Slave and Master

[Nigma]

Slave and Master

http://www.clas.ufl.edu/users/dgeggus/image004.jpg


We are Prisoners of War and they creating the violence...

With crazy minds, lately separation of the good and great is kind of shaken
Courageous tyrants find their way within life, by the flames of the righteous
Raging fire, haven of crime is flying up way in the sky and as grimy as ravens
They tainting the light of the day into night, change to deranged in a glimpse,
In the shake of an eyelid, shaving shapes as they shine in the situation
Making vacancy in the wake of a life aided and defined by the inspirational
The angel inside us is paying the price for placing it's faith into science
Creators meet clients with aces in hiding, fake as disguises they raising up skyward
We're shaking and cant even gaze in their eyes, faceless guile we've made into giants
Shade us until we are basically blind, breaking on sight like a stake through an iris

They're tailing behind us, colliding with nations, the fights serve as fatal reminders
Inspiring chaos inscribed in their cranial drives
Then we're taking their rights; though their faces are right there they gave us a smile
Chem trails laced in the sky, plainly in sight and fluorides plaguing their pipes
The showers spraying chemicals in their faces that will cake in the sinus
It stays in the brain, it's re-shaping their minds
We are breaking them quietly, making them wise till their fate is compliant
Then taking the bravest to fight wars which we wage world wide
Most are slain at the line or they take their own lives
Only the greatest survive, mass grave of the failures displayed in the skies

They die Casualties of War, their bodies draping behind us...

[Objective]

Thought this was pretty dope for the most part. Definately enjoyed the imagery etc. However, I didn't like this;

In the shake of an eyelid, shaving shapes as they shine in the situation
Making vacancy in the wake of a life aided and defined by the inspirational
^What happened with the rhymescheme/second sentence? The end of it seemed rather rushed compared to the rest. The wird ''inspirational'' doesn't seem to connect with anything either. Was it supposed to say; ''defined by inspiration'', perhaps? I don't know, but it didn't work for me. Beside of that shit's dope.

Second verse is just as cool as well but I also feel it also got a couple of hiccups in terms of the rhymescheme, or lack thereof. The word ''sinus'' didn't connect with anything well enough and the same goes for compliant. If there had been a transition to the next line rhyming with ''compliant'' early in the next sentence like you've done other place in your verse it could have worked well, but I didn't think it that here. Otherwise this is some pretty dope shit and the rhymescheme/flow is mostly on point. Keep it up.

[Nigma]

It definitely was suppose to say "defined by the inspiration" as opposed to 'inspirational', still not quite the syllable count that you'd prefer but its best suited to how I want it to sound :) Appreciate the critique and will take your points into consideration!