Week 15: patrown (2-3) vs. Bladed Thesis (2-0) \\ Bladed Thesis wins 4-3

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=75488).

Topics this week are available for your choosing here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=75486).

Good luck, patrown and Bladed Thesis.

[Bladed Thesis]

5. All of the water on Earth has turned black.

The Dark Waters of Life

When the gods come...
Hot off the presses, Thursday's gazette: IT'S WAR!
Centuries earlier, with their devious alien tech galore
Plans to infect our shores with engineered deadly spores
Their own water source gone, their starships then set a course
So they arrived...
Floating in a thousand mobilized cities flew oblique
As the sunrise above died so quickly and dawn ceased
Glass seascapes turned frozen obsidian concrete
Activists and pacifists with arms lifted to talk peace
So descended a single cylinder...
Crowds went silent of course and the vibe was remorse
Eyes to the horde, these visitors arrived with such force
Flying in swords, humanity wondered what kind of plight was aboard
From the sky came our lord, their own type of Titan of sorts
Their mightiest with a mind for the gore, violence enforced
Appearing to land, the skysword beamed lights to the shore
Striking the floor, it caused a crater right where it roared
Engines humming vibrant to the core as if it was enlightened by torch
Smoke streamed from the exits, lasers bright beamed from a crevice
A door dropped, crowd's implores stopped and people screamed for the medics
Dooring laying on the bleeding and headless, their grieving went senseless
As they pleaded for vengeance, humanity's leaders greeted this menace
Here he is...
The Supreme Overlord, clothed in robes of iced linen
While on either side of the throne were clones of white women
As he smiled, his eyes glowed with molten bright venom
Contrasted against the backdrop ocean cold and night setting
Below his throne were fasting kids, bare back and thin
Air basked with grim, choirs gasped prayers, chants and hymns
He arises from his throne...
In his hand, a benevolent trident glowed while smoking
While the sky fills with spores that began to corrode the oceans
His face showed no emotion, strutting of a decadent twitch
A warrior with veteran tricks just hoping the peasants resist
It only gets better than this...
Leaving his benevolent mist, hand rises, clenched in a fist
His eyes on some devilish shit as scientists step from his midst
They descend from his ship as the Overlord tenses his grip
Every gorgeous woman is centered, collected and stripped
The Overlord speaks and the crowd gets the sense something's amiss
"Respecting my wish is of utmost importance so best get it quick.
Testing my wits will only bring destruction. Fear me then.
If resistance occurs, I will push your planet into the clear abyss.
We ask worship, water and women for as long as your sphere exists.
We offer technology to help you settle your frontiers and live."
They then disappeared in ships, returning every fifty years for gifts
A deal part severe and sick, leaving us plans to construct the pyramids

[patrown]

he stood staring in the ice box, like men usually do,
choosing between bad eggs and spoiled milk.. unusually soothed,
by the hum of a motor in over drive, staring with vacant eyes,
when an egg carton started to slowly rise and fall,
Greg's mouth opened wide as one started to crawl,
with two spindly legs breaching the shell it's encased in,
it moved faster after a moment, and he watched in amazement,
as it reached the edge of it's glass shelf and fell through the sky,
landing to shatter its past self. what he saw felt like a lie.

no feathers and a black beak, Greg wished he'd cooked it last week..
but it was too late, his true fate and a new slate was laid bare as it screeched,
lunging forwards towards his ankles with a morbidly distorted beak,
Greg kicked it with his bare feet and broke it's neck, left bleeding barely,
he ran to his room and picked up the phone, told his best friend he couldn't be alone..

It was twenty minutes before Annie showed up and knocked on his door,
her knuckles rang against the oak for an eternity, she thought he ignored it,
turn of the knob.. click of the lock. her eyes couldn't see anything in the abysmal dark,
just a shred of light from the porch showed the marks on the floor,
trails of black blood leaked from a beak that pecked forward, dragging itself,
in a soundless motion it lurched towards her as she gasped and then fell,
she hit the ground while the world echoed with thundering steps,
Greg appeared hovering over her, bleeding from his eyes and gasping for breath,
his rapidly expanding chest heaved bloody mucous into her nose and throat,
both irises turned black with the ink of ancient demonic sermons, and closed.

[Adonis]

BT - decent concept. Anunaki, searching for oil and women. I didn't like the every fifty years part. Everything up to that point was actually fairly believable in my mind til then. Decent flow,but not the best. It just wasn't the most complex schemes, although I noticed your use of multies "a, a a" format was utilized nicely. Just not consistent, so when you use the traditional "a,a" format well, it is what it is. Also wording issues that could have been fixed easily... "crowd's implores...lasers bright beamed " overall enjoyable verse, a lot going on but still given content and approach it ALMOST but not quite had that epic feel.

Pat - i commend you for tackling this topic, I thought about, but didn't know where to go. I don't think you did either. The abrupt ending wasn't enjoyed. I did like the fact that was a bit dark, but wished you expanded on some morbid tidbits. Also poor choice in adjective in barely bleeding. Thought this was proof you rushed it.



Voting thesis. More complete, better execution/concept.

[Zen]

Bladed Thesis: First thing I've read from you and I'm impressed. There were sections where your multi's like "enlightened by torch", but for the most part they were excellent. The eyes to the hordes section in particular was great. As for the content, it was cool. Mitch would love this. Nice work.

patrown: Holy fuck at that ending. That's some exorcist shit there. Like Adonis said I could tell that some lines were rushed, specifically whenever you'd transition to a new rhyme scheme. That being said, some lines were great like the encased in/amazement bar. They flowed perfectly. The topic you took with it was kind of a stretch and by the end I wanted to know what the fuck that thing was, but it just ends. Still, I dig this.

V/BT it was close imo

[Certain]

Bladed Thesis: The writing here was rather impressive, with how you whisked together complex rhymes without breaking stride on your story or letting the wording become jumbled. I was really interested to see what all would unfold with this race, but the conclusion felt exceedingly rushed to me. The problem was that you spent so long describing the way the aliens came down, and you did so without any narrative center. We don't know their names, but we know the background. Narrative perspective, either taking a human's side or an alien's side, would have grounded this verse. And the ending needed more clarity. I appreciate the high level of lyricism, though.

patrown: The ending was awesome here because the abruptness made sense. Greg disappears into the evil lurking beneath, and with that, the story comes to a close. This was a funny but also smart way to take this strange topic. I would have picked it if I'd had the choice, but I would have went a completely different direction. I really liked the way you kept your pacing very smooth and described things with specificity but also a winking nod that this would be a bit of a dark comedy. That's how I took it, at least. You were focused and sharp here, and even though you didn't match your opponent's dexterity, I was more compelled by your verse.

Vote: patrown

[zygote]

BT multiple rhyming was a lot better than patrowns. Patrown's plot line was excellent though, very well executed and coherent story. Nothing crazily ambitious but enough to create some engagement, the tone/writing language choices were effective in creating the atmosphere, and it set up the great ending. BT had a good descriptive story but it didn't progress much, aliens were interesting and good effort at putting aspects of the Egyptian culture onto The Overlord etc, but in comparison the story lacked the progression and strong ending that Patrown's had. Voting for Patrown.

[Objective]

Bladed Thesis - Enjoyed the story and lyricism in this. Kinda cool how you played on the aliens having a connection to the pyramids thing, and adding the notion that aliens need water to survive along with a rather sexual needs along with a rather primitive yet effective thought that aliens have ulterior motives for visiting earth. Mentioning technology and pyramids is kinda interesting as they've found a battery from the time of when the pyramids was created, so that was cool. The every 50 year thing was interesting as well and could explain why there's been UFO sighting, haha.

Overall I enjoyed your verse although I feel like it was rather vague to being on topic when it comes down it. Sure, the title connects to it and the aliens needed water, but I didn't really feel like ''All of the water on Earth has turned black'' had any significant impact.

Patrown - Interesting choice, and more importantly: Interesting verse. Got kind of a 1960's horror feel to it. Felt like you explained it well and the take on it was creative, but would have liked a longer verse better.

Vote - Patrown. Very creative battle, but I felt Patrown got it on creativity, he also nailed the topic although the story was rather short. Bladed Thesis had a better rhymescheme going, but I thought the connection to the topic at hand was rather vague. I felt the battle was close, but Patrown edged it with a more creative verse and a better overall feel. Pretty cool battle.

[King Ra.]

This is a weird match up to vote on. Bladed impressed me with his rhyming and good use of language to give descriptions and tell his story. As for the story itself, the topic choice was a cool one, but there wasn't much that centered around the topic too well. On the flip side, patrown had a shorter piece, but the story was WTF. Now that's not necessarily a bad thing. I was very intrigued from start to finish, so kudos on probably the most creative story this week. Unlike your opponent, your rhymes/writing left much to desire. This wasn't as clean as you usually write, but it was decent enough. Difficult one to choose from. I'm gonna go with Bladed though. patrowns story left me scratching my head more than anything. I feel if he was a tad more in depth in creating a backdrop to explain what exactly what was going on and why, I'd probably have gone his way. While Bladed didn't necessarily have the more original spin, and didn't do well in tying the topic into his story completely, I felt his scheme and good descriptions, along with a more full on story did just enough to steal it. But this ones very close to call.

MVGT: Bladed Thesis. Good job by both competitors.

[e11even]

Bladed Thesis- this rhymed extremely well. The dialogue at the end was crazy unnatural, but the flow was so intensely consistent though. I kinda dug the story. If felt like a pornhub rehash of the Man Of Steel told in favor of General Zod. I don't know. The whole pyramid thing at the end was a curious touch, but I think I favored it. I think your creativity outside the confines of the topic was the strong point of this piece. That and, of course, the insane rhymefest. Good job.

Patrown- i actually really liked where you had this story going once the girl arrived, but the other 60% was like...."ok?" I do think it's hilarious how everyone is afraid of this grotesque mal - formed demon chick the size of an egg. I can't visualize that without a smirk. It comes off as badly as a meatballs sequel in outer space. Lots of gratuitous gore with no real fear factor. I think a more intense and descriptive opening followed by an insane folly of death montages would have been awesome, but I'm crazy like that. Overall good job, but more could have been done here.

I think both these verses have great qualities. The biggest one of all is potential. I think these stories, with more time and direction, could have been a lot better. But I also dig the effort that both already had. By way of lasting impression, MVGT Bladed Thesis for a cooler more developed piece.