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View Full Version : Black Division Crown Match: TYSON (4-4) VS. patrown (3-3)-- patrown wins, 4-1.


King Ra.
05-22-2013, 12:06 AM
16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SUNDAY 5/26 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due MONDAY 5/27 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends THURSDAY 5/30 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: "If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?" —Stephen Levine




Good luck to both participants. TYSON patrown

TYSON
05-22-2013, 12:28 AM
Rematch son...

patrown
05-22-2013, 07:28 PM
check

TYSON
05-26-2013, 03:59 PM
Extension please

patrown
05-26-2013, 08:00 PM
i was going to ask for one anyways, granted.

TYSON
05-27-2013, 07:13 PM
Nice cars, buggati's, Lamborghinis riding by as a sight to be seen
Draped in vanity, peasants presence is profanity and I look right in miskean
The sun beams in my eye, driving down the Hollywood boulevards
I can hear applause and screams as bitchs jog by in leotards
To see this star is free of charge...call me an egomaniac
Toasting to the good life, this flask and my brains attached
Swerving a lil, but I'm focused on my mission of fucking countless bitchs
Getting whiplash as im taking looks quick fast looking to pounce these women
One caught my eye and I'm in a trance, fixated on how she walks in her pants
Not paying attention I swerve into a ditch flipping my car over now I'm caught in a jam
Blackout for a minute and wake up to debris the world upside downs what I see
Luckily my phones right beside me
I dail 911....

Unsub: hello, I need help fast. I'm stuck in my car on 23rd
Operator: sir, calm down. Help is on the way, so please calm your nerves
Unsub: tell them to hurry, bitch. This point of view of the world is sickening.
operator: well u shouldn't of been looking at that bitch and drinking. hope u took a mental clip of it.
Unsub: motherfucker I don't know wat u talking bout.
Operator: ha...we know all about u mr. Smooth talker.
Rejection is a implausible response which females seem to do, often.
Unsub: u don't know me!! I bag bitchs everyday. I'm a fucking lady's man.
Operator: if I can recall bags is what they barfed in after u approached.
One even thought of rather opening her legs up to a ceiling fan then fucking with this roach.
Unsub: what are u a mind reader? My house is as big as the white house. Who could turn me down?
I sleep on silk sheets, spoil women with minks and take them on frequent trips out of town.
They love me!!!
Operator: is that what u did on the 5th of april in 2006?
Unsub:(pause)
(Hangs up the phone) 'Click'
Unsub: what the fuck is going on? How does she know so much about me?
Operator: lets just say I heard it through the grapevine...
Unsub: bitch, I hung up, how are u still on? I'm taking the battery out now!!!
( takes out battery)
Operator: ....that u hated that women for using u for your money but didn't want to have sex.
So u forced her into a suplex and gagged her. Had your way multiple times then next
U strangled her and then dumped her body in a lake and laughed as she fell
Unsub: (crying) where is the ambulance?
Operator: o yea I forgot to say "haha welcome to hell"

Make your amends early cause the chance to atone could pass
Thinking that lifeline will be waiting but instead them final moments could be your last...

patrown
05-28-2013, 03:04 AM
he woke up to the sea thrown at the shore
an enormous storm's forming, nobody was warned
his clock read six am, under skies screaming blackness
Ron leapt to his bleeding feet clutching his mattress
pushed it to the glass door like he'd already practiced
as it's shattered by hammering wind, scattering fragments
stabbing into the bed Ron staggers with backwards
smashing into a door and blackness afterwards

a moment of clarities supported by a cushion of air
endorphins pushed life along on a pin cushion chair
"Am I dead? Is this death?" silently questioning depth
feel comfort collapse under impressions of steps
"That's the last time I forget the cable bill..
miss the forecasts two days and I'm killed."

Flashes of white became ghostly shapes
the keepers of souls, being slowly assuaged
with secrets of the flesh death coldly explained
by it's cold breath our hope's only regained

eyes open under a doctor's look of adamant patience
who said, you've had an accident, sir. Do you remember your name?
"You can call me Ron. The Atlantic unsafely changed lanes."
Dr. Jensen managed a smile that quickly vanished
You've been here.. a while, and it's strictly procedure I ask this
do you remember today's date, or what year it is?
a glance down at myriads of wires and tubes proved he's serious
"Well, it's July third of two thousand twelve, last I checked."
Sir, the years 5340. You were frozen just after death.
Many feared the extinction of humans ancestral flesh
Previous advances were flawed by specimens not assembled
Now the species may rest as celestial energy history stenciled

trap.
05-28-2013, 07:53 AM
tyson, first half had potential but once you went into the convo it seemed like you just rushed that whole part and came up with an easy ending for it. parts of it didn't even rhyme. i feel like if this was an audio verse, this would've came off A LOT better. you definitely have to be careful when writing verses like those.

patrown, great verse. only problem i have with it is that it doesn't even go with the topic, unless there is some sort of esoteric meaning to it.

well, i think patrown would have won this battle with no problem because he seems to be a better writer than tyson by leaps and bounds. with that said though, patrown didn't even write to the topic, in my eyes, so i guess i'm giving this win to tyson.

idk if it's a rule as to where you have to write to the topic. if there isn't one, i'd give patrown the win and then maybe you guys should tighten up the rules. pce.

Zen
05-28-2013, 10:54 AM
TYSON: I gotta agree with trap and say that the first portion of this was much better than the dialogue. The dialogue to me felt a little strained where the first stanza felt effortless. I feel if you would've wrote as you did in the first section, a more descriptive or I'd say an indirect narrative (I guess that's how you describe it) then this would have worked well. I know I spent most of this saying negatives but that's not to say I didn't enjoy it because I did, but it could've been better man.
patrown: First off let me say that this is the best shit I've ever read by you seriously. You've progressed really far man. This was an a great story here that progressed from great writing. I thought your rhyme scheming here was a little basic and got a bit repetitive over time, but it was nothing too major that really stood out. All in all I would have to say this is a solid piece. Props.

My vote goes to patrown.

Nigma
05-28-2013, 05:38 PM
Tyson, miskean is not a word. The direction you chose to go with this verse had a lot of potential. The 911 call could have been a really sweet concept, however I do not feel you executed it very well. The first half was just alright to me, however the second portion didn't hit. Feel it wasn't believable, I dunno. You took a risk and tried something new and unique, sometimes its just the way she goes.

patrown, biggest complaint is how the verse hardly pertains to the topic. Aside from that it was a fairly interesting read, didn't see the little twist coming at the end. The rhyme scheme wasnt mind blowingly awesome but it was enough to progress the story along without any snags.

Comes down to a verse that I didn't enjoy reading that went along with the topic against a verse I did enjoy that you'd have to argue to find correlation with the topic..

+1 patrown

zygote
05-28-2013, 09:50 PM
Enjoyed Tysons writing, especially the dialogue section, at first when reading it it was offputting because the operator's dialogue was so casual/unprofessional. Then it became clear the operators dialogue was a mirror of the "unsubs" dialogue. Perhaps the unsub never called and is just dying on the road his mind conjuring up some fantasy of rescue. It was very interesting.
Agree with the criticisms for patrown could have made a much strong connection to the topic just by including perhaps a) short attempt for the main character to make a phone call to a loved one before "smashing into a door and blackness afterwards" then b) some dialogue in the year 5340 where before he learns it is the future, he asks to phone call his loved one and tell them he's alright or something. But perhaps this suggestion is also incorrect and unjustified, just felt your story lacked some integral element, can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but feels like some thing was missing/lacked development. Voted for Tyson.

Adonis
05-31-2013, 12:54 AM
I will make this a solid fucking vote as it descides a division winner. But I will be very critical and vote on my own preference...I might come off as a asshole, but read between the lines Fluffers...(google it)

Pat - First stanza...Love the imagery, you set up for some major event. Guy awakes to a monsoon or tidal wave, bleeding feet because of the shattered slidling window...great imagery, however. "Staggers with backwards" is not a proper sentence, the following sentence after that as well, only barely works. There are wording issues in that single bar that could be easily fixed. Second stanze... seems a bit out of place...Almost thrown in. Describing death to a chair to steps, I guess in the end not the best transitions, but I love the pace of the verse and love the incorporated imagery. Third stanze, beautiful slant rhyme truthfully. So far I see you explaining a mans death, love it! After the who said, I had to read a few times to realize you missed the ""...FML...great concept

Pat - there are errors that I listed above such as "history stenciled", but the message you conveyed was still clear as day. A man that died via tsunami; met the gates of hell or heaven, was questioned then awoke after nearly the entire human race was extinct. Great concept may over shadow a few things. 1. some sentence errors, I don't know how to explain it other then some sentences flow, and as far as imagery are amazing, but at the same time they do read fluid. I almost have to do a "double take" if you will, read them twice because the first read it comes off as wrong, bad word..I mean, not a normal sentence. BUT..from my prefrence view, I enjoyed it. You kept the concept hidden until the end, it was original and above else the execution as far as letting the reader know what you are writting is better then most people here could do. Great read, I enjoyed it, if the things I view as slight errors weren't there I could call this a perfect piece not be ashamed of saying that. Wonderfully written, just not perfect...but we never are my friend.

Ty - OK...not sure where to begin..I'll be blount no herbals...I could say I wished it rhymed, but you did rhyme. The problem is you had extreme changes in syllable counts for people to notice the rhyme...example. I feel like a great day, the sun is out and it shines, maybe an umbrella? I just say.""""Sure it rhymes, the flow just wasn't there. The story was ok, a guy in a car accident who viewed the world upside down ( I think that perspective alone could've been a full verse and been one hell of a twist on a concept) but ?? All in all, IDK? the verse just didn't strike me as amazing or bad or OK or anything really. I read it, and that's it. That might sound mean as shit and I apologize, I mean there just ins't much that sets this verse head and shoulders over the next guys clearly

V/patrown - IMO he had the better twist on topic but even more then that still executed his twist more cleanly...even though his was the more difficult and thought provoking piece, he pulled it off and stitched it all together nicer in my opinion.

trap.
05-31-2013, 05:23 PM
patrown wins, 4-1.