Week 5: timeless (2-2) vs. Mike Wrecka (2-2) \\ timeless wins 5-3

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=61073).


Topic


"Getting Better"


Good luck, timeless and Mike Wrecka.

[timeless]

As long as there's cracks in the pavement,
Roads to life will lack in amazement.
Coated light with black as the shading,
focused sight, on track for impatience
within the nation. Begin the fight,
living to die, rinse visions that lied.
If not... well be a victim of why
as a whole we are stricken with pride.
Hidden by cries that overflow lakes.
Sober toned face, toe to toe, lone space.
James without the peach, he stands below...
the surface that leaks each hand he folds.
Weak, stands alone, he kept his head down.
If it were to raise, death will send clouds
with ten pounds a piece. Left seven vows
to withhold the strength, forever proud.
One for each minute he's been alive.
Some more teach/scrimmage, each sin in stride,
Like they've been blind awaiting vision.
They just wants your mistakes and prison.
If he didnt, his memory bends
because he had fought steadily and...
...james still lost.
And at what cost?

Tomorrow he would fight harder than he ever has before.
His wings connected in energy, each feather wraps the cord.
When he goes to take off, the batteries fail and he plummets
deep into the summit of reality's frail scam, weak judgement.
"It is my fault I couldnt get it to work, I can't take this.
My patience is late with its welcoming burst that stands painless."
Yet still his amazement lies in the hopes of seeing it fly.
Folks believe in wise choices, he'd provoke their demons inside.
"I'll prove to them that I can do it, they won't see it coming.
Then i will be accepted, I won't have to flee from nothing.
If I can't have people in my life, these toys must come alive."
Deep inside he knows it won't happen, "seek poise, dont run and hide!"
I'm only seven years old dad, and im very unhappy."
I told him to "grow glad and that life is like heaven's valley.
No matter where you place in the final lap of existance,
you'll do it simply, you are you. I wont be much different."
Mountains of success will divide your landscape in two sections.
Whether or not we climb, the valley keeps track of true blessings.
The world we stepped in has different types of crafts unmentioned.
Always know its getting better because we mask intentions.
My son james just needed a friend, life advanced fast and reckless.
God, youth needs to shine, stop making life look so damn depressing.

[Mike Wrecka]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we are getting better....
at avoiding face to face interaction,
users of computers have replaced the passion,
emoticons emote nothing, but a fake reaction,
to binary code, displayed as flashin
human beings use screens, while snakes are clappin,
who opened the flood Gates and let this mistake just happen,
our baseline normal has been basically flattened,
into a comatose state by this embraced contraption,
time to get off our seat, we need to take some action
we need a rally cry let me create a caption,
NO! I must resist, but it wont be easy at all,
I just had caption making software completely installed,
these are the reasons we fall, right back in our ways,
we are used to living a life, lacking delays,
back in my day, we would hang around and converse,
told my kid, she said "I always wanted a Chuck Taylor purse",
and then she sent me the link, to buy it on a website,
we can call this existence a lot of things, except for life,
this threat is right here, right in front of our face,
internet access has left something erased,
now our need to Kinect got us jumping in place,
instead of going outside and confronting our space,
technological advances have left me confined and lost,
as a matter of fact that's it, im signing off

[zygote]

Both placed their writing emphasis on different aspects. Mike Wrecka seemed like a conscious effort to be as coherent as possible, it was purely directive, a little amount of frills and tricks etc - it really established a kind of pulpit feel. Very good elder-statesman tone, the part about the child added to this effect. Strictly focused with little deviation from the central theme, which was excellent. Timeless seemed to place effort on the imagination of the language, there were a lot of similes and mixed metaphors and stuff like that. At first glance it seemed a bit chaotic, but it was pulled in together nicely by the second half of the last paragraph. Both competitors had the same moral judgements, just presented in different ways, while MW focused on presenting the moral judgement from a mature perspective, Timeless brought the reader into the mind of a childlike perspective. I think all the flowery language from Timeless was intended to reflect a rampant imagination trying to 'get better' - escapism from a harsh reality. Overall, MW was a lot more focused and perhaps even technically superior, but with this exact topic some of Timeless writing quirks really hit the mark. Voting for Timeless.

[NYCSPITZ]

I felt both pieces had very strong elements and ended a tad melodramatically. Timeless you had some great lines in there like the James and the peach line, the whole piece about a brooding child being the pulse for an overarching theme of life's variety and blessings/curses created a nice micro/macro push pull. MW your piece about the decline of the human condition as a result of technology and your will to escape it as it controls you was also dope. It was a short piece and I feel like you could have put more effort into it, fleshed it out a bit more and killed it. Thanks for writing.

this week mvgt timeless

[PancakeBrah]

Timeless -

The second verse, especially the latter half, was much better than the first. There was a lot to work through in that first verse. Dense, and obviously rhyme driven. I've had the same problem. It seemed cluttered to me. You went very metaphorical and I would have preferred a straightforward approach here. I was a bit lost, to be honest, and had to re-read your verse a few times before I felt comfortable voting. The second verse was superior, in my eyes, and your ending two lines were good. You had some minor technical issues with spelling and grammar but that doesn't take away from your verse. Just watch for it in the future as some people will think less of your verses if they have errors.

Mike Wrecka -

I liked this. Short, obviously, but well written. Although I think baselines are already flat. The flattening would be redundant. I like the converse/kinect/caption lines. Thought they were witty and well worded. The overall concept is one many people have tackled on here but you did it with your own twist. The use of 'signing off' was either clever or cliche. Not sure which it. It flowed well, though. The entire verse flowed well and had a nice pace to it.

Interesting match up. I think MW got more from less and timeless got less from more.

v/Mike Wrecka

[oats]

timeless: it took a number of reads for me to piece together the verses cohesively. It sounds good to read, through the rhyme-laden flow and steady rhythm, but the language was dizzying and unclear for me. It felt like you were jumping in and out of perspectives a bit, too, and if it weren't for some of the anchoring comments at the end that helped me sort it out, I really would have been lost. I did like some of your metaphors in there - the mountains of success bar comes to mind - but I think you would get more mileage out of those metaphors if you anchor us with a straightforward situation first before delving into them. Overall I liked the verse, but I felt like there was more to it that I didn't have access to.

Wrecka: you sowed no mystery here, and you spoke candidly to the ills of technology and progress. although there wasn't much original thought going on, there was a ripple of humor that punctuated the authenticity and apathy of the speaker, like I could hear this on my neighbor's porch while we're all playing poker. I liked the "we need a rally cry, let me create a caption" line, made me think of memes.

Vote: I think Wrecka succeeded where timeless didn't, albeit through a less impressive display of language. If timeless simplified a little more in places, it would have made a huge difference, but as is Mike's verse just hit a little bit more. Good clash of styles.

[King Ra.]

Interesting match up. Both of you went with the same sort of vibe here in delivering messages in different ways. Timeless, you really packed in a lot of metaphors and it was the driving force of your piece. It set a particular tone, which you were able to sum it all up by the end. But as great as some of the meanings were in your piece, the story itself seemed out of place. For me this occurred in the second verse. The transition was fine, but that approach kind of negates what you wrote in the first part. Or vice versa. Something just seems missing in my opinion. But I can't take away from the fact you came with some good stuff, writing wise. Mike Wrecka, long time no speak. I haven't read anything from you in awhile I believe so I was expecting vintage Wrecka but only got a bit of that. Your rhyming was on point, it helped guide the piece along, but the content lacks much substance. As with your opponent, you had some good lines, I liked how you stuck to the idea of technology sort of being the culprit in connecting yet disconnecting people if that makes any sense. The ending was nice, great touch. I just would have liked more content though because it lacks much life. Idk if you decided to take this approach because of your opponent or that you didn't have the time to really put something with substance together. Maybe the topic was bland? But this was definitely not your best work, just okay.

At first read through, I was leaning towards going Mike Wreckas way, even though he took a very basic approach this week. But I read both multiple times more and honestly, both had plenty to boo about, but I feel timeless, despite the rather weird issue I'm having with his piece, he wrote just as well as Mike Wrecka, but his approach was much better, more unique.

MVGT: timeless. Good job by both competitors.

[Just Write]

This was a. Pretty even battle with one taking a direct route and the other a more abstract route. I really enjoyed your piece this week timeless, more reminiscent of your first two pieces in terms of layout and tone. Mechanically and storywise this was a very tight written piece with but a couple flaws but only nitpicking stuff so I dont need to mention them. Mike, I really liked your piece and agree with it except I just wish you would have made this a little longer. You're one of my favorite writers to read because I always know its going to be technically perfect I just think you could have used 48 lines to say what you said in whatever 24-25 lines you said it in, I just felt it lacked a bit.

With that said im goin to have to lean towards timeles in this one. I enjoyed both pieces but I enjoyed timeless' s piece a little more

Mvgt=timeless

[Mr. J]

This battle was cool both writers came with it
Time had a nice consistency to his verse. went all out it seemed
felt like a few parts had an off transitioning to it though
maybe its just how I read it but you did the topic justice
you brought a vivid outlook of how your verse works

Mike it seems like you have improved since the last time I saw you
you had the same progression your opponent did in fewer lines
which is cool. most writers tend to drag out the development of a piece
but it seems like you knew that you should stop before its too late
either that or you ran out of time. nice drop though

As far as my vote goes I am going to have to give it to Mike
I felt that the structure of his verse was morr fluent toward the end
Timeless had the same idea but seemed focused on hitting the linr quota
a few lines seemed like filler afrer another read but didn't damage the verse
the battle was dope though fellas keep writing

[Frank]

Timeless

First verse

Not too shabby... I wonder how much effort you put in, other than adding to the beginning and last line in attempt to center the verse or however you do that. Nah, I know. It's that button that got the perfect jenga tower. The middle one. Not the left jenga that is wobbly because you missed a block or the right jenga thats leaning cause the balance is off. See, now we're thinking of your verse as a jenga set. It's construction is now the basis of my observation of this staggering verse. Now it is just staggering, not in a sense of overwhelming and earth shattering , just staggering, as in shaky without a good foundation to build off of.

I did like this line:

Hidden by cries that overflow lakes
Sober toned face, toe to toe, lone space.


Second verse

Well, it got better like the topic said. "Getting better" Some lines lead me to believe this was probably written in 2 sittings. It's a work in progress. It's not quite connected yet it still is. You built off the meager beginning and began spreading your writers wings.

"It is my fault I couldnt get it to work, I can't take this.
My patience is late with its welcoming burst that stands painless."
Yet still his amazement lies in the hopes of seeing it fly.
Folks believe in wise choices, he'd provoke their demons inside.
"I'll prove to them that I can do it, they won't see it coming.
Then i will be accepted, I won't have to flee from nothing.


I appreciated the positive message and felt uplifted when I was done reading the entire piece. I kinda am at odds of how I completely feel about this piece of work you have presented us with. It did get better but was that what you were going for? A build of skill and effort? It's kinda like that.

Mike Wrecka

The art of separation. The intro of dashes kinda diverted the attention back to you in a clean slate kinda way when I first read the verses back to back. The message here is great. Everything is getting worse under the umbrella of everything is getting better premise.. We're droned out slaves to our smart phones. It was a dope verse. Great character to it. The effort may have been a little lackluster but you got your point across. Fan of the verse. Will drop a quotable real fast

our baseline normal has been basically flattened,
into a comatose state by this embraced contraption,


I know how you talk right so I give you the benefit of the doubt. I always enjoyed your style. You got the time, late at night, when everybody's a sleep ,try and chip away a masterpiece for yourself, every week.

Great concept.

Overall voting process

I came in here and I was going to vote for Mike off the first impression I had in my initial read through. After a couple more reads just now I got Timeless with the win.