Round 2: 14. YDK vs. 6. Adonis \\ YDK wins 7-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/BffBGFC.gif

Round 2


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Tuesday, July 8 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Friday, July 11 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on all three other battles is required. Two votes will be deducted for each missing vote.


Topic


“True change takes place in the imagination.”


Good luck, Adonis and YDK.

[YDK]

Infested with headless emotions,
heart on my sleeve; reckless devotion
breathless; an ocean;
I'm infectiously broken
yet still I'm here hopin that I'm the one chosen...

Lying alone again in my home, focused
on the fact that I'll never be wanted, its hopeless!
The closest I'll ever get is being looked at a moment
as passers-by glance at me only to leave me unnoticed.
I sleep to dream but always awaken to nightmares,
I'm quite scared that I'll never have somebody that might care!
"I mean I'm right there!" I say as I look into my reflection
"is it my complexion that's stopping me from receiving affection?
I wish I could make the corrections to stop the rejection!"
The tension is building but still, I couldn't hurt a fly!
So I retreat back to my shell as I ask myself "why?"
I start to wonder if I've been living a lie,
a hermit that demands to be alone to just cry...

Infested with helpless emotions,
heart on my sleeve; selfish devotion
breathless; an ocean;
I'm infectiously broken
now I'm just hoping I'm not the one chosen...

Self pity and hatred mated and created my greatness,
a crab in a pet store; a broken shell that I painted.
My opinion of the world jaded from the people that hated,
So I come out of my shell and look at myself; naked.
Behind all the ugliness, I felt disgraced; on a shelf
Yet now I sit with a smile and embrace myself.
I'm the best looking mutant that I've ever seen
So I surround myself with luxuries and constantly preen.
I soothe my soul dreaming of my life as a nightmare
and remember I can escape this plight; if I dare.
I don't have to be the hermit in his shell not talking for days,
if I just imagine that I'm able to simply, walk away.
Apathy at it's finest; when I once was only scared,
All I have to do, is pretend I never cared.

Infested with restless emotions,
heart on my sleeve; precious devotion
breathless; an ocean;
Infectiously broken
I'm the only one that could ever be chosen

[Adonis]

Topic: True change takes place in the imagination

Imagination: Forming mental images or concepts of what is not actually present to the senses.



Wings flit parting clouds that are passed.
A path lit dimely is perilous; brash.
Each star represents life, but too bad,
Death's existential in light, News Flash!!
Each shimmer above is a twinkle that's fried.
The sad truth is, living is the reason we've died.
Hear the noises; the rumblings at faults,
The towering seas devouring with showering falls.
Bolts striking land; beauty consumes,
Her Oxidic fumes being Dragon breath that exhumes.
Approach this aftermath, so peaceful and calm.
Dead humanoids mean less evil; alarmed?
Think of a song; rhythmically sound.
Brass winds blowing a tempo that's found,
Drums trembling ground,
dancers flowing around...
Trampling this gift once renowned.
A precious land won't withstand our detractions denounced.
Taste the depth, the fiscal cycle of breath.
Each check riled in debt.
Bitter conquest – this putrid, vile regress,
Currently siphoning jest through eyelids perplexed.
Cash it all in, using stylish cheques.
Each dialect bets on there currency's quest.
Tasting famine and death, handing out not a cent.
Bent on hells lapse of judgment –
Take each lick with a grin.
Smug, each wince is distorting reverence.
Taught respect, but who can pretend?
Lust of wealth has evolved into loving one's self.
The canvas has been shelved.
Both the brush and inkwell.
If stories breed truth... Doesn't matter,
Movies' what sells.
Images branded into rare garments that melt.
This hardening shell is molten –
and the chosen ones swell.
Meanwhile the broken down populace are poor and in hell.

Now...
If the picture is crystal, even if not,
just know, a soul lost is one bought.
The toll is a road narrowly taken,
Each faith's been complacent.
Angels and Demons adjacent.
If one can change these nonfactual statements?
Then read and learn,
Life belongs to death...
And She's His –
Get free from enslavement.




~

[timeless]

Ydk usually always gracing us with immaculate flow and a seemingly flawless read, this piece was no exception. the only thing I disliked was how bland your approach was and how you relied on that stanza throughout. Sure you changed a word each time but still felt repetitive. Adonis I felt had no inspiration whatsoever, came with a 'freewrite' for a lack of better words. I could be wrong though. Flow was horrid. Voting ydk for a more complete read and more sound overall.

Vote. Ydk

[Pinot Grij]

YDK, this was just ok for me. The rhyme scheme at the start seemed over the top, and then it just tailed off into monosyllables at the end. Maybe it was by design, but it felt like you just lost interest. The story didn't really paint an engaging picture either - ignoring society's gaze, finding inner peace - kinda ho hum for me.

Adonis,started off a little rocky for me... misspelled word in the 2nd line which usually irks me and keeps me from fully engaging in the verse. I agree with Timeless that this felt like "free verse"... there are things in there that I just have trouble with
Dead humanoids mean less evil; alarmed?
This is so strangely worded - certainly you mean 'humans' as 'humanoid' would include cyborgs and aliens and shit, which I don't think is what you're getting at. Like, I would draw out the idea that people are inherently evil and our deaths, though seemingly sad, are in ways good things because of the damage we can do. I would expand on that idea instead of trying to cram all that meaning into 6 words.

Taste the depth, the fiscal cycle of breath.
Each check riled in debt.
Bitter conquest – this putrid, vile regress,
Currently siphoning jest through eyelids perplexed.
Here, I don't think anybody would use the term 'cycle of breath' or describe that concept as something fiscal. It seems too improperly worded to get into. I also am confused as to why someone would need to siphon jest... also, how can eyelids be perplexed? They're just skin flaps. I think in an effort to create a scene, you've over-worded things here and it led to confusion.

I mean, I wasn't blown away by either entries, it was like over-simplicity vs over-complication. I think I gotta lean to YDK just on the basis of clarity.

[e11even]

YDK- in the words of my southern relatives, you put your foot in that gumbo bruh. This is the crispest I've read from you. The flow was solid, but some word choices were a bit mediocre at times. I didn't really like that looping partial stanza at first but it slowly grew on me. Overall I dug this, and the resonating factor was high, as I've been feeling some kinda way lately lol. Great job.

Adonis- i think you went big inside your head. That's a great thing growth-wise, but we are not in your head... so as it happened to many of us in the past, the ambiguity and placid text makes for 'bad' voting. I liked a lot of what I read. I just couldn't connect it all in a coherent manner without willing in imaginary segues to continue the thoughts. But my hunch is that's exactly what you were going for. If it was, that was risky. I think the final thought where you left off could have been expanded for a more complete experience, because the whole anti-humanism angle felt a little unsatisfied. Overall, I don't think this is your worst or best. I just think you had more to offer and something stopped you. Good verse though.

This battle was pretty good. I liked parts of both verses, but in very differing aspects from one another. Good job to both. MVGT YDK for the more enjoyable and complete feeling verse.

[oats]

Adonis: this was a tricky verse, for a couple of reasons. It was like an epileptic seizure of ideas and images, which made it hard to fit together even though I liked many of them. Second, the language itself was fairly complex, too complex in my opinion. I tend to gravitate towards greater complexity in language, because it opens more doors for my imaginative response, but some of the descriptions seemed ham-handed: like "death's existential, in light" could have been easily changed to "death exists in light" and it makes it more clear and potent. As it is, I get what you're saying, but it loses some of its effect.



YDK: per usual, your rhymes were consistent and strong throughout the verse, which always makes reading your work easy and enjoyable. I do like the subtle changes in the "chorus," so to speak, gave it a bit of a narrative feel that change was occurring. A few gripes, though. First, it seemed melodramatic, and I'm not even sure what the problem of the narrator is. At first read, I thought he was homeless and people walked by ignoring him, but then it said he was laying in his home. Then I thought maybe he was a cripple or something, but nothing much to support that. I finally rested on the idea that he was being rejected by chicks for reasons unknown to him, ending with the note of self-confidence. I would have liked a little more clarity on that, something more specific to ground me in the emotion. As it is now, it's solid with good writing, but comes off a bit generic nah mean. Good verse though, I enjoyed.


Vote: this is an odd battle because I didn't think either of you really addressed the topic in a meaningful way. Adonis clearly had the more ambitious verse, juggling much larger concepts, but it failed to tie it all together. So I feel compelled to give the nod to YDK despite liking his writing less, because his verse felt more realized, even if it was a tad melodramatic to me. Good clash of styles, would like to see you two face off again tbh.

[big baby]

Certain never @'s me to vote, and I'm truly hurt bout dis!!!!!!!!!!!! You so FUCKA stupid idiyote certain.....all u need is ask..and i do....dat all...but u FUCKa hard HEADED as fuc.....neva listen to bb..eva..

YDK has a very average writing here. Before I start, I though adonis had a lot of words that seemed misplace, or phrases that could have been worded better for a better effect, both rhythmically, sensically, (lol) and just to give a more metaphorical feel to the already metaphorical feeley verse. Especialy the part where you say 'fiscal cycle of breath.' that seemed awfully misplaced and just so hard to interpret in an already scuffled yet intriguingly nice verse. Fiscal breath without the cycle and expanding on that may have been a clearer and better route than the one you took. YDK's take was perhaps a bit monotone, in the way he cornered and systemically broke down each line and phrase for the transition, but adonis's overall feministic theme wore a bit down, especially when using thematic language like her, she, etc.

Stylistically, I think, even given the topic..this works towards YDK's advantage. He doesn't blow readers away with his efforts, but what he does deliver is tenacity and you can always expect the best from him. Adonis' given, his..brash, just raw usage of words, usually caters to a phrasing of the unknown, such as imagination, and creativity, but it seemed to hurt him here, or not work to his advantage. Sort of like if LeBron is geared towards a more big man style of play rather than a pull up jump shooter, but he struggles if the opposition has any defensive big men, that are akin to that style of play. That seemed to be the problem here. YDK almost seemed to give a whatever response here and the repetitive second chorus like stanza seemed a bit misplaced and useless imo, though figuring in seemed to be usable in its content. YDK seemed to be at peace with the topic given its mediocre like take. Both could have done way better. Will break down further if needed. YDK

[Certain]

I've been completely swamped with work but read these two three times each over the last few days. My feedback will be more in-depth in the magazine.

YDK: The hook was OK. Some people on these sites hate hooks. But music has hooks. The approach to the topic, while creative, was a bit weird and didn't really work because it didn't approach realism enough for me. But your writing was mostly clean, and there were a few very nice emotional sections.

Adonis: I'm not surprised to see a verse like this be your downfall. You sometimes just seem to give the middle finger to your readers and write whatever words you think will sound nice in order. There was plenty of interesting diction here, but the content was impossible to decipher. I'd like to know what you had in mind, but it ultimately doesn't matter if the reader doesn't get it. You could have won this battle fairly easily with a more traditional approach.

Vote: YDK

[patrown]

ydk - the piece in it's entirety, to me, was a journey into insanity. i like that. anyway, your approach was flawless and there really wasn't a way to fuck it up. meaning, it was a rather simple approach.. but being executed so well, it read well. you hit the topic on the head. i'm usually not big on chorus, in topicals, but here i felt like it worked. the last one being delusional as shit. good stuff all around. i really enjoyed this set the most of all.

Self pity and hatred mated and created my greatness,
a crab in a pet store; a broken shell that I painted.
My opinion of the world jaded from the people that hated,
So I come out of my shell and look at myself; naked.
Behind all the ugliness, I felt disgraced; on a shelf
Yet now I sit with a smile and embrace myself.

it was my favorite set for a couple reasons. one, you explained the process gone through well. also, i liked the crab in a pet store line very much. the different voices of your two main stanzas affected the piece's effect. and i liked it more after a second read.

adonis - all in all i think your piece's tone fit the tone of the topic. a little off center, if you will. you bounced around from different themes a bit. starting with some elements, going into music and back to earth again.. it was just some powerful writing. to the point and effective. i started running into some problems just after mid way though. like this line..

Currently siphoning jest through eyelids perplexed.

the word currently was not necessary. it matched up with conquests hard c, but otherwise, that's a lot of syllables to start a line with.. for an unnecessary modifier. the -ing on siphoning implied it's happening currently. i just dont like the word in verses most times , tbh. anyway, the jump from steady imagery to the dead humanoids line threw me off a little too. although it fit in with the tone, the diction was a little out of place, and since it was the only question.. i was just left feeling like it was more important as a reader, then it might've been to you, as the author. other then a couple rough edges i enjoyed this piece. it's a little hit and miss but some of it shined.. like this ..
Think of a song; rhythmically sound.
Brass winds blowing a tempo that's found,
Drums trembling ground,
dancers flowing around...
Trampling this gift once renowned.
A precious land won't withstand our detractions denounced.

i enjoyed that set very much. also enjoyed the broken assonance here...

Images branded into rare garments that melt.
This hardening shell is molten-

garments that melt.. hardening shell. idk. i really liked that. and your last stanza was cool as fuck too. i just wish, in the end.. that you tied it all together. maybe played off your topic a little more directly. i still liked what you imagined, though.

/v ydk - he hit the topic better. had adonis centered his verse around a specific idea or moment i would be voting for him because his imagery was very strong. great battle.