Week 10: 5. timeless (5-4) vs. 6. Adonis (4-5) \\ timeless wins 6-5

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=68449).


Topic


“I never expect to see a perfect work from an imperfect man.” — Alexander Hamilton


Good luck, timeless and Adonis.

[timeless]

Beautiful incarceration of one's mind
uses clues where a martyr's placement of trust lies.
Consuming admirations and guilty pleasures.
Assuming labs cure patients, we'd build the pressure.

Day was October twenty sixth, hour : Five PM.
In Washington the president powered life again
into the dying nation. Twenty fourteen descends...
...and maybe twenty fifteen will show new ends meet...
...when they have the world's head in revenge.
Restless we stand in awe as his bittersweet speech commenced...

Pen in hand, he seperated the world map into three sections.
Pay attention as to why, it will surely unfold deep lessons.
"Before I do this, I want no questions,
just unity and blessings."
A reporter waived his hand, "What if..."
Two words is all we heard, he couldn't even finish the sentence.
The rest of the crowd gasped, shocked and felt betrayed.
The president laid his gun back down, "there is wealth in what I say.
If no one listens, there is no understanding. There will be hell to pay."
As he picked the pen back up,
we realized we had only our souls to sell today.
"We've grown tired, we need control of ourselves.
The United States government will excel
and divide the world into three seperate sections,
with each continent representing certain heavens.
You can either be free or act like a pack of animals,
in which well let you kill yourselves. Reaction cannibal.
Japanese attacked pearl harbor and brought us into war.
Al Qaeda brought down the towers, and brought us to use force.
For once, we will attack first, we will pursue our goals.
To the powers of the world : we have withdrew your roles."
Before he could continue, a man rushed to his side.
"I need to take this phone call." He ran, tucked in his pride.
When he came back, he struggled to say a word.
"Putin called, kidnapped my wife and my baby girls.
He told me, 'not today, obama!'
I cried and told him "I didn't wanna...'
He told me to 'shut the fuck up'
Then he hung the phone up."

Nostalgia breathes and keeps my heart at ease with moderate speeds,
but collars the weak parts of my mind and keeps me bothered, yet free.
I'd drown but the water's not deep enough to hold my modernist fee.
I'd solemnly speak...but there's no time left...
...as I'm watching my tolerance flee.
Pomegranate colored thoughts with an apple's point of view.
You're free, but still trying to get out of the lasso that hoisted you
out of civilization, into a head on collision with deprivation.
Even the thought of peace and unity couldnt bless the nation.
I never expect to see a perfect work from an imperfect man,
but I assumed that somebody, somewhere...
...has prepared a more assertive plan.

[Adonis]

Time is edgy with a crispy crust.
She creates with a gist of love. Yet,
Sadly ticks away with a bit of rust.
She's Certainly Intelligible...Cerebral fisticuffs.
Leaving readers wanting more within her artful touch.
Painting vivid sigils vaguely, with a golden brush.
Life is...
like death...Both are so abrupt.
A little Asian; breaking dance into a crutch.
Death's been dyed – And the color – Is of love.
Brothers made of blood follow orders just because.
and Frankly, every written is heaven's vision from above.
But the attention span of a vote is Zombie and unjust.
Grab a spike when you write. The Ink 's made of drugs.
The Land of Zen will deconstruct,
wrap your arms round for a hug.
Brace behemoth,
and a dead man covers up.
Innovating flows rip Atoms from the cusp
As they Split to erupt, an E Nigma is the dud.
Bursting from cells with a @Mercy Less strut.
Chug-A-Lug.
Train of thought sipping butts.
Flicking ash from the bud. Eating dabs aint enough.
If the tunnel has no light then the mind can't construct.
But if there's beams and the tunnels bright with a buzz.
Then you'll Just Write with the Objective to discuss.
Written theories and concepts. You're decent in a shrub.
Hidden gems boiling, just never bubble up.
Time is whack. Break the chains that shackle us.

The birth of a Jah. A sun god amongst man.
Adonis, both handsome face and creative hand.
Another mold, Vulgar scrolls or kid like crayons.
Parchment paper covered with his witty scribbled plans.
He's clearly in demand. A lovely prick in your glands.
He's the gOAT. Imperfect perfections
More than Man

[King Ra.]

Entertaining read on both ends here. Nice clash of raw styles. timeless, I like to do something you did similar here (outside of centering a verse) which is build a story up then bringing everyone right into the meat of it. You did that with your opening sections, which was written well. The first stanza laid a foundation and then the second one set the scene for your story. Now getting into the meat of it, your story dives into the president, putting the finishing touches on a plan to divide the world up, the reporters anxiously wanting to ask what are his motives, curious to understand his vision. He is then interrupted by a phone call from Putin who has his family hostage as means to sort of thwart his plan which he concocted. That was a crazy, out the blue switch up. You rounded off nicely with the ending stanza. The president had what he probably felt was the perfect plan, but through his own imperfection couldn't devise such. I suck sometimes at explaining but that's what I took from it. Good story though. Then there is Adonis, who went this crazy but creative route, and it seemed this topic was perfect for your grand plan, which fits a lot of the current comments made about your writing and personality. But you wrote this very well, using the names of AOWL members to fit in this ideal picture you wanted to make clear: despite others opinions of your radical form of writing, your perfection is through your imperfection. How's that for a mind fuck? Whatever your message, it was clear and I really like the way you wrote this. It was clean, less fractured. And it actually meshed with the topic, though the first read made me believe that this was just a toss up verse. Good stuff.

So, while I liked the different directions, one stood out more. I think your both hit the topic well, and wrote nicely. I feel timeless succeeded a tad better writing wise and with his content. I always like a good story. Adonis succeeded more in that his direction was riskier (which the risk worked imo) and more creative. It had more of a personal feel. My deciding factor comes in timeless story. For the direction he went, the dialouge was okay but the Putin part read more forced meaning you sacrificed better conversation for a simpler one to rhyme if that makes sense. A more deeper explanation of the kidnapping would have been good as well. So, I'm going with Adonis here, for a more creative, personal touch, without any real hiccups.

MVGT: Adonis. Good job by both competitors.

[Just Write]

Lol, this was an entertaining battle

Timeless, you went for a more political approach which was pretty on point until where putin kidnapped his family, while I appreciate the humor in the next few lines I felt the word usage was a little elementary compared to the rest of your piece, I just feel like those 4-6 lines stuck out like an eye sore. I think you could have reworded that area to make it still humorous but still keep the same caliber vernacular. As for the piece itself it was very well written, conceptionally and mechanically. You did your thing


Adonis, you chose the more brag route which if done right can be awesome and this was pretty good, I wish you wouldn't have used the @ symbols to tag everyone, I mean regardless of what you think of your superiority over all human life most of us are pretty smart and would have caught it lol. I thought this was the most direct and to the topic piece you've written and that makes me happy. It was more clear than your recent pieces which makes it easier for the reader.


This is actually a very close battle because you both wrote very polished pieces and this could really go either way. This time im going to have to go with timeless though because I think he was more creative in his approach to the topic.

Mvgt=timeless

[Wonderbred]

timeless: This was a solid piece. I really felt the opening a lot, it was strong. You did a great job of telling a story with narrative, and you pulled off the switch to first person well at the end. Imagery was on point, you really conveyed the gravity of the situation. One thing I did notice was that your flow, although it was impeccable in the abstract parts at the beginning and the end, kind of fell apart in the middle. There were a lot of choppy multis and monosyllabic rhymes, which felt out of place given the complexity of the rest of it. Still, you did enough to get the point across, and I liked the verse a lot. Also, you closed it out almost perfectly.
Adonis: First of all, I thought that was crazy how you used everyone's names in your verse. Super creative, and major points in my book. It's always kind of risky to take an abstract route like you did, and to be honest, you could've pulled it off better. I felt like your description of Time was pretty drawn out, and it took up most of the verse. I thought the connection between Time and the second part of your verse was kind of tenuous, and you didn't quite hit the topic as well as timeless IMO. Flow was kind of choppy, comparable to the middle of timeless's verse.

All in all, I felt one's verse was more relevant to the topic and, while it had its flaws, it also had more bright spots than his opponent's.
MVGT: timeless

[zygote]

A bit of a conceptual difference, I did not enjoy the almost constant stream of username references, it came across as gimmicky and uninspired. It does respond to the topic, albeit tangentially, it's a tongue in cheek attack of the different members, pointing out flaws. It might have been more effective without the @ signs, Frankly and Certainly, wasn't effective, very minimal homophone puns. Timeless stood out in comparison with a warped biographical writing, would have preferred a standard biography, but the image of a clean-cut politician brandishing a gun had a sort of absurd humor that is appealing. The last section was the weakest, switching out from the narrative view to a narration view was less interesting than a crazy ending for the press conference that it seemed to be building up to. Voting timeless.

[Perpendicular]

Timeless: Forced rhymes. That’s my first impression of you. Extraneous details to your story were also boring. I also didn’t appreciate your characterization. What kind of man prepared to split the world and claim world war overtake would crumble because his wife and kids were taken? Just doesn’t seem like that’s how it would go, to me. Strong closer, though.
Adonis: Where’s my shoutout? That was a cool take on the topic. Definitely original, and refreshingly braggadocio. Whos to say it can’t work? Playful banter, good pacing. I liked the verse man.
Vote:Adonis

[Zombie]

Enjoyed the shoutout and Adonis's take but think it veered off a bit. Timeless veered but had a strong grasp in accordance to the quote/topic revealed. V/Timeless with two enjoyable verses. Intense.

[Frank]

Timeless.

The Putin/Obama angle felt tacked on to the already vague writing and didn't do anything for me. Once the revelation was made: I back tracked in my minds eye and could not place a finger on any sort of, connection to the turn of events, and so I chalked it up to a pointless write up. Pomegranate thoughts was the most invigorating line - I can't recall much pass that, that stood out in any way: lyrically, visually, metaphorically... The writing does not warrant a reread. Nothing about the build up beckoned me to give it another go. Know what I'm saying? Your run on sentence style is light and does not carry weight in the literary sense. However, with that being said, it seems to me that that is your your style, so keep at it. And as for the tie into the topic......stretch of the imagination

Adonis

You missed an @ sign for Zenland. And Mercy had the @ sign, but was not underlined - defeating the purpose. I didn't like that. But all your other @ signs were flawlessly underlined with cutting edge technology. Then again, your @ certain was sloppy. The concept of the perfect man and mentioning everyone in the league was excellent subconscious sway technique.Story ending on a powerful note leaned my decision more in your favor. Referring to Vulgar as the goat was ill advised. Saying Time was wack was a topical stab at your opponent. You are one of the dirtiest players in this league. That line I was mentioned in I interpreted as some sort of flattery. The verse is far from perfect, very far from it actually. It is imperfect: This my friend is where you succeed

MVGT Adonis

[Split]

Timeless. Intriguing, lost me at the last stanza. Some weird aspects. Obama pulling a gun. Significance of three sections of world. What separate heavens means. No conclusion.

Adonis. Kind of wrote a flex. More of a meta self-referential verse about yourself in comparison to other writers. Some great scattered thoughts, but no real overall goal.


Couldn't really justify saying one verse was better than the other...two indirect takes on the topic. I enjoyed Adonis's use of language more, but at the same time Timeless had a developed effort at a story that slightly missed, where Adonis wrote on topic but in a simple way.


I feel like Timeless deserves this win.

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Short vote: I'll go with the messican because he managed to produce something that was if nothing else playful and in the context of this type of writing a gratifying read (though I wish the schemes were delivered with less breathing pause-like gaps). timeless was well-structured but a bit tedious to read and that together with the well-developed but unspectacular content lead to a moderately enjoyable but still fairly flat end product

[e11even]

Timeless- this has an interesting focal point but quickly became convoluted with the whole putin thing. Then came that last stanza. I feel like you either hit a creative wall or rushed. Either way, some interesting ideas not fully expounded upon. I really wanted more of what you started with.

Adonis- this came off like a filler no show verse. An ode to aowl. Overall pretty cool, as most wouldn't try this, but as a person that is equally as ridiculously risk-heavy, i appreciated the drop. I think if some overt comedy was included this would have been an easier vote for me.

MVGT Adonis for a longer lasting impression and better overall experience, as timeless, while not bad, was mildly confusing.

[Certain]

timeless: You really got lost here, and we got lost with you. I think you had a point to make about governance, but that middle stanza threw it away because your image of this strange hostile world takeover attempt was really unclear and underdeveloped. It's like you couldn't decide whether to go all-in on the narrative or use the narrative as a metaphor inside this greater piece, and that indecision left the narrative too large and undercooked. There also were more awkward rhymes than I've seen from you in the past week, partially because the content was so out-of-the-box. But what I liked was the point you made in the final stanza, which I thought worked well in the context of the topic. Writing about politics was a bit easy this week, though.

Adonis: I'm not about these gimmicks, so I'm going to judge your verse as though those word choices were not meant to reflect members of our league. Most of them work, though the Zombie namedrop was very forced. The theme of this verse was very straight-forward (as expected given your use of a a gmmick). But some of the writing, especially toward the end, was good. I didn't care for the beginning, as the namedrops were all forced to a degree early on and the content wasn't in focus. But there were some spots where the writing simply wasn't enough, like using "tunnel" twice in a couplet seemingly more from sloppiness than intent. Ultimately this verse didn't feel as polished as your best work, and your ambition (aside from the corny gimmick) was not as grand as your opponent's.

Vote: timeless