PDA

View Full Version : Week 10: 13. Vividlyvague (5-3) vs. 14. Johnathan Mercy (1-1) \\ Vividlyvague wins 6-4


Certain
04-28-2014, 03:59 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=68449).


Topic


“The only safe road to honor, glory and dignity is justice.” — George Washington


Good luck, Vividlyvague and Johnathan Mercy.

Three-Planes-Aligned
05-02-2014, 02:51 PM
“The only safe road to honor, glory and dignity is justice.” —

George Washington


Glory was a failed mobster and name dropper
Honor a ghoul; a goon and a grave robber
Dignity a depraved father
- keeping well-behaved daughters in slave collars
Roughnecks that would bust lips
- And hawk snuff flicks to make dollars
Or they'd take dollars... hustlers and earners
- Roving at random busting their burners
Corrupted, perverted, destructive, disturbing
- disruptive, concerted, plundering burglars
Unscrupulous nature - most disgusting of persons
Despite his toughness and fervor Justice was murdered

e11even
05-02-2014, 08:50 PM
The door swept open with the silent grace of a good lubricant.
"Jason, what do we do with this?" stepping in, his lawyer wasn'ttoo convinced
His twenty year pal was this ruthlessprick. But if the charges are due to stick,
JasonKnight fought right,but lost sight of 'the fight' in the truest sense.
"I need your plea and your testimony, and then I'll walk you throughthe script..."
"Well..." Jason was new to this. This 'due process' was brutal just up to this point.
The media made him the heel, a perception that to kill was his pastime and joy.
There -was- a silent wrath in this void, however. With motive... a past to exploit.
"...I just wanted to be a good cop, and be a dad to my boys."
"Yea, but this is new terrain, Jace. They'll attack and deploy until..."
"What?"
"..until all the good your deeds amassed are destroyed!"
"I know this looks bad, Harvey, but this path was worth the bashes and points."
"Jason. We've been friends since... since that clash with that Boyd fella.
You know i'm the first at batfor you with loyalty forever,
But... ever thought you were over the top with your avenging endeavors?"
Jason wastaken aback, their kinship connection was severed...
"Boyd deserved to lose that finger! You and I took my sis to the ER together!
...Or is that the kinda shit you take for granted and don't care to remember?!"
Harvey paused. "My bad, Jace. I didn't mean it. Just help me so your chances are better..."
"I plead guilty. First degreemanslaughter. Three counts."
"What?! I can help! You know I know the law down to the letter!"
"No. I will confess to all charges. All you need to do is listen."
"Fuck. I'm -all ears-, or whatever."

"Press Record."
_________________...

Jan 17th was thestart of the war. A narc's worst nightmare, and Satan's reward.
At the crackdown's epicenter was the big fence,
Cartel guns and troopers putting points on the board.
Formerly SWAT, me and Jordan B. Potts were go-to's, stopping the 'pure'.
5 yr partners, we squat, and pounce on the rot rookies failed to procure.
During myvacay in dubai away from the narcotic gangs and the grime they bated. The lure:
"Jordan Braxton Potts'll be shot in the head if we're not cut in on your scores..."
Being the lax semi-jock I am with my glock, I said,"Go fuck your pinche abuela, senor!"
CLICK.Was there merit to the threat? I called Potts to make sure.
BRRRRRRRRTT. BRRRRRRRRTT. CLICK. "Bear claws in honey..."
The code. Right. "Tigger's treehouse is funny."
"Wassup, Jace? I was just about ta--
..."
"Hello? Potts?"
"Yea. Someone's here. Who's aware of my spot?"
"No one except me. But I did get a call from these-"
"SWAT! What the fuck is this?! You're coming with us. Resist and get shot!"
"Jordan. Jordan!" They tortured him while I listened. Sent his head in a box.
His wife and children reported dead days later in a similar plot.
I was responsible. They framed me with the drop.
My gun was on the scene. The ones caught gave my name and got locked.
So I traced lines to get even. Carlos Mendoza. Cartel leader of three men.
Cop hunters and extortion elitists. Abortions to society due to criminal genius.
The war was over Menonnite allegiance and its cover-up.
We got close, they noticed. And now, with me evading the fucking cuffs,
I had to make a move. Good thing Mendoza was a shutter bug.
Instagram gave me all I needed to place some trinkets and call it up.
Then I called him up.
"Hello, cabron."
"Hola, Mendoza. Get ready for your actions to reach closer to home." CLICK.
Some investigative hacking brought me to the palisades. Wife and kids were alone.
In through the back window. Scraped .38, full clip to unload.
"And you did it?!"
Yes. They cried and pleaded, but I am devoid of a soul.
"Mommy, aren't cops supposed to protect us?" KAAK! KAAK! KAAK!
The silencer allowed clean escape, with justice the means to bestow
A judgement upon others in exact exchange for all that they owe.

The code.

Zombie
05-03-2014, 03:09 AM
Impressed by the brevity of Johnathan here and the ability to entail such detail with literally less words than I'm about to write for this vote. VV had a proper story and all that, and requested a story, which he didn't need. I think he delivered a good verse, but the dialogue was a bit much. The double quoted take JM took was impressive. Personified the use of language and made it his own. VV had a lot going on, and was harder to follow. IT pains me to think that I believe JM's verse is better, due to brevity, but I truly think he delivered a short - but masterful take on the topic that just lit my ribbons up. V/JM.

Just Write
05-03-2014, 02:42 PM
Well this is a pretty one sided battle imo, jm you really had something going here and I wish you would have had time to finish (I hope this wasnt the finished product) you have one of the most impeccable flows in the league and since your first drop ive looked forward to reading your pieces each week. Vivid, awesome storytelling ability. Each one of your pieces feel like im watching a movie, just always enjoyable. This was the same although I feel many sometimes you use TOO much dialogue at times, which sometimes makes it feel choppy. Regardless great piece

Mvgt=vivid

Split
05-03-2014, 05:17 PM
“The only safe road to honor, glory and dignity is justice.” —

George Washington


Glory was a failed mobster and name dropper
Honor a ghoul; a goon and a grave robber
Dignity a depraved father
- keeping well-behaved daughters in slave collars
Roughnecks that would bust lips
- And hawk snuff flicks to make dollars
Or they'd take dollars... hustlers and earners
- Roving at random busting their burners
Corrupted, perverted, destructive, disturbing
- disruptive, concerted, plundering burglars
Unscrupulous nature - most disgusting of persons
Despite his toughness and fervor Justice was murdered

Very, very thought-provoking. I like how unconventional/ antithetical your verse is right off the bat, it really makes people realize they have to search for significance if they want to find it. It doesn't necessarily change the quality or impact of your verse, but it is clever.

Your personification of Glory, Honor, and Dignity are jarring. I'm not sure to what degree Justice is the (failed?) means to each of these ends. I feel as if each 'character' is more of a misunderstanding of these three ideals... or like, a forsaken figure that once stood for Them, and through failure has become but the methods and patterns that used to administer these ideas. "Honor" was sloppy.

Mass ineptitude can kill the strongest dogma.

Circumventing justice, in one way or another, lead these three metaphorical people astray.

This was a solid base, but I really didn't think it was fleshed out enough... nothing felt firmly established, and there didn't seem to be much cause or delineation as to what this Chaos means in terms of the Quote, but you did make it clear that without Justice honor, dignity, and glory lose their value...

Overall a tiny bit uninspired and thin on details. Short but tenacious.

Nice rhyming, but I wanted moar.

The door swept open with the silent grace of a good lubricant.
"Jason, what do we do with this?" stepping in, his lawyer wasn'ttoo convinced
His twenty year pal was this ruthlessprick. But if the charges are due to stick,
JasonKnight fought right,but lost sight of 'the fight' in the truest sense.
"I need your plea and your testimony, and then I'll walk you throughthe script..."
"Well..." Jason was new to this. This 'due process' was brutal just up to this point.

"Silent grace of a good lubricant" lol I don't like the connotation of lubricant... very weird way to lead off.

So the lawyer is ruthless asshole. Jason fought the trial (upcoming) correctly but not ethically/ "properly."



The media made him the heel, a perception that to kill was his pastime and joy.
There -was- a silent wrath in this void, however. With motive... a past to exploit.
"...I just wanted to be a good cop, and be a dad to my boys."
"Yea, but this is new terrain, Jace. They'll attack and deploy until..."
"What?"
"..until all the good your deeds amassed are destroyed!"
"I know this looks bad, Harvey, but this path was worth the bashes and points."
"Jason. We've been friends since... since that clash with that Boyd fella.
You know i'm the first at batfor you with loyalty forever,
But... ever thought you were over the top with your avenging endeavors?"
Jason wastaken aback, their kinship connection was severed...
"Boyd deserved to lose that finger! You and I took my sis to the ER together!
...Or is that the kinda shit you take for granted and don't care to remember?!"
ROUGH transitions. Good slants/ individual rhymes. But not fluid.

So Jason is being construed as a murder by the media. Awk dialogue. "Bashes and point" das not it mane.

Idk what is happening with the guys not being brothers/ friends bc of his moral critiques. REALLY need to know what happened for this to make sense.


Harvey paused. "My bad, Jace. I didn't mean it. Just help me so your chances are better..."
"I plead guilty. First degreemanslaughter. Three counts."
"What?! I can help! You know I know the law down to the letter!"
"No. I will confess to all charges. All you need to do is listen."
"Fuck. I'm -all ears-, or whatever."

"Press Record."


Dude killed three dudes but was actually a good dude???



Jan 17th was thestart of the war. A narc's worst nightmare, and Satan's reward.
At the crackdown's epicenter was the big fence,
Cartel guns and troopers putting points on the board.
Formerly SWAT, me and Jordan B. Potts were go-to's, stopping the 'pure'.
5 yr partners, we squat, and pounce on the rot rookies failed to procure.
During myvacay in dubai away from the narcotic gangs and the grime they bated. The lure:
"Jordan Braxton Potts'll be shot in the head if we're not cut in on your scores..."
Being the lax semi-jock I am with my glock, I said,"Go fuck your pinche abuela, senor!"

I thought the dialogue was good here and everything was tighter but wtf just happened. Who tf got kidnapped and why the fuck did everything

how is this first person now?




CLICK.Was there merit to the threat? I called Potts to make sure.
BRRRRRRRRTT. BRRRRRRRRTT. CLICK. "Bear claws in honey..."
The code. Right. "Tigger's treehouse is funny."
"Wassup, Jace? I was just about ta--
..."
"Hello? Potts?"
"Yea. Someone's here. Who's aware of my spot?"
"No one except me. But I did get a call from these-"
"SWAT! What the fuck is this?! You're coming with us. Resist and get shot!"
"Jordan. Jordan!" They tortured him while I listened. Sent his head in a box.
His wife and children reported dead days later in a similar plot.
I was responsible. They framed me with the drop.
My gun was on the scene. The ones caught gave my name and got locked.
So I traced lines to get even. Carlos Mendoza. Cartel leader of three men.
Cop hunters and extortion elitists. Abortions to society due to criminal genius.


last line had shit wording.


SWAT tortured and murdered their coworkers?? good end rhymes at the end. but what? I mean I thought they were senior-level SWAT dudes themselves who took the Pure left behind... and Potts got kidnapped... and now Jason is talking to Potts who is now getting tortured... okay i understand but kind of


The war was over Menonnite allegiance and its cover-up.
We got close, they noticed. And now, with me evading the fucking cuffs,
I had to make a move. Good thing Mendoza was a shutter bug.
Instagram gave me all I needed to place some trinkets and call it up.
Then I called him up.
"Hello, cabron."
"Hola, Mendoza. Get ready for your actions to reach closer to home." CLICK.
Some investigative hacking brought me to the palisades. Wife and kids were alone.
In through the back window. Scraped .38, full clip to unload.
"And you did it?!"
Yes. They cried and pleaded, but I am devoid of a soul.
"Mommy, aren't cops supposed to protect us?" KAAK! KAAK! KAAK!
The silencer allowed clean escape, with justice the means to bestow
A judgement upon others in exact exchange for all that they owe.

The code.


I don't think you mean Mennonite lmao.

Mendoza, the cartel leader, is now being sloppy and Jason murdered him and his family. So dude gets revenge on the people who got the hit on his partner and him being a dirty cop is wholly unrelated..

The justice the quote is talking about is not the type that this story is talking about, though? Unless you're saying that Justice is entirely misunderstood by the legal system? I don't think that anybody involved is doing the just thing... in fact,

Anyways... I don't think honor, glory, or dignity were achieved at all, consider dumbfuck Jason Botts was the dude who let his bro get capped because he was busy in Cabo. I mean, justice was SERVED but that doesn't fit with the lesson in the topic, very shallow imo



-------------------------------------------
CLIFFS OF CLIFFS

Vivid, sorry I just really wasn't feeling this. Absurdly confusing and inconsistent- inconsistent in the sense that the plot was not nearly clear enough to make sense of what was going on in a verse with this grand of scope. The conclusion wasn't rewarding and was very matter-of-fact, that made me mad that I just sorted through that convoluted plot. It is very hard to write stories in rhyme format with any brevity, and you just need to refine your craft. When it comes together, it will be excellent because you have the drive.

Quick advice- the theme/ moral/ conclusion to a piece does not have to be the literal end of the story, explicitly stated, or displayed in its entirety... Very often, the most momentous and crucial aspects of stories and verses are merely alluded to or gathered from context.


VOTE: Jonathon Mercy.

oats
05-04-2014, 12:51 AM
Mercy: this had a lot going on, surprisingly. I think your sweeping generalizations worked, despite lacking any sort of support or examples for your assertions. The heavy-handedness of these philosophical musings (which is how I basically took the verse) worked in that way, though. The comparisons/personifications of the characters were very provocative, and easily glossed over due to the smooth rhyming. Honor being a grave robber was great. Despite that, the brevity did have some drawbacks, namely that it came off as a tease, and how they went about murdering Justice was pretty unclear, and unsatisfyingly so (as opposed to the enjoyable lack of clarity in personifying the others). I wonder how much of this was deliberate, and how much was due to time constraints of some sort. Either way, you pulled it off, and it was very dope.


Vivid: I broke a cardinal rule after reading your verse. I read it twice, and still had no idea what was going on. So I wanted to see if it was just me, and I read the other votes before this, which I generally don't do as a rule of thumb, but yeah, I was confused, and I think it was because the action was confusing. I'm not going to talk about the actual writing because it's solid, nothing jumps out at me as concerning. But the action just flashed by so quickly without anything to clearly slow it down and include me in on it. It was like watching highlights of a movie in fast forward. I still read it and was excited about it for some reason, and was able to piece things together in small segments, but overall there was just something missing for me to hold it all together.

Vote: Mercy wasn't stellar, but he definitely delivered a lot of thought-provoking rhymes seamlessly. It was risky, but it paid off because Vivid fell a little too deep down the rabbit hole and I was still waiting at the surface. I just felt left behind by this verse, anchor it down, repeat some things, pause to lay out some feelings/thoughts of the characters more, or even describe the scenery, do something to slow it down a little. Your ideas are great, and possess a cinematic quality to them, just gotta volume it a little better.

patrown
05-04-2014, 01:05 AM
johnathan mercy - although i like the rhymes and undertones in your piece, it was too brief. i couldn't take much from it considering your brevity. wondering why you didnt put forth more?
vividlyvague - really enjoyed these lines in particular..
I was responsible. They framed me with the drop.
My gun was on the scene. The ones caught gave my name and got locked.
So I traced lines to get even. Carlos Mendoza. Cartel leader of three men.
Cop hunters and extortion elitists. Abortions to society due to criminal genius.

i like where you went with this. some cartel shit, combined with true trials and tribulations of some down south heads that didn't end up on the top of the game. although its kinda morbid, and otherwise .. empty, as far as further meaning goes, you did a good job of telling a true to life story. and i appreciate that.

-/vivid - pretty much took it with length, but also produced some truth worth paying attention to.

Wonderbred
05-04-2014, 07:35 PM
Johnathan Mercy I first saw this verse and thought, "This can't be the whole thing." It was obviously quite a bit shorter than would be ideal, but you did a lot in the few lines you had. It was kind of a risky move doing the personification of abstract ideas, but you pulled it off incredibly well. Your flow was pretty much perfect. You fit about as much as you could into 12 lines, and the result was great. I really enjoyed this a lot. Honestly, the only problem with it was its length.
Vividlyvague Solid drop here. It may have just been me, but I felt that it was a little cliche with the cop/special agent recounting his trauma. Still, it was a pretty fresh take, and I liked the chronology. I felt that you did a really good job of sticking to the topic, with the guy choosing to take more punishment than was due--the "just" path. Rhymes were hit or miss, you had some good multis but some of them felt forced and some just missed, but nothing too terrible. You also did a good job of telling a story, even if it was kind of heavy on dialogue.

Overall, you guys had really different styles, but both were pretty good. I really wish JM had expanded on his verse, because what he had was most likely championship material IMO. But I'm giving it to the fuller, more complete verse.

MVGT: Vividlyvague

Vulgar
05-04-2014, 10:26 PM
John Mercy - This was generally good, a droplet of the topic that I might've liked to see formulate into a pool. The representative use of each word as a character from a versatile background was interesting but inconclusive. We're told, but not shown. A thorough example might be OneBeLo's verse on his track Evil of Self. I like your writing but I also enjoy a full plate.

VV - The veracity of the action reminded me of an Ice Cube crime movie in fast forward.. I felt like going more John Grisham with this would've benefited you wholesomely. I somewhat followed and I somewhat didn't. There was high volume event horizons, demanding better info about who this cop actually is and what his motives are. This was forgettable, but daring.

Vote VV.

Frank
05-05-2014, 12:00 AM
Jonathan Mercy

This was a cool vignette. I thought the warped, tightly wrapped wording lended it self to the impact that would follow from a gun shot at a short distance. I'd liken this verse to a one inch punch. It's velocity of verbosity was very well executed. I thought the early personification was cool but, you missed a crucial step by not including the daughter in the personified family. Your use of rapid fire descriptive words later would push the vignette toward a closing line that would bring the shit full circle. Adrenaline spike, b12 shot, whatever you wanna call it. High voltage verse, but I'm not really buzzed anymore......

Vividlyvague

So, this was all over the place. The focal point of dialogue driven writing is admirably distracting. The verse basically cancels itself out. The loop holes and twists and cut ins and and cut outs and twist and turns cancel any meaning or impact the verse may have, out. I can't follow 4-5 characters this haphazardly. I could not tell you what I read about. Some kind of cop soap box sitcom with handle bar mustaches davie Crockett I don't know.

This is a toss between a 12 line verse that could have been 12 lines longer vs a verse that could've been 24 lines shorter.

Voting VividlyVague in a photo finish

Adonis
05-05-2014, 12:05 AM
I enjoyed both of these verses for different reasons. While one was 1/8 the length of the other, the depth was about the same, or if anything the shorter of the two had more depth. The story was cool, but as always with vivid, length over content. There were alsoplentyof errors as such... A shame, made it feel as if you wrote and posted and thought, "His is a throw away and I'll win". Might backfire. Jon had a very interesting idea, while the execution and flow were top notch, the length was merely a haiku. All in all a very dope read though none the less.

Overall this is a rather tough vote. I didn't particularly like the ending of vivid's verse with the CODE and all, but it was decent enough writing. On the other hand, a short handed Jon wrote with depth in a small scale sampling which obviously I appreciate as I try and do the same, saying more with less. Tough vote.

V/Vivid.

I liked Jon's more, but in the end it is the length that got him the win. The errors nearly fucked you, you win by a cunt hair in my vote. Clean it up some

Certain
05-05-2014, 02:07 AM
Vividlyvague: You claim that you need extra lines to do a story justice, but what you really need to do is organize your thoughts better and work on streamlining the narrative. What you had here was a really, really good framework for a story and plenty of interesting diction and rhyming that at times was great. But it all got lost way too often in the clutter. I think the last stanza in particular needed to be sussed out, and the entirety of the verse felt like it wasn't really organized properly. The beginning stanza was completely unnecessary, only setting the narrative framework (which could have been done in four lines or skipped over entirely). But that stanza was probably the best-written thanks to its slower pacing and focus on rhymes. Some of your verses read like sloppy Frank outtakes, this being a shining example. I prefer your more unique flavor, when you go a little less traditional narrative-heavy.

Johnathan Mercy: Everything was the opposite here from Vividlyvague's verse. This was some fantastic, dense writing that both kept me enamored from the beginning and left me wanting more but also feeling complete. I think the strength of that last line was really important for you, as it made the story seem whole in an allegorical sense. There's a lot to be said for the audacity of writing a truly complete 12-line verse that makes me not hold it against you that you went short. Your mechanics were strong, too. Obviously some opponents can write at this level for longer verses, and against them you wouldn't have fared well. But here, I'm a believer in quantity over quality.

Vote: Johnathan Mercy