Round one: Mike Wrecka vs. Witty [Witty Wins 5-3]

[Adonis]

THERE WILL BE ZERO NO SHOWS...So if you do write a ten line no show verse live with the loss when a random alternate comes in and beats you..FY motherfucking I!!

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 6/8 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 6/9 at 11:59 PST.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week. I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote.

While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other.
There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING.

Voting ends TUESDAY 6/11 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.


NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: Incoming...

http://coolvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Chaos-Melody-992x609.jpg



Good luck to both participants Mike Wrecka Witty

[Witty]

Botw.

Sup bro.

[Mike Wrecka]

sup

check

[Witty]

gonna need an ext if its cool.

[Mike Wrecka]

its cool dude. I went 38. gl

[Mike Wrecka]

http://coolvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Chaos-Melody-992x609.jpg


one of the last pockets of civilization, isolated alone,
from the rubble of a lost empire, they created a home/
elders try to remember the past, others contemplate the unknown,
looking at former cultures with contempt, while celebrating their own/
they are able to build buildings, without raising a stone,
using debris that washed ashore from the dangerous zone/
this city is like an organism, it has basically grown,
out of necessity, the recipe, has abrasively shown/
that the opulence of society, left it excessively prone,
to come crumbling down, so those left, aggressively comb/
the beaches, cause everything they need is in the sea,
fully harmonious with the ocean, conducting symphonies/
with hydroponic harvests erupting instantly,
fishing with nothing but spears , hunting visually/
with a thirst for balance, so after conquering water and land,
they started an aeronautics program, that's part of plan/
to expand, towards the horizon, seeking, searching,
trying to unlock all mysteries, through teaching, learning/
they take care of each other, so while the weak are hurting,
everyone helps out, in a community, each is deserving/
the way of life, after things broke is completely working,
but there is a phantom menace, that's discreetly lurking/
all the exploration, has caught the jealous eyes of others,
scouts from another village, have seen, discovered /
the prosperity, so they have a scheme to plunder,
and take everything, because they are suffering from hunger/
so blades are sharpened, armor is applied,
chanting warriors scream, let the farmers die!/
word gets back to the people, they feel calm inside,
they have a bigger population, to push on, survive/
raise an army of their own, the enemy will be here soon,
plan to defend by launching harpoons from hot air balloons/
and use pontoons, carrying soldier, getting past that will be hard,
but as they hear an explosion, they are all caught off guard/
someone with a bomb, snuck past, swimming beneath,
the city comes crumbling down as history repeats/
each side has a small number of survivors, about fifty each,
that eventually wash ashore with some debris on a distant beach/
they are one of the last pockets of civilization, isolated alone,
from the rubble of a lost empire, they will create a home/

[Witty]

The Post-Apocolyptic Struggle

Disaster is the taste of the day, the world's wasting away
Corpses lay faceless, decayed...just the vultures and ravens remain
The hunters lay claim to their reign, sculptors of a frameless domain
Noone short of Satan could be saved from the flames
Demons soar with ease above the stormy seas
Immortal beasts here to torture, contort and freeze
Earth's core until she lays dormant ever more...deceased.

Our home lays convulsing in agony as a result of this travesty
Her exultance and majesty destroyed amongst the brutality
But deep in her soul something is happening
There's a force tunneling, travelling
Night has the right of way, but she fights for the light of day
And though most of her kids died, one tribe kept the knife at bay
Each and every night they fight to keep the fright contained
A heavy price to pay for survival where the Lions prey
They're Earth's last roll of the dice...Her final play

The angry clouds in the gray sky gather over the village
Spillage of blood overflows on the roads, a sobering image
But the soldiers fight to the death hoping the demons will leave
Men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe
They struggle because humanity failed, we lost connection
Tossed perfection aside, betrayed the earth and caused infection
We sought direction, tried to better life but just made it worse
We stripped it naked and raped it, then made it cursed
She lost the will to live, so then the demons invaded
Leaving her beaten, degraded...weeping, deflated
She asks for peace when she prays...
Or to at least be sedated
An Aboriginal tribe the only kid by her side, refusing to quit
Denying Lucifer's pit, determined not to loosen their grip
As demons close in, their might increases and grows
The people try to resist, but they're weak and exposed
Humanity weeps as the scarlet sky glows deep as a rose
Demons impose upon the last remaining men, castigating them
Raining disaster, rabid hate and laugh as they condemn
The beaten warriors fall to the ground, and pray to her soul
Tears create nutrition to awaken her, making her whole
As man and Earth reunite to fight the demons and beasts
The glow courses through the soldiers, as evil retreats
Blue skies break free, the gloom dies in the day's glee
Her smile is great, she's eating and breathing at last
She was always there to help us, we just needed to ask
It only took a tear, and now the World's First War's won
And man can finally reclaim the role of Earth's first born Son.

[Nigma]

Sweet Alaskan asparagus tips, this was a delicious read by both of you gentlemen. Welcome to the playoffs.

Mike, that's the best verse I think I've ever read from you. Flow was sound, exception interpretation of the photo curved into a balanced and reoccurring explanation of the rise and fall of cities, nations, civilizations, and to some extent, worlds. This was sound, and progressing through a well thought out story where, at a certain point, a freeze frame shot of the topic pic was painted into the readers head. For whatever reason, this bar stuck with me "to expand, towards the horizon, seeking, searching,
trying to unlock all mysteries, through teaching, learning/"

Witty, the aptly worded and very visual second stanza really stood out to me.
"Night has the right of way, but she fights for the light of day
And though most of her kids died, one tribe kept the knife at bay
Each and every night they fight to keep the fright contained"
This was a beautiful display of writing my friend. The consonance in the bolded section was a perfect garnish here. The second bolded line especially, you had two separate consonant repetitions going while maintaining your rhyme scheme, that was dopeeeeeee. That was my favourite section in this, a similar type concept as your opponent but you focused a little more heavily in the negative aspect. Very solid drop with many quotables.

The Prognosis, Witty, your verse was a very vivid, well worded, smooth read with many high level literary displays. I felt your rhyme scheme was on another level then your opponents, I would also presume that you did very well in English class with your obvious understanding of literary devices and how to effectively use them. What I didn't like about your verse, or what I felt could have been improved on, especially in comparison with your opponents verse here, is that you seemed to only really focus on two main points. Your level of in depth description on the rise and the fall and fall was very enjoyable, however I felt Mikes approach was stronger here. Loved the verse Mike. I felt your description of the rise and fall, the extended metaphor of that village with all villages, the debris being the ruins of a failed societies, just the way you transitioned everything together was phenomenal. As mentioned, I did feel your opponent was a level higher then you in terms of rhyme complexity, however you made up for it with a verse that drew me in more, and left me with a greater wow-effect. Good read from both!

+1 Mike

[Coup]

MW- I notice a lot of strong masculine rhymes dominate this piece, giving it a pronounced, almost a lashing flow, as if one were reading a poetry piece...though this was more story driven than poetic in it's delivery. This whole piece read effortlessly and really did not have to read twice, though I did.

I did see some inner rhyme, but by and large the mechanics in this were pretty linear and one dimensional, giving that poetry read feel. I could not say this would sound hot on the mic because of these factors. Overall the mechanics were a bit lacking, but kinda made up for it in ease of writing/read and with the stuttering cadence by means of strong rhymes mostly at the end of each line.

This was an Orwellian tale of sorts, where some recent world event toppled and reduced the new world to a post apocalypse free for all. It is here we see a rebirth only for this short lived comfort to fall victim to a theme of history repeating itself...like a predator hunting prey, the newly established world crumbles to the more hungry, in turn creating their own fall out safety on the wave of more war over the limited materials. Yet again, life is endangered.

While I think you captured this well, I felt you gave jsut enough bare bone necessities to pick this out and left more to be desired. To me this serves as a abstract or a synopsis to a more thought out and a more dynamic tale, incorporating and expounding on what really happened. We did not get to meet anyone or get to see situational actions thus making a connection with a reader somewhat distant as we just observed from a mile away. This is the feeling I left with after two reads.

The strong point here is the ease of narrative and a fluid writing system to deliver the themes you wanted to give us. Props on that homie.



Witty-

In a contrasts of sorts to MW's piece, you had a more robost rhyme mechanic scheme going on, and I felt that instantly in the opening stanza. Good use of alliteration, exaggeration, internal rhyme and pacing with a myrid of different rhymes: feminine, masculine, multi's and slant. A well thought out opening to set up and give us just what we need to establish context, space and purpose.

I liked how you gave earth personification as if "she" was a person, and the humans her offspring or first born to deal with the threat. In this story, the fallen angels. A fitting plot to the picture, giving a representation of a dark moody and turbulent world on the brink. It was anyone's game or victory and the foreshadowing was put to good use with the somber imaging you gave us.

With that said, I think you could have gave us an outsider looking in type of character so we could bounce the knowledge we learned against while reading this. A sort of measuring stick whom has to learn as we do and see how he deals in this world oyu created. This could have added nice layering and literary deceives that may have impacted this piece inside out.

Good look on this.


A good first rounder

1+ Witty

[Adonis]

Mike - So i loved the use of the topic. I mean you literally created a story from the photo and with good execution. One part I didn't like...

this city is like an organism, it has basically grown,
out of necessity, the recipe, has abrasively shown/
that the opulence of society, left it excessively prone,
to come crumbling down, so those left, aggressively comb/
the beaches, cause everything they need is in the sea,

The flow in the entire verse was good, but this section most notably, took me for a ride in a not so good way. There is just too many breaks in sentences spaced throughout multiple bars. I've never been a fan of this, but you did it quite a bit in this section, and again later on in the verse. It's disruptive for flow IMO because I'm reading the word 'Comb', I literally went and Googled it because it didn't make sense. Re-read, still didn't get it. Then after about 5 minutes in all, I proceeded on with the verse to realize it was a incomplete sentence, and the rest of the sentence was in the next line. Anyways, I thought the story it self was cool. You went very vivid and descriptive as far as the topic goes, and at the same time kept up on a story and basically just incorporated everything extremely well. Honestly, the quoted part is my only issue, everything else I enjoyed. Although I will say I feel like this was not your potential, I've seen you drop exponentially better, but this was decent.

Witty - I read your title so far, and I'm pumped. So you already have high expectations my friend, just saying. Damn...did not disappoint. The flow in this entire piece was smooth as scrotum before I go on Friday night..yaddimean? The story as a whole was intense, I think you packed quite a bit into what? 40 some lines? You went from a war, to emotional, to death then victory. You literally played a complete movie in my mind in a span of a few minutes. The imagery was on some other level as well, the 'rose' colored sky, the death in general...this...

this city is like an organism, it has basically grown,
out of necessity, the recipe, has abrasively shown/
that the opulence of society, left it excessively prone,
to come crumbling down, so those left, aggressively comb/
the beaches, cause everything they need is in the sea,

This alone gave the verse meaning, you didn't just have a story, you explained why shit was happening. Then add the amazing line IMO 'Give breathe to breathe free' and you simply out did yourself.

Vote - Witty

So I knew coming in this would be pretty close because your styles are very similar. But IMO Witty was better marginally in every criteria I look for when voting. I think Witty took his time writing this, thought of where he was going to go, then executed extremely well with a goal in mind. I think if I could vote for verse of the year again, I would easily consider this, and it might win as far as my vote goes.

[IamBenT]

Great battle between two legit heavy weights, great to see a Witty verse after soo long.

Quotes

Mike:

Whole intro read smooth, was a great beginning, and so superbly written.

that's part of plan/
to expand, towards the horizon, seeking, searching,
- lack of an article between of and plan threw me but i get it

Your scheme through most of this is so impeccable, even in places where
it seems it will fall off, you have internals to hold it up without too much forcing,
this is an enviable verse bro

word gets back to the people, they feel calm inside,
they have a bigger population, to push on, survive/
raise an army of their own, the enemy will be here soon,
plan to defend by launching harpoons from hot air balloons/

-love the attention to detail and the effortless imagery and rhyme coalescing to form the tragedy that
hits its high note at the end, and the cyclical destruction that had them surviving in the first place.


------------------------------------------

Witty:

Demons soar with ease above the stormy seas
Immortal beasts here to torture, contort and freeze
Earth's core until she lays dormant ever more...deceased

- So cool and fun to read, reminds me a bit of Nigma with the wicked trademark flow

Your story progression is tried and true, a veteran touch thats unmistakable, and you build this all
with great details very nicely

The people try to resist, but they're weak and exposed
Humanity weeps as the scarlet sky glows deep as a rose
- getting a bit vague here, would have liked a more specific zeroing in, simile was cool but could have been made stronger?? maybe

I went back and forth with this one. Although I felt that Witty showed amazing technical prowess and told a solid tale, he could have been strengthened by using a bit more specific and active language. Mike's story, although it lacked some of the flash in Witty's verse, was a strong display of classic storytelling in a fantastic environment with a resonating moral, and verses like that strike me a bit stronger.

Vote -MikeWrecka

Great battle, fellows.

[zygote]

Enjoyed Witty's environmental aspects and themes contrasting with the grey-scale of the image stimulus. MikeWrecka had a great representation of the strange technological aspects of the picture and the musical instruments in the picture. E.g., " fully harmonious with the ocean, conducting symphonies/
with hydroponic harvests erupting instantly," - nice side-references to musical things without them being the focus of the writing itself, your subtle things like that and deft symbolism was great. Witty also had powerful writing designed for emotional response, e.g., " Tossed perfection aside, betrayed the earth and caused infection" strong writing and keeping with your recurring themes of desolation. A difficult contest to judge, slightly voting for MikeWrecka.

[Adonis]

3-2 Mike

As its playoffs all battles should be closed with no less then 2 vote differential...*I hope*

[Frank]

Mike wrecka --started off very solid IMO -- I wish you would've continued the rhyme scheme instead of dropping it and going a simpler route. If you're going to rhyme couplets make sure they transition in a balanced time setting -- here I thought the rhyme was a little keyish towards the latter end. This verse reminded me of a earlier genocide verse where he just described the picture -- flat out -- not a fan of those approaches. Metaphor -- moral -- something to go beyond the picture is what I typically enjoy as a reader. This verse started off raw then got lazy -- if your capable of rhyming couplets -- rhyming 2 to 4 bars at a time starts looking like newb shit.

Witty --This verse was smoothly written -- cadence never waivered --I envisioned the picture you had conveyed through your interpretation. Where Mike I felt like I needed to scroll up to get the line -- almost like a picture book. Detective-like writing. I think Witty captured the theme of the picture better, where Mike described it to a T better.

I enjoyed Witty's verse much more -- Vote goes to witty

[Split]

Had Witty winning, details later

[Soulstice]

wittys story was much more engrossing. both took similiar approaches to the postapocalyptic-inspiring photo but wittys story had a more original endgame in my opinion. technically, both had strong rhymes and flow but i also think witty took that too. overall i enjoyed wittys more due to the imagery and story being a bit stronger than wreckas

v- witty
sorry for the shitty vote but i have no time

[Adonis]

3-4 witty elevate

[patrown]

mike wrecka- enjoyed these lines, in particular.

to expand, towards the horizon, seeking, searching,
trying to unlock all mysteries, through teaching, learning/
they take care of each other, so while the weak are hurting,
everyone helps out, in a community, each is deserving/

i like the positive tone you used for this piece, opposite of what i expected tbh. even with the war and destruction of man, the focus on our strengths as humans, expecially focused on in that quote.. gave the entire piece a warm tone. kinda heartwarming. no homo.
"..launching harpoons from hot air balloons" was picturesque too.
as far as what i was left wanting, was some development of the aeonautics program. just because i particularly enjoy the subject in relation to your main theme. but leaving one wanting is never a bad thing when a story's fully developed. i enjoyed the rhymes, definitely some creative word choices throughout. maybe, matching up some beginning word sounds between lines could have helped change the scheme up a little bit. not that it wasn't good, but some assonance earlier on peppered throughout would have made the decision easier for me today. overall i was impressed by how effective you were sticking with the same tone and going different ways for an enjoyable story. nice piece.

witty - while reading through.. these two lines really stuck out to me man. amazing.

But the soldiers fight to the death hoping the demons will leave
Men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe

wow. well, i'm going to cut it short cuz i'm running out of time. but to put it simply, this was a fantastically powerful piece. the subject matter alone would be hard to contend with. excellent story line, but the rhyme's really brought it home. i'd start quoting but the entire piece is quotable. i'm fairly impressed. my favorite from you so far.

/v - witty. i was a little more taken with the story, and his hard hitting rhymes clenched it imo. both were definitely enjoyable pieces. hard decision.

[Adonis]

5-3 Witty Advances