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View Full Version : Week 9: 17. d0ubt (0-1) vs. 18. MMLP (0-2) \\ d0ubt wins 5-3


Certain
04-21-2014, 03:31 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=67025).


Topic


“Protect and Serve”


Good luck, d0ubt and MMLP.

MMLP
04-25-2014, 03:43 PM
sacrificed my self, turned a building to ashes
took the lives of other people, killing in madness
in my mind the line of good and evil was closer than ever
id thrown them together, in the name of god
it had came across, like my own idea
but it was soon it was only clear, it was under Satan's watch

i entered the flamey realms, at the request of Satan’s helpers
been ordered to protect the gates of hell, from the wrath of god
"a war is coming, I've taken the souls from heaven and he's up to something"
no way I'm helping you! but you have to
he squared right to my face, "God was testing you
entering your dreams, he lead you to believe son
pushed you to the edge of the cliff??!!? so..... lets settle those demons
what do ya say, our reign will be endless
take your place in this sentence
muster the balls??!!? we'll destroy him once and for all"

stuck in the war and firey dimension, had to let my mind replenish
'we will rule boy! i smiled and accepted,
kneel at these feet, i have nothing to hide
lead all them suckers to die, by that time he'll badly weak
your weakness is being sensitive
he see good in you, so he'll let you live
when the fight begins unravelling, ill let him grip me and choke
from behind, knife in him the back and we'll then throw him into the smoke
and harness his power, gifting us both a power only we will bestow.

before i knew it, i saw a one beastly mammoth monk
the clash started, god beat him to a pulp
i acted angry and vexed but our plan was now set,
i stabbed my god in the back, the devil, battered watched on and laughed
angry and saddened, i genuinely winked good luck my friend,
my god smiled and then had a wink back
like he knew my plan of attack, I took his strength
the devil was so assured, i had to do the 'new' right thing
i stabbed him til i broke the sword, and used my wit....
"everything comes to end" i threw him in.
ill become a god and wont fuck it up
release a second coming with heaven's bless and loving
tell each man and woman where they stand
to let the world know "there is a god" was the plan of attack.

d0ubt
04-26-2014, 12:48 AM
i'm sam gavin, growing up i was the wimpy kid
i got abuse and torment from others like stimpy did
incessent bullying from that delenquent named renfrew
everyday a ritual with a sequence they went through
eight a.m. wedgie, lunch money at ten, swirley at three
hate dispersed through put downs, slurs and insults heard in between
resented worse than if a lepur or i murdered the queen
but some how in senior year cupid savagely attacked me
it was mutual despite my stupid back lathered in acne
still, to this day i'm baffled that someone could love me
adolesence 'til now, i've had her and just one good buddy
her name was autumn and she was always there when i fell
she'd never fall, she was perfect and graceful as a gazelle
granted entry to her heart it was welcoming and warm
soon our cohesion was redeveloping our form
as two of us became one we began to multiply
after school we had a beautiful boy and called him ty
two years time delivered his sister, we named her desiree
i had plenty to be thankful for then came the present day
return home to find a stranger, and my family in pieces
powerless in my cowardice but the man in me increases
the scene is set like a slaughterhouse without the rappers
nothing is protecting the walls from the blood splatters
but that's not what matters, let's focus on the task at hand
you stole my everything so i'm putting you in a casket man
i can't continue on as if my life wasn't mended
and you should have never left your knife unattended
caught you by surprise and now i have you in submission
after my destitution, retribution is my mission
now you're on your stomach with a blade on your neck
i plan on bludgeoning you, i won't let you fade in respect
you're going to feel pain the way that i understand it
using uppercuts you could call my weapons underhanded
but damn it, after your actions, all bets are off
protect and serve my family and now i wouldn't stress the law
i'm out of my head, you're going to be detached from yours
told my story, i'd ask for yours but i smashed your vocal cords
you're weak now, bleeding out, beyond the condition for stiches
slice my jugular, you can be sufferer and the witness

PancakeBrah
04-26-2014, 12:50 PM
MMLP - Wasn't feeling this. I understood the plot but it was a bit of a mess. You just start right away by basically saying "Hey I'm homies with the Devil, srs" and then there's a fight between the devil and god, a literal fight, and you stab God but you're actually a double agent for God and now you're God and you killed the devil and now everything will be good.

You didn't give enough heft for the subject matter you were covering. Using phrases like 'muster up the balls' doesn't do anyone any good in a piece like this. I didn't get the sense of fire and brimstone that such a piece necessitates. Someone could hypothetically argue that you purposefully dressed down the battle as a writing technique but that just doesn't bear out.

You overused pronouns and misplaced or forgot some quotations it seems like, which didn't aid the reading experience. This didn't help the already sloppy feeling I got from this verse.

Not trying to be overly critical, just trying to help. I think you needed to either re-evaluate your concept or deepen your approach. Give more background and flesh out the descriptions. As it stands now this seemed simple, a verse referencing God vs. Devil to try and seem more important and 'deeper' than it is.

d0ubt - Okay piece. I didn't like the Slaughterhouse reference. An allusion like that kind of takes me out of the story reading mode, if that makes sense. Also, the Autumn/fell/fall wordplay seemed a little corny (says the guy who used a sun rise/fall is like summer to fall line last week). I did like the uppercut/underhanded wordplay. That was smooth, didn't take me out of the piece. Also, when you abruptly went from description to Gavin's thoughts without changing format it felt weird but that's not a huge deal. Are you foreign? Renfrew is not a name I'm familiar with. Anyways, the story was fine enough. It's been done before but what hasn't? I thought your rhymes were solid and everything was tightly wound together. Coherent and cohesive. Tied into the topic well, obviously. You might have to step up the plot creativity in future weeks against stronger opponents, I think.

I think MMLP had a lot to work on and d0ubt wrote a decent enough topical piece. Interested to see what d0ubt does next week and if MMLP can elevate. Thanks for the read.

v/ d0ubt

Just Write
04-26-2014, 07:21 PM
MMLP- ok, this was a decent concept/plot line but I feel you need to work on your wording and rhythm a little bit. It started of cool, first four lines or so and then just got sloppy and you made up some words ect. I just feel like you need to work some things out. I hope you stick around though because the potential is there. And I promise this league will improve your writing abilities, it did mine. There are some great writers here who for the most part are willing to give some advice. Peace


Doubt, dude I literally lol'd at the putting you in a casket man part haha. I dont know why, anyways I felt like you rushed through this just to get a piece written and didnt really put too much effort into this. There was a lot of weak rhyming in here and I feel you can also improve on your wording. I do however feel like you did enough to get the win this week though.

Mvgt-doubt

zygote
04-26-2014, 09:09 PM
Starting with the full name of the main character is a bit of a lame approach, also trying to figure out if all the spelling mistakes were a deliberate character thing, if yes that was a cool stylistic detail. Didn’t really enjoy reading the switches between first person description and third person simile – E.g., “powerless in my cowardice but the man in me increases
the scene is set like a slaughterhouse without the rappers” + “hate dispersed through put downs, slurs and insults heard in between
resented worse than if a lepur or i murdered the queen” – it was too much switching around without having a clear enough cohesive driving point. MMLP’s tight focus on the classic good vs evil apocalypse setting was effective in comparison. It was pretty fun writing to read, the good vs evil isn’t the most original response but it had enough fantasy-like descriptions to be interesting – E.g., “before i knew it, i saw a one beastly mammoth monk” Voting for MMLP.

Zombie
04-27-2014, 04:27 PM
Weird battle. Both had contrasting styles. Both had unprecedented gems in each. But had weird aspects that I couldnt grasp either. Both enveloped in the story. d0ubt you had a bit of a short story going on here, though by reading your posts I thought you werent fond of it? Anyway, I think you did more than enough to get the win, but it was still a good battle. I see MMLP conforming to his own, and I like it. Vote / d0ubt.

Adonis
04-27-2014, 08:21 PM
Mm- all over the place bro. This was a tough due to the grammatical errors and our omissions. This in turn fucked with your flow. I didn't enjoy the story either due to the lack of climax and build up. Overall, I can only be honest and say I was not a fan this week.

Doubt - i wasn't the biggest fan of this either. It had pace, which was cool, not the strongest in rhyme either, a decent verse at best. You will get my vote here, but I feel like I would have voted against you against some of the other opponents. Anyways, the eye story was ok. I think you could have gone a but more gruesome, a bit more imagery and overall cut bits out and added more to convey a truer story

Vote doubt

oats
04-27-2014, 08:32 PM
MMLP: if I'm being honest, which I am, I liked the idea in a way; there was something irreverent about being a muslim terrorist sent to a christian hell who ends up killing God. at least, that's what I think you were aiming for, which gets into my gripes. primarily, it was clarity. the writing itself was spotty; strong rhyming in places, fell off in others, and some wording choices were odd to me. but all of that is secondary to the problem of writing clear action, and in many places, what was happening was not clear to me. beyond that, I thought the end was cheap. I think it would have been better aligned for this person to step into the footsteps that the devil left, more interesting psychology to explore there. so cool concept, but execution was misfiring in a few ways.

doubt: there were some good things here - the rhymes were solid, some clever phrasing (I especially liked the 2 became one we multiplied), and it kept my attention. That being said, I think the angle of this was a little pedestrian, and there were some sloppy errors in there (switching from first person to third etc). There were some odd word choices in there too, like the slaughterhouse one: if we are to believe that this is the first person, you think he would see his dead family and say "wow, this is a slaughterhouse - I love that group!" Not that that's what you said in the verse, but you get what I'm saying.

Vote: This is close, but only due to both parties underperforming imo. Doubt went with a less imaginative and less interesting topic but pulled it off better, whereas MMLP had a better idea that was not executed well. In many instances, I choose the better concept, but I felt like MMLP was too scattered and unclear to warrant that. Doubt gets the nod here.

Certain
04-28-2014, 01:47 AM
d0ubt: I thought this was a big dropoff from last week, when you actually challenged a very, very good opponent. From the very beginning, you seemed unassured in your phrasing, as though you wanted to convey a character voice through your narration but weren't quite sure how to handle it. Lines like "resented worse than if a lepur or i murdered the queen" read really awkwardly, and the content was not worthwhile enough to carry this verse otherwise. The rhyming was the strength, but it didn't wow me. I liked the cadence, particularly in the middle section. The couplet beginning "return home to find" was a good example of the best of your flow. But the time jump was sudden, the characters were underdeveloped, and the ending didn't totally make sense. And I didn't think there was enough relation to the topic, either.

MMLP: You were way too ambitious with this, but there's part of me that admires that. Your rhymes were not on the level they had been in previous weeks, but that was because of the degree of complexity required. The problem was that you still muddled a lot of the story. Yes, I figured out what was going on. But the turns of the double- and triple-agent landed too softly because of how unclear your writing was. When going for a big story like this, you will be well-served to think of your writing more as rhymed prose, like you'd find in a book. What I liked most here was the concept as it related to the topic. This was an interesting take on the idea of serving and protecting, and that was enough to win me over in this battle.

Vote: MMLP

e11even
04-28-2014, 02:47 AM
MMLP- I felt like a lot of thios piece didn't rhyme. I also feel like you went above and beyond in scope compared to your first drop. I applaud the effort(including the dialogue). I feel like a lot more could be done here, but I liked the concept and the ambition.

d0ut- The overall execution of this piece was very corny and bland. The only time it was halfway interesting to me was the end where the protagonist killed himself aftere maiming the intruder? I think the concept could have been executed a lot better for what this was.

MVGT MMLP for more interesting concept and approach, although the execution fell short imo.