AOWL SEASON 3 MAGAZINE — EDITION 6

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3, Edition 6


Six Is Like Sex
INTRODUCTION by Certain


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlZydtG3xqI


Hello, gentlemen and lady. First, I want to let you all know that I have Trademark-proofed this forum. You can thank me later. Second, I want to show you that though our numbers have dwindled since our massive start, my efforts have not. We are at a very important point in our season, now with a newly crowned champion in oats, who also contributed to this magazine. Adonis did, too. And Baron Mynd (Lars) gave us an exclusive interview. But mostly you all need to know that big baby is back with some mustachio goodness in the predictions. So get reading!



ITM by Certain
That stands for In This Magazine, as I gank the Discussion board's favorite thread style for a new feature that won't appear weekly but might be biweekly. This week's focus will be comparing each Week 6 member to a classic rap album, with an explanation.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q30v96vdn7c


oats: Blackalicious, Nia
Like the first and best Blackalicious album, oats writes with a terrific sense of purpose, often involving a message of some sort. He uses complex schemes while keeping his diction clean. And he often drives home a larger point within his verses. Nia is an underrated classic, and oats probably doesn't get the credit he deserves. The only critique of oats and Nia is that they don't jump out and grab you by the throat.


zygote: Ras Kass, Soul on Ice
In this comparison, let's equate beats and hooks to traditional rhyme mechanics. zygote's all about great content, just as Ras Kass was for this album, one of the best lyricism displays ever. Both show great dexterity, spanning many styles. No one quite figured out what to do with Ras Kass, and that's similar to the struggle voters have with zygote's unwillingness to bend toward traditional standards.


Adonis: Ghostface Killah, Ironman
Ghostface Killah's solo debut was a hot mess at times, but it was a hot mess in a brilliant way. Adonis can get very sloppy, sometimes writing verses that simply don't make any sense. But often if you take the time to break down his words, you realize there's a lot going into them. Plus he has the same sort of fucked-up sexual humor as shown on "Wildflower."


timeless: Kanye West, College Dropout
College Dropout sprawls every subgenre of rap that was popular in 2004. It's all over the place and comes together only in the sense of this being a very exciting new artist with a lot to say. timeless still is working out his style and trying a lot of different things. Maybe next year he'll make a more refined effort like Late Registration, but right now he has us with his potential.


El Pancake: OutKast, ATLiens
This might seem like a copout, since it's El Pancake's favorite rap album. But it makes a lot of sense, too. ATLiens takes unique turns with almost every verse, at least from Dre (before he was Andre 3000). There's a lot of offbeat content and unique word choices for both Dre and El Pancake. And there's this lurking potential for something bigger and bolder.


Frank: Raekwon, Only Built 4 Cuban Linx ...
This was the easiest choice of them all. Frank's writing can only be described as streetwise and cinematic, two words that get connected to Raekwon's epic debut all the time. The rough edges become endearing, and it doesn't sound like anything that came before or after it.


Just Write: De La Soul, De La Soul Is Dead
"Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa" seems right out of the Just Write notebook. De La Soul's second album ditched the happy-go-lucky sentiments of 3 Feet High & Rising for a darker look at city life, with a twist of humor and enough levity to break it all up. If there were a track about war, this pick would have been even better.


YDK: Cage, Hell's Winter
Like YDK, Hell's Winter does not get its due credit very often. Like YDK, Cage is very white and very Middle America. His best album works because of the very deep personal reflection cast by the rapper. YDK does the same, though it can be to his detriment.


Mike Wrecka: EPMD, Strictly Business
Mike Wrecka's album match had to come from the 1980s, right? This is the choice because it's funky but hard, with deadly flows from Erick Sermon (mostly) and Parrish Smith. Strictly Business now seems like a template-setter, particularly for beats and flows, just as Mike Wrecka's style feels like a throwback to the early topical legends.


King Ra.: Jedi Mind Tricks, Violent by Design
Early Jedi Mind Tricks had more ambition than action, which is a pretty good way to sum up King Ra.'s Art of Writing League tenure. Violent by Design is a cult favorite because of its enormity and Stoupe's beats, and there's a lot of great rap. But the dark, dense sprawl sometimes isn't pulled tightly enough.


Mr. J: Common Sense, Resurrection
Resurrection is the wittiest album in rap history. Common Sense throws out every wordplay he can think of with the crispest flow of his career. It's an undeniably fun album to listen to. But sometimes you wish he would get to his point. All that applies to Mr. J so much that this also was an easy choice.


Totoro: GZA, Liquid Swords
Totoro loves writing about samurais, and I bet he loves this album (which, coincidentally, is easily my favorite of thsoe selected for this sampling). But that's not the reason I chose it. Totoro can be very dense but is so polished mechanically that his lyricism alone can be intoxicating. Listen to "Gold" and tell me that doesn't fit here.



THE INTERVIEW by Certain with Baron Mynd
The Winter Topical champion gives his first interview since the victory. We're excited to have him on the show.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nz3DL6EXtQ


Q: Let's start with the obvious question: How does it feel to sit on top of the Netcees.co topical writing community?

A: In one sense, it feels good to know I still have it. I don’t write anywhere near as often as I did at my most prolific – I haven’t stayed in any of the leagues for extended periods and this was the first topical tourney I’d entered in a long while, years even. I don’t feel like it was a major upset or anything, even if dead man was slightly more favoured perhaps - I’ve done this for years, the hardest thing is always to stay at the top once you’ve got there, I’m not disillusioned by that. It makes me a target for any future league or tourney I take part in here.


Q: Honest evaluation: What did you think of dead man's verse against you in The Winter Topical championship?

A: Firstly just let me say, dead man is crew so I don’t mean this disrespectfully at all… If I’m truthfully honest, I’ve always struggled against people with that style. The abstract, vague, lurching from one visual image to the next kind of writer. Three Planes Aligned isn’t too dissimilar in that vein, SacriFICE also, and the past has shown that was definitely the way to beat me if you were going to. The thing about that style with me is I just don’t ‘get’ it, I can’t write like it, I’m more of a storytelling dude in the archaic sense – I show the reader what’s happening, I don’t feed them tidbits and let them draw their own conclusions. Me and dead man are polar opposites in that respect. That’s not to say I can’t appreciate it for what it is, we’re crew, have been for years and he didn’t make it to the finals for nothing – he’s just a very, very different writer from the one I am and we have two wholly different stylistic approaches and executions. I think he had an atypical ‘dead man’ verse top to finish, solid as ever, the votes reflected that. We know our lanes and work within them to reap rewards. It could have gone either way in the finish.


Q: You've talked a lot about your past influences (Swordswinga, RIKOSHAY, etc.), but most of those guys are long gone. Who has caught your eye in the past year or two?

A: I don’t read anywhere near as much as I’d like to, so if I’m scrolling through Open Mic for something to peep, I guess it will be something by the ‘older’ names that I’m familiar with just because the majority of the time I’ll enjoy what they’ve put together. I think Nigma has a lot of potential, a lot of kinks in his armour right now and he seems to be struggling to find a style of his own somewhat – but when he does, he could be top tier. He reminds me of a younger me in one sense, his verses are really heavy multi-laden and I just feel sometimes he’s overdoing it, which at the time I know can feel like you’re just outwriting everyone and anyone, but by keeping it tighter flow-wise and loosening up mechanically to an extent can actually help you. I’ve done it. I actually like this cat named Slyfe from Rap-Royalty, he’s more a long bar head it seems to me and his style probably wouldn’t go down well here – but he’s hungry and you can feel that in his writing, so much potential in the dude, his creativity is just out there. I read some crazy verse about Omega 3 fish oil or something by him haha! I’m not even joking, it sounds horrific, but yeah… madd props to that dude. Eng tends to write with a free-flowing style that transcends the page, which again is something I used to do back in 2003-4 days so I can appreciate that for what it is on a certain level. He just needs to hone it, really make it his, we used to call that the “broken-bar style” many years ago, but I was a fan. Shouts to Abolish and Salvation/The Illest for that.


Q: You and I are two of the most polished (or, honestly, the two most polished) topical writers around. Do you ever want to let loose and freewheel a bit, or do you value that composition?

A: LOL I’ve always freewheeled, I lost count of how many quick verses I’ve fired at CopyPat for collabs or The Artful Salopian and we’ve literally sent verses back and forth before posting up within a few hours. I write super-quick, usually just get one of them to send me a verse then I write off it, off their end rhyme too usually just to show them how quick it was done. I think that’s been more so as I’ve got older and had less time to write than I did in my teens, life catches up with us all.


Q: I've seen a few of your battles. You're very animated. But in your topical verses, you tend to be more restrained. Any reason?

A: The two are just very different things to write for. Live battles are more about delivery and projection. You can have the best line on paper, but without delivery, it wont hit as hard. You can also have a weaker line on paper, but with the right delivery or projection, it can get twice the reaction. I’m mindful of that. I suppose if you were to look back at some of my text battles, there was always odd bits I’d have capitalised for emphasis because you can’t really convey that in the written medium. I write for the two things very differently, and I think writing both the same would be the wrong way to go about it.


Q: How do you balance trolling/boarding and writing? It seems like most of our other erstwhile trolls are terrible writers.

A: Good question haha! I think with me it’s just a personality thing, either you’re out there and generally it’s a hyperbolic extension of yourself in real life, or you’re a try hard and the board sees you for what you are. I was a writer first, disc board celebrity second. I think some forget the reason we’re all here in the first place, and it’s easy to be drawn into the lulz, it’s a welcome distraction from the leagues and such. I mostly board at work, write at home as and when I’ve time.


Q: You've mentioned in the past that you occasionally wear women's underwear. Have you ever written a man-poem while in lacy panties?

A: I wrote my finals verse doing just that. Serious.


Q: Who's the best you've read at this text rap shit? Where do you rank yourself?

A: There are a lot of names I could argue for and against, but for sheer dominance across multiple sites and longevity, for me it has to be Richard Corey. The guy is a legend in the topical field. Undoubtedly top ten, all time, and one of the best storytelling writers I’ve come across in 10+ years. I’d say I’m up there, certainly. I probably wouldn’t be the first name on peoples lists as I haven’t been active for a long enough period recently, but you’ll find my name in any top ten topicalists thread posted around hiphop forums on the web.


Q: I spent quite a few years away before coming back. You've stuck around. Where do you find the energy for it?

A: I just love writing. I do tend to get bored of sticking to either topical writing or live battles, and so when that boredom sets in, I just switch to the other. I’ll write topicals until I run out of creative ideas, then I’ll write battle rhymes so my mind is thinking of creative angles or punchlines, once I’ve done that a while I’ll revert back to topicals – so on and so forth, the one hand feeds the other. I write relatively quickly, once I’ve got an idea I can put down a 24 in minutes (call the Betty Ford clinic,). I’ve taken long lay offs myself, too, but I’m always writing even in my down time.


Q: Any last words?

A: I’ll be battling live Sunday 6th April vs Tekniko in Wolverhampton for the Spit Roast Battle League, check for the video when it drops, feel free to add me up on facebook.com/itsdeus or Twitter @BaronMynd . If your child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic, simply pour hot boiling water down its throat to dissolve the blockage.

Peace and love!



Week 5 Rewind
BATTLE REVIEWS by Certain
Though our numbers are small, our writing is mighty. This was the best week for verse quality of the season thus far, and I don't even think it was close. The Beatles apparently connected with you guys, and I was thrilled with the efforts. Voting, on the other hand, was lame.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he0B0VMxCsw


1. oats beats Frank and Vividlyvague 3-1-0. | "Don't Let Me Down"
This battle lived up to the hype. First, I want to say that oats wrote a very strong verse. There were times when it felt off track or a bit too long, but his rhyme mechanics and diction were even better than they normally are. The verse felt really well thought-out, built on a detail-oriented foundation with a heart containing some serious introspection on our perceptions of reality. Vividlyvague posted second and wrote a tale that felt very much like what I expected from Vividlyvague, only better. This probably was my favorite verse Vividlyvague has written, and I expected nothing else with this level of competition. He hit a little too on-the-nose with the ironic ending, but the way he told the story was full of life and emotion. Frank, who received the one vote not for oats, drew praise from voters, but I was not impressed. I'm not a big fan of Disney-fied nonfiction, and Frank played off his clever Michael Jordan/1982 NCAA title game approach by changing quite a few facts. Still, he wrote it well and made it engaging, so it was like a good Disney sports movie.


2. El Pancake beats Totoro 4-2. | "All Things Must Pass"
The smart strategy against Totoro is to go for substance over style, to try to tell a wildly original, entrancing story that will keep readers interested instead of attacking him on his strengths, his polished diction and mechanics. El Pancake didn't care, and it worked. He took the topic head-on as the guy who can't let things go and becomes consumed with himself. Totoro, then, took the creative story route by personifying Jack Daniels. But El Pancake won because his execution was stronger, as Totoro was a bit too loose on this one.


3. zygote beats YDK 9-0. | "Think for Yourself"
Everyone voted on this battle because it was the first up by several days, so I'm not going to spend too much time on it. zygote embodied the topic with a brilliant takeout on a machine trained to play chess at optimal patterns against humans that decides to emote for itself and instead uses a very unusual strategy. Obviously zygote won when he wrote about a robot attempting to feel emotions. But YDK gave him a much better battle than the votes show. YDK wrote about one of Spartacus' companions. My qualm was that I'm not sure joining a group is actually thinking for yourself. It's like when so-called nonconformists wear black and listen to goth music. But he wrote it well and could have won had he not faced the best concept and approach on the topic of the week.


4. Adonis beats King Ra. 6-0. | "Child of Nature"
This battle was a terrific clash of styles. Adonis went with the small scale, writing about water as the bringer of life. In a way, he avoided the topic by subverting it, writing about the father of nature rather than the child. But the creativity won out, even if numerous voters seemed to have missed the point of his verse. King Ra., meanwhile, went for the grand-scale verse on the apocalypse. I think the biggest problem was that he went with this epic concept with a tremendous opener and then kind of let it fizzle out underdeveloped. When you're going to go big, 327 words probably doesn't cut it, even when your opponent only writes 163. But this battle was really good, and these guys both have so much potential waiting to be fully tapped.


5. timeless beats Mike Wrecka 5-3. | "Getting Better"
It's impressive that timeless has so clearly taken to trying so many different things as he works out what his style is. And he's been rather successful with a wide variety of writing formats and styles. Here he used two distinctly different styles, one in an abstract, rhyme-driven first stanza and the other in a more topical, content-driven second. I thought the second stanza was better, but his approach through both was creative enough to get him the win. Mike Wrecka went for a very straight-forward topic inversion and didn't expand enough on how technology has decelerated society to land with most voters. He's capable of better and promises it for the future.


6. Vulgar wins via Pinot Grij no-show. | "Run for Your Life"
Vulgar went right at Pinot Grij with an over-the-top storytelling spectacle in my favorite verse of the week. He used his very distinct method of storytelling, which strips back some of his more abstract tendencies. It's not my favorite style for him, as it loses a lot of what makes him unique. But here it really worked because the concept, a basketball-playing assassin-type, was so damn interesting. This would have been one hell of a battle if Pinot Grij had shown.


7. Mr. J wins via sacrifice no-show. | "Tell Me What You See"
Sensing a no-show, Mr. J went for a little cypher-style verse with a lot of wordplay and a great flow. He didn't do too much and didn't put the topic at the heart of his verse, which can be a tendency of his even in real matches. But here he had not a lot to lose, as sacrifice's no-show was predictable.



NO-SHOW SHINE by oats
There only were two no-shows this week, but they were by certified topical greats.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfWEPu0w-7w


Vulgar: "Run for Your Life"

To echo most others who read this, this was atypical coming from Vulgar. Devoid of social commentary or conspiracy theories, this was a fairly straightforward tale of a serial killer at a local pickup game. No cascading imagery or allusions to be found, this was a pretty hilarious take on the topic, and it would have made a great foil for Pinot Grij had he shown.

A young Jewish boy named Yehuda, who somehow managed to possess athletic abilities in spite of his semitic genetics, was mortified as a last-minute addition to a pickup game turned out to be a maniacal knife-fighter (and slam dunk extroardinaire), mercilessly slicing through Yehuda’s childhood friends and teammates. As it turns out, this wasn’t as random as Yehuda believed - a slight twist that ties the verse together at the end. This could have been BOTW material if Pinot came with his usual off-the-wall subject matter, but Vulgar’s verse is a hilarious, twisted tale that’s worth reading on its own.


Mr. J: "Tell Me What You See"

A short exercise in wordplay, J wrote an interesting abbreviation of a verse that focused more on creativity and rhyme than on cohesive content. Which I enjoy, might I add; not everything needs to be a profound statement. Sometimes it’s nice to see people enjoy the creative outlets of language, and I would have liked to read this in a longer, more complete version. But as is, it’s still a cool read.



Week 6 Preview
POWER RANKINGS by Adonis
Apparently, if you disagree with Adonis' personal opinions, go fuck yourself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPLOI0PFoF8&feature=kp


6. YDK (3-2)
Dude has had the most steady climb to relativity in the upper echelon that I can remember, maybe since Diode who also came out of no where to string together the longest win streak in AOWL history, but fuck that bish ;). Anyways, Kuhn has elevated each week and pretty much dropped a top 5 verse consistently. The reason he is not in the Top 5 in my opinion is, he simply lacks that signature win. He seems to beat everyone until he reaches the top, say a contender match or match verse an elite writer, then just gets slightly out classed. I do the same, but YDK on this current projection should finish top 6 come seeding. Tough slot as each match will be against elite, but I'm slowly becoming a believer in this inbred from incest Suite and Inn.


5. zygote (4-1)
Mechanics beyond measure, solid flow, originality that is unmatched, daring approaches that half the league would never think of let alone have the wherewithal to execute; when dude is firing from all cylinders he will take the field to school, fact. This guy can and will make his way up the food chain, he'll either win the title or at the very least have multiple Champ matches, Fact. Lets be real, if ground breaking made any type of sense and wasn't a stupid fucking saying, this guy would wear that crown. I imagine Ziggie as a skinny white dude with a slight stubble sporting dress clothes to work (I believe he is a professor, am I wrong sir?), and when he writes he does so listening to Simon and Garfunkel with a fan on slow smoking a cigarette just typing 3 pages of blurb and condensing after he's wrote a fucking essay. He also loves the dick, fact!


4. El Pancake (2-1)
I don't know where to go with this guy. He can drop some Classic Hall of Fame type verse at any second, or just write about the weather using the sun as his inkwell in such detail that he wins...And really didn't even try. He is the current champion, and nobody can take that from him. I don't think he's been uber motivated this season, including a hissy-fit over his loss to Mr. Jdub himself. But when he's ready to make that post season push, you might be better off PM'ing Certain's Bish Ass asking to not square dance with this black haired Emo hipster, who pops ecstasy while sipping a Pina Colada whilst sun bathing in his backyard; even though he doesn't have a pool; just trying to get his Akon on.


3. Frank (4-1)
Frank might be the only person I know who believes in his troll. The fact that confidence is his name, doesn't make him a Cock loving Fagot. No, the fact that he “secretly” wants my dick in his ass makes him a faggot. Dude is probably the most polarizing/controversial member in AOWL history, also one of its best/least classiest all rolled into one. Frank has been known to push the envelope, testing any MOD's patience during each week; but the talent can't be denied. He has been consistent this season, dropping his usual work only slightly under what I believe is his talent level. I expect this week's match up between best buds (Cake and Glare) will be one of the best this season, or any season for that matter, will have to offer. Hey Frank, I want you to know I pray for you to fail every season.


2. Just Write (3-1)
Like Cake, I think Jdub took a break because he was upset about a loss, which was a loss none the less, but he did have a good showing, just outclassed. I went back and looked a bit into what has been posted this season, Jdub simply has been the most consistent safe one member not counting myself ;). Just write has this uncanny ability to write a pure story line with butter like flow, all while staying right on topic following his method of (mostly) surprised ending. I always knew he was talented, but this season he's been a different type of monster. I would like to see more signature wins and maybe a venture or two outside his usual realm of writtens, but I can't knock something that works. Just Write came out of nowhere this season, although we all saw the potential, and I expect this ranking to only bolster his effort in the eventual climb to my level. (Someday my friend, someday.)


1. oats (5-0)
I like mine Lumpy bro, with brown sugar and cooked with a cinnamon stick....mmmmmm. Oats might be his own worst enemy. I've noticed he's been taking these estranged angles or takes on each topic thus far. While this is all fine and dandy, the level of difficulty is so great that he simply might write beyond the readers comprehension, or say if I didn't have time to decipher a verse and could only drop a quick vote it may fly over my perfectly symmetrical noggin. So far he has not run into much trouble in lieu of competition, even though according to the peoples champ himself, Oats lost to Frank last week. In all honesty, Oats has been around the block, I can't remember if I had him in the original power ranking I did week one or so, if I did I likely referenced the skill level and the fact that lack of motivation would be the reason he would lose. It seems this little Kiwi has had the fortune of free time on his hands, and has constructed these in depth and extremely articulate verses that, well, to put it plainly; there is a reason he is champ and undefeated, and it's not just because he hasn't faced me either.



PREDICTIONS by Certain and big baby
You can just pretend you read my part and skip right over it to the headliner. Oh, and every battle is a battle of the week candidate this week. We have six fucking battles.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ecObhCK-BA


Championship: oats (5-0) vs. zygote (4-1) | “Conquer yourself rather than the world.” — René Descartes
This is a rematch, our first of the season. zygote has not lost since his Week 2 shutout via the first champion of the season. But I think this topic is very much in his wheelhouse, and he really impressed me last week with one of the two best verses of the week. Still, oats is on fire right now and can't do any wrong in the eyes of the voters. I'm going with what might be considered a mild upset. Prediction: zygote 52-48.
BIG BABY SAYS: Fucking boring ass topic. Oats proposes a memoir about his sexual BDSM experiences with himself. In conquering himself, he can learn to conquer the world through sexuality. Hence the open Hawaiian flamboyance, and hippie urge to smoke weed with his retarded students. Fucking moron. Certain is then revealed to be Oats sexual partner, hence oats' odd winning streak. Bags is jealous as he wants to date Oats. zygote writes about a russian cadet soldier private in the 94th infantry of belurussias sensual red army drill division playing chess with kasparov solving Pi 3.14 fuck you crime detective scenes with a battlerap 9 bullshit revolver. El Pancake sarcastically uses the term "overmarching theme" opposed to his repetitive term "over arching". oats loses horrifically as his california sunshine rainbowesque gay kissy kissy honey-boo-boo peach skin pink underwear lace wearing win streak comes to a fucking end. Zygote 5-1. Fuck you


Contender match: Adonis (3-2) vs. timeless (3-2) | “The purpose of all wars is peace.” — Saint Augustine
Adonis has been coming really strong with it this season. I wasn't a fan of his style at all for my first few months on this site, but he has shifted it a bit with a stronger emphasis on flow. timeless is dangerous because he's very creative and works hard. I'm really excited to see what happens in this matchup, even if it's like that the winner loses next week to oats or zygote. Prediction: Adonis 55-45.
BIG BABY SAYS: If these are the contenders then holy shit, this league sucks I might join to strengthen or make something interesting. Both of these jerks incorporate some call of duty code of honor war story Halo 4 shotgun bazooka bubblegum action with the strength of a Mel Gibson Braveheart skirt. Lame. Adonis's implores that she is not a girl but a guy but fuck you woman. timeless elevates a bit and gets hit on by DG. They commence dating later. Three months later, a sex tape is sold by Diode who claims he's an entrepreneur; for 3 easy payments of 14.99. Aero buys stock. He goes bankrupt. Fuck you. timeless wins a nailbiter. No, thats what he wins. DG has a fetish for nail biting. Lol sorry timeless you get ethered. 6-1.


El Pancake (2-1) vs. Frank (4-1) | “The corruption of the best things gives way to the worst.” — David Hume
This is the obvious battle of the week pick on paper. How will Frank respond to a loss followed by a matchup against his nemesis? How will El Pancake feel about the mere possibility of losing to Frank? These are two of the five best writers signed in right now, maybe even two of the three. I didn't know who to pick, so I'm siding with the repeat of their last bout. Prediction: El Pancake 51-49.
BIG BABY SAYS: Rematch of the Champions. ROFL. sike nah. these motherfuckers suck ass. El Pancake carves a delineating outline about a first person view of his admin'ing on netcees. He talks about how he's corrupt. The idea is solid and everything is ok until the fire nation attacks. He drops a classic overused template line of his that goes:
"Drinking whiskey with some gin straight,
Kissing my girlfriend touching her hands with some whiskey. Gins straight."
He is called out on his constant flamboyance and gets fired from his banking job due to a spiraling pancake doom. Frank takes advantage of this unhealthy cycle of Pancakes but still has inefficient. His writing about how he should win every battle and how Certain is corrupt and pays voters to vote against him is seen in bad taste. Frank tattoos "fukc the AOWL" on his back with fuck spelled wrong. He loses 91-2. The battles put up on over 3 sites for mass voting. The first of its kind. Pancake stops lifting.


Just Write (3-1) vs. YDK (3-2) | “The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.” — Karl Marx
YDK gets frustrated after losses sometimes, so that will be worth keeping an eye out. Just Write has returned to us with fire in his heart to prove he was wronged in his loss to oats. I have a bad feeling this could be lopsided, even though we all know YDK can beat Just Write if he goes in on it. YDK might even be the more polished writer. Prediction: Just Write 63-37.
BIG BABY SAYS: Lmfao. Just Write writes about his cutting attempts with blades on his little effeminate bitch wrists. dyedinthewool feels sympathy for just and has a 7-page back and forth consoling effort with Just Write. He makes a video and posts it in discussion as a live stream of his suicide. YDK is losing 2-3 while the video is being made and actually roots for JW's harakiri attempt. We see Just Write has a batman hanging from his cieling. A roast thread led by Bags further provokes the suicide. It is televised nationally. 76 members are jailed for conspiracy to a murder. Rawn MD is the only one left on the board with Sicc. The board closes down due to wackness and gayness 6 days and 12 hours later. YDK loses to a corpse and is ensued to constant buttrape in jail for being the #1 assister in suicide. YDKS verse sucked. zygote continues to bash participants with his commentary.


Mike Wrecka (2-3) vs. King Ra. (2-3) | “Life can only be understood backwards.” — Søren Kierkegaard
Mike Wrecka told me he's going to go all-in this week after another disappointment last week, right when he was on the precipice of the contender match. That's good to hear because Mike Wrecka is very good when he goes all-in. I hope King Ra. does the same in this matchup of the principle Season 1 moderator against the principle Season 2 moderator. King Ra. has more upside, but the stable hand is the better bet here. Prediction: Mike Wrecka 54-46.
BIG BABY SAYS: Mike Wrecka goes face to face in this bashing of the titans with the under .500 loser percentage. King Ra writes about a hermaphrodite looking in a mirror, beautifully written tear jerking stuff that makes absolutely no fucking sense. Fuck you. Mike Wrecka uses the philosophers advantage to take hold of Neitszche's abyss and uses a combination of Genocides butt plugs and #whatsundergenosbeanie hashtags to cleverly assimilate his opponent who nobody really knows about even though he's in my unnamed crew. Badweather makes a comment about running a train on Genocides mother. Genocide enters the tournament shortly thereafter with the name "Beanie" They both tie 3-3 and continue to be under .500.


Mr. J (1-2) vs. Totoro (0-3) | “Happiness is not an ideal of reason but of imagination.” — Immanuel Kant
So Totoro is 0-3 (though he would have been 1-2 had he voted). And that's weird as fuck because he's really good, though it neesd to be noted that he is 0-1 in battles decided by votes. Mr. J is 1-2 but also is 0-1 in battles decided by votes. These guys have huge upside but both might ignore the topic or relate so tangentially no one gets it. This will be a fascinating battle. Prediction: Totoro 57-43.
BIG BABY SAYS: I'm crying at how bad Totoro sucks. Disgraceful loser. Totoro drops 0-4 while these two go toe-to-toe in all-out, brazen, Dragon Ball Z style warfare. Mr. J Spirit Bombs' the living fuck out of Totoro's shitty ideal imagination reason of happiness, whom writes about a surfboard palooza wave catching homo who expedites an illegal alien ambidextrous lesbian named Toto (short for his loser ass name). Frank is the only one that votes for him which I quote: "FUCK AOWL BUNHC OF DICKRIDING FAGGOTS I FUCKING WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP WHO THE FUCK WANT IT" Complete with typos and passive aggressiveness and maturity of a 6 year old wanker faggot who is groundstomping in his light-up Sketchers cause daddy wouldnt buy him a piece of shit buzz-light year. You fucking suck Totoro. I'm glad Mr. J butt fucks your stupid ass to oblivion. 7-1 Mr. J Wins 4 more people enter this week due to this particular slaughter.



Closing Time
CONCLUSION by Certain


Thanks to oats, Adonis and big baby for their contributions to this magazine. And thanks to all of you for reading it and for participating in the league. Let's keep it going.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ImD4l1l0bA

[oats]

I shall add that album to the "To Download" list. dope mag once again, Certain and co.


edit: just did, listening to Fabulous Ones and I immediately agree with your prognosis/comparison. You're an impressive man, Certain.

[e11even]

fucking tears. i have been invigorated.

[King Ra.]

I will be bring it this week too, Mike Wrecka. Everything in the arsenal.

[PancakeBrah]

Big baby keeps bringing up one line from one open mic I posted months ago. I am dissapoint. Its like you're not even trying anymore :(

Dope mag again. The over arching theme was excellent. I like the album section that was unique. Adonis' rankings were funny. Big baby brought his usual lols.

Good stuff sirs, as always.

[Just Write]

Lol big baby why you trying to be like zyg now? Fuck twitter, no followers in this bitch. Be your own leader.

[Vulgar]

Dope magazine guys.

[big baby]

sorry Just Write

[Certain]

Don't apologize for being you.

[dyedinthewool]

Don't apologize for being you.

Amen amen halleloo!!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jfrxHga02G0/Tneni_mjCoI/AAAAAAAAANs/pDOvaN8gFFo/s1600/Happy1.jpg

Very very awesome magazine bwoys ^__^
I like I like

[timeless]

more good reads

lol big baby whos DG?

[Just Write]

more good reads

lol big baby whos DG?

Dg=delicious girl aka queenhoney

[Just Write]

sorry Just Write

I still love da baby

[Just Write]

Triple post Adonis lol @ someday my friend, someday.

Yo for real tho, take me under thoust wing and teach me thine ways.

[King Ra.]

I only used 327 words? 649 dropping this week.

[timeless]

Lol delicious girl smh

Why isnt he/she in the league?

[Certain]

Lol delicious girl smh

Why isnt he/she in the league?

QueenHoney, join us!

[Witty]

She is too good.

[Witty]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jfrxHga02G0/Tneni_mjCoI/AAAAAAAAANs/pDOvaN8gFFo/s1600/Happy1.jpg

....

What exactly do you think you are doing?

[Certain]

Penguins are top five in the animal kingdom.

Foxes are not even top 20.

[Witty]

Penguins are top five in the animal kingdom.

Foxes are not even top 20.

Shut up Certain.

This is not about the fox, this is personal.

She knows what she did...This is war.

WAR.

[Witty]

My hate of penguins is actuall why The Fox exists in the first place.

Penguins are scum.

Top 5 in the animal kingdom?

PLS CERTAIN.

THEY CAN'T EVEN FLY...AND THEY ARE BIRDS!!!

stoopid penguins.

[timeless]

the dog from Bad Moon is top of top 5.

what was his name, Thor?

[Witty]

The dog from UP! is my favourite dog...followed closely by both dogs from homeward bound.

[Certain]

A penguin's razor-sharp beak undoubtedly is why your fox lacks a left eye.

[Witty]

A penguin's razor-sharp beak undoubtedly is why your fox lacks a left eye.

Certain, The Fox has 2 eyes...did you never see him before his monocle and top hat?

The thought that a weak ass penguin could do that to a creature as majestic as The Fox makes me laugh

EL OH EL CERTAIN.

[Certain]

Fox loses to Penguin:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_v._Franken

[dyedinthewool]

http://i.imgur.com/1IMJN7w.jpg

[Witty]

Certain those are companies.

COMPANIES ARE NOT REAL ANIMALS CERTAIN.

[Witty]

dyedinthewool don't try me lil homie....I will crush you!

[dyedinthewool]

dyedinthewool don't try me lil homie....I will crush you!

Little but lethal

Small but strong like reptar

Tiny but mighty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDkENS4saAY

[PancakeBrah]

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[dyedinthewool]

That's not nice flapjack.

[PancakeBrah]

I'm a foul person.

[Frank]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion

[Witty]

Little but lethal

Small but strong like reptar

Tiny but mighty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDkENS4saAY

I will not even dignify that video with a response.

But I will say, you are small but you ballllll :p

[PancakeBrah]

Neither animal is "better" than the other. You guys are just carrying on a silly conversation for the sake of having a silly conversation. I won't stand for this, not now. Not ever. The fox is a carnivorous dog-like mammal that, if properly provoked, is harmful to human beings. The penguin has been marginalized by mainstream media. It's an animal, not some play thing, living in harsh tundra conditions. You both are simply silly. Weird for the purpose of being weird. These are affectations. If I met Witty in real life I would show him to an empty room with a starving fox. If I met DITW in real life I would assess her attractiveness. If found wanting I would show her to an empty room with a penguin. Do you know what the penguin would do? Nothing. Because it's a base animal that isn't aware of it's supposed "cuteness". This harsh reality would be a lesson learned. If Witty were to survive the fox, which I doubt because he is meek, I would sit him down with DITW and have them talk about this very conversation and how silly it was. It's rustling my jim jams that neither of you embrace the ruthless and calculating nature of nature. Enough is enough. We all have man poems to write. Please focus.

[Certain]

I'm a fowl person, in that fowls such as penguins are better than foxes.

[PancakeBrah]

"lol"
-Certain

[Certain]

Hi, El Pancake. How is your day going?

[PancakeBrah]

Good. I'm tired. I wake up at 5:50 every morning to lift. My brother has started going with me this week. Which is a positive in that I have a spotter. I enjoy people wanting to improve themselves. On the other hand, I use the gym as an escape and a release. I find that my strong anti-social tendencies are heightened and even embraced in the gym environment. When alone at the gym I blast some ignorant hip hop or rawk and get angry. It's not an overt anger, but I realize it's there. I then lift stupid heavy weights. So his going has me off-center, as I feel compelled to converse or answer any questions he may have. All in all I'll adjust. That's what always happens to everyone every time everywhere. You just adjust. Different becomes the norm, always. I also worked today. I stayed up late watching Dexter. Paired with the aforementioned waking up early, I was dragging ass today. Put off some assignments because fuck it. Conversed with some co-workers. We talked about the crazy St. Patrick's Day we all had at a bar in Minneapolis. This is fine. The fact we still talk about that night is troubling. Repetitive. Speaks to a lack of common interests, that we all have to go back to what should be a faded touchstone. They're just acquaintances so it's of no import. My boss will be getting replaced soon, which is excellent. I know it's normal to bitch about your boss but he truly is a lazy one. I won't shake his hand when he's canned. An attractive woman from a different office is at the cubicle next to me for the week, apparently. Which is nice. She has attractive breasts. Which is nice. I went home for lunch. Microwaved some chicken I had cooked previously. Ate that with some carrots. Serviceable lunch. I ate six slices of this amazing french bread, with butter, last night. Today was good, health-wise, though. Had some beef tips and broccoli for dinner. Watching Dexter now. Hoping to be asleep by nine tonight but I always get caught up with something, despite knowing I'm fucking myself in the morning.

[Witty]

El Pancake where is your loyalty to The Fox?
dyedinthewool knows that war with Witty is a war even a seasoned gladiator like herself can never win.

I thought we were bros :(

[Witty]

Your post was epic tho.

Even during my sadness I must pay homage to such a post.

[Witty]

Also, meek?

Lol plz pancake.

[PancakeBrah]

I once stabbed a kid in the leg with a pencil during lunch.

[Witty]

I once threw a rock in this guy's face and got detention.

[PancakeBrah]

I once jerked off during family movie night.

[Witty]

I once licked a pile of dirt cuz my friend said it would make me magic.

[PancakeBrah]

I once correctly predicted who a girl would sleep with the next night whilst enjoying pillow talk after coitus with her, out loud.

[dyedinthewool]

I once stabbed a kid in the leg with a pencil during lunch.

Funny you say that. I once went through the same situation only I got him by his eye. And I was in 2nd grade. He broke my crayons and told me my mom wasn't going to pick me up from school.

[PancakeBrah]

wtf you can't stab people in the eye with a....wtf.

wtf.

is he blind?

[Witty]

I once correctly predicted who a girl would sleep with the next night whilst enjoying pillow talk after coitus with her, out loud.

I once told a girl we couldn't date because we were cousins, even though we were not, and she believed me.

I was young and foolish, now I understand that the truth must always be told.

[PancakeBrah]

I once threw a steak knife at my brother fully intending to cause him bodily harm.

[oats]

I told my black 8th grade teacher that she wouldn't be yelling at me as much if my name was Jamal.

[PancakeBrah]

I once asked my mother why my young friend was black.

[dyedinthewool]

He is not blind. My intention wasn't to cause bleeding, I was 8 and full of happiness. And then my crayons were under attack. Where is your compassion? He got what he had coming!

I got the side of his eyebrow

[Witty]

Aye bros is it bad that most of these things are things I could imagine all of us doing at this age?

[Witty]

Nobody fucks with teh crayons tbreal.

[PancakeBrah]

The jerking off during family movie night would be troubling.

[Witty]

Troubling + Exciting + Totally worth it.

[oats]

one of my peers in 8th grade jerked off in class, which I always believed to be the boldest, most tragically horny things I've ever been around. Notice how I didn't say ballsiest.

[PancakeBrah]

Probably the same one-eyed dude DITW maimed as a child.

[oats]

probably witty

[Witty]

Dead oats two ppl I know got expelled for having sex in school when they were 13.

That's the kinda school I went to lol

[oats]

Dead oats two ppl I know got expelled for having sex in school when they were 13.

That's the kinda school I went to lol

see that's kinda legendary though. jerking off in class is just super pathetic and unsettling.

[Witty]

probably witty

Probably.

[Just Write]

My niece seen a black person for the first time when she was six and asked the lady why she was so dirty

[Witty]

My niece seen a black person for the first time when she was six and asked the lady why she was so dirty

Ayo, I said before that I would def beat you in a topical battle.

I actually think it would be very close and there is every chance I could lose.

I remembered saying that and felt bad.

[Witty]

I'm thinking of changing my name back to The Witness.

I'm hoping it might inspire me to write topicals.

[Certain]

I once wrote an obscene "character journal" assignment in seventh grade under the correct assumption that the character I was assigned would be similarly obscene. I got in trouble at first but made a well-reasoned point to the principal that the teacher was not qualified if she honestly felt from reading our book that the character would not curse. I had detention for one day.

[Witty]

Certain do you get high much?

[Certain]

No, not often.

[Just Write]

Ayo, I said before that I would def beat you in a topical battle.

I actually think it would be very close and there is every chance I could lose.

I remembered saying that and felt bad.

Thanks... I think

[oats]

certain on crank

[Certain]

I'm high on life, friends.

[Witty]

Me too, and also drugs.

[dyedinthewool]

up in the clouds

[Witty]

Not rly.

I am looking after a child, that would be irresponsible.

[YDK]

are we still talking about public masturbation?
cuz let me tell ya I got LOADS of stories about that, seriously, ask my neighbors

[Certain]

I shall add that album to the "To Download" list. dope mag once again, Certain and co.


edit: just did, listening to Fabulous Ones and I immediately agree with your prognosis/comparison. You're an impressive man, Certain.

I'm glad someone appreciated that section. Have you listened to the full album?

[dyedinthewool]

I'm glad someone appreciated that section. Have you listened to the full album?

What album am I?

[oats]

almost finished with it now, only listened to a few songs last night, gave it a straight run-through today. I dig it a lot, never listened to them before

[oats]

What album am I?

2pacalypse Now

[dyedinthewool]

2pacalypse Now

I can totally live with that. Brenda 's got a baby was playing on my way to work

[Certain]

What album am I?

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.

[Certain]

Witty is Detox.

[Fig]

Me

[dyedinthewool]

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.

That's deep. I was 11 with a high ponytail and curls at the top in the middle of queens just chillin in 98'. That album is seriously ill.

[Witty]

Witty is Detox.

Yesssss.

[Fig]

I fell in love at work today

We got this new busser

She was a cutey white girl with a big butt and those hipsterish square frame glasses.

I started talking to her and we realized we both have the same aspirations in life.

The night was followed with glances being traded from across the room

She'll be having my child

I know this

[Certain]

I fell in love at work today

We got this new busser

She was a cutey white girl with a big butt and those hipsterish square frame glasses.

I started talking to her and we realized we both have the same aspirations in life.

The night was followed with glances being traded from across the room

She'll be having my child

I know this

What's her name?

[e11even]

I'm thinking of changing my name back to The Witness.

I'm hoping it might inspire me to write topicals.

I can't live up to my name because I would never get votes. Shame. I should change it to Digest or Epic Movie or Pretentious Bastard. Actually B@zturd is great. Naaaaaaaah.

I'm glad someone appreciated that section. Have you listened to the full album?

Im thoroughly curious though. Which am I?

[Certain]

I'm not picking for anyone else. Sign in, stay in and be part of the next round.

[e11even]

Sexist.

[dyedinthewool]

Sexist.

Lmao I'm sorry :(

[e11even]

I'm suddenly no longer angry. No worries. Just feel a lil left out is all.

[Witty]

Vividlyvague - don't mind Certain, he is a diva sometimes.

We are your friends :)

[e11even]

Vividlyvague - don't mind Certain, he is a diva sometimes.

We are your friends :)

my mother taught me to cherish the animal kingdom. The love has come full circle. :)

[Witty]

Your mother is a wise lady.

[Fig]

What's her name?

Heather

[e11even]

yummy name. reminds me of heather graham.

[PancakeBrah]

Why? Because her name is Heather?

That's silly, vividlyvague

[Certain]

What if Winona Ryder and Christian Slater kill her before you can have sex with her, Fig?

[Fig]

What if Winona Ryder and Christian Slater kill her before you can have sex with her, Fig?

At that point, id take it as a sign that it wasnt meant to be

[e11even]

I would just cry.


Cake, Heather Graham is sexy. Shut it up.

[Baron Mynd]

Much respect to Certain for taking the time on the interview.