The Glorious Strategist

[Zen]

http://ww2.hdnux.com/photos/16/56/26/3859893/3/628x471.jpg
A thousand arrows dot the skies of a town of scared folk which got surprised
By mounted scarecrows which brought demise down in the narrows which was wrought with life
They're taught to survive but they're caught in a strife
From the evil of soldiers, The people, the cultures are left to feed the vultures,
The village is dead, Killed and left in a heap of boulders
But at least it's over...
....Or is it?
Master Li had to flee in the path of trees
Screaming, "You bastards believe you can capture me!?"
He laughs, it seems in these woods he could at least be in peace
Until he slips and trips and snags his knee and scares a lady
Who's there with a baby that's wrapped in sheets,
She tries to crawl back and leave but her body's tapped, she's weak,
So she closed her eyes and went into everlastin sleep...
...And this is
Where I found you, There in the town's view I took you in my care and allowed you
A chance for redemption, this is not often something man is given,
So here's the plan, you listening? "Yes Master you have my attention."
Good, this demands precision, The Emperor lives in Helm's Den
Guarded by twelve men, It's there you'll sneak in at dawn
And deal with his pawns while I deal with the Five Fingers of Tong...
...The next dawn
The Orphan sat in peace and calm staring at the leaves of fall
Until a wounded soldier released a call deep in the hall,
"So you're the chosen one? Do you know what you've done?
Don't you know you need us all!?
Twenty years ago you were sent to kill us...
You didn't, Now I've avenged my village, Master Li gave me the keys to solve
My anger through purpose, And this danger was worth it
Just to see you crawl..."I don't believe your gall
He's decieved you all....The Fingers of Tong....Will linger on...
Because Li's the palm..."
The Orphan gasped as Master Li stuck his sword in his back,
He fell to the floor and passed, Finally after his morbid past
He had become a corpse at last....
....And so it is said
After decades of absence the empire was saved from the savage
Orphan's behavior by the former traitor, The Glorious Strategist
Master Li

This is a no show AOWL verse.

[Just Write]

figured i should feed this since i no showed.. my bad again, just got busy.. ill prob finish and post at a later time, i took the life of ghengis khan route.. anyways to the feed. loved how this started off bro, jumped straight into the action and put a vision of battle in my head. wish you would have developed the characters story a little more but i know you were tryin to stay in that minimum line limit. as far as storyline, structure and your scheme.. flawless as usual. i like how you try to get that whole line to rhyme in places. anyways dope drop man.

[Fig]

your structure is wildin man. flippin n jammin and scadoo-bobbin all over the dayum place

I love it

The story was a bit underdeveloped, but very action packed and constantly moving along non-stop, so I didnt mind very much. This is pretty much the route I wouldve taken with a topic such as this. There was some intense imagery in here, for instance:

Master Li had to flee in the path of trees
Screaming, "You bastards believe you can capture me!?"
He laughs, it seems in these woods he could at least be in peace
Until he slips and trips and snags his knee and scares a lady
Who's there with a baby that's wrapped in sheets,
She tries to crawl back and leave but her body's tapped, she's weak,

I saw all that shit in my head like a muthafuckin movie. Very nice indeed mmmhhmm. I definitely preferred the first half to the second (the story almost felt forced when the POV changed, I duno, just wasnt as seamless of a transition as it shouldve been) but the piece was still dope overall.

[Breh321]

Definitely felt the imagery as always

"From the evil of soldiers, The people, the cultures are left to feed the vultures,
The village is dead, Killed and left in a heap of boulders" dope

Transitions were a bit awkward but nothing some fine tuning won't fix

[Zen]

Uppity

[GKillaZ]

I start reading this, and I think its starting off slow then quickly realize its better then I thought, then all of a sudden it slows down with the shorter bars then just comes back with that master Li shit, that was halla dope man!, props... it just keeps going after that too. until it hits what I find as a little bit of a slow spot, but then you finish off hard and overall is an excellent piece. posting the picture helped create a little bit of a picture . good looks .. 8.5/10

[Natural]

Master Li had to flee in the path of trees Screaming, "You bastards believe you can capture me!?" He laughs,it seems in these woods he could at least be in peace Until he slips and trips and snags his knee and scares a lady Who's there with a baby that's wrapped in sheets, She tries to crawl back and leave but her body's tapped, she's weak, So she closed her eyes and went into everlastin sleep...

I can't copy and paste exactly how it was wrote due to me being on phone but i dug the above mentioned part.

I wouldn't say this had 0 hiccups because i think 9 times out of ten theres always a slightly fluid way of wording things. All that said it was still quality writing. You got talent.
I do agree you could have elaborated on some things a bit more because it felt as if you rushed to the end. Whats there is good though..mechanically sound
Stay up

[UnoQuattroThres]

Some ill storytelling here, liking the chinese theme the structure is wild but perfect for what you were writing about. Overall content was ill too. Where's the script...lol..

[Zen]

One of my favorite pieces I've wrote and am giving it a bump for old time's sake.

[beegee]

"From the evil of soldiers, The people, the cultures are left to feed the vultures,
The village is dead, Killed and left in a heap of boulders"

probably my favorite line!

awesome imagery, def caught some inspiration from this.

[Zen]

Final up for this and then I'll let it slide back into obscurity. If you drop feed, drop a link and I'll return the favor as soon as I can.

[beegee]

Master Li had to flee in the path of trees
Screaming, "You bastards believe you can capture me!?"
He laughs, it seems in these woods he could at least be in peace

dope.

The Orphan gasped as Master Li stuck his sword in his back,
He fell to the floor and passed, Finally after his morbid past
He had become a corpse at last....

felt this whole shit
great story piece.
sucks it was a no show....

[Eŋg]

how you gonna use a word like 'wrought' (not high register vocab but uncommon enough) in your second line after talmbout 'got surprised' in your first line. that wording is straight ass, yo.

tbf... after that and past the middle, it did get better. story was decent if unremarkable and predictable. you force rhymes too much, generally:

believe your gall/see you crawl, taught to survive/caught in a strife -- as with others, i just pulled those from memory and the ether knows i'm not re-reading your verse. rhyme as you like, really, but realise your lack of craft when you put (some of) them together is patent.

wasn't terrible, overall. just didn't enjoy it.

this eloquent vernacular is black enough to break the chains of dracula