Week 9 championship: 1. oats (8-0) vs. 2. El Pancake (4-2) \\ El Pancake wins 5-4

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=67025).


Topic


“Creative Control”


Good luck, oats and El Pancake.

[PancakeBrah]

He wrote letters about no one, to no one.

Keeping time through pen strokes, John debates his crescendo
eating cooked lentils as he wears in grooves; his pace picks up tempo
walking by his bookshelves, all three replete with august tomes,
in his cluttered loft, peering over a street of marching drones.
They would never meet. He, too, enjoys a walk, but often alone
and he figures that’s one reason the critics so laud him for prose.
He does think it’s possible, though, that a more social milieu
wouldn’t too adversely change the current scope of his view,
but he writes as a contortionist. Twisting and distorting the truth,
sketching his characters, apart from the masses in his short little room.
It’s from this very boredom he drew.
So that wading idea is drowned out by thoughts of his plot,
as he sits back down at his oak desk, with more nuances to jot.
That’s where the trick lies. The nuance. The modus affectus.
Easy for him, a voyeur. Cardboard becomes potent reflection,
flesh on the page, from this emotive repressive alone at his desk with
a new group of ‘friends’ to be told, within the folds, interconnected.
Writing each in succession, an idea in his mind he had sized up
and with every word a small twinge of regret. He writes of...

...Alan, with the thick rimmed glasses. Dressed to the nines with no occassion.
Skinny tie. Quiet, a listener over drinks, with wine as his libation.
Judging type, with a put-off posture, barely lifting his eyes up
but still can’t hide the obsession he fosters for Eliza...

...Eliza, a weak drinker with a moral fiber that softens at night
Draped in choral patterns, with an aura like a beam, awkward and bright.
A dance in her lilt, care-free, living off of chance to the hilt
enchantress, playing tough to get with a voice like a sample of silk...

...and Tomas, with the build of a truck. Annoying, clueless.
Alpha. Brimming with enough confidence to not know he’s stupid.
And stupid enough not to notice proof he’s right getting played
when his girlfriend Eliza and Alan go on their nightly midnight escapes.

They live lifes in page, as he writes and waits. Paces between passages
to give each sentence weight. A city moves, except one escapism masochist.
He brews his caffeeine at eight. Creates another niche for Tomas,
a backstory for Alan. Crafting flaws and traits, new speech to flow off.
An entire history. The stroke of inspiration, writing through hundreds of looseleafs
No summary. Puncturing drama, a dozen thoughts running through loosely
all at once. He knows how painfully sad it is, whenever he laughs and cries
at his own figurines. But nothing could be closer, these newest passerby’s.
All caught in his mind. The freshest set of acquaintances he’s brought to ink,
doing as he thinks. Extolling his views on life in one night’s frothy blink.

As he finishes, he pushes the pages, wide as they’re thick,
aside. The clock shows three. He turns the light off with a click
as he we walks to his open window after leaving his desk
and looks down at the closing bar, with three of it’s guests
exiting. A girl, lithe, with two of her friends, laughing in spirits,
drunk, like every other Friday. He feels ill at ease with their passion, so near it.
In the midst of having the social life he never could, they climb in the back of a cab
as he goes to bed,
with mixed feelings, knowing he controls the lives he imagines they have.

[oats]

Genesis

in the beginning...
the Master, before it was known
was one of Many, chose to make a world of His own.
omnipotent? sort of. indifferent - more of.
incipient chords of being bored and alone

alas, the morgue of a home was a formless, sunken
porous dungeon. shoreless, unlit.
porcelain numbness. entrusted with utmost important function:
a repository for His storms of judgement.

forged from nothing, this earth, this darkness
with such caliginous potential, yearned for harvest
His previous experiment had earned some hardship:
the Fallen One to animate a serpent’s carcass

His smirk enlarged with patient buoyancy -
submerged and drowned the snake in the poisoned sea
reincarnate then deploy, repeat.
as He moved across the face of the Void beneath
another idea: a volcanic prison at the base of the noiseless Deep.

this game He employed grew cheap, the Royal He was bored again
He needed more than Satan's pain and the magmatic cell He forced him in
a torture pen, large enough to fill all of the vacant space
and an heir to rule o'er the earth and grow to take His place

perched at an amazing pace - the firmaments of day and night
while the Serpent served internment in a lake too hot to take its life
separated sky from ocean, land for vegetation rife
and once animals were teeming forth, finally the stage was right

He stretched the heavenly expanse, plucked a single star,
set it in the garden. this will be the heart.
summoned seas to humbly be flowing channels of élan
with strips of mighty mountains laid to keep its structure strong
the stubborn fires of the sun to wear the warmth of light as skin
till He whispered winds of hurricanes - the breath of life within
unsatisfied, He stabbed His eye, the saddle of its brain
a shocking twist of consciousness - "Adam is your name."

He saw that Adam was alone, an inefficient model;
if this human is to rule, he’ll need a partner quick to follow
He took a rib and hollowed out another while he was asleep
forever man was swaddled by this new invention dubbed as Eve.

the volcanism that He used to make the continental bed
released the Serpent from confinement to the elements instead
it slithered into Eden, bent to give a simple warning
but little did it know that it would do His bidding for Him

as Eve enjoyed the shade of the nature she was given
the Serpent hissed a whisper “don’t be afraid, just listen!”
“take a minute to survey the prison that you were bequeathed -
are you not allowed to eat the fruits that dangle underneath?”

stuttered Eve: “we can eat whatever we deserve to try.
except the Tree in the middle - if we do then we will surely die.”
the Serpent’s eyes grew terse and wild “don’t let that fear deceive you -
if you eat it you will be like Him: an engineer of evil.”

a foreign feeling seeped through frills of her immodesty
the rush of disobedience, the thrill of curiosity
her will was pure as God’s could be, she gawked with crook delight
she picked the fruit, went to Adam, paused and took a bite

an honest look inside He who assembled this creation:
flashes of pain, hunger, suffering - they trembled in elation
venerable debasement, fascinated by what was evil, awful
all the while He kept His favorite secret: giving people false hope

the Serpent’s weak bravado caused him to boast unduly
not knowing that the humans turned to what He hoped them to be
“Lucifer, I thank you, your secret guise was suitable -
now they’ll destroy themselves before they realize they’re beautiful.
I must admit I expected better than this poor attempt
but with my eye as their mind, I will never be bored again.”

thus He invented sin to control His creation
God looked upon it and saw that it was good. Amen

[Just Write]

Pancake, this was exceptionally written. So my view on this is basically a socially awkward guy who lives like a hermit and never comes out and finds "refuge" in writing about these characters almost to the point of obsession, immersing himself into their so called lives to escape his own reality. Brilliant, I really can't say anything bad about this piece, it was fully developed, mechanically sound and really top notch vocabulary. Definitely the best verse ive read the week by far.


Oats- Again, a really awesome piece. You guys are definitely the elite of the elite. Im blown away by the quality of this battle. Probably one of the best battles ive ever read and im honored to be voting first on it. Anyways im fron a very religious background.. pops is a pastor and all and while I myself am not religious im smart in the area and I think you definitely wrote an exectional piece as well and this really captured the book of genesis to a tee and I also loved your twisted take on the situation. Ive asked myself the question of "why did god create sin?" Myself in just the bigger scheme of things but if you were to ask this in a doctrinal text this would be flawed of the simple point that god didnt create sin, man did. God gave man choice as to not have "control" over man but more to let man be free. Man made the choice to disobey therefore creating sin. Anyways despite that I really did enjoy this and my only gripe was towards the end there was a few miscues rhyme wise which is very rare for you. Regardless, props.

Ok if this doesnt get battle of the week then ftw, this was as epic as they get. After a long and tiring review again and another couple reads apiece im going to have to go with pancake for a more favorable piece, grwat reads guys

Mvgt-PB

[d0ubt]

el pancake - cool story man, a lonely writer writing about a love triangle. woman cheating on her boyfriend. i get the feeling when reading this that he's wishing that this is what his life was like, love, drama, more excitement, but instead he's just an introvert living monotony. or he's just writing and inventing his only friends, which are all on paper because he's a lonely man. oh wait. he's writing about a threesome of friends that he watches from his window. well done man, creative, kept me thinking, you displayed a good use of rhymes at the ends and here and there, i feel they could have been picked up to give the piece more of a bounce when reading. you displayed a great use of vocabulary and really nice, smooth diction. overall awesome piece.

"but he writes as a contortionist. Twisting and distorting the truth," - love that line


oats - for the first little bit reading this i thought it was just another retelling of the genesis book, and i was disappointed by that fact and was expecting more, but as i kept reading certain twists and differences started arising in the story and made it more interesting and had me thinking "well, what else is he going to change", you were keeping me on my toes for sure to find out. great diction and story telling, solid vocabulary displayed.

"“Lucifer, I thank you, your secret guise was suitable -
now they’ll destroy themselves before they realize they’re beautiful."


overall i felt this was a close battle, i thought oats edged it in nicer diction, rhyme scheme and to me read with more of a flow. i thought pancake edged this in the concept and creativity department. so to narrow this down, i do like my topicals to be able to read with more of a bounce, this is text, i'm not listening to it over a beat i need the rhyme to entertain me.

oats takes this for me.

[Zombie]

Whoa. Put your battle shields up, the titans are fighting. Intense. Both ends were just shooting off. EP started with a moderate tone that slowly progressed, as where Oats maintained an even level of fire throughout. Where EP progressed the storyline with undividided attention in detail, Oats progressed the story line with unmatched mechanics. This really goes down to the wire. I was eerily impressed by both. I have Oats taking this by a hair. And honestly, this can go either way, and everyone should be voting on the championship match. If you want me to break down my vote further, feel free to shoot me a message.

[timeless]

Quick vote here thought I had more time tonight. I read these both yesterday and twice more today and still think this is a tough one to vote on. Both were equal in many ways aside from flow, which I feel oats was superior. I have to narrow this down to an enjoyability factor, and I feel cake got me on that. I felt his was more in depth in his approach to the topic than oats was. Oats had a great verse though and this could go either way pending voters preferences.

Voting for pancake

[millz]

mr pancake

im really impressed by this. first and foremost this is a very very solid piece of writing. that is what this is all about. nothing came across forced or awkward. the scheme wasnt anything insane, but i think that it serves better for this piece to be the way you did it. this was a very intriguing concept. serves as a character study, and a narrative at the same time. it was done very very well.

vs.


oats.

again man... im truly impressed by this. no issues or qualms with any of the wording. the diction and pacing in this were perfect. literally perfect for me. the content was obviously something that is pretty familiar to most, but it was done so refreshing. i also find the concept of the creative control being the implementation of sin. very interesting to reflect upon that though.

overall i really cant find an issue with either piece, and i guess it comes down to preference. i personally tend to enjoy anything that leaves a last impression or forces me to re-evaluate a though. whether its in writing on film. so for that reason my vote goes to oats. although it really is not 1,2. its more like 1a,1b. kudos to you both. i enjoyed this.

vote-oats

[King Ra.]

Battle of the week. Battle of the year thus far. This was a match up of true epic proportions. Both of you excelled in every way in this match. Practically no flaws mechanically on both sides. The differences lie in directions. My first initial read, I leaned towards one side. Couple more reads, I changed my decision. Crazy. Pancake, I love this fresh, original take with your story. I was truly amazed at how you really set this depressing kind of tone, felt bad for your character but at the same time, felt for him. You are master of emotion, and you always have a way to really express that through your word choice. Then there is oats, while the direction you took wasn't fresh, your twist in the story really hooked me in. I must say, coupled with your superb diction and scheming, this really is my favorite from you this season. Exceptionally written. Your perspective on it is what is most fascinating.

You gentlemen made this a great match to read. And one that is difficult to judge. Usually in those cases, I go with preference. But my decision isn't based off that. There was one element from both stories that decides this one for me. Pancake tells the creative control of a writer through the characters with which he molds on pages, and oats tells of creative control of God, who initiates a plan to have Lucifer decieve man to merely destroy themselves because they refuse to see what's truly within them.

MVGT: oats. I first leaned towards Cake, but couple reads more and I felt not only did oats write this perspective just to retell the story with a wrinkle or two in it, but I also felt this probably has a true attachment to something he possibly believes. It had his personal touch to it.

[Split]

pretty incredible battle. Pancake was wordier than usual, which was pretty necessary to his verse and it was done so tastefully. Oats used a preexisting story arc and gave himself the liberty of filling in tangential details and applying a lens to an image us readers have already seen. I don't think anyone is fucking with Oats in the traditional sense of "lyricism" though Pancake's subtle use of literary techniques supplanted the need to compete in this sense. Pancake isn't poetic, vocab-wise, but there is a definitive poetic quality to how his words and sentences are laced together. Oats lacked this in this particular verse, I think it was partially because of the biblical tone/ style of writing. On the final competitive level both gave fascinating explications of the topic. I kind of struggle to put each in to words as of late because I don't like taking a long time to write around roommates/ friends because then I have to explain that I'm writing an email or watching porn or something stupid to keep my secret identity safe... but I think each writer explored a different TYPE of theme, not even, a different breed of conclusion. Like. Pancake's final notes demonstrated a shimmering cascade of profundity within the landscape of his own creation. If you ever played Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker it is when you go into the Temple of Time and that boat faggot tells you that it was frozen 300 years ago or some shit and then everything comes alive while the camera is busy panning and Zeldas flicking her bean to the idea of getting captured again. The implications of the realization are physical and real in one world, which is not real, but at the same time extend to the viewer and say "even though this is not how life is, it is in some microcosmic ways and macrocosmic if you can only open your mind and learn how to look at it." On the contrary, Oats' verse was a semantical revelation, like how you realize that the title Legend of Zelda refers to how each video game is the same story, told by a different culture of people. Thats not as good an analogy as the first. I don't know. OATS CONCLUSION HAD A GREATER IMPACT ON THE GREATER MEANING OF HIS VERSE BUT IT DOESNT NECESSARILY MEAN SO WITHIN THE READER.

I really appreciated the creativity of Oats' verse and angle but just really liked the intri***ies in Pancake's verse. Dead even otherwise.


vote pancake

[dyedinthewool]

Swedish crepe- not only do I feel you took the given topic and succeeded, I also believe you did a pretty good fucking job. You didn’t just manage to write about your character, you managed to control what he wrote next. It made me feel like I was reading a book inside of a book if that makes sense. I thought this was well executed and it reads smooth throughout as if effortlessly written. Both your diction and wording kept me interested.



Apple cranberry walnut- this feels, reads and looks like such a thought out put together piece and I think that because of how mechanical it seems to be, it throws me off just a bit. I’ve read so much from you before that I have not read too much from you in this league thus far. While your mechanics I don’t have to question, the way they were used here don’t feel forced but I feel as though I have to pause or break each time I read a fluent bar if that makes sense? However, that is mainly more at the beginning of your piece, after the start, everything flows a lot more natural and pretty darn flawless might I add. Your take on the topic was something I semi expected from anyone having been given the topic at hand, but your content and direction made it interesting.



Overall I have to give my vote to flapjack because I not only preferred the content of his piece, but I thought it was written with such finesse and I really enjoyed it.

[Certain]

El Pancake: I'm sure that you will be stunned to hear that I relate to this verse very much. I once had a conversation with a group of friends about my habit of creating entire backstories for everyone I see in public places, at the time thinking this was a normal habit and instead learning that I'm a weird and possibly a psychopath. I say "learning," but that all was well-established. Anyway, to my understanding, that level of character obsession is a common trait for writers, and this felt very real. I do think you spent a bit too much time developing our relatable protagonist. The heart of the verse came when you began to introduce the three antagonists and give us a better grasp of what the writer was doing, and while the introductory stanza was well written, it didn't have the content justification that the rest of the verse had. The conclusion was terrific, and I liked that you hadn't revealed that the two friends were male. Here's a structural rethink: Move the penultimate stanza above the three character sketches, combine that with a bit of the end and a bit of the beginning of the first stanza (not counting the opening line as its own stanza) and then lead those character descriptions right into the concluding stanza. I think that might have made it a bit more affecting, but I really liked this verse the way it was, too. And moreover, I know that not everyone will instantly relate to the protagonist and therefore might be more interested in seeing that character developed. The diction and rhymes weren't as flashy here as I'm used to from you, even in your more down-to-earth storytelling. That fit John's style, though, and it fits my appetite for fewer frills. Nothing was burying anything here. This was an exceptional verse.

oats: This had the feel of a Baron Mynd verse, a really good one at that. You weren't breaking any news here, merely putting your own spin on a well-trodden tale. But you did so with deftness throughout, and the approach to the topic was very, very creative. Your best moments were the sharpest-rhymed segments. I really loved "face of the Void beneath"/"base of the noiseless Deep" and a few other rhymes, and you mixed up the schemes enough to generate a feeling of flexiblity and keep your content in focus, which sometimes Baron Mynd's tightly formulaic adherence to scheme can cost him. But we already knew your rhymes and mechanics and diction were sharp. So let's talk about the content. I don't think this idea of God inventing the world because he was bored is new at all, but the lead-in part is what captivated me most by far because you were attempting to branch out beyond where the Bible starts. I liked that bit of philosophying the most, and I thought you wrote it very well. As you dug further and further into the Adam and Eve story, I fell a little bit out of the verse. It wasn't so much the retelling but rather the way you retold the story. You stuck largely to the basics and didn't add much to the characters other than God, whose character you really came back to more than anything else. It also seemed like the writing began to slip a bit, particularly in the sections where the serpent is making his way toward Eve and trying to explain to her why she should try the apple. Dialogue is tough in text rap, but I didn't feel like the serpent did a good enough job convincing her. You had a very cool concept, better than El Pancake's, and you mostly executed it very well. But I think the Adam and Eve inclusion was a bit of a misstep, even if it formed a familiar base for your verse.

Vote: El Pancake