PDA

View Full Version : Week 13: 5. Adonis (5-7) vs. 6. Vulgar (5-3) \\ Adonis wins 4-1


Certain
05-19-2014, 03:37 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=72720).


Topic


The Asphalt Jungle


Good luck, Adonis and Vulgar.

Adonis
05-23-2014, 09:41 PM
.



Rising sun. Yellow and Orange hues caressing horizon.
Morning dew dejected, suppressive yet livened.
Droplets get siphoned, each leaf drinking excitement.
Broken soil, stems sprouting up; ethereally heightened.
The greenest sea, vegetation basking in rays.
Morning warmth gradually masking the shade.
Low heat will soon swelter away.
Soil tilled by youths where shelter is the currency paid.
Young hands calloused over. Children at play.
Bubbles burst, only they're blisters coarsely made.
Blue collard, Yellow buses and pencils replaced with...
Working Enslavement
Two Twelve hour shifts, congruent, adjacent.
Leafs tended and cared for with pure effervescence.
I'm mature now, fully ripened. Goodbye adolescence.



Chemical bubble bath, acidity washing me clean.
Lemons and Limes stripping my leafs compassionately.
Draped across parchment, the kennel is sealed.
Heat distills water, a flaky powders revealed.
Pure. Whiter than any snow god can create.
Compressed in a ball. Shipped off in a crate.
Engine roars. Propellers twirling away.
A nauseous pilot is overly cautious today.
If he losses me; his family will solemnly pay.
Destination. Pacific Ocean.
Watered down for profiteers sake.



I'm home now, a Yankee in the Land of the Free.
A global commodity, but here, a much stronger affinity.
Your loves unconditional, you even bathe me with solvents.
Making me crystal-like, I'm beautifully hardened.
Or how you warm me with flame, giving me soda to taste.
Just as we bond, making a gelatin paste.
You tickle me. Poke my nectar with haste.
Injecting our love in your arm that is taped.
Or maybe you love me just as I come.
Strippers too. And I'm good, your nose shouldn't run.



From a Jungle covered by my family tree.
To this Wasteland selling my being.
On the asphalted ghetto corners.
I'm devoured...
Casually





.

Vulgar
05-24-2014, 01:49 AM
Trismestigus will tell you all - just ask politely
The 14 sabbaths of Lemurian civilization to render raptures nightly
These gastric pipe sheathes endear the rubble
Prenuptial Eden love-boats exit at the region's gun show
In New Orleans they feast on gumbo; nuke regimes by day
Knowing early birds get the brunt of things, becoming evening prey
Does the city even age? asks the monk's town scribe
An isolationist warmonging peacekeeper who sleeps in bloodhound hide
Mushuzzu's and siratherium's graze on orange orchard bordered cliffs
peering over hedges, watching empires crumble, reclaiming fortresses
The materials we use end up bombarding us in the end
Beggar's borax, fettered topaz, searching for elder nomads in the trench
who speak in the most unorthodox limbic tense
it's like he uses speech to cut you - defeated Sun Tzu
slayed Abraham's sons by tarring and feathering; Sunni sickles met Shi'a shovels
If you've seen hardship fleets floating in the streets, I've seen a couple
The murky stairs are where the beasts of mercy fare
the union between the chalk outlines and pigeon silhouettes that were worse for wear
A surface lair exhibiting a certain urban flair
The people of the construction zones - the old dapper loadmasters who worked in there
The church would care if funds came pouring from the rafters
Since Earth's been bare, the untamed become the oratory actors
Human estuary 304, blood fjords from corollary pastures
but don't confuse the titanium hyena's innuendos for ordinary laughter
Pleas to parliament... END THE FETUS BARGES... formed assemblies after
Lifestyles comprised of trite guile, ignore the trendy matters
Scorn the Fendi fabrics. Mortar's melding into a mortuary caverns
The temperate river valleys are pulsating with tribal architecture
A sign that we're harsh in texture
nature's way of sending out a concrete message embalmed in letters

zygote
05-24-2014, 06:05 AM
Great hook with the crazy character name at the start by Vulgar to draw in, it is followed up by some reference to Lemurians (?). There are some parts that seem unconnected but other phrases which are so unorthodox that they are great. E.g., "An isolationist warmonging peacekeeper" it is nice like an oxymoron or a paradox. It is good the topic is quite ambiguous, only some parts address it directly. It works, but doesn't compare favorably with Adonis more cohesive conceptual effort. Only disliked about Adonis upload's ending, it wasn't set up enough with the previous sections. It could have been much stronger overall with more mention of the family in the beginning. Voting for Adonis.

cyph her
05-24-2014, 08:07 PM
I absolutely love when I can read a verse and visualize each word. Adon you captured that here. It didn't at all seem forced.. everything transitioned well. It was as if I were watching you paint it. Very impressive. Vulgar.. I did need to read this a number of times, but in doing so, I was able to identify some pretty key takeaways from it whereas initially I would have not. I see the main difference between the verses is impact and imagery. You delivered impact and much of it given the words chosen was very powerful.. But I feel like I'm detecting a bit of forcefulness.. Like you were not positive it would work, but rolled the dice.. I could be wrong. Must give it to Adonis.

big baby
05-24-2014, 10:06 PM
The thing about Vulgar is that I feel he always connects tangentially in metaphorical speak. I never see him storytell or come directly to the topic, or commit on a sentence or parenthetical type phrase for long. In fact he barely he even speaks to the character, or about his own, its moreso a myopic ruse in the fourth person which leads to this wide array of image that can be comprehended. IT usually takes about 3-4 reads to fully comprehend what you THINK it may comprehend. That's a real turn off at times, and I think that's why people call you 'weird'. Because in your own mind you completely make sense and it is clever to you, and it indeed MAY be clever, but it's sometimes tooo much of a stretch for average readers that are a bit in a gray zone reading your writing. When I write I sort of tread the lines of this gray zone and I quickly come back to just make sure that what you're reading of me isn't a gray zone but it is my not so obscure-obscure weirdness. That's the opposite of you. You craft this imagery that isn't imagery, but just a tangent of a tangent of a metaphor you thought you think you mightve meant sometime- somewhere. It's a bit confusing. You use some paraphrasing and mesh a texture of idiomatic phrasing to complete a almost obscure stanza that couldve been easily delivered with better wording, phrasing and a step out of the comfort zone. I think THIS is where you need to read to better yourself.

"The murky stairs are where the beasts of mercy fare
the union between the chalk outlines and pigeon silhouettes that were worse for wear
A surface lair exhibiting a certain urban flair"

This is almost a filler-like inception. I think more thematic language couldve been used about the chalk outlines that create a almost urban intensity, instead of actually using the phrasing 'urban flair' you couldve drawn out a more autobiographical prose where the chalk outline connect emotionally rather than fleeing dimensions on paper when you write it. It's a bit fleeting and uncomfortable and you just elongated a sentence to make up for 3 stanzas that couldve easily been morphed to better superfocus your singular make-ups from primary language in relation to the picture : i.e ASPHALT, URBAN, CHALK OUTLINE. This gave very little imagery, very little symbolism and idk wtf a pigeon thing is. Things like these can make you a super formidable opponent rather than a formidable one. And it's almost a bit upsetting that you can see your opponents verse first (since he dropped first) and go in the absolutely other spectrum of his more observational and audience connecting verse with a vague, lackadaisical forefront.

Adonis on the other hand came with a pistol, and a 500 foot wide target. And shot in space and still hit it just with language alone. His use of thematic language was better than vulgars (in which vulgar barely represented a high step here). His storytelling seems to be tangential too, but I think it's a bit more upfront with the average reader. In one read I can read adonis's verse, opposed to vulgars. Mechanically adonis isn't a high tier force but that doesnt matter. When you deliver tightly knit imagery with a focused central topic as large as 'asphalt' you can surely deliver on all realms... where vulgar is positive, adonis is negative. His central phrasing is very weak, as he just uses a touch of dashing vocabulary and neatly placed words, and more adjectivial sentiments rather than composing anything out of that nature, more connecting metaphorical vibes, more idioms, more similies, more imagery, more prose, more rhythm, etc. He isn't strong in MANY areas, but where he's strong - he's good. And this is where he outshined Vulgar. Just describing stuff. that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. And he did that way better. It's actually a great close battle, and I'm voting for the former post.

Cereal_Killa
05-25-2014, 03:07 AM
Adonis:

“Morning warmth gradually masking the shade.”

Dropping off deeper then usually as far as grammar.. it hits as subtle addition to your style..
Plus the lacing at the end where you descripe your writing through your characters voice.. keeps the verse innocent.. which is highly impressive..

Your inner child as the snow man – in the bath.. woah.. love it, his conquring the world in that bathtube :)

Entwining the dark clouded side at the end, with how you feel inside for coming home after your travels.. was needed, i think at this moment in time..

the magical travelling bathtub.. iiii’s like..

Calming ending, a soft fade out.. Nice verse mate

From a Jungle covered by my family tree.
To this Wasteland selling my being.
On the asphalted ghetto corners.
I'm devoured...
Casually

Vulgar:

Laying down your location/names/regime in the intro as heavy and highly intense as they are, coming after Adonis’s bubbles land in your labarinth.. you verse ends up hitting too heavy..

"These gastric pipe sheathes endear the rubble"

And then grabbing at the reader to pull them in with this line, is too “iron fist” due to the vocab..
it needed to be smoother, to draw me in to feel warmer at the point.. purely cause of what material Adonis's verse represneted.. imo


In New Orleans they feast on gumbo; nuke regimes by day

This comical link is beautiful.. now thats a good draw in..

isolationist warmonging.. nic’e

“limbic tense”

Reminds me of a Ma and Pa kettle monument where they out hustled a jeckle trying to jack their land..
1,2 step :)

END THE FETUS BARGES – The regime is strong in this one

This was a schweet verse the idea to lay down a solid foundation in two lines, then smash it on the third and draw the reader in at the same time.. I love it, but what got lost on the transition was the;
third line was too shreaded/chopped up to draw me back in.. But the idea itself and the hustle you laid, and the political/religious stance/topic you manhandled was coo.. nice verse


vote = Adonis

His cute, subtle brushing with his characters voice even with his patriotism :(
Was overwhelming.. enough to push me past a stupid flag..

g/l guys

Three-Planes-Aligned
05-25-2014, 03:20 PM
Adonis - a mellow, nuanced and somber auto bio chronicle heightened by what was a generally high level wording and striking contemporary litterature-styled imagery (which, to me personally, can be a little overbearing).

Vulgar - you accomplished one thing primarily: your breath animated an entire world (akin to some character in a book I read as a child). This was a terrific example of how to construct a logical premise in the fantastical.

Vulgar stirred my imagination more and provided in essence a truer depiction of what a concrete jungle is. Kewl battle guys.