SOCIO-ECONOMIC RAMIFICATION: CHAMPAGNE IN A PAPER CUP

[Certain]

Jerry woke at 6:10 a.m. day by day
and made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and shave his grays.
Jerry moved at snail's pace at first but soon found speed with shower's help
and kissed Sue and powered out to work where he would drown himself.
The paper-pushing passed the time, he'd say, and Jerry didn't mind the laze
of every stitch of dry malaise if he could head off by 5 most days.

It's 3:42 p.m. Friday, and Doris stops by Jerry's cubicle.
"Jerry, Mr. Roosevelt would like to discuss some news with you.
Please go to his office as soon as possible. Thank you, though, hun."
Doris had a Midwestern perkiness and breasts to hang your coat on.
So Jerry stopped on his latest report and made the trek to Office 6,
the biggest on the floor, but still three down from top execs.
Mr. Roosevelt was on the phone but hung it up when Jerry arrived,
and ushered Jerry in with a silent sweep of his arm from left to his right.
"Jerry, thank you for coming, and so promptly, I might add."
With the gaudy office light, Mr. Roosevelt's eyes were coffee in a wine glass.
"You've been with us for 16 years and know this company back and forth,
and in that time, you've handled business with a certain tactful course.
But now, in last resort, I have to do what — crap, ol' sport —
I don't want to have to do this, but it's time you pack up fort."
No laugh. No snort.

Jerry stared at the floor for minutes, contemplating mortgage payments
and Terrence's tuition. And that new roof. And, of course, his parents.
They would need support and caring soon. Instead, defaults would come.
Jerry stared at the 12-foot window and imagined a vaulting jump.

Instead, Jerry put his pictures in boxes and gave away his stash of pens.
Jerry said good-bye to Nancy and George but mostly lacked the head
to offer fake farewells to people Jerry didn't really like or dislike.
So he stacked his books and bobble heads and hiked to his ride.
The Camry felt cramped as Jerry jammed his stuff in the back.
There's that muffler again. There's that sputter on gas.

Jerry pulled into his driveway and sat in the car for a few.
trying to pull together the words to explain this garbage to Sue.
When he walked in, the lights flickered on. "SURPRISE!" in a great erupt.
The banner said, "HERE'S TO THE NEXT 50!" in colorful display above.
And Susan came to him first, with a kiss and champagne in a paper cup.

[e11even]

Damn, Frank. This was loved. I actually expected something a bit more climactic, but you killed it like a MW rendition of Frank. Dope shit.

"Jerry stared at the floor for minutes, contemplating mortgage payments
and Terrence's tuition. And that new roof. And, of course, his parents.
They would need support and caring soon. Instead, defaults would come.
Jerry stared at the 12-foot window and imagined a vaulting jump."


That's what dug the hooks in. Great stuff.

[Sick]

Cool


Mr. Roosevelt was on the phone but hung it up when Jerry arrived,
and ushered Jerry in with a silent sweep of his arm from left to his right.
"Jerry, thank you for coming, and so promptly, I might add."
With the gaudy office light, Mr. Roosevelt's eyes were coffee in a wine glass.

[dead man]

Wrong account zyg.

[Dove Dozer]

Nice rhyming. Bars where too long for my taste. But to each their own.

[Fig]

Wrong account zyg.

Came here to make this joke but with a hint of sexual corruption

[Certain]

Wrong account zyg.Came here to make this joke but with a hint of sexual corruption

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

[Fig]

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Shut up bitch you know I feed your pieces

Where's cake so he can comment on your condescension

I'll get this later

[Certain]

Do not speak to me with that tone.

[Fig]

I lost respect for you when dad turned gay

[PancakeBrah]

Well this was good.

I think you do conversation better than almost everybody. At the same time, it's the smallest bit stilted for rhyme. Still so good. Very character.

As a personal preference, I think you over rely on the first name. Jerry. For me, if I were to write this, I'd say Jerry at the beginning and just push 'he' throughout. Maybe say 'Jerry' again at some pivotal point.

Your rhymes are so very good. Not Neighbor or Dull boy good. A different kind of good. Very contextual. You write with a point, knowing you have to tack on a syllable to match. Your content is very much more important than such frivolities.

The ending was everything. Most people who write here are so afraid. That's how I am in the AOWL, to cater to an audience. Here you just wrote. There were conversations. There was a plot. Ultimately, there's no real decisive ending. Just a slice of life, of awkwardness. We've all been there. Center of attention without 'them' knowing your own sense of self-worthiness. There are specks of a global spectrum here but that's not what you're going for. It's just, here's a thing. Champagne in a paper cup for future nostalgia you'll never long for. There's no crazy suicide topical ending. It's real life.

So well done.

[zygote]

That’s a great effort, but for that kind of topic you could have written about a futuristic dystopia where the government is run by a company called “Quoqua Quola” and the most common drink (even more than water) is like a mixture of alcohol and pain-killers something called “Sham-pain.” The government uses beams to give the people constant headaches so they need to repeatedly buy the drink. With the title, CORPORATE DYSTOPIA: ADDICTIVE BEVERAGE AUTHORITARIANISM. In all seriousness, this was good, there is perhaps a slight issue with the title, the word ‘RAMIFICATION’ doesn’t sit well, it feels like an unfinished sentence clause (maybe ‘RAMIFICATIONS’). Besides that, very effective critique of corporate cost efficiency and an organizational culture of downsizing, the little part about the main characters thoughts on explaining everything was an excellent way to show the human cost to those economic measures.

[Certain]

Sham-Pain was my second option.

[david stern razor burns]

Perfect feedback from Pancake, I basically agree with everything he said. You really captured that awkward feeling of having all the attention on you and not wanting it, or feeling guilty about it. Very original, straightforward concise writing. Solid open mic, Certain.