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View Full Version : Week 5: Totoro (0-2) vs. El Pancake (1-1) \\ El Pancake wins 4-2


Certain
03-24-2014, 03:54 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=61073).


Topic


"All Things Must Pass"


Good luck, Totoro and El Pancake.

PancakeBrah
03-29-2014, 12:44 AM
stuff.

it’s sanguine with an open wound. standing agape with awe.
so native. i want to capture each of you in a masonry jar.
sensational. live life tonally. it can be so tonal, your cause.
there’s so many openings. and i just chose to withdraw.
“no regrets”? no. i can’t imagine the same mirth as you.
imagine life as circumferences. venn diagram comfort
and satisfaction, overlapped in the middle is numbness.
i want a fat middle. with small slices of the latter two
on the outer ridges. just for who that matters to.
those who might frown upon, and such. i wish i could clutch
the very air i’m breathing right now, with my eyelids shut.
right as im typing this. to feel its quality. to let seconds slow
for one whole year, sigh, let it go
then sit here for another and listen to the echo of the arpeggio.
alas, not. i’m not the despot of a supposed fate’s dreadnought.
just one of the few who fights back with head shots,
no brag. you watch all these things pass, too. easily.
i just chose not to collapse on easy street. breezily.
i’m lazy. they call me lazy. but that’s just a word to use.
there’s some others. defined as i’m not going to be sherpa’d to
going through in servitude. there’s duty to tend, yes.
but it’s so secondary to flesh. so why pipe it down?
i’ve had moments last my entire life to now.
i fucked the nihilistic view. sexually. and loved it too.
because nothing does matter. but everything does.
even as it passes. so long as it gives you that...buzz.
sage? no.
just seeing the next wave. im not to the page turning news
with tired age burnished views. I’m escapism blues.
Just another guy,
fading with you.

NYCSPITZ
03-29-2014, 02:48 AM
In a sea of nascent souls...still quite a ways from a barcode's gauge
I mingle with others - we navigate this charcoal maze
Sweet maple wafts over the fire's star born blaze
The loaded barrel, pitch black, harbors dark cold rage
The spirit of seven - mortal beings in this dark soiree
My brother Jack swims soaked, sullen: death au fait
Estranged soul gray - perspective like cement on fate
Distilled to my essence, and bottled - I ascend on stage
Swallow me peacefully, I guess it all depends on faith
Mine grew next to Johnny, his label was blue
25 years old! A canny lad, with many fables to choose
Of the ilk known as the "I-don't-give-a-fuck-fatalist-booze"
Seven years young - he told me I'm a cradle of youth
...take a gambit on life's chessboard and mate'll ensue
''you might go slow at a romantic dinner's table of two
But keep a strong heart and laugh or the date'll be doomed
energy and matter CANNOT BE DESTROYED - god cabled the news!''

...


A man with a round face gently drizzles him in a ladelling spoon
the glazed roast pork's visage, something like a satyr entombed
He drinks with the rest...his essence moves into this wavering womb
Jack wakes up a kidney stone. Time to escape from this room
The man writhes in agony as Mr. Daniels escapes through the dick mad tight
''you little fucker...'' **FLUSH** the whirpool's great , probably like a six flags ride
he sits in the sewer next to a used rubber with semen entrapped
when it came - a crazed, mutated hairy beast of a rat
He's swallowed (i have a body now!') he's leading the pack
a rat squeaks ''chief grime! There's a dead pigeon to eat right next to some black candles''
''my name's changed now brother. You can address of as Jack Daniels''
''my mentor johnny walker taught me that life's transitory and fleeting
So let's give thanks before we partake in this glorious feeding''
'chief jack! Squeaked a weak rat - your words are a forest of meaning
our senses lead us to live grimey lives but it's kind of deceiving
jackson pollack me food scraps and i'm god for the evening
but father nicodemus set a far higher bar for achieving''

...


Jack daniels scouts street level for garbage to attack in the town
crossing the street...a taxi cab runs him flat on the ground
the kidney stone pops out, embedded in a mac truck tire that rolls
he travels for miles, to a corn field on the side of the road
rolling under a stalk, the farmer cries ''this stuff is midas' gold
sour mash for southern whiskey, i'm delighted to grow''
the heavy shovel crushes him - he feels nostalgia at the site of his home



...

zygote
03-29-2014, 05:35 AM
Firstly they seemed similar due to the rare vocabulary used in both, but Pancakebrah wrote with a refined realism while Totoro went absurd (in a good way). Enjoyed the atypical style of PB's descriptions, things like "venn diagram comfort", "echo of the arpeggio." and "fate’s dreadnought." are interesting while still retaining a kind of delicate quality. It meshes well with the existentialist love poem format. "stuff." was an apt title, it at once captures the whole central message of "because nothing does matter. but everything does." while also mirroring the apathetic nature of the writing tone. Totoro's writing was immensely enjoyable, it was a just line after line of ridiculousness. It says a lot that the it began in a rather restrained fashion (compared to the end 'rat monologue') but the first line still made reference to "a sea of nascent souls." It was very ambitious, it ran the gamut of life and death, not just from birth to death, but from conception to burial. There are some great similes, very creative. A few that I managed to pick out; "a heavy shovel crushes him" - burial, "like a satyr entombed" - fetus, there were others too, but the general point, is that there was an interesting way of presenting everything. It was a close decision, voting for PB.

oats
03-29-2014, 05:43 PM
Cake: there's an undercurrent of nostalgic yearning en route to detachment that the voice is marinated in. it was sad, but not sentimental, and it reflects the melancholy of growing up/the understanding that the YOLO brah of our youth is fading away. I don't think anyone else here could capture that feeling nearly as well as you did here - lines like the nothing matters/everything does and my favorite "I've had moments that lasted my entire life up to now" were home runs. This is one of my favorite verses from you, up there with the Hipster one for sure, looks like the time off really helped.

Nyc: this took me a few reads to really get into it, but it's hard not to enjoy the fanciful storytelling of the journey of a kidney stone, born in the womb of the kidney from the hosts' voracious drinking of spirits (of 7). There were flashes of humor - both highbrow and slapstick (idk why the "dick mad tight" line was so funny to me) - as well as moments of almost mystic descriptiveness. If I were to pick a nit, I'd say it could have cool to have some sort of ending that generalizes that idea of a life coming full circle, felt like a bit of a missed opportunity, but the final line is excellent as is.

Vote: This is probably BOTW, it's not easy to discern which, if either, were better than the other. I think NY's rhyming was stronger, but Cake's diction and language were better. It comes down to an existentialist meditation on growing out of adolescence and a comical story about the life and times of a kidney stone. It's hard to choose, but I gotta give it to Pancake for engaging me more with his subject matter. Great battle.

timeless
03-30-2014, 02:05 PM
Cake, this was dope man. Your approach isn’t nothing to celebrate, but the writing more than made up for it. The only thing I really would have to bring up would be the flow, but that was only in the beginning, just a couple of your transitions bugged me, but nevertheless it was dope man I enjoyed this a lot. “ just seeing the next wave. im not to the page turning news with tired age burnished views. I’m escapism blues.” Such a dope bar.

Totoro, lol this was awesome. The first part didn’t really transition into the second part too well, or maybe it’s just me. Aside from that a couple wording and spelling issues, this was a great read. Wasn’t too sure where it was going to go but I’m glad it came back full circle with the “nostalgia at the site of home” line at the end.

Damn after reading this, definitely going to be a hard choice, botw for sure. I read both verses a few times now over the past day or two so sorry for the lack of depth but I feel I have to give it to totoro for the more enjoyable read. Cake’s was definitely more sound and polished than nyc, but still I have to judge this by who took the better approach, and nyc killed it this week.

v.Totoro

Adonis
03-30-2014, 07:11 PM
Cake - a dope verse alluding to essentially your writing habits and why they are yours, while sprinkling in all of us, either being not deep enough or on the same level, no names mentioned but I'll take that as a complement ;). Dope imagery's here, from the opening melodic refuge of a soul and choice made to not be 'mainstream' if you will, to not being the sheep herder or the sheep itself. The wording, rather word usage was deep. It's rare I have to open a second page for a dictionary and look up more than maybe 1-2 words or phrases, I think I did maybe 4 times with your verse. I liked the analogy of a circle, pie like, and the division of characters or traits in life and writing making up the slices. That was a dope imagery, and solid way to move this verse forward as it was not a story but simply you speaking. These type of topicals can grow dull while reading them, but because of the congested thought process you done did good. I enjoyed the multiple reads faggot.

Tro - "Daniels escapes through the dick mad tight" I was sipping a beer and when I read this it came out... Nice imagery pervert. Where are you from? only ask cuz you mentioned six flags, the one in my neck of the woods in So-Cal? Shit is sooo dope. Moving on, sorry. I'll focus. The opening stanza was pure imagery of food being cooked by a chef who used liquor for it. Then the rat came along and was flushed? Tough to follow, but ever so enjoyable. The imagery is strong, and words hold much meaning in each sentence. That's why it is tough to follow, not that it's bad writing, it's just...like reading a book standing in the middle of the freeway, so much is going but that's dope. I'm not going to lie, this verse was a fantastical read and various levels, I enjoyed the language and loved the pace as each turn was out of left field. But...I still can't wrap my brain around the meaning, after multiple reads since you've posted it. I know it's not literally about a rat and alcohol, but possibly you struggling with the depths of that sewer of sobriety and how you've awoken in the gutter, scoured the earth as the drunkard and came to in a peaceful death. that's what I took away, and as I write that I just think of the illness I just read.



This battle is honestly the best I've read since that tournament with Lars and Deadman, each verse is equally the best of the week, if you to faced anything else you would win, up there with Oats which I really enjoyed. Tough vote though because of it. I enjoy the peer inside of a soul especially when its about writing via Cake, but I to have a drinking problem so the Tro verse resonates on numerous levels. I commend you both. Dont want to vote.


Vote - Cake by a millisecond. What did it come to? Honestly, nothing. I enjoyed the flow slightly more coupled with equally dope phrasing. Thank you whores, you made me think at least two people, albeit little semen enthusiasts, might be deep enough to write something worth reading.

Mike Wrecka
03-30-2014, 09:29 PM
sick battle. classic. my bad for the brief vote. you guys deserve better but oh well


PB = blew my mind tbh. this piece was exactly what I was looking for this week. I don't know why but im getting tired of heavy plot driven storylines. the flow was immaculate. some lines made me say fuck why have never used these word combinations before. which is a huge compliment


it’s sanguine with an open wound. standing agape with awe.
so native. i want to capture each of you in a masonry jar.

this was clever. it was creative and could have gone horribly wrong in the hands of someone else but you made it subtle. which is what was needed.

sensational. live life tonally. it can be so tonal, your cause.
there’s so many openings. and i just chose to withdraw.


that's deep. you are going cerebral with this piece and im loving it


those who might frown upon, and such. i wish i could clutch
the very air i’m breathing right now, with my eyelids shut.
right as im typing this. to feel its quality. to let seconds slow
for one whole year, sigh, let it go
then sit here for another and listen to the echo of the arpeggio.
alas, not. i’m not the despot of a supposed fate’s dreadnought.


dope section here. this verse is relaxing me. its written in a very calm way. no rush. taking its time. it reads slowly for me



the rest was on point. the phrases were very well done. reminded me of dead man a bit. a classic topical approach and like I said before I am getting tired of stories so this was right in my wheel house.



NYC = sickness brah. your flow is dope.

In a sea of nascent souls...still quite a ways from a barcode's gauge
I mingle with others - we navigate this charcoal maze


great start. I don't know what a charcoal maze is but it sounds good.



fuck guys my bad but I have to sign off right now. ill come back and finish this vote.


overall - PB had a verse that I really enjoyed reading. like I was happy that I had the opportunity to read it. same with NYC. but one pulled me in more , ever so slightly and that was

Vote- PB

Frank
03-30-2014, 10:45 PM
Vote - Totoro

Dude is getting robbed... My dude Totoro could freestyle what El Pancake took hours to write. Never have been a fan of this dudes writing. It's highly overrated and I cannot get into it in the least bit. Totoro concept, flow and creativity were miles ahead of his opponent and it stuns me to see such a travesty transpire in the voting