Week 9: 7. Johnathan Mercy (1-0) vs. 8. Zombie (1-0) \\ Zombie wins 6-4

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=67025).


Topic


“Bring the Pain”


Good luck, Zombie and Johnathan Mercy.

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

"The Ballad of John 2012"

...instead of the toughest cookie of these pushy hoodlums
he swung from the hips and snuffed a hooker
bloody knuckle-styled concussive lovin'
- His blood rushing from punching this ugly woman...

He made friends with both the goons and the whore
- mingling to the tune of music and jokes
Muting the row of his soul's usual score
- all the movements composing his "blues at the morgue"
Dancing in lunacy's luminant glow
- the ghostly light of the moon on the floor
Then shooting home in a cab - to his crank reserve
- The taxing turns of a ludicrous soap
withdrawing his tax returns to slash and burn
- on whatever iffy quest for quick success
He would introspect - in "the afterburn"
- whisky breath and the effects of shitty meth

He woke up in a dumpster
- when an ulcer erupted abruptly with thunder
like his stomach was punctured...
- and his entrails were munched on by gluttonous vultures
Like wrath embodied - on crack cocaine
- had attacked his frame and utterly crushed him
His memory fuzzy... inexact and maimed
- Numbingly hungry in a black domain
A trash and waste-jammed compact terrain
- harrowed by massive flames and acid rain
Tramping the path before forced to quit
- by remorse equipped with an assassin's blade
Full throttle towards the shelter of the bottle
from this sweltering debacle, demented and forgotten
pestering and hostile settlement of Sodom
- with nothing but resentment cemented in his morals

The id's many shapes and expressions
- naked aggression from degrading oppression
forms a strident, twisted, nihilistic,
- violent misfit scathing the heavens
trailing the pavement and pervading obsession
with thoughts straying - and fading in seconds
A hellish stinging - his brain bathes in depressants
- as irony's vague omnipresence quells his spirit
When the pain is rigid - ingrained in your essence
You ARE vengeance...

...and can't help but bring it

[Zombie]

NEXT CHAPTER OF SWEDEN:


Bring the pain, I whispered. with the faintest grin
& in the chair, with blisters, I stared at this sadist with
eyes, with nails in them. constricted. i’m patient “X”
in a basement that’s fairly dim. upstairs, the filet of limbs
six rapists from Sinclair. been there, done that. You okay with this?
state of affairs was grim. but that I could convey to them?
that this pain that swells is, nothing short of, well, a call for help
if the pots my mental health, the cauldron they put my kettle in as black as hell
going AWOL with box cutters. trademark snip of Glasglow
my lip expands, slow. lemon drips; to add to thee extent the gash coves
golden trim. sounds closed. handcuffed to an open vented black stove
a blatant blip. exact blows, to my face, and hip, and back bones
the human brains heightened max can only contain 300 dels of pain
at the rate attained, it could melt the diamond latch at heavens gates
mind extraction. iron maiden. mind-jolting vagabond
eyes swollen. pounds of blood. time to consult cattle prod
more they waterboard, a small corner of my accord is growing energetic
glows in pink/magenta overflow with the aura of fixed adrena
there ain’t a clover big enough, throughout the course of interjection
a leviathan designed of swords, and remorseful life’s a giant sore
the whip & chains is scintillating. vindication. I like it more.
i sense distraught discrepancy, a vengeful gods dissected me,
demented block. the mezzanine. the lisp’s I got; from mescaline
molested, rotten. ethylene. penchant for a pencil plot
and for every shot affecting me = a mental wash that sets it free
and it’s getting hot. (figuratively) This electroshock therapy.
inside there commenced a war, where sulfurs disheveled
tuned voltage is leveled. woke up with a new linkage to metal with
an acute blurring, & two circuits, fuse-burned to my temple
pull my hair out my noggin. - a cold heart, hold onto the superstitions
no slaughter or torture victim - has endured this post-modernist crucifixion
broken jaw/open wound with stitches. Each punch has grown soft.
a feeling of dosed wanderlust. peeling my coats’ not enough
got me gargling sawdust……. and what’s awful about it is.. the love.
growing pains are common, but this source of pain is awesome
not a normal, sane, concoction. erase the node for pain. rhodopsin
in this course of stage, it’s awkward : THE MORE I take. I get off it
if mexico’s my body then the blade they cut me with is cinco de mayo
it sinks, as I swallow, the mitten prints of this sixty six combo
accustom to discomfort. the disaster is this system is hollow
wrote the new bellowing chapter in the syndrome of Stockholm
blood to my brain, cut-throat, as it pumps, it’s insane. Voluptuous pace
electric currents mounted through defibrillator mountains
the metal circuits in my brain aren’t pumping the same.
every surge of electrical voltage appraises a energetic convulsion
a mesh of resurgence acclaimed. every sadistic circling face
that i’ve come to love is running away. a synergistic propulsion
the car battery leaks & defects as they detach leads to my chests
I burst into flames.
everyone…is amazed..everyone is ablaze… bust out of the cage, as I cut the restraints

what can I say?

bring the motherfucking pain

[Vulgar]

Johnathan Mercy - Very solid writing and a pleasure to read. I wasn't feeling the ending bar much, I would've personally ended with the "ingrained in the essence" rhyme and called it a day. This verse seemed to be about a drug addict who is being controlled by his own demons, allowing for biblical references and theology to seep through. The title, the mention of Sodom, massive flames and acid rain, the afterburn(afterlife) and scathing the heavens reinforced this "Lucifer rising" mood cloud. Overall, it was a stellar offering but there wasn't much magnetism drawing me toward it.

Zombie - This verse caused me to look up Stockholm syndrome, and I also just found "Jerusalem Syndrome" lol. LoLed. LOLZ. So yeah, this was a tight verse as well. Tons of highlights. What it was about was self explanatory, masochism and sadism.

going AWOL with box cutters. trademark snip of Glasglow
my lip expands, slow. lemon drips; to add to thee extent the gash coves
golden trim. sounds closed. handcuffed to an open vented black stove
a blatant blip. exact blows, to my face, and hip, and back bones
^The content was sick.

It's hard to argue with visceral detail. Zombie had more momentum going toward his ending, which I thought he executed better. Johnathan had excellent construction but his content was a little less engaging than Zombie's, who I feel hit a stride here and checkmated his opponent.

My vote goes to Zombie.

Great battle.

[PancakeBrah]

Johnathan Mercy - Centered verse. Yay. "bloody knuckled-style concussive lovin'" was great. The second stanza was just as good. "Dancing in lunacy's luminant glow", strong ending to that stanza, too. There's sprinkling of just great imagery and wording throughout this piece. A different kind of wording, too, from the known styles here. Very fluid and rapid fire, the imagery. "by remorse equipped with an assassin's blade" etc. I do agree with Vulgar, though, when he said this didn't draw me in. It took me a couple read throughs to get into it. Can't put my thumb on exactly why that is. Maybe the writing seems detached? Possibly. But I think this was a strong submission, different. Mechanically this was air tight. I didn't have a problem with the ending and you tied into the topic well enough.

Zombie - Probably the verse of the week, although I haven't read everything. This was top-notch stuff. The rhyming was just insane, the way everything flowed together while still juggling the content perfectly. There were large swathes of this piece I could highlight for their level of quality, but I particularly enjoyed

"growing pains are common, but this source of pain is awesome
not a normal, sane, concoction. erase the node for pain. rhodopsin
in this course of stage, it’s awkward : THE MORE I take. I get off it"

I think that section encapsulates why this piece worked so well. The aforementioned top notch rhyming with the strong wording and content. It's hard to critique a piece like this. In the wrong hands the concept of simply writing about all the gruesome details and feelings of S&M could've been corny but this verse shows its all about the execution. Well done.

Good battle. I think Johnathan Mercy's verse could have won against the majority of the submissions this week but he just ran into one of the few verses that were better. Hard to imagine Zombie's verse being topped. Good show guys.

v/ Zombie

[oats]

Mercy: your onslaught of rhymes and assonance and unique, twisted descriptions are in a league of their own. and for the most part, none of that heavy rhyming made it too dense to understand the immediate action. I also very much enjoyed the psychological banner at the end, how this behavior was born out of primal, base instincts. Vengeance is an emotion that encompasses many feelings, one that carries great depth with it. the need for revenge here was well-represented and understood. great verse, no complaints.

Zombie: another clinic on pristine rhyming while maintaining complete clarity. this was phenomenal. the detail in which this person's masochism was explored was disturbingly visceral. I really have nothing to add to the discussion tbh, it was a perfect circle down to the most infinitesimal micrometer. if I were to really dig around, there were a few instances where the syllable count didn't quite match the rhythm going, but that's to be expected when such a strong metronome is established off the bat and carried almost entirely through the verse. this was a great verse.


vote: and I thought me and cake was shoe-in for BOTW. when I read Mercy's verse, I thought it was a wrap tbh, just a pinpoint verse, excellence through and through. But Zombie definitely matched it on all levels - maybe had a few slips in terms of cramming too many syllables in a line, but nothing to turn the tide of the match. both these verses were the equivalent of a dime piece in a tight outfit, but I felt like zombie's verse had the slightly fatter ass and the shorter dress, so I fucked with it just a snippet more. sick battle, possibly my favorite of the season.

[d0ubt]

johnathan mercy - i think you might be my favorite writer in the league that i've read so far. the multis and internals of this piece are great, really a breath of fresh air to read. i really enjoyed the way you changed up the rhyme scheme going back and forth instead of keeping it monotonous. you had some vivid imagery in there, and smooth, enjoyable diction. your story was nice and kept my attention the entire way through the read, i was able to play the scenes through my head like it was a movie... or a picture book, lol. i really enjoyed this man, props. i'd like to know your alias, i feel i recognize your writing.

zombie - k, this was amazingly written and a really good story. i found it flow really well here and there but in good chucks of it i just felt like i was reading a story, it felt inconsistent in that regard. if this were a short story battle, i'd give this battle to you hands down. not that you didn't have rhymes in there, you did, but i felt there wasn't enough to satisfy for the amount of content in there. the imagery was so vivid here, i was blown away but some aspects of this piece it was a really good read.

good battle here, solid writing on both ends, i'm gonna put it down to how i prioritize and define a topical here, giving my vote to -

johnathan mercy

[millz]

jon...

i like how you approached this topic. i think a character study was a much better choice then following a real narrative. your diction and cadence in this are big standouts. i also appreciate the grittiness of this. the imagery portrayed fit right along with the theme you brought. everything about this was enjoyable to me.

vs

zombie

i see this piece as a sort of roller coast. so parts it seems to me to drag on, but then it reaches a peak and just takes off. some of the visuals put forth by this are amazing.

a leviathan designed of swords, and remorseful life’s a giant sore
the whip & chains is scintillating. vindication. I like it more.
i sense distraught discrepancy, a vengeful gods dissected me,
demented block. the mezzanine. the lisp’s I got; from mescaline
molested, rotten. ethylene. penchant for a pencil plot
and for every shot affecting me = a mental wash that sets it free
and it’s getting hot. (figuratively) This electroshock therapy.

&

growing pains are common, but this source of pain is awesome
not a normal, sane, concoction. erase the node for pain. rhodopsin
in this course of stage, it’s awkward : THE MORE I take. I get off it


that to me is pure flame...

but then at times i felt myself being broken up by some of the designed pauses with the punctuation used. so i found myself stopping in awkward places and struggled a bit with that.

overall i think zombies verse was very original and creative and why some parts were just amazing i feel it lacked in others. although it would of beaten quite a lot of the other verses written. just got a poor draw this round


vote- jon

[Adonis]

This was a fun battle. Both similar, both a bit gruesome which I enjoyed. There were wording issues with both, the lay outs of sentence breaks and shit if you get that. Well I liked john's overall message, zombie had the more enjoyable verse even if he was scatter brain toward the end as well as maybe a bit too lengthy and not changing the tone or violence. So on one hand I have a verse written decent with a better use meaningful message vs. Vivid imagery of death over and over and over again. Cool and fine, I love gruesome imagery and think it's under utilized, but it was sort of droned out after first 40 lines.



Vote john. Close as fuck

[Certain]

Johnathan Mercy: Your diction is so gloriously tight and refined. I love that, particularly because so few others on these sites can match it. The way you bounce around rhymes is very effortless but refined. Your take on this topic was pretty straight-forward, a man who can't bring the pain because his entire existence is defined by it. He brings pain because he is pain, so asking him to bring the pain is redundant. But I think you could have done a better job humanizing him with more complete images. You bounced around a lot and gave us specks of the composite whole rather than a focused take on a scene or two. That also led to a bit of cliché in the description. The content never matched the writing level, which was disappointing.

Zombie: This was the most direct take on this topic imaginable, but that didn't matter much because of how well you pulled it off. The writing here was transfixing, especially because you carried such impressive rhymes (albeit often through slants). The stop-and-start phrasing that is your signature really worked here because it gave the verse a crescendo feel up until "the love." After that point, things boiled down to the essence with more clever lines and a bit tighter writing. Because you were describing the feelings of masochism, the reference points and imagery was a little jumpy in the second quarter of the verse, but by the time you were in the home stretch, the focus and the purpose was displayed. So yes, the take on the topic was unimaginative. But the execution was highly original and gripping.

Vote: Zombie

[e11even]

John- This verse was a technical powerhouse. You vocab was pretty dope too, as youheaved an onslought imagery that, though it sounded good, didn't really feel connected to me. I feel like the insides of this gut were all aligned, but were not organic(there was no real substance) to it.

Zombie- Immaculately written and incredibly imaginative. You encompased everything that can really be asked for in a verse at first glance. Your imagery, technical ability and knack for total polish is dope. I think it would take an immense amount of skill to overcome your displays.

MVGT Zombie for an overall more enjoyable well written drop. Good job to both you guys. Great reads.

[Split]

did d0ubt just say Zombie didnt have enough rhymes lel


voting in a sec might not finish certain pls

[dyedinthewool]

Jonathan- oh my. Yo can I even really mention your diction, your wording, your flow? I mean honestly, in all of that, lies no problem at all. You had no problem giving the reader images and description but where I feel you came up a bit short was in your lack of an actual place or setting. I feel you where describing vividly this characters feelings exact but where was just no other matter in your piece and that’s a bit of a letdown.

Zombie- this was sick! I can’t judge this battle on mechanics at all I swear! Your take on the topic given was nothing unsual but shit did you make it so that, that doesn’t matter at all. Not only was the imagery in this piece alive as fuck but the piece just took on different tempos altogether and it just worked. This was kwayze!

This vote is not based on anything more than enjoyment I must say, along with a hit and a miss. Both these writers are sickening, and this can go either way. I wouldn’t be surprised at all

Mvgt zombie

[Split]

Interesting battle.


Mechanically equal, in a strange way. JM's saving grace was his incredibly tight, unyielding schemes. Everything fit perfectly. Perfectly. I realize having written for awhile that perfect is attainable in context, so I'm comfortable saying that. Your character tracks two or three shades of pain, and point out that living in pain is not a response to stimuli but is an evolution of it. Harrowing.

Zombie is an incredibly rhymer. This was like, Open Mic topical defined. That is good and bad, because you did address the topic well, you added lots of little insights rather than conveying a story, and in the context of pain/ BDSM it is a bit different than say love/ a romance because of the categorical scattering of complexities is a lot broader in the second even though the relationship is the same. Wow i sound like a shithead. sorry negative three minutes to vote. I thought the verse was dope


I would give it JM because I think he was not outclassed or dwarfed by Zombie's monstrous effort and he executed his entire verse with admirable finesse while Zombie had finesse applied in a blunt force trauma manner


JM