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View Full Version : Week 11: 13. Adonis (4-6) vs. 14. Cereal_Killa (1-1) \\ Cereal_Killa wins 3-2


Certain
05-05-2014, 03:58 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=69948).


Topic


It's the only thing that's important anymore.


Good luck, Adonis and Cereal_Killa.

Cereal_Killa
05-08-2014, 02:02 AM
Topic: It’s the only thing important any more



Serpentine
..
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/1175594_10203422724756510_8433655752971525771_n.jp g

..
Submerged beneath a masquerade of romance in my silhouettes’ flaws
A Gypsy with turquoise tears from a dans'ѐ macabre through La Petite Mort
Embedded in sweat, organic thoughts and a mosaic carriage of iron ore
Archaic; yet delaying decay curled in a ball, crying out my silent mourn
From two to one
I am a glyptic eclipse
Cut from the sun
My substance is charcoal; spun upon a floorless balcony of self love
My shell dwell’s where it was hung
By my soul as an eternity ring unstrung
..
Amongst the high Alps of Norway through a river of shattered snow
On a mountain crest I remain, within a single cabin of truth n’ limestone
Pillowed by my own internal walls of security; I’m warmed for a winter
Of endless blizzard’s that pulsate like the re-birth of a Variable stars flicker
A wish, A wish; I wish upon
that my snake skin suit was suited more like a cut Satyr as if Spring/Sprung
Through the fields of grass blades and the frozen tears of reality, smeared
I slither with the perfect imbalance of a scenic contrast in faith and fear
My internal organs ache, not of pain but rather the same extracted shame
That though I want to change
I don’t for a fact WANT the change
Feminine by sound n’ by morals, I seek a feast fit for a Duchess or Duke
As I clear beyond the coming hatchlings through the chicken’s coop
I brush past the barbed wire fence, translucent with my bread crate
And contort my thoughts into a question to fit my new found sense of taste
At what point do we believe that a chicken can no longer menstruate
Within that moment of enlightenment; I pause as my blood runs amaranth
Spilling like oil altering in the rain from off a canvas of palanquins
Support beams, upright to lock in dreams of freedom for me to penetrate
Though their post caught me off guard, I still horde enough eggs to embrace
I place the crate on the bench and the eggs inside the pantry
I open the stall; sit as wonder wanders in entrancing
how pure is powder in purity amongst white panties
As the interior tiles get embodied by one subtle sound advancing
My door opens to a male n’ female, blonde to their knock knees
Fresh beyond their age of grace, stung by a rapport in subtleties
Forged from an orchestra of innocence, with a scent to adorn
BLISS falls from their very tongue in defence, a percussion of sorts
I’m pregnant and I need a place to stay from these wild winter storms
It would be my honour
Followed by the truth of my inner thoughts
From one Chicken Hawk’s daughter to another, I am ready for war
With my rosso coursa tints coursing in a shimmer to outline the arch
From off my shoulders peek, in a flutter of curls on my pale contrast
I place my fragile bones in the palm of his child like charm, alight
As the beating heart of his unborn flesh now taps before our eyes
From the porch to the hall, to the calling ice and smoke on the rise
He drops my hand to shadow the footsteps of a young mothers stride
falling short
Broken beneath the progressive growth of momentum, he slides
..
Her will; A motif of emotions sewn by the threads that Othello once clutched
I came to the realization a chicken coop looks prettier when it’s covered in blood
As she takes a breath, by a lake, in the clearing near a stoop of barbed wire
I reach from behind, dragging a sickle from around her abdomen to her vagina
Then back again
I remove her stomach lining with the birthing sack still attached
I extract the fluid; contracting from each sip in each painful splash
Even when I purge, I fuel off the birth, pause and continue my cycle
As the young man so innocent lies, by-standing with her vitals
Ahhhhh

If you don’t appreciate something it will lose its true value
Or the pure volume of its nature shall wither without you

So join me young man
and we can taste the fruits of your labour
..

Adonis
05-09-2014, 03:14 AM
Its the only thing that's important anymore!!


Coliseum style. Man against beast.
Wind kicks dust during the Kings speech.
“This my citizens, The Battle of the Century.
Where both allies and enemy's.
Vie for the right to the crown; to be owned physically.
I, and the winner of this rumble shall dance.
The only thing that matters anymore? The throne and your chance

BEGIN”


Light bursts. Blindingly so.
Vibrant hues confuse the tiger opposed.
Eye's closed. Clipped by a furious blow.
A midget in green brings a perilous show.
Lucky charmed, a Shamrock weathers the strike.
The stunned Tiger stumbles to regain any fight.
He shakes and comes to, his senses arrive.
Just as three brothers mount him to ride.
They try to take advantage, but Tony's too Gr-r-reat
He kicks and bucks as powerful legs send astray.
The first brother tastes dirt, snapping his face.
He lay, motionless, blood splattering mates.
The seconds war-cry is spattered in hate.
He grabs the beasts throat with might he can muster.
Tony picks up speed just to stop, his speed easily flusters.
The tossed brothers back crashes in a crackling thud.
The third is no match as Tony grasps his head in the mud.
Pop's his skull into mouth, a mere morsel of food.
The crowds roar moves the dirt from him holstering doom.
Amped up. Tony caters to fans...
BAM!
A blonde headed kid grips a bat in his hands.
His power is great as Tony's balance is braced.
Just then, the wee Irishmen uncovers what's draped.
A pot of gold, Fred and Barney both are exposed.
Eye's wide as can be, but never saw the swarming young bee.
Bam-Bam watches in awe, seeking revenge or he thinks.
But once you taste Honey's sweet nectar...No kid can resist.
The distraction is enough for Tony to shatter his wrist.
Pip-Pip Cheerio!
The least of the foes comes stumbling out.
A tricky rabbit begins running his mouth.
“I'm not silly, in fact” Both ears snatched in disgust.
A soaring Toucan lifts him above.
The Rabbit plummets to death, instantly liquified.
Count Chocula distracted by the bloodiest sight.
Forgets the war for a second...Life is done.
The Apple of his eye, jacked, by a Captains gun.
The Bee, stinger-less, is devoured in haste.
Just then the Toucan nose dives to the base.
The Tiger reacts, Sam's eaten whole.
As the Leprechaun's caught admiring gold.
The Captain attacks...All that remain, the final two.
Tony growls for the people...
The Captain once very peaceful.
Can taste victory with the gun in his hand.
The Tiger's filled finally, the musket is ham.


The original King Quaker. Set to square off vs. the Captain.
But the masses cheer the Crunch...
Quaker's old Fashion!




.

zygote
05-09-2014, 07:44 PM
The homophone pun at the end made for a good comment, with the fruits of your labor phrase pointing to both work and childbirth. Don't really understand how a story about a snake is a encapsulated response, but the stimulus is pretty ambiguous, so it perhaps connects tangentially. Didn't really enjoy all the poetic ways of writing things (E.g., palanquins + amaranth) direct and accurate is personally preferential, but you did have a strong command of language here. The story was also consistent, good progression, nice stylistic maturity. It compares well with the other submission. It is like a parody of a parody. Cereal killer already spelled the name as "Cereal." In terms of writing you brought a lot of energy and some light humor which is always nice, but it seems like it's misdirected onto something that isn't that good of a concept to begin with. Satire is good until it becomes bigger than the joke itself and relies too heavily on the thing it is commenting about. Your effort feels like something that doesn't stand well enough on it's own. Perhaps, if the language was extremely great it would be enough, but it's just the one central joke and it feels a bit one-dimensional. Voting for CK.

timeless
05-11-2014, 07:25 PM
CK, your opening was dope, particularly the first 4 lines. Halfway through got annoyed by the big font, hard to keep a flow. Your multis were simplistic for the most part, a few lines were dope though. Your story was hard to get going, thought it could be more effective if it was about half the lengh.

A, Your flow was on point this week, a smooth, great read. you seem to be on a roll with these underlying gimmicks in your verses. I did enjoy this a lot though. Could work out great for a kids story, and I mean that with the best intentions. Not a bad read, one of the better pieces I’ve read from you.

v. Adonis for the more enjoyable read. Had CK been less descriptive it would’ve been a toss up. Good battle.

Zombie
05-11-2014, 11:15 PM
Adonis almost writes in haiku which is particularly neat. Cereal delivered a overly poetic prose that overwhelmed the topic. Both delivered intensely. Derivatives compounded. This is a very intriguing head-to-head. Adonis seems to be experimenting in the past few weeks which is commendable. But Cereal came with a crafted verse more to my liking. Voting for Cereal_killa.

Certain
05-12-2014, 02:52 AM
Cereal_Killa: Your diction manages to be both your best friend and worst enemy. It sets you apart from anyone else, the endlessly obtuse poetry that you ride on without hesitation. But it also leaves the readers occasionally straining to make sense of your words, particularly in attaching any real-world value to the stories you're telling. There's no denying this verse was beautiful, but the disconnects made it so that it would be very difficult for anyone to tell exactly what it's about. Some of that can be chalked up to art for art's sake, but in a league with assigned topics, there comes the issue of relating to those topics. So what was "the only thing"? The second and third reads shed light on that: I believe what you were going for was the fragility of new life and the passing of lineage. I'm not sure you told a story about a snake at all but rather about the brokenness of losing a child and how it blindsides us. I do wish there was more clarity to justify my thought, but I did enjoy this verse because of the unique stylings, even as they perhaps distracted from it's core.

Adonis: You executed your gimmick much better this week, thanks largely to your clean writing in the more action-heavy parts. You had a clearer narrative, and that was evident and kept your verse more focused even as you threw in all sorts of distractions. The bigger issue is that this verse read not as a parody (because of a lack of poignancy toward world events) but as a comedy, and it definitely wasn't funny. What I liked and what will earn you my vote is that you took the topic head on and let the absurdism of your scenario speak for itself. You never bothered to tell us what they were fighting for because it didn't matter. Still, this verse does not reflect the quality of submissions you showed earlier in the season.

Vote: Adonis

Frank
05-12-2014, 03:06 AM
In a nutshell

Voting Cereal Killer for the more enveloping, encompassing, encapsulating verse. A grander version of Adonis, C.K words were less tailored but more engrossing.