“Women. Can’t live with ‘em. Can’t kill ‘em”.

[Orc]

the sun rose using the clouds as cover
i offered a smirk & moved off in the dirt til i found my lover..
brim bent with intent, an overcoat and hollow eyes
the coldest folk personified, emboldened by the rotten times
i whistle shrill & my pistols will make you fold up & just swallow pride
bandana tied by a blackened hide, time to grow up with the glock of mine
.. gut fucked by a thousand others but I'M who the girl chose,
a fucked up love-nut with a Clubfoot and a curled nose..
my right ear is a burned hole, pops never had time for nice gear & worlds prose
nightmares as the birds crow, reliving strikes here and first blows
fond of questin' cuz under constant pressing.. it's quite rare that pearls grow
head over my spurred heels she took my heart with some safety,
my barn and my lady both harboured & praised me -
.. til they moved in the dead of the night to startle my baby
faceless and silent, tastless and violent they left me a note
my breath in my throat, destined to choke
i rode for the nearest town to see what the letter invoked..


neck cracking with creaks but by god we rode Death
legs dragging beneath, stabbing with each dogged whole step,
an icy night & the fog seems to just grab and hold breath
the saloon doors swayed with meaning, inviting terror through..
painting a still-life picture titled: ERROR FOOL. NEVER MOVE
the gravel crunches to unravel hunches beneath leather boots,
a man of punches - not random lunches or a clever coup..
i was never cooth. guns blazing, impartial as law, a martyr of war!
leave these Marks on the floor, rifle aimed w/ light disdain, sparking a brawl..
ugh. no. what good is that if i leave my heart at the door?!
so i walk right in, nodded head to the vagrants
thinking about the first law of life: thats self preservation
limped to the bar and swallowed a double whiskey,
the atmosphere changed, i guess i bring trouble with me..
shit! better act subtle quickly.


''listen now little fellers,
im just tryna see whats written down in a message.
if you'd kindly oblige i'd be out in a second..
& i'd appreciate it sir, if you'd be puttin down that there wesson''

*man takes it. reads it*
''here, feller. it says 'come home, face ur demons'
now... you best take ur leave, friend..''



!!. had to leave quick before the place was screamin,
duel wielded pistols, true evil grips it, woulda left faces bleeding..
tastless heathens.. ugh. then whiskey had my stomach sicker
i never had much fun with liquor,
my horse whined beneath as the cliff edge perilously poked..
run horse. RUN. i put my barrel to it's throat,
got Pops face in my head like im starin at a ghost but fearing that it's hope,
blackened ground turns to grass & back around, i swear i'm gettin close.
as the radicals say: the past catches up to us all, you can't gallop away
cuz no matter how many leagues you travel you stay
i feel my saddle then sway, and im up on my feet light
wont look in Defeat's eyes as i bullet the beast twice, 'peace child'
i carry on in this merry song, & rain-soaked boots squelch in the grass
as i remark on how i've never dealt with my past..

''PAAA!''


it's all my foolish fault, he steps out w/ his best pout,
hat peak covers a golden eye-patch folded right back
zeus's bolts do revolt to stress how he grew an olden style tache..
i just want my stolen wife back!
duel. to. the. death. i know he'd like that..
hand at my holster, can't get it closer - i'm just acting, truly
dont stand a chance 'gainst someone who faced active duty, & black with cruelty
facts will ruin me, i close my eyes and prepare for hades faith..
until lightning shows my ladies face,
my fingers slip on the trigger, hands quaking with fear
whip up two guns & see he's got two facing me here,

BANG. BANG.

a shot to the chest and the stomach or ribs,
..he tried to take my heart, so i put a bullet in his.

[Mr. J]

This was a nice piece, I'm surprised no one replied to it...
I was feeling a majority of it to be honest, you had a grasp on what you were writing
..I like that...the flow didn't let up at all, and your word choice was nice as well

my horse whined beneath as the cliff edge perilously poked..
run horse. RUN. i put my barrel to it's throat,
got Pops face in my head like im starin at a ghost but fearing that it's hope,
blackened ground turns to grass & back around, i swear i'm gettin close


^^^^^^^
that was nicely done right there...keep it up

[Geno]

I know your a legend around here, but drop some feed or this is getting closed G.

Will feed u later tho

[Geno]

I know your a legend around here, but drop some feed or this is getting closed G.

Will feed u later tho

[Split]

I know your a legend around here, but drop some feed or this is getting closed G.

Will feed u later tho
He dropped me a piece of feed. I do know some repeat feed offenders btw. but word spread the love

I also got this later yo

[Orc]

man give me a nice piece to read and i'll feed it. i'll feed anything interesting with honest constructive crit. im not about to tell lies to plz egos. if shit is HOF its HOF. but yea Genocide i hit Split up with an honest breakdown. anyone else w/ a good drop is welcome to 1.

[zygote]

Dialogue sections were strong, perhaps they could have been expanded on they were interesting it would have been to read more dialogue like that. Second paragraph had great rhyming mechanics, E.g, martyr of war - sparking a brawl. It was skilful use of multi-rhymes without sacrificing content or rhyming absurd phrases. The ending gave it kind of humorous feel, the description of the "olden style tache" like rhyme version of an old western "BANG BANG" was a nice stylistic touch too.

[GKillaZ]

i whistle shrill & my pistols will make you fold up & just swallow pride
bandana tied by a blackened hide, time to grow up with the glock of mine
.. gut fucked by a thousand others but I'M who the girl chose,
a fucked up love-nut with a Clubfoot and a curled nose..
my right ear is a burned hole, pops never had time for nice gear & worlds prose
nightmares as the birds crow, reliving strikes here and first blows
fond of questin' cuz under constant pressing.. it's quite rare that pearls grow

This section here was sick!, good topic, you killed it. flowed real nice overall good piece.
8.5/10

[Zen]

I hadn't read this for a few days but I see you've been feeding pieces now so I'm gonna feed. Good job on the feed btw. But to this piece this was very nice shit here. From the opening it was well worded and set the tone perfectly for the whole piece. The dialogue was great, and the ending brought a real close to this piece. Excellent Orc. Stay active in the Om man.

[Orc]

appreciate that

[Split]

Orc thx for feeding Mr J as well as my own verse.

btw topical battle me in the BA, or sign into the league..That is if u think u can hang w/ these new cats.. however many lines/ whatever topic u want, loose deadline

also hmu with ur homie thrice's old verses if the net hasn't swallowed em up, interested in reading his stuff

enjoyed this verse. First of all strong title to post content ratio, people underestimate how integral to the verse a title can be if u use them right. it can easily cut ur verse in half and have the same impact.

this piece and your writing in general has a cool emotional appeal.. U use ur shortbar-refined wording really well, minimal syllables and smooth multis translates well to topicals. gonna edit this later w/ more in depth feed, still drunk from last night and im spacing out

[Orc]

thx guys

[Flow]

head over my spurred heels she took my heart with some safety,
my barn and my lady both harboured & praised me -
.. til they moved in the dead of the night to startle my baby
faceless and silent, tastless and violent they left me a note
my breath in my throat, destined to choke
i rode for the nearest town to see what the letter invoked..
This is a great start, your setting up the story but with such a tasteful rhyme scheme to kick it off your keeping my concentration for the next part...too many writers recently been really struggling with a set up, some just jump straight into it or some just bore you before you get to it. So props on this, it makes a longer piece so much more easier/enjoyable to read

i was never cooth. guns blazing, impartial as law, a martyr of war!
leave these Marks on the floor, rifle aimed w/ light disdain, sparking a brawl..

Lol this was for me the bar of the verse, really flows of the tounge while keeping the heated feel of the verse.

and
it's all my foolish fault, he steps out w/ his best pout,
hat peak covers a golden eye-patch folded right back
zeus's bolts do revolt to stress how he grew an olden style tache..
i just want my stolen wife back!
duel. to. the. death. i know he'd like that..
This is literally bang on, worded perfectly
hand at my holster, can't get it closer - i'm just acting, truly
dont stand a chance 'gainst someone who faced active duty, & black with cruelty
This is me being tight really but this was the only let down for me in the 3rd.. but
i am being tight, not sure why, feel the fire flickered here
facts will ruin me, i close my eyes and prepare for hades faith..
until lightning shows my ladies face,
my fingers slip on the trigger, hands quaking with fear
whip up two guns & see he's got two facing me here,
nice ending to a great piece

Fire dude, titled well (drew me in) really liked how you kept the story/narrative going well and kept to your topic while using a nice rhyme scheme/nice vocab/fair share of multis.

Going to have to reread it and might even break this down proper styley was a nice read - aint seen one in here for a while worth dusting the keyboard off for...

Split will need to check yours out in a min I imagine this will be def worth reading

Orc appreciate if you could give the older piece i dropped a peep (broken minded linked in my sig) - would be interested in getting your views on what you liked / where you feel i could improve.