Week 8: 5. zygote (5-2) vs. X. MMLP (0-1) \\ zygote wins 5-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=65561).

Topic:

http://i.imgur.com/PsQR1ZH.jpg

Good luck, zygote and MMLP.

[zygote]

GERMANIC FOLKLORE: TWINS UND KITE.

In olden times when the deep forest was great,
there lived a small family in a house by a lake.
Mama and Papa and Baldur the schnauzer made three,
Then along came young Josef and his sister Marie.
The good twins would sit crosslegged on the cold wooden floor,
As Mama cooked trout Papa caught from the shore.
Josef and Marie had one favorite toy,
A little red kite that both filled them with joy.

Papa would say; “This kitebanner carries our house - von Kirtschoff,
It was my grandfathers; this is our sigil - the Red on Black Cross.”

On one windy day Josef and Marie went out to play,
And a strong gust of wind blew the red kite away.
Josef tried to hold on with all of his might,
But try as he might, the kite still took flight.
Marie also grabbed onto the little kites string,
No matter her effort, the kite took up its wings.
Further and further it floated up high,
Further and further it went up into the sky.
Both twins were pulled along by the kite,
They were brought into the deep forest as day turned to night.

Then all of a sudden the kite just went limp,
The twins watched as it fell straight into a ditch.
Inside the ditch there was a haggard Yule witch.
Her face was covered in ticks and it flickered and twitched.
She slept in a pit filled with rabbit bones and robin beaks,
The Yule witch awoke, “Who disturbs me from my sleep?”
She noticed the children and her face turned sweet, -
“Tell me dearest children, why do you weep?”

Marie spoke up; “Our red kite has fallen into your well.”
The Yule witch replied; “Don’t worry my child, of course I can help.”
The Yule witch returned a black kite, and the twins went home,
As the twins trudged onwards it started to snow,
And along the way Marie caught a terrible cold.
On the way home she died by the side of the road.

DAS ENDE.

[MMLP]

Here im jobless, abrasive and dark
years of college, was taken apart
cleared my knowledge, got wasted at parties,
feared this promise, delayed getting started
the things i wanted, had raised question marks
being accomplished, the fame with the stardom
seemingly, opting for grades was the problem
would start panicking lots, now with every line or page
my life had changed and I became so lethargic
night and day, racing by enraged
neared a monster, impatient at heart
neither did prosper, or maintain a job
nothing to reminisce about, achieved in nothing
underused, 26, a clown, in need of loving
now im concerned it's a waste
a worthless creation, stuck in a rut
formed in a book, over a third of the way
if love is a must, gotta start turning the page
but im not certified sane, deterred to be radiant
"now ill only ever be a delinquent psycho",
victim of bi polar disorder, loud and rowdy,
you'll write nothing profound about me
"leave behind a mother Amelia,
big brother named Ash
and a loving family and
dysfunctional Dad"
but ill destroy my self before i to anybody else
it is something i must not fear
im ending it, im my own boss, the book stops her...
my finale is nigh, im hanging so high,
disorientated, with a weird noise I am faced with
can barely glance to the side, as I do im happy to find..
'Dad Calling'

[Just Write]

Ill be honest... I didnt like either of these.


Zygote this seemed really sub-par from your usuall drops and the ending was so abrupt, here than gone. I was kinda just sitting here like what the fuck. Idk it just felt uninspired.


MMLP
same with yours, just felt boring and like I was just going through the motions of reading this because I had to. When I read a piece I want to be ao into it that I cant wait for it to end, not the other way around. I actually liked how you started but it just dragged along and didnt really fit the topic very well.


I dont know, both of these pieces felt like half effort pieces to me and it really just boils down to execution in this one and I feel zy wo. That by a fuckin nut hair.


Mvgt=zygote

[timeless]

Zyg, it’s obvious your effort was lackluster this week, however doesn’t mean it wasn’t enjoyable. Nice easy, smooth read. Flow was simple as well, but enough to get by. Kind of had a Hansel & Grettle type of concept running with some dark humor to end it off. Not bad, you could’ve made this a lot doper though.

Slim, started off strong, thought this was going to be a good story/concept but you kind of just dragged it out. Your wording and flow were great until about halfway then it just collapsed. Same with your story, I don’t get what happened at all. Atleast the ending was rushed anyways.

Giving this to ZYG for the more enjoyable read. Had more of a complete concept to run with.

[oats]

Zyg: the folklore tone was pinpoint in this, which is not as easy as you made it seem. In that context, I understand the simplicity of language, though I would have liked to see stronger rhymed, or more assonance of some sort. In any case, the simplicity of the story belied the largeness of emotions that were here: childlike innocence exploring out into the world only to find death. I think this was done in true fairytale spirit. This isn't a verse that jumps out and grabs you as dope, but the subtly of it resonated with me. I also like how it left off without a familial conclusion, leaving the picture as the starting point for me after the verse finished. Idk, I really dug this one.


MMLP: the rhyming was tight, but there were lots of clarity issues for me with this. the book came off to me as a loose symbol of this person's life, and since nothing seemed real to him it was as if he was living in a fictional world, unable to turn the page and start anew. with the faceless specter of his father's mental issues that could possibly be the cause of his bi-polar disorder, the ending of his dad calling while he breathed his final breaths had a nice taste of irony. But it all just felt so vague and peripheral, I needed some more concrete anchors to care about this person.


Vote: Interesting clash here, but I feel like Zyg was just more successful for what he was going for. MMLP had a lot of dope elements bouncing around, but they didn't fit cohesively for me. good battle, both good reads.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok interesting battle here

zygote - took the topic a little too far imo. echoed the storybook picture with a childrens story book sounding verse. it came off simplistic in rhyme scheme and mechanics. the story itself was cool. just the lack of any type of technical fire power was a bit jarring. but I do understand the tone he was going for, and he nailed it I just think it backfired

mmlp - your verse also come off rather simplistic. lacking multis or a complex rhyme structure. but where your opponent at least had some vivid imagery your verse was rather mundane. wasn't very polished I don't think you spent much time on it


vote - zygote

[Certain]

zygote: This was brilliant. The darkness of the end of the story was just the perfect finish, this cruel and unrelentingly genre-specific story. I'm guessing others weren't so praiseful, but I've always loved how you completely absorb topics into the very fabric of your writing style. I try to do the same. You completely embodied the topic and compelled me with the story this week.

MMLP: Presenting your verse like this, centered with commas offsetting rhymes without any grammatical purpose, really made it difficult to dig into the content. But once I did, this was a decent venting verse that was a bit loose with an admittedly difficult topic. The rhymes were what carried you, but I found some of the slants a bit too jarring. Your style reminds me greatly of your buddy Baron Mynd, for what that's worth. But a more creative approach to the topic was needed here.

Vote: zygote