator could take it to the next level and feel justified in killing his wife. Vulgar's verse was poetically amazing with great word choice and a god flow, both were on par at flow, Vulgar's story was really bold and left me wondering where the speaker had come and why (if any) was the reason he was doing what he was doing.

I feel that Vulgar did a better job of writing, but Zeedee told a better story, and since yall are fairly closely matched imo great stories always win me over.

Vote -Zeedee by a snatch's pube lol since yall were both on that sex tip.

[Zen]

wOwZeR....Great fuckin battle.
ZeeDee: Damn. I kinda felt the dude's anger the whole time in this piece, but for some reason I could only picture Mitt Romney as the main character of this lol. But all in all you had a great rhyme scheme here but the strongest point of your piece was that I could feel the emotions of the characters. Pretty strong stuff here and I enjoyed it. Props.
Vulgar: When I read this piece I was reminded again of how perfect you word shit. Seriously. It's very unique and pretty poetic. So in this piece you had all of the great wording and you maintained a very good flow, but as someone else said before it seemed like this lacked direction. It was a great piece no doubt but it feels like it was missing something. What that something is idk lol. But all in all great verse Vulgar.

So I gotta vote for ZeeDee. Great battle.

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle.

zeedee- dope story. I followed it all the way through and I despise long verses. but ya I read this in its entirety which says a lot. went with the topic well. structure wise, it was strong in the beginning but tailed off a bit towards the end. the flow was ok not great in the second half. but it had a good story arc and I like how the picture was showing the ending of the verse. cool effect

vulgar- seemed rushed. you have a way with words that's very unique. and some really cool lines in there. mechanically it was the superior piece. told more of an overview instead of a story line, which is ok, shit its what I do most the time, but I feel like you didn't really punch it home hard. the ending lacked a little for me.

overall, two good verses that I enjoyed reading. but zeedees kept my interest a tad more and I thought went with the topic better. so im gonna vote

vote-zd

[Frank]

Zee Dee - The font is trademark but man it's like a blurr to look at. I just wanted to point that out

Ok I've stopped reading 2/3 of the way to make this observation. You ran off names at a manageable rate - they weren't overwhelmingly introductory - which can be burdensome for the casual reader. Instead - they were a tight nit family where I had an idea of who they were; each and every one of them. This is accredited to your choice of names, which I feel were all chosen out of reason - rather than rhyme. The Rose, the Gene, the Jewel, The Mic - but why Tammy?

A lesbian lineup of art


Wow - you captured that moment with an all seeing eye. That transition was one of the best lines all season. Powerful observing way of summing up that whole couplet - line belonged

the detail is dope - elephant eye breasts and pudding pop pussy holes - ha

come filled love shack

6 seconds - in reference to the sin of infidelity?

Overall

This verse had a battle rap of a flow with a topical ninja point of view. Very well written and raw too. The end could of been more dramatic cause it kind of peers off the cliff - instead of backflipping - somebody has to nudge it though. This is the top 10 reads this season for me though - entertaining all around. Flow was gutter but smooth, and the content was pretty fresh. Nice 1

Vulgar

This was like a grainy tape I watched one time from the black market - it was filmed with low budget camera lense; but the images it took were almost priceless. This was a true rant. Started out as a story but In Vulgar fashion it quickly went astray into the twilight zone of Rant. You use a lot of elite mechanisms within your writing but they do not always transpire in a orderly fashion. You create gumbos of different aromas - a sweet hint there - salty hint there - know what I'm saying? You need to wiff it back into your face every once in a while with the old hand to make sure its afugehtaboutit! Know what I'm saying? But I can say this - your the pablo picasso of the modern topical world.

The vote

Two different agendas and inspiration levels went into battle this week. I would like to think Vulgar slouched but his flow was much crisper this week; not cohesive; but it was cool. Chin up girl/pin up girl - lol that's old school 50 shit. Dope freestyle verse with serious potential - ZeeDee came with some wild details - story line - the whole 9.

Vote goes to Zeedee

[Objective]

ZeeDee: The intro is cool and easilly lets me in on some of the ideas you got and what kind of approach you're taking. I like that. No need to keep me questioning and let's be straight forward and get it popping kinda shit. Nice.

The first paragraph after the intro was filled with great storytelling and no excess information filled with over-the-top details and descriptions of how the room looked like or how the atmosphere is, things like that can be nice as well but you chose to go for the straight forward approach which keeps the style you decided to go for and ends up being just as strong as pieces with amazing descriptions about things like this. You continue on that path as well and go straight to the point and talk about the problems between the people involved in your story and introduce us to two kids which makes the insanity part even more intense as kids are involved in the drama as well. Definately dope paragraph and shows great ability in terms of writing. You keep it consistent and extremely solid when it comes to ruling what is needed to be told and what doesn't. As someone who got a close friend that's a devout mormon from birth, and being well known with the community as a whole I found some striking similarities which gave strength to your story as well. Even though the internet part being the devil and several wives is mostly for the fanatic and more extreme branches of mormons which I'm not familiar with at all, it's definately there to some mormon communities (kinda boils down to christians and the old testament vs the new) and I feel everything you said about holy themes in regards of movies and entertainment. Well done.

The third paragraph is where things is getting more questionable for me. Where's the kids in all of this? Did they magically dissapear? Why is Rose's luggage packed? I mean, they must have expected him to come home at some point. They didn't seem to care that he was around so why would she just leave all of a sudden? On top of that they start having sex and all that shit as well? I thought she didn't like him? It seems to me like you just needed a reason for him to get pissed and kill Rose to fit a murder into your mormon erotic love story where the kids just floats around in existence with no real purpose to the text what-so-ever beside of telling the readers that the bitch has been pregnant and given birth twice. It was a highly dissapointing third paragraph to me, especially after all that great things the intro and second paragraph was filled with. And why was he having a gun in the house? I thought he was a devout mormon?

All-in-all a decent verse with some funny situations that made me smile and lots of questionable shit towards the end. Enjoyed the flow and the read but the conclusion of your story made no sense to me.

Vulgar: In the first lines you present exactly what ZeeDee didn't have in his verse (but he didn't really need it either), which was more in-depth and almost over-the-top descriptions of different things that you present in your verse.

Example from your verse:
Kipling shoes, front-laced, kitchen brewed cunt cakes
How delicious the tongue tastes must’ve been a sensual upgrade

Vs. ZeeDees:
That's where Rose met Julie, exposed her to me and approached her smoothly
A lonely cutie we invited for supper and a holy movie

Personally I enjoy descriptions like Vulgars but it's refreshing to see some straight forwardness from time to time as well. Because when it all comes down to it ZeeDee actually says more in two lines in my opinion than what Vulgar does, but it's up for debate and basically boils down to personal tastes in terms of the art of writing. Either way, great showing as always thus far Vulgar.

Just like ZeeDee you also present some funny situations in the sex department.

This shit made me smile:
She passed the wine & dropped to knees, he got aggressive
A large erection lodged in empress, condom left in apartment seven
And this even though it's kinda morbid, hah;
Murder She Drudged, 1-800-PURCHASE-A-VIRGIN-TO-FUCK

Don't really got more to say about this piece. It was funny, had its moments, definately not among your best but still got great imagery and rhymeschyme. You presented a story with a rather vague but believable plot.


Final Vote: Vulgar. ZeeDee's strength in this battle is straight his forward storytelling and presenting the plot with clarification and easy to understand sentences. No need to read it several times to understand what the fuck he's saying or hiccups in regards of metaphores, definitions and similies. This makes the final sentences of his piece, overall plot and creativity in regards of the topic extremely important. Seeing how he lacked exactly that it boils down to the other things his verse could offer which Vulgar excelled at.

[King Ra.]

ZEEDEE WINS, 6-2.