YOUR 7TH UNIVERSE....

[veritas]

So…
Water is wet? Not to a fish. The father of debt’s mom was the wish,
of doubting Tom, now aplomb yet remiss.
Like how Judas betrayed with a kiss, is modern man’s mind swayed by a snitch,
or melee’d because the Good Sam’s waylaid in a ditch?
The path you paved….is NOT your niche, a shallow grave,
and life’s a bitch.
Build…

The lawn mower man saw his hands become digital in a lucid transcendence,
With the patience of Job, the patients alone began to clone their own endings.
Who would have known that heuristic spin kicks kept them yearning for acceptance?
As evidenced by their replacing darkness for the farthest mystical ascending’s?
The story is never ending: Atreyu…. Gesundheit,
God Bless your climb of the Dark Tower.
And may you ever exhume light,
As you find the time of your final hour.
Of course this will all rhyme to coincide with making your mind cower
But the medium is in the message of: “Silver lining’s subtle shower”.
Foundation***

“Space is the place” read his iconic ironic cotton garment
Far from the fields neglected, infected with that cotton-picking varmint
Who cares about your failed aim, let us discourse your target,
Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet.
Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it,
Parallel to the living hell of which your imagined foes go to start shit.
The heart is desperately wicked, nothing can save it
The truth has always been: “Thanks be to Jesus, because his blood forgave it”.
The climb…

From out of the cave, into the mire, a king now trying to behave as the squire,
This message was sent from 15000 years into your future.
Where your thoughts do behave as the fire that brings the grace that we admire,
To reinvent, yet we keep counting the tears, noire abuser.
The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics
The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits
This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits,
so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics.
Digits…..

This is after your death, after the need for breath,
Just use your imagination.
Outside of depth, width, length, and breadth,
Clever clues paid dues and Heaven’s waiting.
RTF./

[PancakeBrah]

Uncenter this and I'll feed.

[veritas]

Uncenter this and I'll feed.

Fair.

[Miss Sparkles]

This was very creative, Rhymes Scheme. I love your ending, its the best!

[PancakeBrah]

I don't know what the title means nor am I particularly interested in finding out.

"So…
Water is wet? Not to a fish. The father of debt’s mom was the wish,
of doubting Tom, now aplomb yet remiss.
Like how Judas betrayed with a kiss, is modern man’s mind swayed by a snitch,
or melee’d because the Good Sam’s waylaid in a ditch?
The path you paved….is NOT your niche, a shallow grave,
and life’s a bitch.
Build…"

You're opening scheme was smooth as fuck, and unexpected. I've said your wording is stilted in a previous open mic but there was none of that here. Instead of a detached, commanding voice this was more natural. The rhymes were complex but didn't draw attention away from the content. I like the 'path you pave/not your niche' line the most out of this section for content. Surprisingly good start.

"The story is never ending: Atreyu…. Gesundheit,
God Bless your climb of the Dark Tower.
And may you ever exhume light,
As you find the time of your final hour."

'And may you ever exhume light as you find the time of your final hour' is great wording and a nice thought. This little portion felt poetic and I preferred to the four lines preceding it. Those lines were a bit more reminiscent of the stilted wording I took issue with awhile ago, but you saved it with this little gem.

"“Space is the place” read his iconic ironic cotton garment
Far from the fields neglected, infected with that cotton-picking varmint
Who cares about your failed aim, let us discourse your target,
Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet.
Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it,
Parallel to the living hell of which your imagined foes go to start shit.
The heart is desperately wicked, nothing can save it
The truth has always been: “Thanks be to Jesus, because his blood forgave it”.
The climb…"

The bold I didn't like. The first for the wording. It felt corny. The second because it felt a bit propaganda-ish because it was too on the nose. You've been more subtle in this piece than I remember you being but the second bolded line was a call back to that style. I don't have a problem with that being your idea/thought, just the delivery felt off to me. The rest of this section was good, particular the first three lines which may be the best of the piece.

"From out of the cave, into the mire, a king now trying to behave as the squire,
This message was sent from 15000 years into your future.
Where your thoughts do behave as the fire that brings the grace that we admire,
To reinvent, yet we keep counting the tears, noire abuser.
The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics
The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits
This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits,
so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics.
Digits….."

I liked the opening line, disliked the second, and liked the 'astrophysics' line. Closing couplet was fine. This was an okay section. Still an improvement but not as flashy, well-worded, or original as the previous three.

"This is after your death, after the need for breath,
Just use your imagination.
Outside of depth, width, length, and breadth,
Clever clues paid dues and Heaven’s waiting. "

Perfunctory little closing vignette. Good enough.


Overall I think this was the best wording and writer's voice I've read from you on this site, better than the verse against Split Eight in The Winter Topical. There were a couple spots here and there which could've been tweaked but what Open Mic doesn't have that. I missed some of the allusions and deeper religious stuff due to a combination of lack of knowledge/caring and the fact I read these drops mostly for the execution as opposed to the grander theme. But still, surprisingly good work. Not to say I thought you were a bad writing by saying 'surprisingly' but I definitely wasn't a fan of your other style whereas this was more up my alley.

Thanks for the read.

[Witty]

This was good.

[veritas]

thanks guys.

I struggle with writing in a way which is meaningful and lyrical, yet able to be decoded by those that do not care about what it says.

[Witty]

I can relate to that.

You just gotta do you, write what comes to you and don't think too much about it, the conscious mind is often the biggest enemy of the unconscious mind, don't let it hold you back.

[dead man]

hmmmmmmm

[veritas]

hmmmmmmm

for the SOME of us.

I have known you longer than you have known yourself spirit...

[veritas]

I can relate to that.

You just gotta do you, write what comes to you and don't think too much about it, the conscious mind is often the biggest enemy of the unconscious mind, don't let it hold you back.

I write mostly for myself, and for the SOME of us.

[dead man]

for the SOME of us.

I have known you longer than you have known yourself spirit...
elaborate?

[veritas]

Your muse, we may call it....

I speak to it. I challenge it. Free thyself.

[Witty]

I dunno what the some of us means.

but ok.

[Geno]

tbh. this was really fucking dope. wth

[veritas]

Thanks Geno. preciate it mayne.

[Primeval Martyr]

Regarding the second paragraph, which had the best concept and vocab, I hate to see good words go unryhmed. Like the opener to the second paragraph, you got these sexy words like "digital" and "lucid" and they never get fucked. Also, "ascending" and "transcendence" have the same root, if that bothers you.

[veritas]

Regarding the second paragraph, which had the best concept and vocab, I hate to see good words go unryhmed. Like the opener to the second paragraph, you got these sexy words like "digital" and "lucid" and they never get fucked. Also, "ascending" and "transcendence" have the same root, if that bothers you.

excellent feed sir. Fair enough.

[Vulgar]

Very kundalini-ish. You work well with words but sometimes you staple yourself to a wall and lose the reader. It's like reading science fiction on a plane ride. The contents are intriguing but the air is stale and the mechanisms rarely land comfortably in the reader's mind. You are meant for academic writing at this stage, perhaps, unless you can reach into our imaginations and stimulate the organs that make us care.

[namix]

Very kundalini-ish. You work well with words but sometimes you staple yourself to a wall and lose the reader. It's like reading science fiction on a plane ride. The contents are intriguing but the air is stale and the mechanisms rarely land comfortably in the reader's mind. You are meant for academic writing at this stage, perhaps, unless you can reach into our imaginations and stimulate the organs that make us care.

^this is really strong feedback here V.... while harsher than I believe is needed imho, i "get it" because i've suffered from the same disconnect at times.

about to breakdown for myself, but a courtesy "up" as I do so is in order since this piece did not get the feed it should have.

[namix]

Water is wet? Not to a fish.
BOOM. I was immediately impressed and intrigued by the start of this dude.

The shift in perspective you granted in that seed you planted is super strong... it SHOULD make most readers review their vantage point, and that is the beginning of allowing their perspective to grow, by seeing through the eyes of another.

Then:
The father of debt’s mom was the wish,
^ that was a very creative way to put a common truth, imo. strong flow into your following segment... HOWEVER, that is where your specific subject matter expertise started to betray you bro. as in, you could lose your connection with the audience by going to far to the side that you connect with.

there were other gems throughout this, and i think there were flashes in this piece of yours that surpassed any other pieces I've read from you sincerely --- like, real genius shit... working on maintaining that is what will make your writing just drop jaws though (and open eyes).

its a consistency thing, use your inspiration as inspiration --- the message you want to convey, but then let that come out in a different way -- a way that anyone can relate to. the 'click' you've had, so to speak, can be told through so many different ways, and I think you are creative enough to deliver it in a way that will engage more than most....

but your truth will likely be learned by others in a different way than it was first heard by you.

it's hard to write about an array of different topics as you see them converge into a single point of similarities, if that makes sense --- but, using your own journey as a reminder of the two points between A and B can help remind you to take an 'end message' and apply it to something very specific, a very specific story everyone can relate to.... growing up, their first day of school, recess... anything in time can serve as that inspiration connection to others, that can either directly or subconsciously accomplish the same thing you were hoping to with this drop.


I hope that makes some sense or is of some help, but if not, hey, your concepts were great out the gate, and your flow was tight. the overall message was clear (to me) but I do think that Vulgar's feedback was a good representation of how the average solid reader/writer my take it ----- so consider it for your message to resonate further bro.


Some other tight gems to round out the feedback :)
Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet.
Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it,

The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics
The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits
This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits,
so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics.

"made my bed inside your head" - tight.
"mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics" - agreed
"ereupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use up to its limits" - yessir, ill

then, I loved the subtlety of "nightly it makes its visits" ----- the dreamscape is such an underappreciated representation of that aforementioned truth you highlighted.

then you gave the key to unlocking it in THIS world, alas, the critics are rarely faced in the capacity you suggested. ;)


Great read man, I can say that it lost a little steam from the intro to the subsequent blocks, but you had a spike toward the end. also, the intro was hot, so it was not hard to lose a bit of heat from that imo

good stuff.

[veritas]

I love u.