AOWL WK13: trap (0-0) VS. UnoQuatroTres (0-0)-- trap wins, 4-2.

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SUNDAY 5/26 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due MONDAY 5/27 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends THURSDAY 5/30 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: "The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him?" ~Chuang Tzu.




Good luck to both participants. trap @UnoQuatroTres

[UnoQuattroThres]

in

[UnoQuattroThres]

http://www.wolverineliberationarmy.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/interrogation-police.jpg
Language

I couldn't understand the linguistics, a foreign concept
Should I feel calm of winds or fear hiding beyond threats
The diction was obtuse in nature but infectiously intricate
Maybe the Syndicate knew secrets of these militants
Me, a simple immigrant who mind works in dimensions
Working wording algorithms with intense precision
Inverted verbs, phrases that would cause anuerisms
Massive plans of invasion written in different aphorisms
He smiled, knowing that the decyphering toys comprehension
I shock nerves to the gruesome point that it causes hypertension

"Should I mention that you cost the lives of half your family?"
"This government commanding me to put you through this agony."
"If it was me, I would walk and work with this alone"
"But I have higher ups who are 'happy trigger' prone"

The smiled widened, passionate hopeful that I fail miserably
I think differently, his disdain sustained hate like it was bigotry
Yet my eyes told a fable that he could connect subliminally
So cynically, he tells me of the basics, disbanding difficulties
Now these notes became maps, troop movements and installments
Deeper we go, the more his innocense screams within his involvement
Soon after, our dialects become one, speaking as if I known this for years
Inquiries shear the conflictions his diction speaks clear

After hours shade the floor, the finality bears his face
Where the trace of his existence on this Earth is erased
Militants are clever, but, underestimating the Syndicate
Their powers that be, their hand in the sinfullness
He gives me the look that brotherhood only produces
The heartstrings knotted, my outter mood confuses
His artful language becomes addictive beyond nature
So much I'm willing to bear the retribution for failure
The lull of these phrases and complex constructs
If my inner thoughts spoke, I'll die for my conduct
Lights darken, the ground rumble, he's gone
Native tongues whisper commands, death, he cheated on
A smile cracks, the time spent, memorable pain
With all the sparring of jargon, I didn't know his name
Just fell with the banter and lessons of a higher communication
And at that second a bullet end my dissertation....

Blood carnation red, a guard stands with an Alsatian
His breath bathes in the stench of cooking by the Malaysians
Muttering the last thoughts of wonderment, my soul passes
Riding words spoken in jibberish and devilish to the masses....

"If we are smitten by words, we can command the birth of worlds"

[trap.]

totally forgot i was signed up for this. i'm here. will post by sunday. pce.

[trap.]

fuck it, keyed


she spent her life as teen trying to impress her fam
joined the air force to serve her country and uncle sam
almost failed basic training twice, was quite a major wreck
used personal courage to gain an ounce of respect
passed that and moved on, a bit ahead of the rat race
worked in a medical field going by at a fast pace
loved her job, even through all the minor stresses
she was living her dream that she was quietly blessed with

work ended for the day when she recieved a call
it was her mother asking if she was gonna see her at all
there was a four day weekend and she planned to take it
going out with her girls at the beach getting wasted
she didn't want to upset her mom so she then replied
base shutdown, can't leave at all with a glint in her eye

she's on the road, traffic's packed and she's multi-tasking
doing make-up, texting away, with the radio blasting
pumped up for the weekend and she just couldn't wait
to get drunk, party hard & maybe go on a couple dates
the van in front was going slow, so she decided to pass
a split second decision that possibly could be her last
see a truck was in the right lane, and stopped in a flash
trying to make a u-turn, she was distracted and crashed
at 65 mph, and her only saving grace
was the weight of a forklift in the back, that crushed the right side of her face

if that weight wasn't there she would've been decapitated
instead her fractured her jaw in four places, lost an eye, but gladly made it
in a coma for a week where no words were spoken
her mother by her side, heart wrenched, totally broken
then for 8 more months she had her jaw clamped shut
17 reconstructive surgeries basically fixed her up
she made it through the worst struggle and all because she was texting
now she tours around the country, telling her story as a blessing
words can be powerful, for that there's no second guessing
but her words and silence proved combined to be the perfect vestige


based on a true story.
didn't count it.

[Adonis]

143 - That first stanza was intricate as hell bro. From you saying english is not your original language to saying you view the words as a puzzle, making the words fit basically blow minds. The funny thing is, you did just that. You mad the English language quite attractive right there my friend...From PR? Anyways, I liked this verse. The wording and phrasing was smooth as far as diction goes and the flow was pretty steady considering the immense word usage. The meaning behind it all was literally a war, and main character not agreeing with what his friend, "the leader", commands of him some times. But he goes through with it all and eventually dies. All in all a extremely well written verse, you have a very strong grasp on the English language and that evident. I enjoyed this from beginning to end, but that first stanza to me, is simply some of the strongest writing I can remember or recall in a very long time. I will say I thought you were hurt a bit in trying to fit the story in, I think you're better off just keeping the verse conscious and with no dialogue or story line.

Trap - I liked it brother. Some word choices I wasn't too fond of...'quite a major wreck' and 'totally broken/gladly made it'. The last two aren't bad, and I realize you keyed it, but there are so many more powerful descriptive words that could have been substituted in and made it work much better. The story was dope, I recently had to get a CPR license and had to listen to a similar type of mishap that is told for helping others to prevent same mistakes. Anyways, this was a solid verse, some small errors that could have been fixed if maybe you read before posting again, not sure? All in all a good verse.


In the end to me you both had some good shit, but 143 just out wrote trap in my opinion. He had a stronger vocab and at least matched, if not surpassed, Trap in the flow department. Trap had the better story, but I was more connected to 143 verse on some level, so in the end vote=unoquattrothres for having a more intriguing verse for me.

[Zen]

First off, why the fuck weren't you two in the league earlier? Good shit fellas.

143: First off, you have nice wording in your piece. For a piece entitled Language I had hoped that you would come out and use some powerful diction and you did that for the most part. In some cases though I hated your wording to be honest. The 'he cheated on' line in particular stuck out to me and I just hated how it read. But no worries the good of this piece out weighed the bad and I left satisfied from reading it. Good showing here.
trap: When someone usually says fuck it I keyed it at the top of their verse I usually know I'm going to have to read through 30 lines of shit, but this was different. It started off slow, and I agree with Adonis I didn't like you using a major wreck it just felt awkward to me. But as this piece went on it slowly picked up speed and then bam the climax. That was a fucked up story but at least it had a happy ending which is fuckin rare in situations like that. She got lucky. But all in all I liked this shit.

I liked both verses, and I'll probably be the only person voting this way but I'm an honest voter and I think trap took this. Good battle fellas.

[Mike Wrecka]

ya nice battle here guys. I liked both verses im gonna do a quick vote so my bad but better than nothing I guess


143- it was well written and impressed me being it was the first thing ive read from you. it was a good narrative and the rhyming was real solid. the one thing I disliked about it was the heavy use of -ion end rhymes. that always comes off as kinda weak to me for some reason, its what a lot of beginners lean on. now obviously your no beginner cause your skill is evident, but you fell into that trap. no pun intended. it took away from your verse imo but im nit picking. good read.

trap- if you didn't say it was keystyled I wouldn't have known. sure the mechanics weren't out of this world, but it flowed very well with a very good use of commas to set the cadence. the story was amazing. it sucked me right in and made me feel something for the characters involved. I enjoyed every word. good work.

tight battle but I gotta vote

vote- Trap

good work guys. good battle

[zygote]

Preferred Trap's clear writing over UnoQuattroThres adjective heavy descriptive style. Both were proficient but felt Trap strong simply worded style went well with his subject matter. Whereas, UnoQuattroThres wrote a story but due to the focus on details the overall focus was lessened. There was also the feeling of a lack of common theme throughout the story drawing the different sections together, sure there was the plot, but narration seemed strained. E.g., "And at that second a bullet end my dissertation...." Perhaps there was a stronger way to word this? It seems to be a major point and it is given half a line. Its follow up was good however. Voted for Trap.

[patrown]

uno - starts off almost like a POW is being forced to write propaganda. the piece held that tone, without being tied to a moment or situation. the narrator/authority needed clarification. ending with a stronger point would have given you the /v.

trap - solid storyline, smoothly narrated with a strong voice. proper assonance compensated for a simpler rhyme scheme. i was hoping for additional pieces of wisdom. still, overall a clean drop.

/v trap - took the win with coherence.

[Objective]

Uno: Enjoyed your piece for the most part. Alltho' it did seem like you forced the rhymescheme on rare occations; subliminally/cynically etc. The flow was on point and it was easy to follow throughout tho', well done. It's 01:30am where I'm at so I'm having trouble to grasp concepts etc. and where you were going with the topic given. My take on it is similar to the Syndicate/military ish; once someone is above, forget what were done to get there or something which would explain your approach with the topic so it worked out well enough for me, but some clarification would be dope later on if I got it or not.

Trap: For a keystyle this was pretty dope. Felt like you just got an idea and went with it. The flow was on point for the most part and overall it was a straight to the point decent drop. As far as the story goes; there's more of those around so it wasn't really that creative to me, but it was cool enough and kept my attention.

Vote: UnoQuattroThress (or something, fuck the spelling of your name, hah.) I felt he went more in depth concept-wise and had a more engaging story. Trap's story didn't suck, but it wasn't great either imo but I can see how it can appeal to others, it just didn't really connect with me. UQT edged it to get my vote.

[trap.]

i had just gotten back from our brigade safety day and we had some girl up there giving a speech on distracted driving. i tried to remember as much of her story as i could, sans some valley girl details. thanks for the feed everyone. props to 143 as well, good battle man.

[Objective]

trap: All I'm saying is that the story isn't unique. I give respect and appreciate a true story, but when it comes to voting I'll judge it just as a regular piece. peace.

[trap.]

oh, i wasn't arguing or anything bro. i know this shit has hella flaws in it. thanks for reading man.

[trap.]

trap wins, 4-2.