Week 15 contender match: cyph her (2-1) vs. Certain (4-4) \\ Certain wins 7-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=75488).

Topics this week are available for your choosing here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=75486).

Good luck, cyph her and Certain.

[cyph her]

Topic: You’re a homeless musician who plays outside of a train station for tips. One day, someone leans over and drops something unusual into your case.

“The One That Got Away”

They hear the hymns echo the tunnels..
And didn’t know it was she that he couldn’t let go..
A certain breeze that had cut his throat..
Brang him to his knees and relieved this note..

“The one that got away”…
It was so somber upon his lips daily..
So much pondered upon it’s failure..
And so much was certain about the way he’s..

So abstract and yet discerning..
Likewise fallible and so observing..
A palate of such desertion..
So essentially.. not getting a word in..

A neighborhood of pillars he embraced..
Stringing cords and watching fingers dance..
On occasion being recognized for his melodic grace..
Something so simple.. An unforeseen glance..

A shadow of which compared to others..
Dropped something odd into his case..
It was odd it had replaced..
Anything that had awed into the chase..

Of a new beginning based on this card..
It read “Second Chance”..
How do you play?
More importantly, how do you advance?

The back read like three tasks..
And each one of them read complacent..
Accomplishing each task with ..
Adjacent conversations…

I’ll dually comply, and I don’t know why I do..
Walking a lady and her groceries across the street..
I can do that..
I don’t know why one wouldn’t comply to..

Feed a homeless man, that is myself..
And I myself need that..
As I listen to my stomach grumble..
Found someone else more deserving and I will relieve that..

Finally, I am being asked not to be an ass..
I suppose it really knows me..
Years underground, playing this sound..
Imposes a real feat..

I want a second chance..
A reason to dance and be happy again..
A new reason to wake up..
A real reason not to be forsaken..

Clock strikes 8..
I roll over in bed and find a witness..
It is her and I get to live again..
Because I made someone else besides me my business..

[Certain]

Let's get this story line all straight. First, time and place:
The day was June third, nineteen ninety-eight,
and I was playing outside the subway stop at Ninth and Lake.
Can't remember if night or day. Well, I guess it was kind of late
because my violin case was lightly weighed down by piles of change.
That's when this man walked by and gave me the wildest gaze
and dropped this rolled-up piece of paper in and smiled and waved.
I acknowledged with a nod but all the while I played,
with no idea what would lie in wait.

Directions. The first was to make a beeline on Lake.
Turn right at the antique shop with the window stacked with china plates.
Finally, wade across that awful traffic circle on Pine and take
a right to a private residence's doorstep. Number five-oh-eight.
(Why'd I follow? Well, the directions came inscribed with grace,
scripted letters promising a prize to take.
Now, I might play a violin for dimes, but I'm no starry-eyed kind of lame.
So I approached with skepticism. Wrote a letter, left it hidden.
Just in case I'd end up missing, this would assign the blame.)

Anyway, I approach the residence, quickly pry the gate.
Knock four times on the door, as the eighth line explains.
It flies open, like some dime-store game magic trick.
I roll my eyes and wait.
The guy, the one who dropped the paper off, comes out from behind a drape.
"Welcome, Terrence. Come inside. There's no time to waste.
He's awaiting you. He's been waiting for so long to find you."
"Wait."
"Yes?"
"Who exactly is this guy who hides his face?"
Now at this point, the other guy just smiled and waved.
He seems to like that. But I'm already this far.
If they wanted me dead, they could easily find a way.
So I just figured, "Sure, why the fuck not?"
But as I walked in, I imagined my own grave.

The room's walls are a dodecagon of mirrors.
They hover there, not reaching to the bottom of the bare floor.
There's a light hanging directly over center, above a chair.
There's no other furniture in the room. There's nothing there.
We're alone: me, the chair and the mirrors.
But as my stomach scares, a voice punctures the air.
"Terrence, thank you for coming. Your face betrays a touch of fear.
But I want to assure you there's nothing to run from, dear."
"Then who are you? Why not just come out here?"
(See, being told I'm safe only makes the discomfort clear.)

"Terrence, I want you to play me a tune.
I don't get out much, but Jeremy tells me you're great on your stoop."
"Umm, well, I didn't bring my violin."
At this point, I'm thinking of bailing on dude,
but a fiddle is lowered from the ceiling. So I figured, I'll take it and prove.
The voice listened. I went with "Danny Boy," a favorite to use
when trying evoke emotion from even the most unsated of fools.
"Terrence," the voice muttered after the final notes had waned and the mood
was somber and chilling and dark and left a weight in the room.
"Terrence, I want to propose an offer."
And that's when he explained it all through:
I was to give him my violin, trade in my tool.
I would never play another note again, so that he could be the last to hear me.
In exchange, he'd give me enough cash for my remaining years.

See, the man behind the voice with the mirror was testing human nature,
and wanted to see if I would abandon my true self for useless paper.
But didn't I already tell you that I'm no stupid pauper?

So I haven't picked up a violin in years, that hobby is dead.
But am I happy? Truly happy?
Well ...
... honestly ...

Yes.

[Zen]

cyph her: This was cool. Your style is nothing like anyone else here. The shorter lines added a unique quality to the story. The one problem I have with this is that the story progressed too fast. We start and the woman has left him which is where I thought your best writing was, but when he receives the note he does all the tasks and gets her back in no time. I would've liked to have seen more detail to the tasks being done other than "he fed a homeless man". Besides that complaint, this was cool. Nice work.

Certain: First thing I always notice about your writing is that you take a few lines to strictly set up the scene. You'll describe the room, the sidewalk, the doorstep, etc. and as a result you've painted the scene beautifully. I gotta point out something else I enjoy in this, and it's something that most people hate in topicals for no reason other than to complain: dialogue. The dialogue was natural and unforced. You wrote it like it was a real conversation, not as something you were trying to rhyme. Cool piece here.

V/Certain

[zygote]

Certain's conversational writing tone makes the beginning seem slow, it is like stories that give full names to all their characters straight away at introduction. Would have been much faster writing to leave out some details and just jump straight to the character motivations. Cyph her's shorter sentences are stylistically nice, but the big problem is that the narrator isn't given enough motivation. Sure change is good and altruism is good, but it's not apparent what this narrator want's to repent for. Don't need to spell it out, but just a little hint would have at least given some sort of motivation. Voting for Certain.

[Bladed Thesis]

Overall: Certain. Contrasting styles here but in the end I think Certain's ability to do more with his lines, using them to develop and bridge gaps in his story and wording really stood out. When working with smaller lines in topicals, you really need to be able to still maintain a connection with the reader and not waste time or space. I felt cyph struggled with that in particular, making the most of her lines and really grabbing the reader. In the end, she just didn't consistently make use of her wording to her advantage and that pushed the overall vote to Certain. Topic wise, both had their ups and downs, neither stood out to me as spectacular.

[Adonis]

Cert - A very well executed story that kept intrigue through out. The rhymes were on point, but when names and streets are used as rhymes it always sounds weak to me. "Pine and take". Not only that but you followed it up with "eight and take" again. For shame. You had your way with this story though I must admit. You paced it nicely and kept the transitions of rhyme hidden behind dialogue and pace. As for the story it self, not the writing or writer, it was enjoyed. I liked the ending as, it was honest. There was no mirror or trick, just a simple, money is awesome message. Good verse. I refuse to comment on the fact your work load is strenuous between mag .voting. writing. real life. But solid verse. Not something that is "champion" worthy, but solid none the less.

Cyph - Solid message. There were wording issues sprinkled through out..."I’ll dually comply, and I don’t know why I do"...I don't know why I do does work, although it just reads awkward. The rhymes were there, although considering the shortened line length they seemed far between. I did notice the a,b,a,b, scheme riddled through out, which is nice to get a different view on schemes, but still, I think you lacked in that department as there were no multies, just end rhymes far between. The story was cool, and I enjoyed it, but I also enjoyed your counter parts, so considering he had, IMO, better flow and rhyme I must give it to him.


Voting Certain. I think Cypher is at her best while packing her verse emotionally, this particular verse lacked that aspect. Certain did enough regarding flow while also matching conceptually. Good shit kids.

[Objective]

Cyph her - You're painting a cool picture with the words and how you choose to attack the topic. Not really huge fan of the rhymescheme although I can see how it connects. xbxb - kind of rhymescheme. Effective to not create longbars, but not so effective to the overall feel imo. It's different and I like a breath of fresh air, but that's about it. Seems almost half assed since there wasn't really much more thought put into it except for some internals here and there. Not that I could see, I've failed doing that before so feel free to put me in my place if I did when the thread is closed.

Beside of that the story itself is cool, I enjoyed how you approached the story with the second chance concept. Some character development going on and a nice turn of events leading to the last stanza. Overall I liked this one.

Certain - I really like how the story progressed. It had a natural progression throughout. I think this would have turned out to be better as a short story. It definitely works the way it is now, but I think a short story would do the story you got going more justice. My only question would be how the guy knew his name though, like out of nowhere dude suddenly knows who he is? There's some mystery surrounding the guy with the note, but still... As far as it goes for the end; sometimes the comfort of being set for life is more important than your initial/main hobby. Cool shit.

Vote - Certain. I vote for him as I felt he had a more thorough story and the progression seemed more natural. I also enjoyed his story abit more. I did however like Cyph Her's set up of the piece, it was unique stylistically and I like that but it was not enough to snatch my vote. Cool battle.

[Vulgar]

cyph her - I struggled through this one, mainly because it had moments of imbalanced wording. "I don’t know why one wouldn’t comply to.." is an example of unnecessarily getting a rhyme in there. Your character introduced good thoughts about poverty and there was a certain slickness to how you allowed the story to progress in an off kilter fashion. I think that if you improve your diction by 20-30% you'll be able to beat anyone in this league; not that you aren't capable already, but it'd assist.

Certain - Crisp, crisp execution. The first stanza felt tired, like you were pushing too hard to set the scene in such a specific way... like if he's homeless, why would the time or date be so meaningful and significant? The story picked up when he went into the strange house. I liked the sense of tension in the air and I read through it rapidly. Everyone enjoys a good mystery. The characters lacked subtle qualities I might've found to be cool additions. The fact that it turned out to be a social experiment was slightly epic - I can definitely see Paul Giamatti or whatever that actor's name is playing the homeless violinist. Thanks for tainting me with indie film culture, Hollywood.

Vote - Certain

[King Ra.]

cyph her, interesting piece. Had a poetic feel especially the way you have it broken in stanzas of four lines. There were a few early hiccups vocab wise (brang) that threw me off a bit but it got easier as I continued reading. Story was okay. A romance type of thing, read very delicately. Certain, you went a similar direction as well here. This is probably your best pieces this season imo. It had everything one could expect from a Certain piece. Very smooth read, good use of language, tightly knit. In comparison to your opponent I felt your story overall was better written and had more depth.

MVGT: Certain. Good job by both competitors.