Week 10: 7. Vulgar (4-1) vs. 8. Split Eight (1-2) \\ Split Eight wins 4-3

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=68449).


Topic


“The slavery of fear makes men afraid to think.” — Thomas Paine


Good luck, Vulgar and Split Eight.

[Split]

Billerica's shallow-breathed madonna. A wealth of exposure.
She had delicate shoulders, that were pallid, translucent,
and fell into loose ends, an umbrella of brunette locks-
seldom reclusive or obtrusive at all. A true inner ten.
She meandered through minutia of men, starstruck.
Bruises and red accrued in the grooves of her neck.
Harmless... aloof, when you're tense. Abuse was a stretch.
Freezing as comets, sleeting rain toxins, I'll hold your hair
but the solution ain't death. The fleeting hush between vomits.
She was obsequiously honest. It was becoming.
She was plain and petit. Soft-lipped. With a dusting,
of make-up, Nikki cropped the mistakes quarreled by lovers.
Her constant sorrow was smothered in the drapes of my coat,
she kept her acquaintances close and heralded secrets to few...
like the punches (or rhyme poems), the very things breathed into you.
The Shins as her splint, a traipse into smoke, open, in visceral bliss.
She labored to know the pith of your intimate truths like a quivering kiss,
but turned her own head as the grips of it grew and presented her cheek.
Unrequited chic... the resume of every night's trends, hit into snooze,
you the listening room, and she- silenced for the Xth "and again".
Unfashionably late. When class was engaged, she wore rings
in her eyes, margins drenched, torn with the stinging of dye,
living a lie that's tattooed on your carcass in your studio apartment.
I love Nikki's sister. But my message, so crucial imparted...
For him, love is an appreciative gesture. A withering fortress
to imprison what's gorgeous in a sleep that's unmeasured,
and she the dream that is gardened but never in bloom.
Fear is the heart of man. And you've slept in the room.

She's thinking it over.

[Vulgar]

The Robber, The Count & The Penthouse

Murray was a somewhat intelligent thief,
stuck a gun in the Count's back, ready to squeeze
but first he needed the vault code on level 73
The Count was rumored to be a temperamental man with hurtful, rough edges
who claimed he made a living off 'the work of scum peasants'
Exactly the type of man he enjoyed robbing of his items of wealth
The Count said, "You're too nice for this, & you strike me as righteous as well."
Mind games already? He tried to flog him, in essence
Murray was surprised there were no security guards in attendance
but even so, he feigned confidence; he would've disarmed all his henchmen

Floor 1... 2... 3... ..

The Count tried to strongarm him by mentioning reasons and bribes
that he'd had too many demons inside, and his money dreams were a lie
that the water up to his knees was too high, in a manner of speaking
The elevator music was eerie - mandolins screeching
"You should plan for retreat, kid. Scammers and leeches are damned on this evening..."
Murray doubted this man's scandalous teasing, stared him right in the eyes
The Count's famed vault was said to be in his penthouse, high in the sky
When the elevator reached the top, the doors popped open
"WHAT'S THE CODE?!" he swung the gun, the Count's nose got broken
This only seemed to encourage the Count, who was a maniacal Frenchman
"I'm a masochist, you idiot... I won't even try and deflect it!!"
"You don't know who you're robbing... Do ya, pal?"
"Hit me!" he grinned, on his knees, flashing a toothless mouth
"I'll kill your entire family, Mr. Murray Albright.." was his ruthless vow
"--H-How do you know my...?" All he wanted was to scoop the jewels & bounce
Murray considered if he should leave this skitzo riddled with holes
knowing that if he beat him to death, he STILL wouldn't give up the code...
Fear crept into the mold -
After hearing that he knew his real identity, Murray felt brittle and cold...
The Count stood up and pressed the elevator button, "Down you go, you spineless whelp"
"Robbers used to have balls in my day...you should be ashamed of yourself."
Murray shivered at how unafraid the man was, he'd never forget him
"Get the fuck off my property, heathen, go stick up a 7/11"
Murray scurried into the elevator, apparently getting the message
unaware that he'd just been hoodwinked by a veteran legend
Seconds before the elevator doors shut, the Count pulled a hidden lever beneath
"The pass code is "Freefall" --
Dread set in, Murray attempted to flee
but he was already dropping at terrible speeds

[Perpendicular]

Split Eight: interesting take on the topic. The wording is what makes your verses unique. “the resume of every night’s trends” “minutia of men” were interesting word choices that popped. You really encapsulated the characters. The interesting thing is how much personality you gave to the narrator just by the way he described her. Strong work, with a very natural flow.
Vulgar: Classic storytelling. Very clean writing. Concise, to the point, nothing extraneous. Couple of things rubbed me the wrong way that are personal taboos, but nothing major. I’ve always thought that writing natural-sounding dialogue for more than a line or two is one of the hardest things to do in this medium after actually being funny. You both (basically) had character pieces and I feel split had better characterization
Vote: Split eight

[Just Write]

Woah. This was awesome

Split, a very very descriptive narration of what seems to me is a man obsessing over a girl but he's too afraid to act of the feelings? At least thats what I got from it. The wording choice in this is what was a stand out for me, very refined and sophisticated if you will. I enjoyed this piece quite a bit actually.


Vulgar, i really like the fact that you made this a little more reader friendly as far as content, wording, and references. Sometimes I have no idea what you are talking about and it just makes me not want to read it but this was just a great reader friendly story. Still technically sound but I fould more enjoyment out of it because it left me satisfied after reading it, my only gripe is that I wish it was a little longer.


This was a really hard decision. Both of you know what you're doing and kill it in your own styles so honestly i'm going to pick a winner solely on which one I enjoyed MORE and thats vulgar.


Mvgt=Vulgar

[Zombie]

Intense on both sides. Loved Splits take. Loved Vulgars take. Detail to the max. Comes down to the wire. I'm voting split.

[Frank]

Split

Poetic penmanship. This character description of this lady was very flowery and wafty. I imagine you writing with delicate movement of a puppet handlers working the strings. You always have some intoxicating lines that spell bind the piece but more often than not its all a bunch kaleidoscope bs. I read your stuff for the occsional gems via imagery. I'm not reading your stuff cause I'm trying read something that actually makes sense. No. Quite the contrary. Your writing is not top tier as it's been eluded to, but it is in it's own league of abstracness. In this league theres other weirdos with subforums of their own. You are an individual. Your tendency to completely abandon schemes and write tangentially about topics is somewhat what you've become known for. Odd descriptions from a nerdy, zany writer. This verse is caked up, but underneath it all, it's pretty plain jane. The topic, in my estimation, is a metaphor for man being a slave to the beauty of woman.

Vulgar

The writing is really coming along, from a comprehensive, cohesive viewpoint. I'm finishing your reads with a different kind of satisfaction that correlates directly to your more straightforward writing. Your reference heavy wording has taken a backseat and I fear it is not for the best. Even so, this piece(and basketball game of death) have been gangster. I'm sure you are still capable of grandiose topical writing and I think by implementing that style would be your advantage, more so. I enjoyed this tale of the hit squad in the warehouse. It was sinister story telling. Reminded me of NYCSPITZ/Totoro. My advice would be to you - do not be a spineless whelp and neglect the true vulgar. Do you.

Battles are determined by the better connection with the topic given in retrospect to the perspective of the reader.

Voting Split for his cuff N locket love sonnet

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Split Eight - the precision of the wording was not on par with last week's effort and it hurts a piece written in this mellow/somber mood when there's a "break" - moreso than when there's craziness afoot. Still, that's nitpicking. I enjoyed the disconnected movement - your scenes are like charcoal sketches and your characters pastels (that fade into each other seemlessly).

Vulgar - I've always enjoyed your verbose tales of fuckery and this was fairly classic Vulgar in that sense... the wording however was not on the level as some of the shroom-fueled snapshots of insanity that you've produced in the past. A little more grayscale than the usual fantastical play with light (I don't know why I'm dissecting this battle from such a visual vantage). Story progression and dialog were top notch.

vote is for Vulgar in a coin flip, based on masterful progression

[oats]

Split: it took a couple reads to really fall into this, but that's mostly because I'm high-tired and would get lost in the depths of your verbiage (in a good way). nevertheless I enjoy verses that exist for re-reading; to me it's a fault if you can get everything out of a first read. in any case, the unique language and lofty descriptions definitely set a tone, like an intense silence. very pensive and brooding.

I like how there's never a full-frontal encounter with the topic. added to the allure, of not only the verse but the woman. I definitely can testify to the unnerving feeling of vulnerability for a chick. this was a great sketch of that, projected onto a friend-zoned (I think) suitor. very pancake-ish style, you two share a lot of similar sensibilities. I didn't like how you named her midway through, would have almost liked her to not be named. Nikki sounds pornoesque to me, too, which isn't a big deal but I figured I'd mention it. not much to complain about here, it was a thorough, well-written verse.


Vulgar: this definitely had some similarities to the bball game of death, insofar as the twisted turns and straightforward narrative style. some maniacal shit, which you do better than anyone else. you don’t lose the realness in the humor; these seemed like regular personalities that have been shaped and distorted by extraordinary circumstances, this being just another in a long line. I like how you shade these characters, hinting at more than what is actually there. lots of dope shit in this story.

it’s tough because I just don’t see fear as being the main player in these events unfolding. if anything, more like preparation, experience, competence, etc. I get that Murray was scared, but even if he was exceedingly confident/fearless, would things have turned out any different? I’m not sure they would. How would he have gotten the code out of the man? That was my main gripe, I guess. the story itself, the writing, was all great, but I just didn’t see this being a depiction of fear.


Vote: this is odd, in that I'm not voting for the verse I liked more. While both were very dope in their own right, I felt like Split's just tackled the topic better. Vulgar may have been victim to his own creativity, as it just deviated enough to make the indecision of being in a state of fear feel a little tacked on. Dope battle though, my favorite of the round.

[Soulstice]

split - old school topical feel to this. i liked it. the language was natural except for one or two instances (pith, imo, was one), and the flow was smooth except for "unrequited", and on a tangent im not sure if most readers give the writer a pass and pronounce it so it flows or stubbornly refuse to reconcile and mess up the flow. for me i certainly reread it the way it flows better, but the rereading somewhat stays with me after the piece finishes. anyways, the topic wasnt amazing -love, obsession, brief examinations of abuse seemed writ in there (hey whats love anyway), but dense language has a way of keeping things fresh because the readers mind is active and allows for more processing of symbolism and specific meaning, which to say, calling anything about love a "love song/poem/piece" doesnt do justice to the author, which dimensions of love is he investigating? with an active mind a reader can dig deeper into these specifications. the read was engaging.

vulgar - awesome. i think the topical scene needs to see more of these completely unbounded by concept stories. just "tales of fuckery" as some alias referred to it as. fresh characters, fresh settings, and natural dialogue - all of that was here except for the very first line the count said. scammers and leeches. eh. overall though, the imagery was very tight, the flow wasnt as great as splits, but i was immersed in the story, hardly paying attention to rhyme. so it worked

v - vulgar
very enjoyable piece, while splits was engaging, i just liked vulgars more