Week 13: 9. Vividlyvague (6-5) vs. 10. timeless (6-6) \\ Vividlyvague wins 5-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=72720).


Topic


Boys Don't Cry


Good luck, Vividlyvague and timeless.

[timeless]

I've always possessed a type of an inertia state of mind,
Since When Harry Met Sally, or since circa eighty nine.
When I was a boy, I quickly learned to safely climb
ladders down life's tainted roads, an encouraged race of time.
She flourished, flawless beauty had me staying awake at night.
Feel nourished, worried that her image might soon escape my eyes.
I'm placing my age at five, when she truly misplaced the signs
of our true love. I want to run away but I was too afraid to hide.
I cried.
Mom sighed, "Jacob, Amy moved to a big and new place that's nice.
Boys don't cry, you'll find a new girl at the right place and time."

By the age of fifteen I was out of school and soon I wrote raps
about thugs, crack, love and all that. It was cool. A gold match
with a vocal tax. A drive in my life, all I was ever really told lacked
any truth or cold facts. Music was there for my whole crash.
When I hit that rocky bottom, I had my soul snatched
by the devil's own pack. Hiphop and rap were my road map.
I took pictures of these times, my pops helped frame the kodak.
Two years later, Nas had turned my whole life into a throwback.
I cried.
Mom said, "Jacob, hiphop is dead, thought you should know that.
Boys don't cry, you'll find a new way to rid of your lone trap.

I miss the food she cooked, I haven't ate with her in years.
Not knowing who she is anymore takes a worse turn for fear.
With no map to guide me, I smoked weed and purchased beer
to ease any tensions. Sorry if my words aren't worded clear.
The pain is stagnant, happiness was the only murdered peer.
I just wish I could hold her again and say, "curse the years!"
I cried.
The devil looked me in my eyes, "Your 3 loves are gone.
Boys don't cry, you'll soon find a new love and trust it long."
I told him, "My girl, my music, my mom. This stress is tough.
Boys don't cry, but men do. When they have nothing left to love.

[e11even]

"What, boy?! You some kinda fag 'er somethin'?!"
Wyatt's dad, madly disgusted, gnashed at his son with
Every offensive manly obstruction to his confidence and ego.
Tear streams reflecting hurt of this evil flowed, each tremble a depot
of pain. Years of fatherly values to crease him his way
Only made wrinkles and frays. Prostitutes, connotations of his thinking he's gay,
and advertising this made growing up aweful.
"I don't need a hooker, Dad! I'm 12! Plus I have a girlfriend in homeroom..."
"Yer a damn liar, boy! Ain't no lil cryin' sissy gonna attract nothin'!
Do a fuckin' pushup. Drink a beer. Better yet, you little fudger...
GET THE FUCK OUT! No queers allowed!" A swift slap seared his jowls
And 12 year old Wyatt was abandoned under the night's clearest clouds.
Was that the sincerest tout? Is manliness to deny emotion?
Is femininity this implied erosion? Is 'gay' a sickness to be supplied a potion?

No matter the case or the cancer, though,
Because it didn't take long to find the antidote.

10 yrs later. Wyatt Eugene Clemons Sr. was half senile, alone.
A foreign car horn less than three miles from home
Made him anxious. Tennessee's famous for party raids by gang kids.
A late model chevy crept up and he aimed in. A .308 was their invitation.
"Mr. Clemons, Sir?" A supple blonde's salutation softened his grit.
"Yep! That I am! And who might I call you miss...?" Licking his lips.
"Winona Brooks. I know your son, Wyatt Jr. This him?"
Eyeing the polaroid proof through its glint restored his prior crudeness within.
"How can I forget the poor crying faggot..." Disdain evident.
But there was a hurt. He was a father with no heirs, heiresses,
Or spouse. Since disowning his son there was an air of regret in this house,
And a dire need to ask questions about the young man's whereabouts.

"So what brings you 'round here, Ma'am?" Watching her crossed legs.
"Your son has been long dead. He was obsessed with not being strong bred,
And asked if I could clear the qualms left between you two."
Confused, "When did he meet you? Truth. Tell a lie and I'll demean you too!"
"We were together shortly after you left him. He always asked strange questions
Like, Am I what a woman would best fit? Am I straight? Is emotion sex-strict?"
"Look, Winona. I'm sure he was jokin' 'bout this sex shit, but he's dead now...
So what of it with your next fling? You into givin' head? How's my bed sound?"
"You're a creep. You always were, and always will be."
"You don't know me to say that. You women kill me.
I bet i'm on the set of -A Predator n' yer tryna film me... right?!
Gimme yer ID. If you don't wanna die you can be with me tonight..."
Winona, in his gunsight, gave him the card. He stared at her hard.
The resemblance was remarkably hard to match. He was irreversibly scarred.
His knees buckled, on all fours cursing his lord in whispers...
Wet blotches painted the hardwood in the kitchen
As he wept uncontrollably, wishing he had stopped it.
"Why? Why, Wyatt?! I was jokin' witya! Why'd you go n' chop it?"
"I didn't. I put your rationale together. Why be called a fag
When I can be a woman and be accepted for emotional snags?
We all have feelings, Dad. I 'fixed' your problem with me.
You were even attracted to my physique and titties!
Your own son. Does it hurt the very fabric
of your miserable existence, Hun? This is a classic
case of revenge. The sun shines, yet your dark soul plummets,
Hey, Dad! Why cry? You some kinda fag 'er somethin'?!"

[zygote]

Good discussion of transsexualism by Vividlyvague. It's probably not 100% politically correct, but the way you presented the childhood trauma at the start as a kind of catalyst and then moved onto to revelation of the sex change and new gender identity was good. It's probably not realistic either, that such a character would use revenge (e.g., "Hey, Dad! Why cry?...") as a primary motivation for a life altering sex change, but it was still entertaining if you don't try to rationalize anything. It was very interesting on a bunch of different levels. Timeless upload lacked the high stakes element in comparison, maybe it will appeal to other people more who enjoyed the hiphop as a child and can relate to it, but I wasn't hooked. The multiple rhymes are accurate but again kind of cliche, "road map - old track etc" is equivalent to the 'practice-backflip-that quick' kind of thing. It may have been stronger to use more interesting rhyming phrases even if they weren't multiple rhymes or perfect rhymes (Adonis is a good example). Overall, voting for VV.

[Frank]

Topic: Boys don't cry

Timeless - verse had a personal vibe to it. It reminded me of Oats piece on what hip hop meant to him and how it affected him. These type of pieces are generic in the real world of rap, but they are refreshing to read in these type of leagues because they are seldom told. In essence you went back to your 'roots' with this one. I enjoyed the freestyle like rhyme scheme (throwback/wrote raps) it went perfectly with the theme you trying to capture. I do think you could've developed the 3 loves of your life more, giving them each substantial, meaningful segments to really drive home the point or idea that you had. I like the turn of phrases from 'sentence' to 'sentence'. It gives the rhyme some unpredictability. Although some of the wording was below par. Climbing ladders down tainted roads? Rid you of your lone trap?? You'll find a new love and trust it long? Couple examples of poor wording. Think thoroughly before scribbling any old line. This piece is a good example of "it's the thought that counts"

Vividlyvague - sick idea. The execution was raw but the general concept was pretty twisted. The wording in a bunch of lines left much to be desired. It's a idea worth cleaning up and rewording because the buffalo Bill imagery was texas chainsaw massacre like. The idea of a. Transsexual son coming back as a woman to seduce his father before offing him was worthy of a psychiatrist session. Perverted thought process. Once you manage to write with a little more clarity your creativity will be unbounded and you will be an entertaining commodity.


Vote to VividlyVague with a mind boggling, head scratcher worthy of psychiatric evaluation.

[cyph her]

I'm not a huge fan of conversation in text.. Seems to awkwardly add pauses imo. But since both went this route, it evens the playing field. I liked timeless' idea, but I didn't feel like it was executed as well as it could have been. The development of the story seemed to lack. Love the storyline of VV's verse. The use of vocabulary definitely elevated an already well thought out story. The use of imagery, however infrequent made the story come alive. V-VV

[big baby]

LMAO VV MAD GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was weird. Read timeless first, thought nothing was wrong with the execution. Actually like the flow of it (not rhythmically, but the way the story developed) more than VV. But I think the last stanza with his mother was a bit short and wish it had more of a twist of any proportion, emotional, story, etc. It was a good, inventive piece that showed strides in potential and wellness. I enjoyed it, but thought the end was just a TAD off, just in terms of brevity. I know you're fighting a line limit and character limit, but still, just wish it fit more. You wording has improved and I look forward to reading more. VV was pretty cool. Mechanically, you're usually okay, but I think here - you didnt hit much. I could see how you formatted things before even reading the next stanza, and cringed at your attempts to do so. Every rhyme you ever thought of, I've thought of it, and others a thousand times over. So it's pretty cool to see how writers go about writing things, and where to put consonants and sounds and stuff. It's cool to me because I'm amazing at it. Also, this was the weak part of your verse. Just the rhyming. And it mightve been great to some, and acceptable to others. But I didn't particularly enjoy it. It didnt have to be this rhyme scheme greatness like JM or Zombie. But it was just mediocre and seemed rushed/force. The story telling was top notch and actually pretty funny. Stuff like this doesnt weird me out or throw me off track. I've thought of worse and this is actually a pretty common thought in BB's head. I feel like you thought of a story within 10 minutes of brainstorming and already flushed out an entire scenario and didnt leave room for mechanics. Had I been more offset with your performance my vote would be going to timeless here for his clear crafting and time spent. But it isn't. Consider yourself, vividly vague

[Vulgar]

Timeless - I thought this was cool/decent. The concept was nice and it was a different way of interpreting the topic. The rhyming was okay, the wording was concise. What might've hurt you as a whole was the way you tried to form metaphors, I.e the ladder line didn't match up well.

Vividlyvague - firstly, I enjoyed the twist and didn't see it coming. You cloaked this newly female entity well. The construction and dialogue of the story was also originally done. The fact that his father started crying seemed a bit uncharacteristic of him, but it was appropriate given the karma he was scheduled to experience. Nice verse.

My vote goes to VV.