Round one: Patrown vs. DeadMan [dead man advances 6-1]

[Adonis]

THERE WILL BE ZERO NO SHOWS...So if you do write a ten line no show verse live with the loss when a random alternate comes in and beats you..FY motherfucking I!!

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 6/8 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 6/9 at 11:59 PST.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week. I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote.

While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other.
There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING.

Voting ends TUESDAY 6/11 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.


NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: Incoming...

http://i42.tinypic.com/ingw47.jpg



Good luck to both participants patrown dead man

[patrown]

Good luck, and may the best man win.

[dead man]

sure nuff..

[patrown]

extend?

[dead man]

deal

see you sunday

[dead man]

yo -

espionage. ready or not, i'm destined to drop
mental facade was our intention. but the weapons were stocked
lessons were taught. all propaganda, pay attention and watch
how a thought becomes a monster from electrical shock
into physical death. primitive tendencies developing clots
leaking blood into the intersect of Western and Bloc
it's a game of thrones, ally versus enemy shots
Stalinistic viewpoints of a Leninist plot
ready or not, espionage, waiting for what wouldn't arrive
i'm a ticket back home away from looking alive
information turned golden, flareguns cushioned our skies
naked lies. iron shower curtain pulled to the side
viewing Americana bulging behind the lens of Bolshevik's eyes
strategic mind-fuck as propulsion towards an ultimate prize
not a pistol was drawn. still i had chosen a side
Czech borderlands were frozen in time. open your mind,
realize, i am scared as any rational person
sinking towards his final moment, passive immersion
in acceptance, God ascendance, life's a casted commercial
advertising false production like a practice rehearsal
imagine a world where people are their actions, contained
and not a matter of lineage or capital gains.
protected from gas. but there's no masking the pain
conflict is progress hinging on adaption to change
nucleic magnet exchange, damage potential fulfilled
psychometric measurements. we've tested their skills
now it's finally incoming. it wasn't our intention to kill
i'm writing just to talk. i never left them a will

let it drop.

i've been undercover 70 days,
sweating til the coldness breaks and catches ablaze..








only YOU can prevent soviet espionage.






- DEAD MAN

[patrown]

missed some days
slipping deeper into the depths of consciousness
donning armor of silence in response to threat
parched and unable to sweat, forgetting the truth
only keeps the man busy typing the news
we breathe in deep, allowing pupil's to focus
choking on our own fumes, flesh eaten by locusts
after the masks worn so long
it's a part of your face
taking away your sole along with the day
as the sun sets into a sky turning red
the blackest of hearts return from the dead
humming a lullaby to a child you'll never have
watching the life inside die along with the past
life's melancholy lyrics are wrote with one hand
sweeping away tracks God leaves in the sand

[zygote]

Patrown's underwrite makes it difficult to judge unbiasedly. Deadman's content was much more fleshed out and had interesting underlying themes present. While Patrowns last line was quite poetic "life's melancholy lyrics are wrote with one hand, sweeping away tracks God leaves in the sand" it felt too focused on being stylistic and not substantive enough. Voted for Deadman.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok cool battle. you guys both really took a dope take on the topic imo.

deadman - ya this was a monster of a verse. I think when you write like this, tbh no one is capable of defeating you. the structure and flow were amazing. when I read verses I hear them in my head, and this sounded incredible. and the content was really stellar. got inside the mind of a spy and had all the elements anyone could ask for. best verse you have dropped in this league thus far if you ask me.

patrown- you came way too short. not sure if you just didn't have the opportunity to write more or you thought dead wasn't showing. either way this verse wasn't fleshed out enough to compete. you had some really nice lines in there though,

we breathe in deep, allowing pupil's to focus
choking on our own fumes, flesh eaten by locusts

I liked that. just needed to write more. either way you ran into a monster so that's a tough break.


vote- deadman

good battle guys. thank you for the reads.

[Coup]

dead woman-

I really enjoyed the sharp cadence of this, enough to even quote it:

espionage. ready or not, i'm destined to drop
mental facade was our intention. but the weapons were stocked
lessons were taught. all propaganda, pay attention and watch
how a thought becomes a monster from electrical shock
into physical death. primitive tendencies developing clots
leaking blood into the intersect of Western and Bloc
it's a game of thrones, ally versus enemy shots
Stalinistic viewpoints of a Leninist plot

I wished you would have included some syllable sounds of "espionage" into this body of flow, but that's a moot point. But you went to the weak side with "drop". call me butt hurt over this, IDK.

Loved how Leninist plot rolled off the tongue...I notice the sustained use of the "drop' sound through out this body. PROPS big boy. Some good alteration through out with the "op" sounds and the general use of OOO. na mean ? good.

I felt after this body of flow you could have used paragraphs pretty effectively, considering you use a clever repeat theme of "ready or not" to start another idea....remember this next time because a general reader will notice and appropriate it more by picking up on it more easily. Call me doctor, ok ?

All in all I was taken to school on a soild, I mean soild flow peice. Nice presentation of ideas that found a way to rhyme robustly without being obvious rhyme requirement filler. Nice drop dude. Nice.



Pat-

I seems what is blocking you from elevating and rounding off that potential you got is your inability to commit to something. you always seem to miss or come up short of what you really can do due to some type of real life situation that puts you back, and it reflects in your work, cos it is always seemingly incomplete, rushed or just in time of a dead line...you have to commit to your craft and give it your all, and or just don't play games. I say this as a friend of yours.

I read deadman first and voted before I read yours and voted. I was thinking, wow pat is finished, no way can he top this flow scheme. I was surprised really..

Now with that said I will look at your work here unbiased considering what I just said.

slipping deeper into the depths of consciousness
donning armor of silence in response to threat

^This is what I mean. This is raw and hard son. You kill it with these lines, a smart dexterity with fresh mechanics, on par and surpassing your opponents in a lot of respects. BIG PROPS.


we breathe in deep, allowing pupil's to focus
choking on our own fumes, flesh eaten by locusts

^Hats off to you sir.


taking away your sole along with the day
as the sun sets into a sky turning red
the blackest of hearts return from the dead
humming a lullaby to a child you'll never have
watching the life inside die along with the past
life's melancholy lyrics are wrote with one hand
sweeping away tracks God leaves in the sand

Beautiful man.

You gave a lot of heart in a few lines, almost no waste and such a poetry and relentless deliver. You spoke with authority and the little details were meaningful in this leaving me tearful for the guy typing, your character and his loathing, but his deep insights. A piece of you in this.


//

I interpret Patrowns work to hit harder, be more heartfelt and meaningful with some raw emotion with a purpose here, vs Deadman's ace of three spades coming large but a bit distant for me. Patrown used his picture more giving a more cunning representation, while Dead added more relevant references that were obvious but great. I think the lack of references in Pat's made it stand on its own, giving it a timeless quality to it because of that..

This is a very good battle.


1+Pat

[Adonis]

2-1 Deadman up
Coup with votes like this I hope you vote more often. Good shit bro.

[Adonis]

Dead - So this verse was pretty deep. There was a ton of detail in the writing, a bunch of shit I can just Google and enjoy, basically a verse jam packed with ideas. The flow was dope, I can't remember a single time in either read where I had to back track, or even thought it wasn't good enough to quote. But...the downside of the entire verse was it's abruptness. Although it's a bit of catch 22 here, because if it kept going it would have been long and drawn out, yet it ended too quick. I guess I would have preferred there to be more of meaning behind it all, why is he bombing US, when something to explain a bit more. I know you touched on these a bit, but not enough in my mind. All in all though I'm nit picking, I thought this was a dope verse, and you hit the topic with top notch flow and still did this while incorporating many ideas into the verse/image you painted. Good shit.

Pat - "Where's the BEEF?!" Very old commercial, before mine, and probably all of our time. So, this verse was good for what it was. A short, to the point, rather visual for only having like half the line requirement or so it seems, but honestly it was written well.


Vote - Dead

This was not very close in my eyes, but it is "what could have been". I think Patrown had a nice direction, but didn't have the time. I hope you finish that verse, because that's the beginning of something rather dope.

[Objective]

Dead Man: Dope drop as usual. Enjoyed the read from start to finnish. Rhymescheme was on point, the flow was also easy to follow yet intricate enough to be interesting as a stand-alone thing apart from the topic, your descriptions was tight. The content matter was cool and onpoint with a fluent enough storytelling but I'd like some reference to why he was using the gasmask tho', but that's nitpicking. Solid showing.

Patrown: Short verse. Still dope and on-topic. Enjoyed the fact that you used the gasmask in it. I can tell the writing is really great but I would have enjoyed it been better if it was longer. Content matter was dope af and everything was on point.

Vote: Patrowns verse is really great, but seeing how DM managed to stay consistent for a much longer time and had some really dope lines in there as well he's getting my vote without thinking twice. However, I did read through both verses twice and came to the same conclusion; Dead Man gets my vote.

[IamBenT]

Great battle guys, love to read both of these writers.

Quotes...

Dead:

how a thought becomes a monster from electrical shock

- That was a great visual and a great way to bring us into the verse with the scheme,
didn't really like or get the "destined to drop", made it sound like a flex?

viewing Americana bulging behind the lens of Bolshevik's eyes
- great comparison here, funny and powerful

advertising false production like a practice rehearsal
- lIne was just hot fire here, loved that

Great ending, full of suspense all the way through, great unique voice, the character comes to life
and we are left getting a fascinating glimpse.


------------------------------------------

Patrown:

we breathe in deep, allowing pupil's to focus
choking on our own fumes, flesh eaten by locusts
after the masks worn so long
it's a part of your face
taking away your sole along with the day

- strong imagery, great rhyme, the way you turn a phrase is so unique and shows
a real poet at work

life's melancholy lyrics are wrote with one hand
sweeping away tracks God leaves in the sand
- This image really was strong and a great way to end the verse

Lengthis a real issue for me in this, because Dead really went in with depth, metaphor, symbols, and a stronger sense of story

This battle is tough, because although Dead had a great sense of character, driving suspense, wonderful vocab and images, and strong rhyme, Patrown showed considerable skill in crafting a well written poem that related tightly to the topic and used great imagery. I love poetry, but i love great lyrics even more.

Vote -dead man

[Nigma]

patrown - very peaceful read, however it was incredibly short, especially considering an ext was given. It's hard to get engaged in piece so short. I really enjoyed the tone in the ending though.

deadman - smooth read, so much substance, wasnt disappointed with this verse. the stalin/lennin line stood out to me.

+1 deadman - in fairly one sided victory imo

[Adonis]

6-1

dead stays alive